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Family Matters:  Farmaholic husband  |
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Cozynana
True Blue Farmgirl
1123 Posts
Kem
1123 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 01 2010 : 8:01:01 PM
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| Is there anyone else out there that has a farmaholic husband? My husband is crazy about farming and does it 12 hours a day or more most of the year. Sundays he slacks and only works 3-4 hours (a bit of sarcasm there). He is out of the house before 7 a.m and not back in until 9:00 p.m. or later. In the winter he still puts in atleast 10-11 hour days. We have been married 30 plus years and I still hate him working so much. Our kids are long gone and I am lonely. I don't work right because of a long term illness. Now that it is over I am trying to decide what to do. Our town is very little and jobs are hard to come. Most pay $10 an hour or less unless a person is a teacher, nurse, or professional (doctor, dentist, etc). I am at a cross roads and tired of always doing what is best for the farm. My MIL apologized to me when I was first married and said she was sorry they never allowed my DH to play. As soon as he could farm he worked. He does not know how to play. He thinks going out is an obligation and does not have a good time. I love to go and have many friends I go out with, but it is not the same. Would love to know how others in the same boat deal with the anger, resentment, and sadness that goes along with a situation like this. It is hard to get really mad at him because I couldn't ask for a nicer, kinder, or more responsible husband. But the saying keeps popping up in my head "All work and no play makes a person dull and gray". I am in my 50s and feel life is passing me by. |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2010 : 10:32:44 PM
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I so wish I had some words to comfort you with. I am more like your DH and my DH is more like you. I work all day and into the night. He is always on me about wanting to watch movies or go see friends. I guess God puts people together hoping they will balance each other. The people seem to be the resistant ones. Keep loving him and maybe someday he will see your side.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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sherrye
True Blue Farmgirl
3775 Posts
sherry
bend in the high desert
oregon
USA
3775 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2010 : 06:56:44 AM
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sure wish i had a better answer for you. i am the one here that never stops. we found it could be fun to work together on farm stuff. we have been married 35 yrs. we do work more than play but we like it this way. i am a self starter so i find things to do and then say hey we are going here or there today so go get ready. he does we do and it ends up fun. i do the planning for an outing and then we go. just a thought heres hoping you can get him out to play. what does he like to do. with papa we have trade offs. i go look at tractors etc. then we go do something i like happy days sherrye
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farm girl #1014
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2010 : 06:59:41 AM
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Oddly enough I'm in a similar situation, but farm things are what I chose to do because my husband was working all the time. My husband is a cop (and on the SWAT team and the dive recovery team...used to be a fireman too) so he was pretty much always working. If he wasn't working, he was on call. We could never go anywhere or do anything because he was either at work or could be called to work. I went through a time where I thought "Seriously? This is not what I signed up for."
I guess I started thinking about what I wanted to do. I could sit around waiting for him be home so we could do something or I could go do something myself. Sure you want to be with your hubby (as I did with mine and still do) but Life is a funny thing sometimes. Sitting around waiting isn't any fun and it breeds resentment. That's actually how I got into all this farming stuff. It was what gave me something to do while he was constantly busy.
I guess I would suggest just sitting down with yourself and figuring out what you want to be doing, where you want to go, what you see yourself doing in one year, five years....and make it happen. Its not saying you don't want to be with your husband - not at all! It is just realizing that you have a life too and have plenty to do within that life! Go out and do all the things you want to do and accomplish the things you've always wanted to accomplish. If hubby is available to go with, then great! But if not, there is no reason that should hold you back. :)
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.wakeupstartlearning.blogspot.com
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com |
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msdoolittle
True Blue Farmgirl
1143 Posts
Amanda
East Texas
USA
1143 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2010 : 07:32:01 AM
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My husband's idea of play IS work.
We both did this free test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm (go to 'Do it') and it turns out that he is a personality type called INTJ. This is an absolutely free, no-spam site, and I have referred it to dozens of people. It is based on the common 'Myers-Briggs' personality test which is given by employers all over the world to their employees.
These are people who are extremely focused, very intelligent, and do not 'play' in the traditional sense. However, often, they love to be outdoors, surrounded in nature and they love to learn and to build and analyze things. This personality test is so hilarious, and so creepily accurate. If you can get your DH to slow down for 5 minutes, maybe he'll do it? The only thing is that you must answer truthfully. My father in law took and and his results were way off. Then he told us that he answered the way he thought he SHOULD, and not really what he actually thought.
I think this test should be REQUIRED before anyone gets married!!! Anyway, also, my best friend' wife is a type that believes play should be earned. She works, works, works. I mean, that is just about IT. Everything she lives and breathes outside of her family is all about WORK. It stresses out my friend (he and I share the same personality type), because we are all about FUN.
Anyway, after we did this test, my DH and I really talked in depth about our results. The result of that was laughing so hard, we were both crying. We talked at length about his work ethic and how his idea of relaxing IS WORKING. We read through the type descriptions and we were both hooting and hollering, because it was all SO TRUE. For a five minute test, it sure did help us to understand each other so much more. And, yes, our types are actually a complete 180 from each other. From him, I learn to try and complete a task, sticking to it till it is done. From me, he has learned to NOT work ALL OF THE TIME and sometimes, you have to sit back and relax!
I really hope that this helps you as much as it did me. It sure opened my eyes to how his brain 'ticks'. :0)
P.s. my 'type' is ESFP. I am the people-loving, fun-loving extrovert. Also, the best 'type descriptions' are the ones found at perdue.edu. If you would like, I'd be happy to send you the links after you get your results. :0D
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
Edited by - msdoolittle on Jul 02 2010 07:33:03 AM |
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maggie14
True Blue Farmgirl
6784 Posts
Hannah
Washington
USA
6784 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2010 : 09:16:48 AM
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My family did that test too Amanda. It is a good test.
Hugs,
Channah
Farmgirl sister #1219
Just a small town country girl trying to live her dreams. :) |
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sherrye
True Blue Farmgirl
3775 Posts
sherry
bend in the high desert
oregon
USA
3775 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2010 : 1:33:07 PM
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wow that sounds like such a good idea. if you all can do the test and keep your sense of humor it could work. especially if you both want to make it work. amanda thanks happy days sherrye
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farm girl #1014
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msdoolittle
True Blue Farmgirl
1143 Posts
Amanda
East Texas
USA
1143 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2010 : 3:03:48 PM
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Thanks, Channah. I have taken the 'official' Myers-Briggs before and this is a test WITHOUT the repetitive questions. It's worth a shot!
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
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AmyBrooke
Farmgirl at Heart
6 Posts
Brooke
Preston
ID
USA
6 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2010 : 3:54:50 PM
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My situation is not the same, however I can tell you what works for us. My husband actually works in another state, seven hours from home. This means that he leaves for two weeks. I stay home, run the household, and raise and educate the beautiful daughters. I love what I do...so I thank him...unceasingly for going out into the world, or onto the farm in your case, and working so that I can have what I do. A beautiful homestead, the opportunity to be with my children everyday to watch them grow... So here is the trick. Do everything that you can think of that you can do when you are with him that will make him want to be with you more. For me this meant that I had to stop complaining, I had to start acting like a wife, I put his needs first, and bent over backwards to do things for him. I found out that when I acted more like his wife than his mother...he acted more like a husband than a father. And there's nothing like good old-fashioned marital intimacy that brings a husbands mind and heart closer to home and the woman he loves.
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bertha
True Blue Farmgirl
234 Posts
Bertha
St Joseph
Mi
USA
234 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2010 : 4:09:45 PM
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| Brooke That was really great advice...Bert Bush |
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walkinwalkoutcattle
True Blue Farmgirl
1675 Posts
Megan
Paint Lick
KY
USA
1675 Posts |
Posted - Jul 14 2010 : 07:23:12 AM
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Jeez. Cozy, you're speaking right too me. My husband is also a farmer. It's so difficult, as you constantly feel like you're his last priority, even though he's farming to help the family. Believe me, I know. If you want to vent about it, feel free to email me. I've just started dealing with these feelings (we've been married almost a year, together almost 2) and, it's a constant struggle-especially now that I'm pregnant.
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Jul 14 2010 : 08:41:57 AM
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I used to feel hurt and angry all the time because I thought I was last on my DHs list of priorities. I finally confronted him in a very angry and harsh way after about 5 years of feeling that way. He was astounded. He thought he was putting me first. In his mind he was helping his friends and family so he could pin them down and make them help us with big projects. He was working the fire dept so he could use the pumper truck to fill our pool each spring for just the cost of the water. He was working on the vehicles all the time so we would always have two working vehicles for us both to use. He was going to all the fire dept functions to find people we could be friends with since I am so shy. He really thought he was putting me first and I really thought he wasn't even thinking of me at all. I even yelled at him for taking double shifts at work for two weeks once and his thought was that he could buy me the lights and supplies for my inside greenhouse if he took the extra shifts and still have money to take the family out to eat a couple of times.
Guys and gals don't think the same about things. I thought he was ignoring me. He thought he was loving me. I have learned to readjust my view of his actions. It was like lookin at him with a big ole tree in the way. All I was seein was him disappear behind it. I didn't see him lookin back at me. I spent years bein hurt and angry. He spent years bein hurt and confused. All we needed to do was take a step to the right. Now I can see him lookin back at me and he can see me reachin out to him. He has learned to come home to me more and I have learned to wait for him more. It helps when you're both lookin at each other and not around each other.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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amomfly
True Blue Farmgirl
658 Posts
Angie
LaGrange
IN
USA
658 Posts |
Posted - Jul 14 2010 : 08:53:16 AM
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My DH works 9-12 hrs a day with driving. I work all the time. I homeschool our youngest DD, all the other kids are growen now, I have my dairy goats [ND's], I have around 60 laying chicks, 17 meat chicks not to mention the horse and llama and pig. Then their is the house and all baking and cooking I try to do. My garden is quite large and I can or frezee all I can. I also am doign real estate now [which is slow]. So my hubs comes home tired and sits, he gets so mad when I wont sit down too. I just do not have that kind of personality. I am a go getter. he doeas only what he needs to, I love hime no matter what, I just am a busy body and he is not. I really love everyones advice, but you must do what is best for you. Maybe try a little of it all. See what is working. But as we age, we need to find things that make us happy, not bored and full of resentment.
Good luck, I would love to hear how you handle this and what you learn form it.
God Bless
Angie-amomfly
#1038 |
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sherrye
True Blue Farmgirl
3775 Posts
sherry
bend in the high desert
oregon
USA
3775 Posts |
Posted - Jul 14 2010 : 5:46:06 PM
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angela words of wisdom girl. wow happy days sherrye
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farm girl #1014
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Cozynana
True Blue Farmgirl
1123 Posts
Kem
1123 Posts |
Posted - Jul 15 2010 : 05:15:49 AM
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| Thanks for all the insight. I have tried to get on with my own life. I have friends, go places without him, make him his favorties pie and food, try not to put too many demands on him, go the extra mile to make his life easier, etc. We have talked about his tendencies to work too much and he basically tells me it is not going to change. He has no need for friends and we go out with no one. Actually, we go out ourselves maybe 1 night every two months if I am lucky. I am just tired of feeling lonely. It is 7:04 a.m. and he is already out of the house for the day. My kids have been out of the house for 10 years. I am coming off of a 19 month illness I am restricted to what I can do. It is much better and I have almost normal days (if you can called hysterectomy induced menopause normal) now. I am wondering how much of my illness was due to my dis-ease with my life. We live in a very rural area with minimal to do for entertainment during the day. All of my friends work 8-5 except one and she lives 40 miles away. I need to stop whining, get off the fence and start doing something totally different than what I have been doing because I always get the same results. Maybe you guys can help me think of another angle to approach my problem. I am basically free to do what I want. I have limited energy and still have quirks because of the hysterectomy and my thyroid is messed up (presently working on that, maybe that will fix the energy level). I miss not being productive and have just recently started volunteering again. I am 53 and have the desire to do much more than I am doing right now, just wish I had a partner to do it with. My girlfriends are great, but not the same as a mate. |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Jul 15 2010 : 08:39:37 AM
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Have you considered gardening, vege or flower, maybe even fruit. That actually might get his attention. You could ask him for help makin you beds for you and maybe even ask for his help sometimes with the 'problem weeds' that just seem to keep poppin up. It might give you somethin to talk about. Or you could try raisin chickens or goats or somethin. Then he could help you with the pens and fencin and maybe ask his opinion about how to make them productive. Goats cheese is really good and gives you the goats and the cheese makin to occupy your time. I want to make my own cheese, but can't afford the fencin just yet. I don't know if any of these are helpful suggestions or not. Just ideas.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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Cozynana
True Blue Farmgirl
1123 Posts
Kem
1123 Posts |
Posted - Jul 15 2010 : 09:05:05 AM
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| natesgirl, Wow, are you sure you didn't read my mind? I do have a huge garden he helped me put a fence around about 3 years ago. I planted 6 fruit trees this spring. I bought 10 chicken right before I got sick last year and he did put up the fence for me. He still waters the chickens in the morning and I gather the eggs and put them in at night. I have tried to get him involved, but dang this guy is good and fast. You couldn't find a more A type personality that can do any job asked of him. Once the project is done he is out of here. He is like nailing jello to the wall. |
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Cozynana
True Blue Farmgirl
1123 Posts
Kem
1123 Posts |
Posted - Jul 17 2010 : 12:00:28 PM
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| Well, I bit the bullet. I set hubby down after I went to a movie by myself and told him we needed a heart to heart talk. I expressed my anger, fear, frustration, sadness, etc. and told him I felt things needed to change. Not only does it need to change for me, it needs to change for our DIL and grandchildren. Our son farms with us and is as driven as my DH. I asked him to brain storm and see how we could free up some time for everyone. Amazingly, he said he had realized that the amount of hours they had been putting in was dangerous. I was shocked. He said he would promise to make some compromises, change things, be proactive and not reactive, and look for solutions. I also offered to help with the farming if he promied not to add more land or cattle. That would defeat our purpose. He was very nice about it all and thought we could come up with a plan. Whooooo hooooooo!!!!! I think he will do it and I am holding him to it. He also told me to start looking for some trips we can take this fall. Is that amazing? Guess I should have talked to him long before now. I have talked to him before, but I think this time he realized how close I was to calling it quits. 1/2 the farm is in my name, talk about a reduction if I am not in the game. Not where I really want to go, but it is my life tooo, and we are living his dream not mine. I just want 1/2 of the dream if I am a partner. I think the Lord was helping me say what needed to be said. My blood pressure is down and I am sleeping better. Glad I did it. |
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Family Matters: Farmaholic husband |
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Farmaholic husband
