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Family Matters:  Intergenerational Living Worries  |
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EleanorRose
Farmgirl in Training
25 Posts
Eleanor
Manchester
NH
USA
25 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 24 2010 : 9:28:43 PM
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I'm moving with my family this summer, out of the city, and into the suburban life of my in-laws. From a cramped townhouse in the middle of downtown, amidst carbon monixide filled streets and safety concerns, into a quiet, family neighborhood, with homes built in the 50s and tree lined streets with enough yard to plant my first garden.
My in-laws are in their late 70s and could use the help around the house and having my 2 year old there has made them feel young again.
June is our moving date, and I am suddenly feeling all sorts of anxiety about the situation.
For one, my MIL does not believe in organic food or healthy cooking/eating and frequently I have found that she has fed my daughter Walmart bought food products and usually relies on the staple of chicken tenders and fries (which thankfully, my daughter has grown tired of). I give them alot of leeway because they're old and I want them to do what is easiest for them in their home, especially since they only see my daughter once a week and it's not going to kill her. But now that we are living there, I am growing nervous.
The other thing I am suddenly bothered by is the heavy use of chemical cleaning products. My MIL is a horder, her basement is literally chock full of things she has purchased from the 1960s and up, it would be great if she used most of the stuff, but she probably doesn't even know what is down there. And she has rampant loads of chemicals stocked up for good use. It might be nearly impossible to teach her to use vinegar at this point.
Besides those things, it would be relatively easy to perhaps convince her to put her chemical use on hold and to let us eat our way, but she is a vice grip strong female figure in the family and whenever possible, not maliciously, she has the strange ability to force a person out of their steadfast position. I would be more apt to hold my own as a strong woman myself, but she's very persuasive and also very generous. It is difficult to say "No" a thousand times when someone is literally giving you the shirt off their back.
Which comes to the very reason we are moving in with her in the first place, she generously offered us her home in our transition from city to country and to get our finances in shape before moving on.
It's certainly going to be different for my husband and I, who are in our mid thirties to be moving back in with parents. I wonder how, despite what we can all learn from each other, we will get along. And how can I make sure that my values are being upheld?
Earth-loving, Rock-star Mama. |
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maggie14
True Blue Farmgirl
6784 Posts
Hannah
Washington
USA
6784 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2010 : 9:38:29 PM
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oh Eleanor! I am sure everything will work out in the end. So sorry you are worried. I will be praying for you and your family!
Hugs,
Channah
Farmgirl sister #1219
Just a small town country girl trying to live her dreams. :) |
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EleanorRose
Farmgirl in Training
25 Posts
Eleanor
Manchester
NH
USA
25 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2010 : 9:39:33 PM
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Thanks Channah :) I love my MIL, but yeah...
Earth-loving, Rock-star Mama. |
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maggie14
True Blue Farmgirl
6784 Posts
Hannah
Washington
USA
6784 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2010 : 9:44:03 PM
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I understand. It is hard.
Hugs!!
Channah
Farmgirl sister #1219
Just a small town country girl trying to live her dreams. :) |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2010 : 11:23:45 PM
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I have been living that very situation for about 18 months now. It is hard on everyone. Please be sure to explain your beliefs up front at the very begining and then stand your ground. I thought I'd just go along with whatever because it was only for 2 or 3 years. Then a short time back I found myself having to fight for the right to be the one to make decisions and rules for my children. I had allowed my MIL to take over and I was harboring a lot of resentment over the situation. It made for a very miserable turn around in the family situation. Please don't make my mistake. Stand firm in your beliefs and enforce that you are 'Mom' from the very begining and there shouldn't be any problems.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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Melbick
True Blue Farmgirl
81 Posts
Melanie
Venus
TX
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2010 : 11:54:10 PM
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I have been in your situation for about 6 years now. We moved in with my grandmother, also in her 70's at the time for a short time to get better stabilized, then her health began to fail and we have just stayed with her. on of our biggest problems was the chemical use. we ended up compromising and for the most part the main portion of the house is cleaned with my choice of cleaners and her room and bathroom get cleaned, by her, with her choice. As for the food, i made her a bet, she was on high blood pressure, cholesteral, and like 9 other medications as well as a diabetic. Whe had just gone into the dr for her lab work that had to be done every 3 months, and the Dr had actually increased some of her meds. I bet her that if she would eat my way for the next 3 months, that her lab work would come back better. she agreed, and at the next lab her counts were down enough that the dr lowered her most of her meds, and here we are 6 years later and she is off most her meds, per dr's orders, the only problems she has now is ones that can't be corrected with medication.
All I can say is stand your ground and try to compromise because our parents are a wealth of knowledge for us and our children.
Melanie Bickham
Homegrown Girls
http://thebickhamfamily.blogspot.com/ |
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mommatracy
True Blue Farmgirl
490 Posts
Tracy
My. Olive
NC
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - Apr 25 2010 : 02:44:20 AM
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I hope it works out for you. It can be beneficial to all if it does. My husband and I are in our mid-late fifties. We have been raising our 17 month old grandaughter since she was 6 months. Mom left the army two weeks ago and has moved in. Last year our single 31 yr. old DD left a corporate job in Raleigh because she couldn't take the stress and traffic. She moved in to help with the baby until Mom got out of the Army. The help turned out to be not so much as she works full time and has a life. She owns her own home in Raleigh but now has it rented out. All of this happened as we downsized from a 4,500 square foot house,to a 2,500 sq.ft. house, and we just recently finished building our 1,400 sq.ft. house. Our life has changed like we could have never imagined. I am again finding used towels tangled up in the bed that never gets made,clothes everywhere,shoes in the middle of the floor,bathroom chaos, wet clothes left in the washer,clothes left in the dryer. It feels like they are back in high school. You get the picture. Army mom is taking excellent care of the baby and does cook for us now. They will be living with us for many years to come due to problems with Mom. You sound like a sensible, responsible young woman who probably wouldn't live the way I have described. Maybe your Mom will see, little by little, by your example that there are better ways to exist in our enviroment than a generation ago. Just not making a total mess in the house would be good enough for me. If your mom would allow you to make the grocery list and prepare the meals that could be so beneficial to her. Hey, I have no problem with that arrangement here. There was a time when no way would I let my daughters take over my kitchen. I have been so worn out this past year they can take over anything they want if it gives me a break.
I wish you the best and hope Mom can bend a bit.
www.cottagebythebay.blogspot.com
~Trust in the Lord...but row away from the rocks~ |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Apr 25 2010 : 09:35:50 AM
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I agree with Melanie and Tracy, try to take on the meal making, you have to do it for your family now and two more people isn't that much different. I know in later years my mom switched from healthy eating to things she could do with almost no work. She still enjoyed eating good food though!
I'm quite unconfrontational so I would try to switch the cleaning materials etc. as I went along,
maybe stressing how healthy cleaning can be cheaper too.
There are some real advantages to a multigenerational home in the closeness of kids and grandparents and the chance for the adults to interact. My MIL lived with us for a couple of years it worked out for the most part though with failing health she didn't want us to get a babysitter if we went out but found it overwhelming with 3 little kids. I managed to "swap" kids with a neighbor so they had a "playdate" rather than a babysitter, and we both had an occasional break.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Apr 25 2010 : 3:25:11 PM
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It is a hard thing to do, to try and make two different ideas on homemaking and many other issues work out smoothly. Especially when you are used to your own ways. Especailly if the moving in is done by you. It is harder on the older people because they are set in their ways. As much as they love the grandchildren, it has been a long time since they had to have kids and all their stuff around 24 hours a day. I would certainly sit down way before you move in and have a very serious talk about what is acceptable for all of you. Set your guide lines right up front, and see if you can live with their rules and guide lines and them with yours. It is not always an easy set up. Truthfully I would avoid it if at all possible. But, that is just me. There are cases where it all works out fine. But, I think it takes a very easy laid back personality and attitude to make it work. I wish you all the best. Maybe if you set the guidelines and the things that are important to all of you right at the begining it will work out well for you.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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EleanorRose
Farmgirl in Training
25 Posts
Eleanor
Manchester
NH
USA
25 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2010 : 08:55:55 AM
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Thanks everyone, it is always nice to receive multiple perspectives. Thanks Tracy for reminding me that it's actually not all about me, maybe my MIL will also have her own fears and concerns.
I will be having a detailed conversation, of many, with them. I am not sure how we are going to split cooking duties, but if I can offer to cook for them, maybe I can help them become healthier.
Earth-loving, Rock-star Mama. |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2010 : 03:49:06 AM
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If this is to be just a holding place for now. Get your affairs in order as best you can, take out a loan if possible and get out ASAP.
A month may turn into 3 or 3 years and this kind of stress will wear on you both eventually.
If there are days when she runs errands and you have opportunity to be there alone, I'd start in the basement and quietly get rid of the old chemicals. Clean as best you can if she is away and make this stay as temporary as you can.
If you are to become a primary caregiver and this is longterm. Start your fact finding mission by providing facts so she will see the damage this stuff potentially has on everyone's health.
And of course, just talk and listen to each other together when you do have your chat. This is a major milestone and will be weird for everyone. Since there is a young child involved, her health counts too as does the older people in the house. Both systems are fragile and need to be treared with the best TLC possible. Good for the people, good for the environment |
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3317 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3317 Posts |
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jclambert
True Blue Farmgirl
149 Posts
Judy
Stringtown
Oklahoma
USA
149 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2010 : 06:33:37 AM
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I feel for you. I was on the other end of the situation, with my MIL moving in with me when her health was too bad to live alone. First, remember it is your MIL's house and you have to respect her wishes. You may have to make your meals separate. I had to prepare special meals for my MIL because she would not eat certain things. If you don't like her cleaning products you may have to do the cleaning so that you can use your own. A lot of compromise will have to be made. It's going to be stressful for both of you no matter what you do, don't expect her to change the way she has done things all her life. My MIL was not a demanding person and did not want to interfere in our lives, but she had certain things she would not change or compromise on. It was her way of still feeling independent and I did not want to take that away from her.
Good luck to you.
Judy
*Love one another* |
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Family Matters: Intergenerational Living Worries |
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Intergenerational Living Worries
