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Family Matters:  Dealing with someone who is always negative  |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 08:01:02 AM
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Hi gals, what are your tricks to survive dealing with someone who is always negative or in a bad mood? A person who sees the glass as half empty (even when its completely full!)and is really crabby all the time? Someone where it gets to the point where you can't hardly talk to them because all they want to do is talk about how terrible everything in the entire world is. But someone who you can't very well ignore because they live with you? (My dad) ;) I get being sensitive to their issues, but I'm talking about the dailyness of being around someone who if the sun is shining and its absolutely perfect weather, will literally tell you the world is going to blow up.
Things are rough for everyone right now, I get that. And there are a ton of things going on in the world that I don't like either. But I guess I try to deal with things differently. I also can't stand it when people sink into a hole and say "Things are so rough for me...I'm sure they are PERFECT for you guys. I'm sure you have NO problems at all." Seriously? Get real!!! I am looking for some coping mechanisms that will help ME get through dealing with the constant negativity - is that selfish? Thanks for letting me vent.
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.wakeupstartlearning.blogspot.com
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 08:10:14 AM
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Amy, sometimes you just have to disconnect. No use getting yourself down because of someone else. Sometimes it's just easier to be happy.
Why not go out on a limb, that's where all the fruit is! "Mark Twain"
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922 |
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solilly
True Blue Farmgirl
726 Posts
Lillian
Williamsburg
Virginia
USA
726 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 08:12:13 AM
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Ho  Amy if it was a friend, but your dad and living with you that is a hard one. Make sure he gets lots of sun  most of the time these people do not get out side or even open their shades. Sun seams to help a lot of people who become depresed. Any hobbies they need some. Any friends they need some. Is he sick? In ways that help can be given to inprove the condition. I wish you all the best. Prayers and hugs. Lilly 
learning the life I always wanted. |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 08:35:28 AM
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I have a person in my life that is like that and critical as all get out too. *HUGS* Just try to keep your inner sunshine from being dampened by them. Some times you just have to say either out loud if the situation warrants or to your self. "I'm going to have a good day", "be in a good mood", "do things my way" etc. It is wearying to live with someone who is so negative. I always think of the old saying "misery loves company"...try your best to not be the company!
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Palouse Prairie Girls Chapter
http://palouseprairiegirls.blogspot.com/
http://prairiegirlsjournal.blogspot.com/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 08:38:04 AM
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I think most the reason my dad is having such a hard time is he works construction and keeps thinking things will get better and they aren't. He can't pay his bills, he has to depend on us to keep he and Mom afloat. That is a huge blow to his ego, I'm sure. We don't make a big deal about it, God knows there have been plenty of times he's helped us out. So I know that is part of the issue with his depression. And I respect that. I know I need to be patient, but sometimes I get so frustrated that he can't focus on the blessings and accept the help without the crabby attitude to go along with it. ;) He doesn't want to give up construction because its all he's ever known (he owns his own biz) but for two years its been almost nothing. He has applied for many other jobs but so have a million others who aren't 51 years old. :( He's getting discouraged. I hope I don't sound like a mean ol' daughter. He's probably got every right to be mad. I just have a hard time dealing with it on a daily basis. I keep joking with him to just quit and be a farmer. He shakes his head and says "You need money to do that." I tell him we've lived on much less than we have now. He just shakes his head, and says he hates having it that his daughter and son in law have to support him. :( And sometimes I don't think it matters how many times we tell him its ok and things will turn around, and if they don't, oh well...it still bugs him.
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.wakeupstartlearning.blogspot.com
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 11:38:11 AM
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I am living with my MIL since my FIL passed. She is exactly the same way. I lived with it for 16 months and it was eating away at me. I totally understand how you are feeling. About 2 days ago she was standing in the kitchen watching my DH and I gettin ready to go work in the garden. My DH is bald, by choice, and he reached for his sunscreen to cover his shiny melon and the ranting from her began. She started going on about how much she missed his hair and how he wasn't as attractive bald and he was gonna burn his head and so on. I could feel my skin startin to crawl. Then she actually said, "You have to go to the doctor! You're gonna die of skin cancer!" I snapped. I couldn't help it anymore. We've told her that we have to keep things positive for the girls. I turned around and snapped at her that if he wanted to get skin cancer he wouldn't put sunscreen on his head and it was his business and she smoked like a chiminey and had no right to say anything it was our life not hers. She was floored and my DH just stands there grinning and letting me rant. She swears she didn't think she was being negative. Things have been a bit better the last few days, she still doesn't state much positive, but has backed off on the negative.
Maybe you shuold try to talk to your Dad and explain that you need more positive and less negative in life. The eventual blow up could get ugly if you don't do something. And maybe it would be on someone who doesn't deserve it. Try talkin to your Mom. Maybe she could do something. I'm sure his ego is suffering, but that doesn't mean you should suffer too. We had to actually pool money and resources with my parents a few years ago. It was hard and really bothered my Dad more than us. But he finally got to 'settle up' with us this last year with the baby having so many health problems. It made him glow, I swear, to swoop in and pay all our bills for a month so we could sit at the hospital with the baby. You might let him know that a time will come when you're gonna need help and He will get to save you.
I don't know how to help you much more than to sympathize with you. I usually just go work in my garden when my MIL starts gettin to me. She has leg issues so she can't follow me around out there. If she does come out she has to sit in a chair. (Which just happens to be about 50 or so feet away from the garden. What? Can't hear you? ;> ) Is there some way you could put him to work? A new chicken coop? A new compost bin? Something need fixed? A new barn? Your sanity might be worth the expense.
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 12:33:11 PM
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Amy- I think Angela hit on an excellent compromise, especially if you aren't needing/expecting him to pay back what they are borrowing from you- Have him do all the household repairs etc. You could also have him do some basic labor like digging the gardens, building pathways or whatever. Things that we always would like to do with our property but never have the time to do ourselves and can't afford to pay a handy man to do.
You might also suggest that he puts out his shingle not just as construction but to do Handy Man type work at other people's houses. Maybe that extra bit of help/labor will help his ego.
As for how to deal with it on your end- that is hard. *hugs* It sounds like you really understand where he is coming from so maybe just taking a deep breath and trying to ride out the storm or reminding him that you don't want the kids to be surrounded by negativity. Then go scream into your pillow if he gets really frustrating!!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 12:59:21 PM
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I am in a similar spot. We moved to Texas and are staying with my SIL. She is a very negitive, snobby, arrogant, selfish person. She has been alone for many years. I knew that there would be a time of adjustment. But she is completely inflexible. She is full of comments and advice. But she does nothing. In the past she has paid someone to pump her gas, clean her house, etc. She won't even carry her own stuff to her truck in the morning for work. She expects my hubby to do it. He doesn't mind, but her attitude stinks. I clean and cook. She sat down to a meal and said to me that she doesn't think that I cooked it right because it didn't taste like she thought that it should. I had to bite my lip. We are staying in her place. Then she'll turn around and buy expensive gifts and she paid for my daughter to go to Christian school we were looking into. This has caused some serious fights between me and my hubby. We hardly ever even argued before. The stress is terrible. The only good thing is she works 6 days a week at work and usually does work at home on Sundays. I feel like a complete and total ingrate and jerk because I just am so unhappy and I don't have anyone to vent to because my family and friend are 1300 miles away. If I try to talk to hubby, he gets mad and tells me that's all he needs is more [bleep]ing (sorry). So I completely understand trying to deal with a negitive person. It is exhusting.
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
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Faransgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
895 Posts
Beth
Houston
Texas
USA
895 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 1:06:52 PM
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I don't have anyone in my home like this but I stable my horses and we have two people that stable in our barn that are just like that. One is a woman and we have finally just stopped talking to her at all. I know that is awful but there are 6 other people that board in that barn and all of us either refuse to speak to her or arrange our time with our horses when she is not usually there. I feel sad for her because she has a great husband who makes a great salary and spends time with her at the barn etc. Her son is a good kid, goes to college, lives at home and helps her out with money etc. even though they have plenty of money. She has two older horses that are in good health and have great manners, one middle aged health dog and 5 cats. Yet she always whines about how hard things are for her and how she has no support system at home. I wish I had half the support system she has. Sadly though we all just pretend she isn't there 90 percent of the time.
The other is my best friends husband. He goes on and on about the political system and how corrupt the movie stars are and how we all need to face all the bad things happening so that we can be prepared. When he gets started good we usually tell him "OK, we know all that already, we have faced all the bad things that are happening, we are prepared and we don't want to hear any more about it today.". Then if he starts again, we remind him laughingly that we don't want to hear anymore today. After about three reminders he either goes and finds someone else to talk to - usually the negative woman - or he goes off to repair something in the pasture etc.
Then if all else fails I just put the earphones to my IPod in my ears, turn up the volume and start singing. I am a terrible singer so they tend to leave me alone. LOL
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer". |
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KD Earthwork
True Blue Farmgirl
210 Posts
Katie
Gualala
Calif.
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 4:28:26 PM
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My husband is a diabled vietnam vet.He was married for twenty years to an agoriphobic extremely negative woman,that he really disliked,very dysfunctional relationship.So his tendency towards negativity is habitual and very ingrained.I've tried to give him everything he ever wanted when we married.A child of his own,rural land in his own name, heavy equipment he owns(backhoe and excavator),a home of his own(we built one),horses , farm life etc.Even the crowning glory a Harley to get away from all he wanted on.
I asked for one thing before we sold my house to do all this, that he always be welcoming to my children, that this would be their home as well.He refuses to even be civil to my oldest daughter, 21, who has no one else.But she tries so hard to be independant while in college.She's always worked.
Anyway, my husband doesn't work he stays home with our 4yr old.He's now always tired,complaining and unhappy.I work three days a week and try to help with everything when I'm home.He's the most wonderful man to me most of the time,very supportive, tries to help with anything I want, truly loves me.But it's hard to accept his negativity.I repeatedly remind him of all he has,including a wife who loves him.But it's just hard for him to change his habit.He will shake it for a few days but then it comes back.Be careful of the habits we begin, keep positive and happy,realize no one else can make you happy but you.
Katie |
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solilly
True Blue Farmgirl
726 Posts
Lillian
Williamsburg
Virginia
USA
726 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 6:47:32 PM
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KATIE I am so sorry for you. The more you want things right the harder they will become. Maybe your daughter will find her way and not need you so much. She will be fine take care of you.
Beth the way you deal with the sour puss in the stable is great. She has it all and is not able to see it.
Amy the SIL thing is just as bad as dads thing. It soulds like you guys need her for a place to stay and she is using it all the way.
Angela I really like the way you deal with your MIL.
Why is it so hard to thank the people who can and do help us or be greatful that family and not strangers are helping and they understand more then a stranger would. Years ago people were different families all lived together some time as many as 4 generations in one house hold. With the nation like it is more and more families will be living together. Lets all hope that in some ways everyone will over come there pride and start getting along better. Hugs and prayers for all you girls. Lilly
learning the life I always wanted. |
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MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2010 : 06:48:56 AM
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My Mom grew up in a rented house with lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins. When she got older,they moved in with a single uncle. She told me that she slept in her own bed maybe one or twice a month due to all the visiting family. This was in the late 30's and early 40's. So lots of families lived all together.
I am trying not to get sucked in to the vortex of negitivity and complaining. When I leave the house, it feels like a huge boulder is off my shoulders.
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
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Faransgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
895 Posts
Beth
Houston
Texas
USA
895 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2010 : 07:57:21 AM
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I have three daughters and my sister lives with us. Our goal is to get land and all of us live together. That is what we all want to do. We all love animals and some of us love gardening and we are all ready to live on our own together somewhere. We would have to work on my youngest though, she has had a really bad year this past year and she had a nasty boyfriend/stalker. She has gotten a bit negative and her depression and negativity worries me a lot.
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer". |
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patchworkpeace
True Blue Farmgirl
478 Posts
Judy
Jackson
Michigan
USA
478 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2010 : 09:37:15 AM
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That's hard. But it sounds like you are getting good advice from the farm girls. My husband is a negative person. When we talked about it once he told me he felt like if he ever told me I did a good job that I would stop trying to do better. That blew me away, because the opposite is true. However, since then he has made a concerted effort to do better. It's a long way from perfect, but just knowing he is making the effort helps. Your dad probably feels like a burden to you even though you don't expect anything from him. Part of my husband's problem is that whenever his family gets together they make him feel like he is nothing because he isn't as "successful" as they are. I don't know how old your dad is, but if he grew up in the 20's, 30's or 40's, he may very well feel like that, too. Perhaps, just sitting down with him and asking him to help you understand what he is thinking about the situation might help. Good luck and hope it sorts out soon for you.
Judy
Success is measured not by the position one reaches but by the obstacles one has to overcome to reach it. Booker T. Washington |
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msdoolittle
True Blue Farmgirl
1143 Posts
Amanda
East Texas
USA
1143 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2010 : 12:05:14 PM
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Amy,
I'm so sorry y'all are going through this! I know construction is just a bad business to be in at this time. One of my best friend's husbands is an independent contractor, and there's just nothing out there.
All of the girls have made excellent suggestions and points. I think in your case, I bet your dad is probably feeling very scared and vulnerable right now. I mean, who wouldn't be? Like the other gals said, try to incorporate him into little projects with you. Like, "Dad, do you mind helping me....(weed the yard, fix something, build a garden, etc), or, "Dad, I really could use your help....(fill in the blank)." Good men have a fear of being thought useless, especially when they get older. So, maybe if he had some 'tinkering' to do, he wouldn't feel so bad.
I'd also try this: Next time he says something negative about the world, I'd take his hand and just tell him "Yes, things are really bad sometimes, but I sure feel lucky to have you." I know that's totally corny, but everyone loves to feel loved, right?
AND, I'd just try to counteract the negativity with something positive, and trust me, I KNOW personally that is tough. My stepfather is about 99% negative all of the time. I don't live with him, but if I did, I'd just have to tell him how I felt, and after about 23 years of holding it in, it wouldn't be pretty. Don't wait like I did. I'd tell him your feelings now.
Adventures in Homesteading!
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2010 : 03:45:32 AM
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I work w/ someone who is just like this and is clinically depressed
Poor thing
I try and spread a little sunshine whenever possible, but try to reflect on all the positive things in my own life so she won't bring everything down |
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Bonnie Ellis
True Blue Farmgirl
2474 Posts
Bonnie
Minneapolis
Minnesota
USA
2474 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2010 : 07:35:20 AM
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Amy:I relate to your situation but it is time YOU took charge (in a loving way) Get a copy of Parent Effectiveness Training. That book helped me a lot.How we say things makes a world of difference. It shows how to deal with negative people and not be mean. We just need to state in a positive way what we want. My adoptive mom (a humdinger of a negative individual) was horrible. She ragged on me about everything. One day she was critisising how much dust was in my house ( I can usually overlook that until I get to it) The book says to repeat to her what she has just said. I did and she said yes, it's filthy. I said, then I'll get a dust cloth and you can clean it for me. That would be very nice. Since she got into the frey she couldn't get out without dussting. Get the book......... Bonnie
grandmother and orphan farmgirl |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
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emsmommy5
True Blue Farmgirl
1547 Posts
Angie
Buckley
WA
USA
1547 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2010 : 08:27:49 AM
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Another book suggestion.... "I don't have to make everything all better."
Helped me immensely.
Another favorite is "parenting with love and logic" I know it's a parenting book, but the communication skills are something I use with adults all the time.
Negativity just eats at the soul. Have lots of stories to back *that* comment up. =)
Do what you love, love what you do. |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Apr 19 2010 : 03:39:51 AM
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| Sounds like something my bosses need too! |
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patchworkpeace
True Blue Farmgirl
478 Posts
Judy
Jackson
Michigan
USA
478 Posts |
Posted - Apr 19 2010 : 08:32:39 AM
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Bonnie,
Thanks for sharing about the book, I'm going to see if our library has it.
Judy
Success is measured not by the position one reaches but by the obstacles one has to overcome to reach it. Booker T. Washington |
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debtea2
True Blue Farmgirl
1853 Posts
deborah
nutley
nj
USA
1853 Posts |
Posted - Apr 19 2010 : 7:27:47 PM
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how awful when negative people bring you down
is so draining emotional and physically
god be with you
and see you thru this
http://jerseyfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
inch by inch we find our way
jersey farmgirl
#1330
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knittingmom
True Blue Farmgirl
665 Posts
AnneMarie
Edmonton
Alberta
Canada
665 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2010 : 5:20:39 PM
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Has your dad always been like this? I think it's very tough for, especially men, who have had steady work, could provide for themselves and their families to suddenly be struggling. For a while there job loss was no big thing, there was always work to be found. Not now and unfortunately if you're over a certain age that's another barrier.
Maybe if DH and you can keep having a gentle heart to hearts with him acknowledging his frustration but letting him know he and your mom are not a burden that if you were in the same boat they wouldn't hesitate to help. That's what family is for. The reality is times are tough but you can't curl up into a little bitter ball and dwell in the misery, it doesn't serve any purpose, but he will have to choose to get out of that spot.
If it continues would he go see his family doctor to discuss depression.
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" |
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highlandviewpantry
True Blue Farmgirl
214 Posts
WV
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2010 : 06:38:45 AM
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I come from a long line of negative thinkers. I make an effort to be positive. "People are as happy as they make up their minds to be." When my husband catches me being negative he usually makes a joke and pulls me out of it. If I negatively dwell on a health issue he'll say - You're right I'm gonna miss you when you're gone. My suggestion try an encourage them to dwell on the positive.
www.thehighlandviewpantry.blogspot.com |
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Family Matters: Dealing with someone who is always negative |
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Dealing with someone who is always negative
