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Across the Fence:  dilemma, rambling, venting....  |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 12 2010 : 12:35:26 AM
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Please bear with me gals, Maybe I am just wanting to write this down because it is doing my head in, yuck.
Y'all know about my "boyfriend A" and now I don't know what I want anymore, duh. On the one hand I really like him (notice the "like" and not "love")on the other hand I am thinking "WHAT am I getting myself in for". Am I really in love with him, is it infatuation, is it the "not being on my own anymore" feeling...
I realise it has only been 2 months so just a short time. But still...do I WANT to keep talking to him on the phone. We hardly see eachother due to the weather (he doesn't want/like to drive in snowy weather at all). Is this enough for me, is it fair on HIM to keep him "hanging" in there.
I know if I say NO to him I might miss him. But on the other hand I really LIKE being on my own, doing my own things, doing what I want instead of the other way around. Know what I mean??
Am I being selfish?? It has taken me so many years to be who I am now, all the years with mom...And now I can do what I want without someone telling me "no you can't..no we can't" etc.
I talk to my friend A about it and ofcourse she tells me it is MY decision to make and she is right. She gives me options and then I go home wondering about them. I even turn of the ringer on my phone (horror) because I dont know WHAT to say to him (I know it is mean and not fair on him either...)
Isn't this a stupid thing...being 52 and not able to make a decision on yes or no. Darn it.... The ONLY thing I am certain of is that I want peace. Peace of mind, peace of being "safe" in my own home.
And you know? The moment I now pick up the phone to call him, I just talk small talk. I just don't know HOW to say all this to him....
I also know that the years with mom are behind me, but they are so etched INSIDE of me. Inside where I just can't let go... and that is something he doesn't (can't ) understand. IF I tell him something about it he just says : you have to get pas that, that is gone" and I KNOW he is right ofcourse. But I just can't. It is part of my past that was SO hard, SO sad, so difficult...Nobody (not even my brother) really KNOWS what happened. NOBODY knows.
Sorry for venting gals, I just needed to write this down...somewhere.
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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yarnmamma
True Blue Farmgirl
4247 Posts
Linda
Clarks Summit
PA
USA
4247 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2010 : 03:46:48 AM
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Hugs for you too, Dutchy.
My Twiggy wakes me up early and I just noticed your topic.
I am hoping you will get lots of feedback from others on this...we care about you. Remember when I needed to share about my man dilema?
Mine was not the same as yours but I do understand being on your own and the freedom. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be married again, or to have a steady boyfriend. Then when I meet and date someone I just don't have the feelings for him.
I think men are the same way, as far as being alone for a long time and getting so used to it. We used to call that "set in our own ways".
The biggest thing I have learned in my almost 60 years...many relationships in my past...is that I can't expect a man to be my girlfriend. There are so many things that are important to women that men just don't understand. If he expects me to change alot then it just won't work...and I can't expect a man to change alot either.
As far as your history with your mother I hope you have friends who honor that and allow you to share all you need about her.
I don't have any specific advice to give ya about your situation but hopefully some caring Farmgirl sisters will.
Just remember this: WOMEN are not selfish...we are expected to take care of others and we have to work at taking care of ourselves.
much love, Linda
Linda in Scranton, PA
What a wonderful world.
Louis Armstrong |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2010 : 04:00:29 AM
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You know Linda, I called A. He understands that I need my space in this. He wants to help me get through this. He doesn't want to loose me, and if I am honest I don't wanna loose him either. He is a wonderful sweet kind man. I just need this breathing space and he is willing to give me that. Isn't he great? Yes I know I lucked out with him, I really do. Many men would say you work it out and then.... But he wants to help me.
I also wrote a long piece on my Dutch blog about this and got feed back from my brother. He too has the same (relationship) issues and they all boil down to mom. She was a good mom, but we both think that she just should never had children. Silly as it sounds (we wouldn't be here) but I guess that is the case. She was good....for her.....and not for us kids. She did the best she knew how and that was just bad for us.
Again sorry for rambling.
Gotta go do the mail route now :)
Thanks for letting me vent here too, gals.
I don't think I am really looking for an answer from y'all, just some feed back maybe or just a hug and a cuddle :)
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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mellaisbella
True Blue Farmgirl
1862 Posts
melanie
living on Anne of Green
Gables land
Canada
1862 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2010 : 04:33:13 AM
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oh Dutchy....affairs of the heart are so hard to sort through sometimes.....be true to yourself and take all the time you need, don't rush and good luck!
"we must be the change we wish to see in the world"
farmgal #150 |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2010 : 06:08:27 AM
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I wish I had some great advice to give you but I don't Only just go with your heart. It sounds like he's willing to help you get through this time.
Lots of hugs coming your way.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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Roxy7
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Robin
Denver
CO
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2010 : 06:14:56 AM
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| Do you fear the change it would take to be in a long term relationship? Do you think it would make you lose ALL the freedom you have? Do you fear happiness? Continue to take it slow. He sounds like a nice man. Is he pushing for a more serious relationship? |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2010 : 06:41:59 AM
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Roxy, he was pushing but not anymore. He understands ;)
And yes, it is also fear. And we'll take it slow.
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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emsmommy5
True Blue Farmgirl
1547 Posts
Angie
Buckley
WA
USA
1547 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2010 : 09:07:33 AM
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No real advice. But here is a *hug* and a ((cuddle))! =)
Do what you love, love what you do. |
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Diane B Carter
True Blue Farmgirl
1270 Posts
Diane
Blasdell
N.Y.
USA
1270 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2010 : 12:23:29 PM
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Take it slowly, all relationships have ups & downs and that is what is hard to deal with. I have a great husband now but last night I could of done without him. I was leaving to pick my brother & sister in law up from the hospital it was 4am and they had been in the ER since 4PM. I had our grandson sleeping with us and Jim was grumbling because they live 2 hours away. I felt with all I've done for his family he should of been happy to go with out complaing. He did go and pick them up for me and they ended up spending the night here but all the drama he caused was stupid. I raised 2 sons by myself so I am very independent but I always tried to put family (husband and all) first. It would be much easier to only please ourselves but I think it would also be loney. Take it slow, he sounds like he's a nice guy, and always be truthful about how you feel. (((HUGS)))
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
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pinkroses
True Blue Farmgirl
2350 Posts
Sheila
Virginia
USA
2350 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2010 : 3:41:51 PM
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Dear Sweet Dutchy
Oh my goodness
Well, I don't know what to say
but, I think I would just give it time
I know that you want to be sure to.
Just go with the flow for now
I know you are a Christian
Pray and ask God what "he" would have you to do.
Be still and listen to that still small voice.
Maybe talk to your pastor friend
You know we are all here for you and want the best for you
I will pray for you ,
Maybe talk to your boyfriend about your feelings too.
hugs sheila
www.ohkayteagirl2.blogspot.com
http;//www.sheilascreativewritings.blogspot.com |
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Sarahpauline
True Blue Farmgirl
672 Posts
sarah
Ringgold
GA
USA
672 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2010 : 4:28:56 PM
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Dutchy,
I completely understand how you feel! I have sabotaged many relationship wanting my space, wanting to see what movie I want to see, wanting pink curtains if I want or to wear what I want. I have felt stifled too. It sounds like you were very clear with him about what you need from him and that he is willing to go along with that. Wouldnt it be nice if you could just see a little into the future to see what was going to happen? I think you are doing the right thing, back off a bit, and see how you feel. Being honest with him about your feelings like you are doing is the right thing. You are so smart. :)
Not all those who wander are lost...
www.SarahPauline.com
www.AbraxasBaroque.com |
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knitnpickinatune
True Blue Farmgirl
1140 Posts
Sherrie
Gardena
California
USA
1140 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2010 : 6:44:57 PM
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Oh Dutchy! Decisions like this can be soooo tough. Esp tough for women that have been on their own for awhile (ie not in a relationship) not to mention past 40. Funny how as young women we're so eager to give our time to a man & take a back seat,then when we get our heads on more level & get older we change a lot.I don't know a lot about your mom-mine was famous for taking over my life once I was 13 or so,ruining any dating relationships I had & stomping all over my dreams of being a professional musician. I will confess after my divorce many years ago & her passing on I'm extremely leery of opening up to s love relationship,tho it is a lonely life. I agree with the women here-don't jump to anything-he seems a very sweet man-see what it is that scares you & analyze it. Is it unfounded fears? Something else? Only you know for sure. Pray & meditate on it & no rushing to conclusions. You're still in control of your space!
http://www.pluckyfarmgirl.blogspot.com
http://www.mandochicks.com
http://mandolinbabe.net
http://www.mandolinbabe.com
http://www.mtndulcimer.com
@MandolinChick on Twitter
fingerpickin Farmgirl #702 |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2010 : 12:40:59 AM
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Dutchy - I am sorry that you're having such a difficult time with this decision. I can totally relate somewhat to where you're coming from. I am at the point in my life where I don't want to answer to anyone. I have had 2 husbands and that is plenty for one woman. I answered to my parents, got married at 17, and have had to answer to someone for all these years. I am 57 and now ready to be my own person and do my own thing.
It is good that you've been honest with your friend. Honesty is always the best policy. I pray that you will find comfort in whatever decision you make.
Hugs,
Kay
Handmade Soap, Lotion Bars & More! http://therusticcottage.etsy.com
The Rustic Cottage Blog http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Jan 15 2010 : 8:18:34 PM
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just remember you don't "have" to have a man in your life to be happy. if you want one that is another thing. so decide if you want him for a friend or something more and like everyone else said take your own sweet time and if he waits good and if not then it was not meant to be. You will be fine either way...
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett Beverley with an extra E...
http://bevsdoggies.googlepages.com/ |
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Across the Fence: dilemma, rambling, venting.... |
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dilemma, rambling, venting....
