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Across the Fence:  Is this normal?  |
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 29 2009 : 11:59:46 PM
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OK, ladies, I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I've been having a terrible time the last couple of months dealing with the death of a friend of mine. What makes it so difficult is that he was killed during an apparent car-jacking. It happened back around the middle of May and since then, I've been having trouble sleeping, I've gained at least ten pounds, and I've been questioning everything I ever believed about God. What I want to know is, is this normal for that type of situation? I've lost friends, but never under these circumstances. He was a spiritual advisor to me and I know that he would tell me to forgive the men who shot him (who still haven't been found)but I feel so lost without his guidance. I just wonder if what I'm going through is "normal" or if I need more help, maybe a good book on grief or talking to a grief counselor. I just don't know how to handle the sense of loss that I feel. I did make up a little book with some of his letters and a poem that I wrote. I haven't been having crying spells or anything like that; actually, I feel inspired by the way he lived his life, always according to his deepest convictions. Maybe I'm just realizing how precious life is, and how I feel a disconnect between the life I'm living and my deepest convictions. I know that grief cannot be rushed but darn it, why does it have to be so painful? If anyone else has ever lost someone under similar circumstances, I'd sure appreciate hearing from you. I don't know what to believe about God anymore and no one seems to have any answers. If he'd had an illness or even been killed in an accident, it would be easier to accept than his being shot in cold blood. I don't mean to sound depressing, it's just that I've never dealt with this type of loss before. Is it OK to feel angry? Cause I think that's how I feel. Thank you for listening.
Cindy
"Dog is my co-pilot"
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2009 : 12:19:57 AM
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I can only tell you one thing. Everybody griefs differently. Anger is a part of grief too. Anger, not understanding why, the not crying etc...all part of the process.
DON'T rush grief!! It is perfectly normal the way you feel. The anger is also perfectly normal. I lost my mom and my oldest brother within 4 months of eachother. I still grief. I am still angry sometimes.
IF you ever feel like talking about it privately, feel free to email me.
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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southerncrossgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
631 Posts
Gena
Harmony
NC
USA
631 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2009 : 04:00:10 AM
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Cindy, my husband just lost his niece about a month ago, and now his brother is also fighting a very aggressive cancer. His parents are soo bitter. I know that one day things will be better, that they will see that life has to go on. You have to move forward, if not for yourself, but for the loved ones around you. WE still have more bad days ahead. but I try to keep everyone moving forward. That old saying, "one step at a time", seems to work.
I am wishing you better days ahead.
Gena
"A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes"==Cinderella |
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Ga Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
2355 Posts
Karen
Meansville
Ga.
USA
2355 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2009 : 05:16:27 AM
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Cindy I have never lost anyone due to a crime or such but I know God is real and I know God wants to help you. Everytime thoughts come into your mind about this situation pray. God says come, knock at his door and he will answer you. Satan will do anything in his power to get you to turn from God and run in his direction. The way you explained your friend I dont think he would want you to doubt God. God can give you peace about the situation if you cry out to him, he will give you the comfort and rest you need. I have lost many loved ones to cancer and at one point questioned God myself. I prayed and read my bible and searched for answers in my bible to help me thru those tough times and God brought me through, as he can do the same for you. You may need to talk to a pastor or christian counsler also. I will be praying for you, I am always here if you need me. I will be happy to give you my phone number if you need to talk anytime. Just email me. Blessings, Karen
P.s. read Psalms it has alot of good words for you.
Create in me a pure heart,O God and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalms 51:10
www.KKJD1.etsy.com |
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deeredawn
True Blue Farmgirl
2306 Posts
Dawn
Cordova
TN
USA
2306 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2009 : 05:25:32 AM
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Karen.
Greif is.... an unreal emotion to deal with. I cannot give you any "miracle words or phrases" to help you through... only know that you will persevere. Just reading this breaks my heart because I know somewhat of what you are experiencing. Two years ago I experienced a devastating loss. Sometimes I will experience or see something that literally takes the wind out of me. Greet each day with a positive attitude. Continue living the Golden Rule, and you will survive this. I am thinking of you.
Dawn #279
MJ's Heirloom Mavens-QMD
http://harvestthyme.blogspot.com
http://maknfaces.blogspot.com
~Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. --Will Rogers~ |
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Diane B Carter
True Blue Farmgirl
1270 Posts
Diane
Blasdell
N.Y.
USA
1270 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2009 : 06:11:16 AM
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They say the pain can last a year, My nephew was murdered also. You never forget. But the pain slowly subsides. I found that prayer and talking to him and others who passed away helped me deal with it. I'll keep you in my prayers. If you need to vent feel free to E-mail me.
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
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Cabinprincess
True Blue Farmgirl
682 Posts
Melody June
Athens
TX
USA
682 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2009 : 06:30:57 AM
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Cindy,
I sent you a email.
Smiles, Melody June
God's gift to you are your talents, your gift to Him is how you use them. |
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Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2009 : 06:40:53 AM
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It sounds totally normal to me. Grief can last a long time, and so can anger at injustice and the cruelty of others.
My dad was almost killed in a robbery attempt 3 years ago, and even though he didn't die it took 2 years before I could get back to feeling good about my life and the city and neighborhood we live in. Then 2 years ago, two people I knew committed suicide within a week of each other. These are things that aren't "supposed" to happen. So it's not strange that you are feeling the disconnect between what you expected out of life and this terrible thing that happened.
Give it time. It might help to talk to a professional as you sort these things out, but you don't need to feel like you're handling it badly or like there's something wrong with you. |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2009 : 06:50:27 AM
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It sounds normal to me also...I think it's completely human to question the "why's' and the "how's" when someone is taken from us in a violent way. Grief is individual, but the method in which your friend was killed just isn't the "normal" way that most of us experience death and greiving...I'm not saying you should be angry with the world, but I do think it can be expected that you would have these feelings. As for the not sleeping, you have also experienced a shock to your emotional system--it wouldn't hurt to go to a counselor, someone who has experience with death and violent crimes. I am so very sorry about your loss. I am hoping that you can find some peace very soon.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2009 : 9:49:44 PM
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Thank you all for your responses. the women on this site are so kind. Jonni, it's so true that the way he died isn't the "normal" way we lose someone--if I feel angry, it's mostly at myself for not being able to handle this as well as he did. You see, when he was shot, he was smiling, trying to disarm them with his good nature. He didn't want them to hurt the other people in the van, and he succeeded. I can forgive the shooters--God knows they need to be forgiven--but I can't muster up the strength to smile when I think about them. I thank God for bringing this person into my life, but I can't understand why God took him so suddenly and unexpectedly. Maybe someday I'll be able to smile at someone who's about to hurt me, but I haven't reached that point yet. This man was closer to sainthood than anyone I've ever known. I guess I just don't understand the lesson here yet. I know God is good, but I don't understand His ways at times. I guess that is normal, isn't it?
Cindy |
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Tapestry
True Blue Farmgirl
1223 Posts
Cheryl
Wisconsin
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2009 : 02:34:53 AM
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I'm so sorry Cindy that you've lost a dear friend in such a tragic and senseless way. I think the emotions you're feeling right now are perfectly normal under the circumstances. When something horrible happens in our lives we all ask, "Why?" That's a normal response. It may be hard right now to look at this in any sort of positive light due to the suddenness and shocking way your dear friend died. I'd like to give you a new way to look at this. Perhaps on the day this happened God knew that it was the day for your friend to come home to Him. In thinking of this good and kind man He thought about the quickest way to bring him home without long suffering. He thought of how your friend could once more Bless others as he has his entire life and thought, "yes, My dear one would gladly give his life for others so that they may live much like My Son did for mankind. Though it will be hard on those left behind this is what I can do for my dear one." I don't know if this will help at all with your questions or feelings right now but I can tell you something I learned over the years as a nurse working in geriatrics. If you pray about this and you watch for a sign your friend will let you know he is alive and well in our Lord's house. It may be something as small as a cloud in the shape of your friend's favorite thing, or every time you look at a clock you see numbers that in some way relate to your friend such as his birthday. He will give you a sign to help ease your grief. I hope this helps in some small way.
Farmgirl huggzz to you.
Happy farmgirl sister #353
Look for rainbows instead of mud puddles 
http://fantasm01.imagekind.com/
http://tapestrysimaginings.blogspot.com/ |
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2009 : 6:50:47 PM
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Cheryl--you put that so well that I got choked up. I do feel that perhaps the reason God took him is because he could do more from Heaven than he could on this Earth. And he did a lot on this Earth, believe me. I love your tagline--I think Lorenzo would have liked it too.He looked for the "Seeds of love" in some of the darkest situations. I didn't see any rainbows today, at least not the kind most people assume, but I saw a living rainbow--a hummingbird. I've been seeing a lot of hummingbirds lately. Maybe Lorenzo is sending the hummingbirds as messengers--he was quite the nature lover. Thank you, farmgirl sister--your words are so true. *hugs*
Cindy |
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Mikki
True Blue Farmgirl
1510 Posts
Mikki
Austin
Indiana
USA
1510 Posts |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2009 : 8:35:14 PM
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My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry such a horrible thing has happened to your friend. Just remember, God never gives us more than we can handle. During my life, I have gone through some bad grief. I continued to go through it until one day I just said, "Here God, You take the grief. I'm putting it in your hands." That one thing did something to the inside of me. I released everything into God's hands. I am glad you posted your post. We are here to listen and try to help. I shall be praying for you Cindy.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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junkjunkie
True Blue Farmgirl
1306 Posts
Judy
Lawrenceville
NJ
USA
1306 Posts |
Posted - Aug 01 2009 : 07:30:27 AM
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Prariehawk, I'm so sorry about your loss. Grief has so many emotions, so what you're feeling is normal. Grief affects people differently...there's no right or wrong way in dealing with it. You just have to go through it and yes, it will get better with time. You will never forget your friend and will probably always feel sadness when you think of him, but the shock and suddenness of his death will disappear. If you think that you need help in dealing with this, a grief counselor or therapist may help. The previous posters had good suggestions and lovely words. Cheryl, your words especially touched me. I sat here crying after reading it. Very beautiful.
"To have life in focus, we must have death in our field of vision." Benedictine monk John Main |
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Across the Fence: Is this normal? |
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Is this normal?
