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Family Matters:  My sister and I  |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
 Posted - May 09 2009 : 08:43:10 AM
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Sometimes its hard to connect when the person you are related to is so different from you  Trying to be my younger sisters friend and get to know her after about 20 years of distance is hard...anyone else have an estranged sibling they are trying to re-connect with? Or other family member?
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
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Corinnelouise
True Blue Farmgirl
957 Posts
Corinne
France
957 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2009 : 09:55:40 AM
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Annika, just do your best and stay true to yourself. It is hard to grow apart and to reconnect and lots of time there are scars from the past which are in the way. Little things are less daunting than big moves.
I feel for you but I am sure you will be patient enough to make it happen.
Big hugs to you dear sister Maven.
Corinne
Sister # 101 |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2009 : 10:15:29 AM
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Corinne, *hugsssssss* you are so wise, thank you for the advice and help. You cannot know how much you are appreciated, Maven Sister.
Big hugs to you too
P.S. I owe you an email once things calm down on the farm!
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
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idsweetie72
True Blue Farmgirl
129 Posts
Sandra
New Meadows
idaho
USA
129 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2009 : 4:48:51 PM
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ahhhhhh- I can relate- my sister went to live with my aunt and uncle and I didn't see her for 10 years- then when we met again we hated each other- it has only been 5 years or so since we have been speaking- and even now we don't have much to do with each other-
I really don't believe that blood has anything to do with family- it has to do with the heart- my closest sister isn't related to me- in fact- we just met last year! So just follow your heart- and do what you feel is best
Mazy Day Farm |
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Miss2Missus
True Blue Farmgirl
407 Posts
Karen
Asheville
NC
USA
407 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2009 : 7:44:23 PM
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i cant really say my brothers and i are estranged, but they are both more than a decade older and live about 8hours away. they were out of the house before i hit my teens and my one brother had started a family too. so needless to say we arent close. i wish we were closer. my one brother (who incidently my parents have "disowned" deffently is more affectionate to me, but my other brother is more reserved. and it kinda sucks cause we actually seem to have a lot in common. but i guess with the age difference and being related its just been hard.
Karen ^_^
http://apple-and-eve.blogspot.com/ |
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NudeFoodFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
433 Posts
Heide
Benton City
WA
433 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2009 : 08:06:24 AM
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This is such an honest thread. There is so much shame and failure attached to us without close families. My mother's dying wish was that I protect my younger siblings (but who is going to protect me from them?) I am the oldest and was raised my whole life to be concerned with their well being, but never was it taught for them to be concerned with mine.
SO now that I have entered this new stage in my life I am trying to protect myself from anyone's toxic opinions and only surround myself with loving caring people (which they aren't).
There is a really long story but to spare you all; I just emailed my sister Happy Mothers day, and when she emailed me back that she has been trying to get ahold of me
;What is my problem? I simply said, I didn't want to talk to her if she is going to be a B****. I told her to call me when she could be nice. . .she hasn't called.
So my offereing to this thread is that we must treat all people as our dream Sisters and Brothers. Open our family boundries to include the ones that we feel our connection, not the blood bond we are told that we are to be connected.
As for the ones we want to be connected too, but arent. . .I think the best way is to remain open and not judgemental, letting your sibling know you accept them (but wont accept any of their baggage).
Be careful not to give them your baggage. . .
I really am seeking advise, I don't know why I am giving it. . .
I guess this is great example of how "you can't teach what you don't know". But this is what I am learning. . .
Hugs,
h
Nude Food Farm
~Grown so good,
Dressing is Optional. |
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wild daisy
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Madelynne
Billings
Montana
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2009 : 11:13:04 AM
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I know this topic very well. You see in my family my Grandfathers sister (Josephine Warmoth Hefner) has been out of touch with the family for over 70 years. She was the twin sister to my Uncle Joseph Warmoth. She just passed away recently after my Uncle got to visit with her one last time. There is even an article regarding this visit at http://www.petaluma360.com/article/20090506/ARTICLES/905069856/1052/OBITS?Title=Josephine-Warmoth-Hefner. I can't begin to express the happiness for my Uncle as this has always been a wish to see her even one more time before he himself passes away. My Grandfather passed away almost 30 years ago but even he had wish to see her again.
We were surprised by an email stating that she wished to see her brother and did not have long to life. I have received many pictures of this reunion from his daughter.
It is never to late to reach out and hug your love ones.
Madelynne
johnandmadelynne.blogspot.com |
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Diane B Carter
True Blue Farmgirl
1270 Posts
Diane
Blasdell
N.Y.
USA
1270 Posts |
Posted - May 11 2009 : 2:39:36 PM
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I was lucky. I have 3 brothers. 2 who drink way to much, but 3 that I love very much and I know they love me. Everyone askes did you fight with your brothers? I don't remember ever fighting with them, we just were not allowed to fight. My oldest brother lives in N.C. and my other 2 live with in 60 miles of me. The two older ones have beards down to thier bellys, I thought they would scare my grandson but they just tucked the beards over their face and put thier hat on and let Gio pull of the hat. He just loved it and them.
My own 2 sons can't stand each other most of the time. But they also weren't allowed to fight so they kept their distance until the one got mixed up into drugs and it made the other one so mad they had a big fight. Now drugs are no longer a problem but they still aren't real close. They just act like they love each other when I'm around.
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
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Ronna
True Blue Farmgirl
1891 Posts
Ronna
Fernley
NV
USA
1891 Posts |
Posted - May 11 2009 : 5:41:35 PM
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Wonderful story Madelynne. How great that they were able to reconnect after so many years. In years past, families sometimes lost contact with each other. Weren't the capabilities to find someone like we have now. My FIL's father went off to find work in the 20's and was never heard from again. Maybe someday I'll have time to try to find out more.
My sister and I dont have much contact due to a number of personal issues. She's nearly 5 years older and I always let her be "in charge". When I finally decided it was enough, she didn't like it at all. She and mother never got along, but her actions towards the end will never be forgotten by me or my family. When I knew mother was very near death, I called my sister. Instead of coming to see her one last time, she went to stay with a friend near the cemetery in CA. We're in Nevada.
Seems there are issues in most families and it's so sad. My own two don't like each other and may never have contact again. They'll probably fight over what we leave behind, so I need to make a will and such. |
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homemom
True Blue Farmgirl
1593 Posts
Ruth
Warwick
RI
USA
1593 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2009 : 07:26:49 AM
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The state of families is so sad and difficult. My own sister is 12 years younger than I am and I have a difficult time relating to her. My family has so much drama~as many do and I say my new motto is~the less I know the better. There is alot of talking amongst members of the family about the latest thing to happen and I just don't want to be caught up in all of that. Life is too short and I have better things to do and enjoy.
I definitely agree with Corrine~start with little steps. Building bridges to connect your lives. It may take a long time but may be worth it all.
Ruth
 Living the farm life in my heart.
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Ruth
http://farmgirlinmyheart.blogspot.com |
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LauriP
True Blue Farmgirl
239 Posts
Laurianne
Hertford
North Carolina
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2009 : 09:22:01 AM
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Being the youngest in my family, I was always told how stuiped I was (couldn't get the good grades like the rest..) how ugly I was ("Man! Can't you do something with yourself??!!") and on and on.
Before my father passed away in '94, tom & I made the drive from S.C. to Calif. to see my father -- we stayed at tom's moms house, which was a total disaster, as his step-father had just had a heart attack, and literally when we walked in the door, his stoned/drugged mom said, "Whatt're you gonna do here?!" -- I could just feel the love...
So we stuck it out, an' the following day went to my middle brothers house, so he could give us a ride over to my fathers place. My brother & sister were both in the car, and at first it was pretty quiet. We made the visit to my dad fairly short, for some reason my brother had "something to do..." an' I tearfully had to say goodbye to my dad. I hadn't seen him in over 10 years, as tom was in the navy, an' since we were " just one of those military families, ya know, not all the great..." (my dad's girlfriends explaination to others about us...) so I had no idea of what to expect.
The ride back to my brothers house literally blew the lid off of whatever "good feelings" I thot I'd get from him -- he was driving down the feeway at over 80 mph, screaming at the top of his lungs at me, "You know how much I hated growing up with you?!! " And it went to He** in a handbasket from there.
My oldest brother never showed up to see us...an' after my father passed away 4 months later, I've literally never heard from my oldest or middle brother since. My sister will call every 4 years or so...she called me last fall, claiming "Your brothers want to know how you are!" -- but like my instinct told me, it was all just bs -- She claimed she'd "Write me" or email...still waiting...
There's never been anything I can do that will ever make them happy -- I've won awards..gotten a nice little degree from a pretty decent university..but I'll always be too horrid..ugly..stuiped..not at all "As cool as you need to be.." -- which is what I always heard growing up. And I got blamed some years ago, by my sister, of being the reason my middle brother is in therapy..
Go Figure...
So -- I never do well with holidays...but I darn well try to make em as good as I can for my 3 sons. Now that their adults, they understand a lot more of where my past has been horrid, so they know that we all have to stick together.
-- sorry this went on so long, but tha's my explaination. I think it'd be cool to have family that truly cared about me & tom -- but after so many years, we know it aint gonna happen.
Laurianne |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2009 : 09:32:33 AM
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Laurianne, I so feel for you and understand how things like that are *HUGS!*
Some times the best families are the ones that we choose.
Don't believe them that you are stupid or not good enough. You're a farmgirl and we accept you just as you are! Which is just fine and loveable =)
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
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LauriP
True Blue Farmgirl
239 Posts
Laurianne
Hertford
North Carolina
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2009 : 09:38:32 AM
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>> Oh Annika!! << Thank You!! Wow -- I so seldom hear any encouragement here, it's hard for me to think someone could give me some good wishes!!
I truly don' mean to complain, but our families have such a weird life...it's really been for the best that we've lived completely on the opposite side of the country from all of them. But it still hurts when the nasties come out during holidays and other times, ya know?!!
Thanks for the Farmgirl Hugs!!
Laurianne |
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Corinnelouise
True Blue Farmgirl
957 Posts
Corinne
France
957 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2009 : 10:08:20 AM
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Hey Laurianne, we all have some issues with our past and today we have to let go of them because they put us down for no good reasons.
Annika is so right, we bear with our families but we choose our friends. Look up at all the things you have been able to do, like having 3 sons and still being married after many years, this per se is already a huge accomplishment. Beeing a farmgirls you are a sister to me.
Big hugs to you and Annika, my other sister.
Corinne
Corinne
Sister # 101 |
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LauriP
True Blue Farmgirl
239 Posts
Laurianne
Hertford
North Carolina
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - May 12 2009 : 10:13:49 AM
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Oh Corinne!! Thank You --
I just am so glad I've got my Sistas!! -- Even tho I feel like I'm so worthless some days, I know that it's just from all the baggage that's been dumped on me. And some days are just suckiee, and the old hurts seem to come out of nowhere.
But what I'm really glad about, is that I'm appreciated by the Farmgirls!! Thank You!!
Laurianne |
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Mother Hen
True Blue Farmgirl
604 Posts
Cindy
Peck
ID
USA
604 Posts |
Posted - May 14 2009 : 12:34:06 AM
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Annika, (and Laurianne), My brother and I are nearly 4 yrs apart in age, I'm the oldest. You would actually think we came from entirely different families and weren't even related. I am so much closer to friends I've made over the years then I've ever been to my own brother. My brother feels and acts like he is better than my parents and me. My parents and I are more down to earth and sentimental type people, my brother is very materialistic. We don't talk much. The last time I called him was to ask him to help me "get to the right person" at the sheriff's office(my brother is a detective) because I was getting the run around trying to report someone who stole my idenity. Well he seemed very reluctant, but he called a friend on the force and I got help the very next morning. The next call I got from my brother was about 6 months later when he wanted me to write a letter to the sheriff and tell him how much help he and his friend were so that my brother could get a raise. I haven't heard from him since, that was 2 yrs ago. We live at opposite ends of the country. I've just never understood where he is coming from. We were raised by the same parents, grew up under the same roof, but we are as different as night and day.
I don't like people like him. I don't associate with people like him and I don't think that just because we are related by blood that we have to be "friends". I don't let other people belittle me the way he does, therefore I don't associate with him. He was my last resort in trying to get someone to listen to my identity theft case since it was w/i his jurisdiction and not out here where I live. (long story)
I'm just much closer to other people, my friends, and I would probably do more for them than for him. It's sad, but I don't feel it's my problem as I've tried for a long time to get along with him, but it's his actions and comments that keep us apart.
I'm not looking forward to the time when my parents leave this earth as I am named executor and he will be a real dilly to deal with I'm sure.
You ladies are not alone. He is my only sibling and we are now and probably always will be estranged. The difference is, I don't take ownership of his problems with me. I know I'm a good friend, loyal, trustworthy, and genuine. If these aren't traits he finds appealing, that's his problem, not mine.
I wish things were different, but they aren't, so I try not to cry over spilled milk in this situation. My parents and I are very close and always have been. C'est la vie.
Cindy
FARMGIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING!!!
I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Psalms 34:1 |
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LauriP
True Blue Farmgirl
239 Posts
Laurianne
Hertford
North Carolina
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - May 14 2009 : 08:57:55 AM
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~~ Cindy, you hit the nail on the head!! ~~
I haven't heard from my oldest brother since my mother passed away very unexpectedly in 1977 -- yeah, that long ago. The thing with him is he is just like your brother..my oldest brother is 6 years older than me, has always been extremely vain, conceited and self centered. I have grown to avoid those type people like the plague. I've got no idea of what his 3rd wife looks like..I was told he has, I think, 4 kids. They could stand in line (well, probably not at our local little grocery store, I'm sure it's not "good Enough..!) next to me and I wouldn't know them from boo. Same with my middle brother and my sister.
They have always told me They are just wonderful -- super cool...just the bees knees. Well --- they probably wouldn't say something "hick" like bees knees, but you get the idea. Materialistic is an understatement. My oldest brother gets himself in so deep in debt, that I know of him going "Bankrupt" at least 4 times in less than 10 years...helps to have lawyer friends, I guess.
Tom & I have always been down to earth, work with our hands, get things cheap, buy with no credit cards, and drive used cars. That is where we've always been, and always will be. There has been no word from my "family" for some time..'cept when my sister called to tell me about how wonderful her life was last fall. I told her about my mini-stroke I'd had 2 years ago, and all she said was, "huh". Yeah. They are real doozies...
I'm getting better with letting them go -- it Does make it easy that we live on the East Coast..they are California stuck. In a way I feel sorry for them, and with the economy the way it is, I know tom & I will make it, but I don' think it's lookin' too good for the rest of 'em. And its all their doing as far as overspending..being in debt to "have it all" -- Blah.
I just sit out on my front porch hammock-swing an' listen to the birds sing. The rest of 'em can be miserable all they want.
Laurianne |
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southerngirl
Farmgirl in Training
24 Posts
florida
USA
24 Posts |
Posted - May 17 2009 : 8:03:59 PM
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| I understand the difficulty in trying to connect with family. My sister and I were never close, and we are completely different. However, I started small with phone calls, just to say hi. I always tell her I love her, but the truth is I really don't know her. I have made a decision to love her, no matter what(even if she does not want to get to know me). I will always be there for her, even if it is not returned. It is hard to love someone, because we want them to love us back the way we think they should. However, because we are all made so differently the best we can do is open our hearts and hope for the best. Sometimes it is best to ignore the negative, and concentrate on the good. I truely wish you the best and hope, with time, your relationship grows. Remember roses have thorns, but we only see the flowers. |
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Family Matters: My sister and I |
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My sister and I
