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Across the Fence:  Breakthrough...  |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
 Posted - May 05 2009 : 11:13:31 AM
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Ok...so as all ya'll well know, I have gone through a lot over the past year or more. I started thinking about my life, growing up and what not and remembered a story one of my Aunties told me about 7-8 years ago. She is on pretty decent terms with my Mother and she is someone I look up to. She told me my Mother once told her I was an "oops" baby, as in I wasn't planned or expected and that she really wanted to stop at 2 kiddos and ended up with 3 and IMMEDIATELY got a tubuligation. She admitted she was unhappy with 3 kiddos and I really think this is where all the aggression from my Mother comes from. She is NOT like this at all with my sister- she is very loving, supportive, non judgemental, etc...with her but with me...she hates everything about me and has told me as much. This is not the first person I heard this story from and the 2 people who have told me have never met. Interesting breakthrough huh??? It does makes sense to me now and it is really allowing me to move forward in all of this. Just thought I would share and maybe it would help someone else.
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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RuralSuburbia
True Blue Farmgirl
251 Posts
Leslie
Northern CA
USA
251 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 11:37:24 AM
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Ahh Heather, that's just terrible. But, there comes a time in all of our lives when we realize we just don't have to give a crap anymore! I've had falling-outs with my mother (cuz I'm not the favorite child), and once I turned 40 and called her out on her remarks, we've gotten closer and the bond has been repaired as much as it can be. I love my mom more now than ever.
Just remember while moving on that as you grow and change, so will your feelings. You want to make sure that whatever you do in your life reflects what YOU want, not trying to please a woman who's made her position clear...
I'm so sorry. It hurts to hear that she's been so mean to you! You seem like such a strong chicky~~surround yourself with people who truly love ya!!
*I've got stars in my eyes and exactly $1 in my pocket!* |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 11:43:38 AM
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Ah..thanks Leslie. Honestly, I am truly over it but it's when you have those lightbulb moments, it is a great feeling!! Honestly, I don't think we will ever be close. She simply does not like me and let's me know that. I have called her on it and she just denies the whole conversation ever existed. Terrible but a blessing in disguise. I know now where I stand, in truth with her. She has a lot of issues and until she deals with them, things between us will not change. Having Charlie, I do not want him to be around a relationship like that. All I have ever done is bend over backwards, been respectful and caring for nothing back but at some point, I stopped putting my energy into all that and now she really doesn't like me. She is someone who sucks the life right out of you- always grumbling...she will be as sweet as tea to you to your face until she gets a hold of you and then it is complain and talk behind your back. I don't do well with drama and I have to protect my family first and my heart. It's all good. Lessons learned and it let's me break the cycle with my own relationships. : )
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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knittingmom
True Blue Farmgirl
665 Posts
AnneMarie
Edmonton
Alberta
Canada
665 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 11:48:53 AM
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That's sad, but now you know again that it's all about her not about you. It seems that you have surounded yourself with loving people, good.
I'm sad for her that she didn't see you as the gift you are and that you were created for a reason.
It sounds as though your mom needs to have a lot healed in her life but that is for her to do,nobody else can and she can't keep being the "victim".
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 11:52:04 AM
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My Auntie that I mentioned is another one of my heroes. She left her native country at 16 to marry a military man and move to the U.S. She never saw her mother again, only corresponded by mail up until her mother died at 84. Her mother resented her for having a life and moving away for something better. She modeled a bit,,,didn't speak a lick of English, learned how to drive and do just about everything...She told me she would save her money just to buy a pretty dress and cosmetics were something she loves...My auntie surrounded herself in such a truly glamorous life---she looks like a 1940's Lana Turner and dresses so elegantly. Her house is pure sophistication and glamour and I love it and her. Since my mom never taught me to be a girl...like putting on makeup or how to choose clothes,....she stepped in where she could. I only saw her 2-3 times a year. This picture is exactly what my Auntie looks like to this day...she could be her twin.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Lana_Turner_in_The_Postman_Always_Rings_Twice_trailer.jpg
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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Diane B Carter
True Blue Farmgirl
1270 Posts
Diane
Blasdell
N.Y.
USA
1270 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 12:19:48 PM
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That is sad, My mom and I were never real close,one day I came home and as usual started supper and I opened a can of peas. My brother complained saying he hated peas. Mom yelled at me and said why did you make them? I replyed why did you buy them? That was the last time I ever spoke back to my mom. In the past few years we have growen closer. She started going to church with me over the past few years. I love her and we get along ok now but I always felt shortchanged somehow. She's been my neighbor for 25 years. That had it's good and bad points. She met me everyday when I came home from work, she always looked through my mail and she used to sweep my floor and say don't you ever sweep your floors? I said no I thought you liked to do it. Now I just grin and bear it. I love her and in her way I know she loves me. I'm sure your mom loves you too, she's just not sure how to show it.
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
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Prairie Princess
True Blue Farmgirl
1075 Posts
Jodi
Washington
USA
1075 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 12:47:35 PM
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Heather, I found out from my father...after they had divorced and mum had kicked me out...that I was an unplanned baby. They'd been married less than a year when she got pregnant, and I guess the marriage wasn't faring well. But my dad decided to stick it out when I came along, the responsible thing, ya know...so when I learned that...the huge role I played...as an unplanned baby...in my parent's early years of marriage...I think that DOES explain a lot about how my mother treated me. I'm glad your breakthrough is helping you move forward...I'm still not sure what that knowledge should change for me....in how I relate to her, where I take my relationship with her, etc.
~Jodi
"Women are like teabags...you never know how strong they are until they get into hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt
www.jodielyzabeth.blogspot.com |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 12:59:34 PM
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For me, it's about all the hostility and never being good enough and always like she didn't have the time for me...it all makes sense now to me. Granted...my father is no easy person AT ALL to get along with...he was downright miserable...so that is factored in too. My relationship is my door is open but she needs to chose to walk through. I can do no more. I spent 14 years trying to do it all with nothing in return...so I am moving forward. My mother holds deep deep deep grudges on people and I think I was just another on her list. I could tell from a very young age she liked my sister better...so did a lot of other people..it was that obvious. The FEW times...we are talking less than a handful...when there was a glimmer of pride from my Mom..and I mean SMALL glimmer...my sister would get all offended and call me a brat because the limelight was off her for 1 second out of millions of hours in my lifetime. I know when I joined the military, it just about pushed her over the edge. I was getting Thanked and congratulated left and right and she had a meltdown on my first visit home at Christmas time, after bootcamp. I am not a "showy" person..I do what I want because I love to do it...period. There were 2 huge hissy fits and then she just had to get engaged that week just because...again...competition. She is so much like my mother and that is why they get along. I cannot believe for the life of me a mother liking a child better than another and even so...taking it as far as my mother has to now just ignore me and pretend I do not exist. Yes...it will be sad the day my parents pass away but honestly, I have felt like an orphan for many years now, I so can't relate to them and I don't get it. I know many people can't grasp this type of relationship and I really don't need them too but alot of people are judgemental, saying that I need to do the right thing. Until you have walked a mile in my combat boots... don't judge...that is what I tell them.
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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bohemiangel
True Blue Farmgirl
2087 Posts
Bridget
Ligonier
pa
USA
2087 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 1:12:25 PM
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wow, I don't relate to this. I keep thinking how it reminded me of the secret life of bees. I'm so sorry! My mother has always loved me, now my father that's a different story. I think a mothers love is so important, almost more so than a fathers. He could care less what happens to me, always has. Just remember you have a purpose here and to keep looking forward! I think you have done amazing things with your life Heather!!! :)
**~~Farmgirl Sister #60~~**
"... to thine ownself be true."
http://liggybitsandpieces.blogspot.com/
http://ligonierliving.blogspot.com/
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 4:30:29 PM
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How sad, Heather. My son wasn't planned, but that wasn't his fault. I have always said he was a suprise. I even corrected him once when he called himself an accident. I also tease him that there are lots of days he is a much bigger blessing than others!
I can't relate to your Mom, as I have a great relationship with mine. Just rejoice in your aunty. That is one of those God-shuts-the-door-but-opens-a-window type of things.
and your right. The ball is in your Mom's court, it is up to her if she wants to play.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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Mumof3
True Blue Farmgirl
3890 Posts
Karin
Ellenwood
GA
USA
3890 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 4:57:06 PM
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Heather- I'm afraid I will be the dissenting voice here. It seems that while you say that you have left a door for your mother and your family open, your other posts show the opposite is true. You have cut them off, divorced them as you stated.
I think that family dynamics in the best of situations can be dodgy. I have never met a perfect family and don't anticipate that I will anytime soon. The problem with airing this type of situation is that it is only one point of view. While we can champion you for taking the bold stand to free yourself from your family and the hurt you have experienced, there is still another voice out there that cannot defend itself. "You cannot slice a piece of cheese so thin it does not have two sides" is a saying that comes to mind.
In trying to validate yourself you have put us in the position to judge your mother. Is that fair? We don't know her, we don't know what makes her tick, we don't know what she has experienced in her life. We can't know that. Her voice is silent.
I hope that you can find a place where you truly feel whole. Where you can put the hurt behind you and build a better relationship with your mother for your sake. Forgiveness is a powerful thing, not for the forgiven but for the forgiver. You deserve that kind of peace in your life.
Karin
Farmgirl Sister
# 18 :)
www.perfectlittlemiracle.blogspot.com
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Edited by - Mumof3 on May 05 2009 4:58:22 PM |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 5:02:09 PM
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Everything is taken with a grain of salt...like I said...until you walk a mile in someone's shoes...but this IS about me...and no...I will not validate her feelings...it is a horrible life I have lived and I was only trying to help myself through this ...again...I admit I am feeling a little judged right now...this was just something I thought I could share without feeling judged and this is my place of comfort...so I will now be quiet about this...for I cannot explain it right in writing...it doesn't come out the right way... It is cruel and mental abuse I have been through with my Mother, so yes, I will judge her...I have earned that right,,,just like any other abuse ...maybe I have said too much...I will move on...
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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Edited by - catscharm74 on May 05 2009 5:05:50 PM |
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Prairie Princess
True Blue Farmgirl
1075 Posts
Jodi
Washington
USA
1075 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 5:16:55 PM
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No two situations are precisely the same, Heather...so I'm not going to claim to know exactly how you feel. But I can empathize to a great degree, and give you kudos for standing up for yourself. Karin mentioned building a better relationship with your mother through forgiveness, but I recognize that sometimes...though you may forgive...a relationship is not in order. You need to do what you need to do...for your mental and emotional well being. You are taking care of yourself, and that is something to be proud of. Don't second guess yourself, and know not all of us are passing judgement here. ;)
~Jodi
"Women are like teabags...you never know how strong they are until they get into hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt
www.jodielyzabeth.blogspot.com |
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SuzieQ
True Blue Farmgirl
175 Posts
Suzie
Texas
USA
175 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 7:30:27 PM
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| Heather, There are more people out in the world that do not know how the dysfunctional families are and how cruel they can be. It is sad when someone has to wait until they are married to know what true real love is. We have learned how not to treat our children and teach them that they are loved and will always be loved no matter what they do in their lives. It is sad that love in some families comes conditional. Focus on your now family and love them unconditionally. |
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Miss2Missus
True Blue Farmgirl
407 Posts
Karen
Asheville
NC
USA
407 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2009 : 7:43:09 PM
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I'm sorry to hear that Heather. I think it's easier to deal with now because you realize that it's all in her head and that you no longer have to try to please her or smooth things out because i don't think she will ever let that happen. It's sad when mothers don't take on their responsiblity because it ends up being a ripple in the pond.
I think in part though that this is a good lesson in not overly planning out your life and taking things as they come. To her it seems like you screwed up the time line, and in some cases i can understand how that would make you feel seeing as i am also an "oops" baby.
those little light bulb moments are wonderful aren't they? one little thing just lets everything else fall into place.
:HUGS:
Karen ^_^
http://apple-and-eve.blogspot.com/ |
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River
Farmgirl in Training
17 Posts
Jean
Stockdalet
Texas
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - May 06 2009 : 06:21:10 AM
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Wow ....I never really got along with my mom either. She would say it was cause we were so much alike. But I never saw it.(shes gone now *sniff*) But when I was very very young I remember my Mom being very sad and crying and I felt I did something wrong(at time I had German measles). When I tried to hug her she put up walls I guess you could say... as young as I was I knew I had some how hurt my Mom. After I was Married and had children of my own I found out at the time she became pregnant and because I was sick my Mom was told she had to have an abortion. I understood her better after that.
But remember I think all of Us Moms do the best we can with what we have ...past life experiences with our own Moms Dads everyone we came in contact with...Life is to short to be upset all the time...find the good and hold on to it put the crap in the trash kick it to the curb.Don't hold on to it...And BREATH! <<<HUGS>>> |
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createmyworld
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
Beth
Akron
PA
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - May 06 2009 : 06:24:40 AM
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Oh Heather, I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship problems with your mom! It certainly does make sense though, the way you have reasoned it out. As someone who has wanted a child but never be able to, I just can't understand someone who has one and doesn't appreciate the gift. Just remember that you are a gift whether everyone in your life sees that or not! :) ((Hugs))
www.createmyworld.etsy.com
"He who works with his hands is a laborer, he who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman, he who works with his hands, head and heart is an artist." -St. Francis of Asisi |
Edited by - createmyworld on May 06 2009 06:25:47 AM |
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Tn.Earthmama
True Blue Farmgirl
451 Posts
Phyllis
Englewood
Tennessee
451 Posts |
Posted - May 06 2009 : 10:01:47 AM
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Dear Heather, I'm so sorry that your life was so difficult with your Mom. I can relate believe me. You are right to stand up for yourself, and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your family.
understanding why you Mom acts as she does makes it easier to understand and forgive, HOWEVER, that does not change it's effect on you. I know my parents were abusive because they were abused. I was eventually able to forgive them, not condone what they did, not forget, but able to let go of the anger and get on with my life.
sounds like you are getting on with yours. good for you!!! take care and be kind to yourself, you deserve it. hugs Phyllis |
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KayB
True Blue Farmgirl
540 Posts
Kay
Del City
Oklahoma
USA
540 Posts |
Posted - May 06 2009 : 11:08:49 AM
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Got a good one for you - a very vivid memory just before my 4th birthday of my mom saying, "I wanted a boy first and got her instead". For generations the first born has always been a girl, so she was surprised? Any way, she always told the story of wanting a big brother when she was growing up so that is why she wanted a boy first. The funny thing is, the brother right after me (11 months) is so GAY!!! And Mom adored him. Anyway, 2 more brothers came along and then when I was 10, I got a sister and then another when I was almost 12 (from her 2nd marriage). I was always good for scut work and that was about it. The boys would need to go to college, but I just needed to get married and have kids - where I also disappointed her because I didn't get married until I was 20 (that didn't work out) and was 22 before I had a kiddle. I was told later that although the boys didn't want to go to college, my sisters would need to so that they could get along in this world. HELLOOOOO???!?!?!?!?! I just never understood it. And then I was told I could only be a teacher, secretary, or teacher - not a doctor.
When I was active duty and would come home on leave and mom and dad would ask my late hubby and I if we could do this or that around the house. Well, wanting to please my mom of course I would say yes. I would work on her car or her house or whatever. Then she would say how she was going to grab Steve and the girls and go shopping while I was doing that. Then she wondered why I would get upset. When she had foot surgery, I was on 30 days leave while moving to another duty station and we waited on her hand and foot because she could put weight on her foot and couldn't walk on crutches. When we left, she was crying and the hubby was telling me how she was crying because she would miss us being gone for 3 years. I told him, nope, it's because we wouldn't be around to wait on her hand and foot.
When we got back, Steve was living with them and once again could do no wrong. When mom died, the only thing that bothered me was that we never resolved anything. I always felt like she didn't want me around except to do the heavy work. But then again, I am the healthiest person in the family and I'm in my mid-50s.
So, honey, don't feel bad. Some of these moms, what can I say? I always tried the "they were so young" 'cause mom was only 19 and my father only 20 when I was born. But they weren't raised to beat on their kids and treat them the way they treated us. I don't believe being a mom just comes to you. I can tell you I never said the things to my kids that my folks said to me and I never raised a hand to any of them. My 34-hear-old will tell you that she can count on one hand how many times I physically discipline her.
It'll be okay. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger - got that from Grandma.
KayB
Life's a dance you learn as you go |
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - May 06 2009 : 4:04:49 PM
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My mother-in-law seems to view my husband the same way as yours does to you, Heather. She has stated to me and others that he only wanted two children and was so depressed throughout her third (and last!) pregnancy because it "was a mistake". She treats my husband like he is dumb and is constanting saying wonderful things about her other two children when my husband seems to be doing much better for himself then the other two! My husband hates the way he is treated but often just keeps it to himself and we only see her once a year or so and he can handle that.
But while my husband gets angry sometimes about it he also looks at her situation. She was in a foster home while growing up, she lost her husband when she had three small children, she helped raise her five brother-in-laws, etc. Things in our life do affect us and make us who we are. You said your dad was not an easy man to life with and your mom was not happy being a stay-at-home mom. While she should never mistreat a child or favor one above another is there a way you can understand that something in her life has made her the way she is? If that can help you get over some anger (because the anger is just hurting you, not her) maybe you can learn to forgive. Forgive and forget are two different things. She doesn't have to be a part of your life, but maybe you can put parts of your life behind you, which will be better for you.
-Elizabeth |
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Across the Fence: Breakthrough... |
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Breakthrough...
