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Family Matters:  Aging Parent  |
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mulegirl
True Blue Farmgirl
184 Posts
rosemary
cottonwood pass
co
USA
184 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 24 2009 : 8:30:29 PM
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Does anyone have a parent that is getting up in years and is mentally turning into a child?
My mom is 92 an stilllives alone, only because my 58 year old sister lives next doorand checks on her every day, takes her to drappointments and such, but more and more Mom is arguing with every rational thing my wonderful sister tries to help her with. Just as an example Mom will go out and pull weeds for afewhours, and have a sore back for a week. My sister will ask her not to dothis and Mom will, just like child, say"I'll do what I want!" We want her to be happy and healthy for as long as possible, living in her house, but she makes it so hard and it is such a strain on my sister. Any advice?
smile, follow your heart and don't look back
http://web.mac.com/rosemaryart |
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mulegirl
True Blue Farmgirl
184 Posts
rosemary
cottonwood pass
co
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2009 : 06:33:40 AM
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The latest delima is my sister took Mom to the doctor for a suspicious spot on her face and the doctor said it's probably nothing and would like to remove the spot, in three minutes but Mom was adament she did not want this done and would not let the doctor remove the potentially malignent spot. She just couldn't be reasoned with. She challanges everyone, her doctors, her neighbors, she won't go tochurch anymore. Does anyone have an elderly parent who is loosing their common sense? Do they take any medication? We really want Mom to be able to stay in her house as she wants, but she is loosing the ability to make good judgements. It breaks my heart.
smile, follow your heart and don't look back
http://web.mac.com/rosemaryart |
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MissDana
True Blue Farmgirl
348 Posts
Dana
Carrollton
Georgia
USA
348 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2009 : 07:53:24 AM
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Oh, Rosemary! YES I have one too! Except I'm the one dealing with her on a regular basis. Can't balance her check book, but won't let me do it. She doesn't want me to see what she spends her money on. Then there are the credit cards! With a tv and a phone, she can buy all sorts of stuff! She has big balances on her credit cards - she gives them to my sister and niece and they run up the balance to the limit and it falls on my mom to pay. She is 76 and in terrible health and can barely walk due to ignoring diabetes for 36 years and also congestive heart failure and extensive blockages through out her body. I tried moving in (with my daughter-leaving my poor husband to fend for himself!)for a month to see what is really going on. She hates anyone being around! I came to the conclusion that as long as she refuses to move into an assisted facility and refuses to do what is needed for her health, I must not let it take a physical toll on me. I have stopped nagging and treating her like she was my child. It is a relief on some small level. The frustration is all-encompassing, but the woman cusses like a sailor and I won't take the abuse. I have no help from my sister and I just watch and do damage control when I can.
I am that sandwich generation - dealing with children at home AND an elderly parent!
If only I drank! LOL!!
Proud Farmgirl Sister # 267
www.schultztroupe.wordpress.com
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peggysue
True Blue Farmgirl
267 Posts
Peggy
Tulsa
Oklahoma
267 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2009 : 09:16:18 AM
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been there.. done that.. i took care of my dad until his health declined so much his doctor put him into a nursing facility, then i went to work at the same home and took care of him there.. he was an 82 year old toddler....very opinionated and very stubborn. if he didn't want to cooperate he became very violent.. none of his own family would step up to help me, just go to his house and help themselves to his things while he was in the hospital. i am sending a huge hug and some serious prayers your way.
visit me at my blog
mousiesmom.wordpress.com
http://youravon.com/pmcclure |
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Corinnelouise
True Blue Farmgirl
957 Posts
Corinne
France
957 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2009 : 10:15:37 AM
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Rosemary, I am with you. We moved back to France to help with my parents, 87 and 84 and my aunt living in a separate ailse of the house who is 95 and needs attention almost by the hour. She is very stubborn too and can tell me that she never obeyed in her life and isn't going to start now. We have trouble getting her to eat (she spit most of her food but denies it), most of the afternoon I found her already in her night clothes or getting into them while a nurse comes morning and evening to do this and help with shower and drops in the eyes.
I am disheartened to see all the challenges an ancient person has to go through and how diminished their minds become.
I feel impatient some days and angry because I worry for her and I have no means to force her to eat. And then remorse hits full blast because I would like to be more understanding of something I have no idea of, more generous and patient. so every night when I tuck her in, I say a true "I love you" and she smiles.
Take it one day at the time, touch her hand, her face look her up in the eyes, bring a few flowrs from the garden that she can smell or touch and keep praying that her soul finds the best way for her. It is what I do every single day and I hope ti makes a difference.
Corinne
Sister # 101 |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2009 : 10:18:29 AM
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Been there, done that too. My mom suffered from severe aggressive dementia. Aggressive towards me, her sole 24/7 care taker. I lived at home and was the only person around to take care of her. It was very very difficult to say the least.
She was also wheelchair bound, couldn't walk or take care of herself. Couldn't use the phone, nor balance her account but didn't trust me. ETC ETC ETC Too much to mention :(
Sending hugs and prayers your way
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2009 : 1:05:26 PM
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You have my sympathies as well. I took care of my mom - through oxygen tanks, slipping memory, near blindness, congestive heart failure the whole nine yards. She really went south mentally and became a target for someone to take over her financial and medical arrangements "as a help to me". In the end this person convinced her to change her will and give them her medical POA. In the end, they fired her doctor so she didn't get her regular meds and that killed her. Then they took over running her estate. It was a huge mess. This state has good samaritan laws so it's really difficult to stop someone like that. I know of at least four others they did the same thing to. Please pay attention. You have my prayers.
Sheri |
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mulegirl
True Blue Farmgirl
184 Posts
rosemary
cottonwood pass
co
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2009 : 5:10:13 PM
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Thank you, all of you. You really think you are the only one with a difficult parent. I remember when Grandma came to like with us whe she got old. We loved having her and she was sweet and kindand grateful for being with us. But not Mom, she is less and less grateful for much these days. It is like she is paronoid "her kids are scheming behind her back". Yes, to figure how to helpher, but she doesn't get it. I love Corrine's suggestions to give her flowers and hold her hands. I loved holding Grandma's soft translucent hands and seeing her cloudy eyes twinkel. I go home when I can, as I live in Colorado and Mom is in Pennsylvania with my brother and sister both close to her (my sister is next door and the reason Mom isn't in assisted living). It really makes me hope I will try to be kind and grateful for whatever care I will have when I'm old, Even better, everyday we should be grateful for everyone. I'm grateful for my online sisters!
You are all so wonderful and strong and thoughtful!
I just pray my Mom can enjoy life to the end and not go out angry and confused.
smile, follow your heart and don't look back
http://web.mac.com/rosemaryart |
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SuzieQ
True Blue Farmgirl
175 Posts
Suzie
Texas
USA
175 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2009 : 8:28:17 PM
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Everyone,
You need to get durable power of attorney for medical and financial over your parents. If you feel that they have the beginning of dementia and refuse see if you can take them to their doctor for a check up. If the doctor writes in the chart early stage dementia or just dementia then you can file to have you become their guardian. This protects you and them. It is harder for them to prove that they are not compentent. It seems harsh, but I have seen many many elderly people being conned/abused financially. Please I understand how hard this will be - been there and done that, but I know you love them and they can not understand it is for the best. good luck to you all. We are the generation who are having to do this and it hurts our hearts. |
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mulegirl
True Blue Farmgirl
184 Posts
rosemary
cottonwood pass
co
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2009 : 08:13:54 AM
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Suzie,
Do you have an aging parent? We do have power of attorney, my brother, sister and I, over our Mother. My siblings are wonderful, especially the sister who lives next to Mom.
My brother set up a seperate account, Mom isn't aware of, to pay for things like getting the lawn mowed and repairs, stuff that ignite Mom so we just tell her we paid for work done. Mom thinks it is fare to give a kid $1 to mow for two hours!
I guess my brother,sister and I must realize the common sense in Mom is never coming back, and we have to give her a pretend sense of controll and get her mind off things that upset her. She sure does like to tell stories of when she was a kid.
It's funny how so much of what she remembers has changed. Like she tells a story of when her dad died (at 86) "some men came and took his favorite horse away" Well his horse went away about 30 years before he died, but she will argue she is right till the cows come home that her version is right. Wonder why our brains do this? I keep a journel and I wonder what I'll remember that won't seem true!?
I hope I'm full of love and joy till the day I die.
Rosemary
smile, follow your heart and don't look back
http://web.mac.com/rosemaryart |
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NudeFoodFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
433 Posts
Heide
Benton City
WA
433 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2009 : 08:51:36 AM
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Well, this topic is very sore for me. I am crying as I read this thread. I just lost my mom in Jan from ALS, which is a nightmare disease. She lost the use of her mind and body before she died. She had to completely trust our decisions, which was a scary thing in itself. She was a beautiful, loving woman but between the disease, meds and reality that she was dying, she did not want to lose her independance any faster than had too. She fought us on everything, increasingly so the more sick she got, it was her only control. I wlll never forget taking her keys away from her. She wouldn't fallow her meds schedule. We had hospice come and help (her dying wish was not to be put in a home) but she was so difficult. This winter it was sub zero (my mom's favorite season is winter, she loves the snow, and thought she would never live to see another winter) there was a huge snow storm and at 3 am my mom thought it was a good idea to go outside in the snowstorm to feel it snow. Our neighbor is a cop returning home from his shift and saw her outside. HE threatened us with abuse charges if it ever happened again. We didn't know what to do, she did what she wanted so technically she should be in a home with 24 hour care, but it wasn't what she wanted. So we stuck it out and struggled like I have never struggle to please the dying woman who birthed me and raised me to give her the daying days she wanted. Eventually she had to be moved into the Hospice house (where she died within a week) because she could no longer swallow.
Ok I don't mean to share all these horrid details. But I wanted to share that the only peace I have now, is knowing I did the very best I could and I made all the sacerfices my husband and I could, to give my mother the best "birth to the other side" as we could manage. My sibs were "too busy" making their careers so most of it all fell on my husband and I.
So my advise to you is you do EVERYTHING you can to help your sibs and mom get through this. Because she will die (as we all) and all you are left with is the sentiment of what you were capable of in a time where your mother is becoming defenseless and dying.
I mean all this to be helpful and I truely wish the very best for you and your family. May you find the right answers in one of the hardest times in your families life together.
Best,
Heide
Nude Food Farm
~Grown so good,
Dressing is Optional. |
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2009 : 10:37:42 AM
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Make sure the dementia is documented - especially if she is making noises about not trusting you. I did have the POA but the people who latched on to her played into her paranoia and convinced her I was stealing from her. She rescinded the POA so be careful. I only lived two houses up the road from her. I saw her every day and talked to her on the phone about 10+ times per day. It broke my heart as we had always been very close. I know how hard it is to see your mom turn into someone you don't know. All you can do is give her all the love and patience you have and cry when you get home. I too wish only the best for you and your family.
Sheri |
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LauriP
True Blue Farmgirl
239 Posts
Laurianne
Hertford
North Carolina
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2009 : 2:07:27 PM
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I helped out with toms grandmother, mainly because no other people in his family wanted to..she was sharing some property with his uncle, but he didn't want to take on the cleaning and was always irritated taking her to the store.
So here I was with an infant, and driving out to the farm to do her chores, watch my 2 kids, and keep granny from doin' something crazy. she started to have small fainting spells, which eventually were diagnosed as small strokes.
The fall of the 2nd year with dealing with her, she moved back to Calif. -- tom was in the navy, so we were relocated to Conn. -- once granny got into the other uncles house, the uncle and aunt called me, to ask me if I wanted to come to Calif. to continue taking care of granny..
What??!!
I obviously declined, and they put her into an assisted living center. She slowly become dilusional and before she passed awy, told everybody she had a new boyfriend, and they were going to get married...
She was a wonderful woman when she had her facilities, but once they started to go, it was so sad to see how the family reacted to it all...
laurianne |
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mulegirl
True Blue Farmgirl
184 Posts
rosemary
cottonwood pass
co
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2009 : 3:18:12 PM
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Oh Heide, I am so sorry about your mother. It is so hard. I sure can't figure why some people have to go thru such difficult times. I really appreciate everyone sharing their thoughts and stories. My Mom was, and she still is, don't get me wrong, a very kind person, I just don't get what happens that some stay sweet and loving, like my Aunt did, clear as a bell till the day she passed, Grandma was, too, but had alzheimers at the end, but her sweetness shined thru. I'd visit her at the home and took my dog since all the people so loved to pet her and tell me their dog stories. It would takeme an hour just to get to Grandma's room!, But where does the distrust and it really is a fear of loosing some sort of power, come from? Wouldn't you want your kids to take care of you when you're old? Why are they afraid? My brother and sister and I have never done anything but try to provide a good safe place for Mom in her home of 50 some years. She tells the neighbors we are taking her stuff and we want to tell her how to live her life. These things are't true. We'd do anything for her. She just gets madder and madder at everybody and everything. Bioy was she livid when the keys were taken this year at 92! and Mom refuses to acknowledge that was right. She keeps saying she never had an accident. We try to explain the rule isn't you get to drive till you crash! We all decided WE would have felt responsible if she had an accident. Thanks agin for all your support. We just have to love them extra and ignor what seems like intentional meanness, and know that is not their soul, it is fear taking over them.
rosemary
smile, follow your heart and don't look back
http://web.mac.com/rosemaryart |
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a rose
True Blue Farmgirl
443 Posts
Linda
Waterford
NY
USA
443 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2009 : 4:19:41 PM
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I am 65 and have been dealing with cancer for over a year. Do I want to be a burden to my children? NO..... but I was there when they were babes and I was there when their children needed me. To me we are a family unit and my children should be there when their Dad and I need them. It is a part of life, the kind of life God meant it to be. When my 2nd child Lisa was diagnosed with cancer in 1995 after having her last child I made a point to take care of her and her family. I wouldn't have it any other way. It was tough but with the Grace of God we all got through it and she died a peaceful death. I don't go the "what about me" rather it be " We will do it by the Grace of God"
Linda (a rose)
Remember me as a rose. |
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Diane B Carter
True Blue Farmgirl
1270 Posts
Diane
Blasdell
N.Y.
USA
1270 Posts |
Posted - Apr 29 2009 : 10:02:28 AM
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My mom and I took care of my gramma for almost 20 years. She fell out of bed and broke her wrist. I was at work, when I came home and found my mom crying saying she couldn't take it any more I really thought Oh dear she killed her. I had to ask her 3 times where gramma was before she could say she's in the hospital she broke her wrist. My gramma did not want to go to a nursing home but there was no way I could let my mom watch her while I was at work and I had a family of my own. The dr said she needs a nursing home so we found a small one a few towns over and after a few weeks she loved it. She lived another 10 years and everyday my mom or I went to visit. On nice days I would take her for ice cream and she would have it melt on her and have choclate on her face. She would end the ride with you better take me back the nurses will miss me if I'm gone to long and don't tell them about the ice cream. In the end my mom, and I cherished every day with her instead of dreading it.
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
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Aunt Clemys Farm Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
157 Posts
Linda
MA
USA
157 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2009 : 09:03:38 AM
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edited by Aunt Clemys Farm Girl
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Edited by - Aunt Clemys Farm Girl on Aug 29 2009 1:08:52 PM |
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Family Matters: Aging Parent |
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Aging Parent
