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Across the Fence:  Any other widow's out there?  |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 08 2009 : 8:22:25 PM
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My hubby just past away on Dec. 14th. He was 51. He had Melanoma, it was in he liver and lungs. We found out in August that it was back. He orginally found out he had it May of '07. I have 3 girls, the older two are married, the youngest is 17. This has been an awful time, especially for Christmas. I know he is with the Lord, we will see him again, but oh how I miss him. So much surrounds me that brings him to mind. I have been very weepy today. I have spent the past 3 days making 'business' phone calls, and plowing through paperwork. I haven't really had time alone as there has been family and the daily grind of life. I would love to hear from others that understand the emptiness of losing your very heart. How are you coping...
For tomorrow and its needs I do not pray, but keep me, guide me, love me, Lord just for today.
St. Augustine |
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Laura Marie
True Blue Farmgirl
419 Posts
Laura
Rancho Cordova
California
USA
419 Posts |
Posted - Jan 08 2009 : 8:26:20 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear about your loss Julia. I'm sure this isn't an easy time. You are with me in my thoughts and I'm sure you will find some comfort here amongst other Farm Girls.
Farm Girl Hugs!
Laura Marie #369
www.lauramariedesign.com
"It's not the size of the farm but the size of your heart!" |
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K-Falls Farmgirl
Chapter Leader
2096 Posts
Cheryl
Klamath Falls
Oregon
USA
2096 Posts |
Posted - Jan 08 2009 : 9:28:07 PM
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Julia, The void you feel is a biggie, I am sorry for your loss.. Take the time you need to mourn his passing, The friends you meet here will be a strength for you. I am sure you will find another farmgirl who can relate to your feelings in this time of darkness. ((( hugs))) Take it one day at a time..
http://www.k-fallsfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
Come visit the barn at http://barndoorcreations.blogspot.com/
Cheryl
Farmgirl #309
"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." Maya Angelou |
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SandyJ
Farmgirl in Training
19 Posts
Sandra
Waitsburg
WA
USA
19 Posts |
Posted - Jan 08 2009 : 9:41:12 PM
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I am a widow of six years. We had been married 34 years but he was only 53 when he died. Right now just do what you have and keep putting one foot in front of the other. My heart aches for your loss, but it will get easier at a future time. Remember one foot in front of the other but don't get upset if you happen to go one step forward and two steps back. It's like that.
You have my love and any support I can be.
sandyj |
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gramax18
True Blue Farmgirl
106 Posts
Elinor
meeker
Colorado
USA
106 Posts |
Posted - Jan 08 2009 : 9:45:16 PM
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Julia, I am also a widow. My husband of 43 years passed away almost 11 years ago. I know that there will be times that will be very hard for you but trust the Lord and He will carry you through those times.
You can email me if you wish.
Thinking of you!
Elinor |
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2009 : 12:42:18 AM
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My husband was killed in a car accident 18 years ago Thanksgiving at age 34. I know how hard it is to keep going, especially at the holidays. I know what it's like to feel like you are seeing everything through a bubble - the numbness and the difficulty of wading through all the paper work, the funeral etc. I think that grief is one of the most intense experiences we go through as human beings. When he died, we had a cabinet shop and did custom kitchens and refacing so I had to start running the shop/sales/employee part of the business when all I did before was the books. Our kids were 3 and 8. One thing that really helped me the first few months, was that I wrote to him everyday. I still have those letters in one of those hard bound empty book journals. I poured out my heart unchecked on those pages, was able to say what I really felt without anyone giving me their input or platitudes. I know that your heart is on the ground right now but I can say this with certainty ---You will get through this. You will heal your broken heart. It will not be easy. Time and distance are the great healers on this one. Talk about him to your kids. Remember all the good times - tell stories about your lives together. Take care of yourself, nurture yourself, breathe. At times of great stress it's easy to forget to care about yourself but it's essential to stay balanced and as focused as you can be to get through the details.
My heart goes out to you and your daughters. Feel free to email me if you wish.
Sheri
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jennym
True Blue Farmgirl
76 Posts
Jenny
Green Lane
PA
USA
76 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2009 : 05:42:59 AM
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Julia-
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going thru right now. Know that my prayers are and will be with you.
Jenny
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10 |
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2009 : 06:10:03 AM
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Julia - I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Sending prayers your way. My father passed away when I was 19 and I watched my mother grieve, and I know how hard it is. Keep praying even when you do not feel like it. Hugs to you.
Farmgirl Sister # 31
www.blueskyjeannie.blogspot.com
Psalm 51: 10-13 |
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kmbrown
True Blue Farmgirl
459 Posts
Misty
Waynesboro
Pennsylvania
USA
459 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2009 : 2:10:17 PM
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Julia,
Could you e-mail me your address? My prayers are with you. |
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Marybeth
True Blue Farmgirl
6418 Posts
Mary Beth
Stanwood
Wa 98292
USA
6418 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2009 : 4:23:58 PM
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Julie, My husband died November 2007, so it has been just over one year now. Funny I nev er figured I would be telling anyone anything. I do have one piece of advice---just talk about him alot. I think I talk more about him now than I did when he was alive. I remember good times and silly things we did and the fun we had. I don't idolize him or anything because I remember the dumb stuff too. I have 4 grown daughters and 4 grandchildren and we all lapse into 'remember whens' every now and again. Life moves on and you have to go with it. My dad died when I was a kid and I remember how my mother handled that and admire her. So I learned a lot. Take care. MaryBeth
http://www.smallcityscenes.blogspot.com
www.strawberryhillsfarm.blogspot.com
www.day4plus.blogspot.com www.holyhouses-day4plus.blogspot.com
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!" |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2009 : 4:25:06 PM
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Thanks girls. Today has been really hard, I have been very weepy all day. This has been the first quiet day I have had since Dale died. So much busyness. The vastness of all the emotions, the weariness of body, the thick foggy mind. The Lord has been soooo faithful to us during this time, the only thing that has gotten us through.
Thanks for the prayers and hugs, they are appreciated and felt.
Marybeth, I like your tagline. There definitly is joy in the midst of the difficult.
For tomorrow and its needs I do not pray, but keep me, guide me, love me, Lord just for today.
St. Augustine |
Edited by - Julia on Jan 09 2009 4:27:37 PM |
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2009 : 4:30:46 PM
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When my dad died....it was the night after the funeral. The family was around the kitchen table, and someone said mom was no longer a married woman. In defense, I said yes she was and everyone jumped on me for that. But I knew she still felt very married in her heart, and needed to feel that connection to my dad. She went to the bedroom and I followed, and I still remember her crying......so this is my thought. You feel married just as long as you want......keep that connection to him until you can safely let go. Memories are gifts.
Farmgirl Sister # 31
www.blueskyjeannie.blogspot.com
Psalm 51: 10-13 |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2009 : 5:03:25 PM
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Thanks Shirley, I really needed to hear that. A couple days ago I went to sign up at Curves. The gal there knew that Dale has passed away. As she was filling out the paperwork she wrote in 'widow' for maritel status. I cringed. Just seeing it there. I wanted to scream, 'no, I'm Mrs.'
I really apprecite your sweet words.http:
//www.maryjanesfarm.org/snitz/forum.asp?FORUM_ID=35
For tomorrow and its needs I do not pray, but keep me, guide me, love me, Lord just for today.
St. Augustine |
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grace gerber
True Blue Farmgirl
2804 Posts
grace
larkspur
colorado
USA
2804 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2009 : 9:32:48 PM
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Julia
I am very sorry for your loss and to those other lady's who responded my heart knows your pain. My husband passed Feb 19th of 1996 and no one is prepared for such a loss but I am here to say that you will always have them in your heart, memories and in the family members who are around you. My husband and I shared many years and wonder times but since his passing I have created a life that he would be proud of, raised our sons to be marvelous men and I have kept our past in my heart all these years. It is hard for folks to know what to say to us and those of us who have gone thru this do not even have to say a word - we share a bond. I am hear for you and any others who might need to talk, cry or even sit in silence. Just know you are loved, your not alone and some day you will see those who have gone on before us.
My arms are around you even when we are so far apart.
Grace Gerber
Larkspur Funny Farm and Fiber Art Studio
Where the spirits are high and the fiber is deep
http://www.larkspurfunnyfarm.etsy.com
http://larkspurfunnyfarm.blogspot.com
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2009 : 12:30:40 AM
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I always thought the word "widow" was such an ugly sounding word. I wore my wedding ring for a long time after he died and I wore his on a chain around my neck. Even after all of this time there are days I still cry and miss him. I think there was real purpose in the old time practice of a formal "period of mourning". Now everyone wants everything to be instant so we tend to gloss over the intensity of such experiences. I also think it's strange how so many people are afraid of death yet claim to believe in God and an afterlife. It was for myself that I cried and for my children, but my husband had moved on to the spiritual home that we all return to when our time comes. He was in a place of no pain, no sorrow, and infinite love. For him I rejoice for he has gone home.
I was a "closet crier" because I had employees and customers to deal with all the time. My kids once asked me if I was ever going to quit crying. But crying helps us to heal. I don't think that the tears are always symbolic of anguish but simply being "full" of so many emotions
and so many adjustments. In a blink of an eye your whole life just changed forever and with it some aspects of yourself as well. It takes time to adjust to a whole new existence.
Just know that sooner or later the daily weepy's will taper off and the bubble feeling as well. Have patience - you will get through this. My thoughts are with you.
Sheri |
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Choctaw Farm Gal
Farmgirl in Training
46 Posts
Nancy
Oklahoma
46 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2009 : 01:46:15 AM
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Dear Julia,
My prayers are with you. My humble, heartfelt advice is to do the simple things that make adjusting to your husband's passing comforting for you. Do each step on your own time,whether deciding how you want to be addressed (some women I know have kept the same listing in the local phone book for years, with both their and their husband's name together, because they knew they would never marry again and want to still be remembered in the community for the long life they shared as a couple and family.) I know others who've held onto their husband's clothing and personal things, because it offers comfort, and so many good memories of how he dressed and looked, be it a shirt he wore when they went to church together or an old sweatshirt that still holds his scent. Talking about him helps, and also remembering tender things about him that will come back to you that only going through death seems to trigger. Write, cry, and laugh. Document your feelings on paper for yourself to hold and read as the weeks and months pass. If you ache with the pain of loss, let yourself sleep a little more, eat a few more comfort foods and fold yourself up in the blanket you shared with him. His spirit will always be with you. Make or order yourself a bouquet of flowers from the flower shop - or just a single rose in a vase....fresh flowers are healing, and it is one of the easiest things to do for yourself. Take walks outside, even when you feel like your feet are too heavy with sorrow. The fresh air & Nature will take over and give you beauty to see everywhere you step. You can wear his gloves or socks or scarf when you walk if you want to. Loneliness is hard...but remember you are not alone, the love you shared with your husband is with you forever, even as your life goes on day by day. Take delight in the smallest things and smile. He would want you too. Remember secrets and jokes and special times that only he & you shared. Love is all that really matters & love is so strong that even death cannot take it away. Celebrate the love you shared and will always have because of your life with your husband, for yours was not a loveless marriage....you have three daughters born of that love. His death is not the end of your love together. Let that love be your strength still, especially when your heart seems empty or your eyes hurt from crying...and your loss feels overwhelming....just remember his love for you and yours for him. Breathe it in and be thankful that you can feel & talk about the love and life you shared. The empty feelings are not easy to bear, and being strong is not always needed. Being real is. When losing a beloved spouse, we own the experience. And it is unique to each of those left behind. Grieve and take each day's responsibilities as best you can, with the same familiarity you did when he was alive. Gently and at your pace, a pace that is right and real for you. Love yourself and love the life you shared with your husband & please know you will be in many prayers to help you make it through each hour. my best to you, Nancy
"Love your children with all your might; do for them, care for them, feed them, hold them, protect them, laugh with them, play with them, enjoy them, listen to them, surprise them with a special story, praise them, help them, teach them to do things & make things, help them understand things. Be a good example for them. Walk with them, sing with them and to them...they will remember every moment and how you made them feel when when they grow up & leave home. It is the stuff money cannot buy that really means the most to a child...your time, your love, genuinely wanting to be with them & caring for them with all your heart. |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2009 : 7:34:35 PM
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Julia, I feel like a heel. My heart just aches for your loss. You had mentioned this in another post, but I had no idea it had been such a short time ago. I'm sorry I didn't offer my ear or shoulder to you. I'm offering it now, if you need it. Though I've never been through it, I'm a really good listener. Prayers for you.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2009 : 9:31:21 PM
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Lisa, You are not a heel at all, don't worry about it. Thanks for your kindness.
I didn't want to get out of bed today, I had to as my daughter had to go to work and I wanted to see her off. I just laid there looking at the emptiness of the bed. It is still so surreal. After my daughter left I had to go to the bank, again. I told them I should get interest just for all the times I had been there this week. After that I ran some errands. I put fresh flowers on Dale's grave, the deer seem to like the flowers, to much. I cried and talked to him. I went home and had, finally, a good cried. I was glad, I just let it go. My friend called and wanted to go for a walked. So I met her by her house. She said she had a surprise for me. She took me to her husbands shop and there in one of the truck bays they had set up a spot for my daughter and I to safely smash dishes! She had gone to the thrift store and bought a bunch of dishes and glasses. She also had a box of jars. She had one of my daughters friends get her after work so we could smash together. O my! It was the most wonderful thing anyone could have done. We threw at signs she made,'insurance papers', 'answering machines', 'stupid people' 'cancer'... It was the most amazing thing. My arm is alreay sore, but O how well worth it! So, I got through another day, thanks to a very incredible, thoughtful friend!
For tomorrow and its needs I do not pray, but keep me, guide me, love me, Lord just for today.
St. Augustine |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2009 : 10:46:47 AM
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Oi! The paperwork and phone calls! My hubby was a very organized guy. He went over all the important info with me and had a list of contacts to make after he passed away. What a blessing that was, yet when you talk with one person, it seems to lead to another, and another... I am so ready for a holiday somewhere, just to hide, read, have tea, be creative, stare into space. I reckon, that will come in time. Time, a word that encompasses so much.
For tomorrow and its needs I do not pray, but keep me, guide me, love me, Lord just for today.
St. Augustine |
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Forrester Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
703 Posts
Ann
Belmont
MI
USA
703 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2009 : 11:01:34 AM
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Julia, My prayers are with you. My dad passed away 6 1/2 years ago at age 56. My mom, myself, and probably my 5 siblings, still can break into tears unexpectedly. You are right Time is a word that encompasses so much! Consider yourself hugged!
Ann
Forrester Farm
www.forresterfarm.com
www.forresterfarm.etsy.com |
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Marcy
True Blue Farmgirl
2701 Posts
Marcy
Tiverton
Rhode Island
USA
2701 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2009 : 1:35:16 PM
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I'm not a widow, but my mom was one at the age of 21. in 1967 we lost my dad when I was 20 months old. He was murdered. The man who did it had a list in his head of all of the things that he was going to get rid of that bothered him and my father was one of them! (can we say deranged)My mom loved my dad since she was 13 and he was 15 and even though she has been married twice more, she always refers to my dad as the love of her life.
I've watched how it affected my family, and of course me, and I can say that it is not easy to lose a loved one. My father was only 23 and he died so horribly. And to top it all off, as far as we know, the man who took his life only got 10 years! Fair, huh? We get life and all he get's is 10 years. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find peace as time passes. The pain never goes away, my mom still tears up sometimes when she talks about it and she still asks why it happend. Unfortunately that is something that no one can answer.
Anyways, sending you (((((hugs))))) and love and the most heartfelt wishes that as you go through your journey that things will get better. And please remember that you are not alone. You have all of us to back you up and surround you with love.
Farmgirl #170
Since you get more joy out of giving joy to others, you should put a good deal of thought into the happiness that you are able to give...Eleanor Roosevelt |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2009 : 6:34:42 PM
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Oh Marcy, how my heart hurts for you. To lose someone so dear and in such a way. I am sorry.
I was driving home after running errands. As I passed the Les Schwabs, I broke into tears as I started thinking about when I need to rotate the tires on the cars. What a crazy thing to cry about but at that moment it seemed huge. I guess that won't be the only time that happens over something rather trivial.
I also have found that the fatigue of all this has set in. My daughter feels it too. It is such a different feeling then just being tired. I feel as though I am full of sand, it is hard to concentrate, to remember things. I am glad for post-it notes. It will be a month tomorrow since Dale passed away, it seems like an eternity, an eternity of only yesterday. I miss him. Thanks for listening.
For tomorrow and its needs I do not pray, but keep me, guide me, love me, Lord just for today.
St. Augustine |
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Across the Fence: Any other widow's out there? |
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Any other widow's out there?
