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Family Matters:  Dealing with brother's alcoholism  |
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RachelLeigh
True Blue Farmgirl
635 Posts
Rachel
Rainier
WA
USA
635 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 18 2008 : 4:23:26 PM
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Ladies, I hope some of you can give me some advice. My younger brother is 25 and is an alcoholic. He denies that he is, of course. However, he drinks like crazy, rages when he's drunk, and his drinking has cost him his job. His fiance called my mom tonight and told her that he was on another drinking binge. She's going to tell him that if she sees one more bottle of alcohol, it's over between them and he's going to have to move back with my parents. She's also going to get her brother to invite him to AA. My parents have been in denial about the whole thing and believe my brother every time he says its "under control." My mom FINALLY realizes that pretending it doesn't exist won't make it go away. She's going to tell him that if he gets kicked out of his fiance's house, he's not allowed to move home unless he starts AA and starts taking his Lexapro (antidepressant) again. My husband tries to talk to my brother but to no avail. My brother barely talks to me in person, only via text messaging, because he knows that I'm going to nag. How do we get through to him? You would think that blacking out, passing out, hurting himself, and getting fired would be enough to prompt him to get help but it's not. He tries to drink his problems away and it only makes them worse. I just don't know what else we can do besides deliver ultimatums to him. Have any of you dealt with this? Prayers and advice are greatly needed in this situation.
Thanks...and sorry this is so long.....
FARMGIRL SISTER #127
My sites:
Backwoods Junction: http://www.backwoodsjunction.com
The Catholic Wife: http://www.thecatholicwife.com
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ddmashayekhi
True Blue Farmgirl
4759 Posts
Dawn
Naperville
Illinois
USA
4759 Posts |
Posted - Dec 18 2008 : 5:09:37 PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this with your brother Rachel. I have never dealt with this kind of thing myself, but I believe AL-ANON, the AA chapter for families could help advise you on how to proceed.
My mother has been an over eater my entire life and weighs 300+ pounds. She has always refused to get help for it and her depression. I called doctors, nurses, clinics trying to find out what I could do to get her to lose weight. Finally a nurse told me, "You can't stop eating for her. She has to do it herself." That's when I realized no matter how much I talked, begged, argued and pleaded with her, it didn't matter. She has to make the decision to seek help on her own. She never did and her entire body is shot because of her obesity.
You are being a good sister, but he has to do this himself. I hope and pray that your brother will seek help now.
Dawn in IL |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Dec 18 2008 : 5:15:27 PM
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First of all, YOU cannot get through to him. No one can. It has got to be HIM and him alone that comes to the realization that HE has a problem. You cannot talk to an alcoholic, either. He will not listen to you or anyone else b/c he doesn't think he has a problem. He has got to come to his rock bottom before he can see this. And sometimes it's too late. But most people make it and turn their lives around. But no one can do this for him.
And of course he will deny it til he's dead if nothing happens to him first. And his fiance needs to get out of the picture QUICK and your parents, too. Let the boy FALL!!!! Do not give in to him and his lies. And I'm sure he is full of them, too.
Your parents need to get into An Alanon group ASAP. They need to learn how to deal with this behavior and not hide from it. They need to open their eyes before it's too late. And you do ,too. You have to realize you can't do a thing for him. You can drag him kickin' and screamin' to AA and he might stay a few minutes and leave. But it all comes down to: it has to be HIM that has to make the choice to stop the drinking and lying and hurting the people who love him more than anything before he will do anything.
I am sure this sounds mean and hateful, but it's the TRUTH. You talk to anyone who's been through the program or who know people who have and they'll all tell you the same thing.
Does it sound like I know a little? I can tell you a lot b/c I know alot. First there was my mom, who I took to the alcohol abuse treatment center back 32 years ago kicking and screaming the whole way shouting at the top of her lungs there wasn't a thing wrong with her. She said she'd go talk to them but she'd not stay. She did end up staying and has worked in this field all these years since. She can tell you some stories.
Then there is my sister, my brother, and my 2 daughters. HHHMMMM... I have been through a lot with all the lies and deceipt and the whole mess of alcohol and drugs. I hate it all. But I am thankful there are programs and people out there that can help people like your brother.
I do hope and pray he will get help and soon, but he won't do it because he thinks he's ok and ya'll are pushing him. Leave him alone to make his own mistakes and one day he will wake up.
Hugs and prayers, Kris in Ga. I've been there and done this. Good luck. If you have any questions, just ask.
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. Maori proverb |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2008 : 12:19:51 AM
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I'm sorry that your family is having to go through this. What Kristin says is true - you can deliver all the ultimatums in the world but it won't make him quit. He has to hit bottom and he has to want to get well. What you can do is stop enabling him - no money, no place to live, etc. In other words - tough love. I went to Alanon and it helped immensely. Stopping the enabling was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But it was the healthiest thing for me. I will be praying for your whole family and especially your brother.
Handmade Soap and More! http://therusticcottage.etsy.com
The Rustic Cottage Blog http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com
PROUD FARMGIRL SISTER #100 |
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kmbrown
True Blue Farmgirl
459 Posts
Misty
Waynesboro
Pennsylvania
USA
459 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2008 : 11:12:59 AM
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| Thank you for starting this thread...painful though it may be. We are presently going through the same thing. My brother is 22 and spent a night drying out in jail this past week...DUI. He was married in May and his wife left him 3 weeks ago...yup, 7 months. It's terribly hard at times. Last week he called me drunk at 1am and told me he was going to kill himself...there was nothing left to live for. I was up half the night talking to him, but as the previous people have stated, it was like talking to a wall. Sometimes I have to disconnect myself from the situation so I don;t go crazy!! My prayers are with you, and I appreciate the responses you've gotten already. |
Edited by - kmbrown on Dec 19 2008 11:13:38 AM |
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mommatracy
True Blue Farmgirl
490 Posts
Tracy
My. Olive
NC
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2008 : 11:42:38 AM
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Yes this is a very painful subject. I have a close family member who is destroying her life and refuses to get treatment. Alcoholism is a personal choice. You drink or you don't. It doesn't come out of left field like cancer which is a disease. Alcoholism is not a disease it is a personal choice to start drinking and continue to drink while your life is negatively effected by it. I personally feel that by calling it a disease it takes the personal responsibility for the problem off the individual who chooses to continue drinking.
www.cottagebythebay.blogspot.com |
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graciegreeneyes
True Blue Farmgirl
3107 Posts
Amy Grace
Rosalia
WA
USA
3107 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2008 : 7:47:56 PM
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Keep in mind too that alcoholics and addicts can be very manipulative and can make you feel like you are crazy. You are not the crazy one - it is a hard thing to deal with whatever the relationship.
Good luck Rachel - I will be thinking about you
Amy Grace
Farmgirl #224
"use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without" |
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homesteaderbelle
True Blue Farmgirl
391 Posts
Belle
USA
391 Posts |
Posted - Dec 20 2008 : 03:32:01 AM
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Ultimatems do not work.
I have dealt with alcoholism for most of my young life. Most alcoholics are liars that agree to the ultimatem for only a day or so and then back to the bottle they go.
My family and I have found it best just to let them go. Totally ignore alcoholics when they are drunk, turn your back to them, but when they are sober, show them love and attention.
Do not nag, ever! If you nag when they are drunk, they will fight and argue, but usually won't remember a thing that was said. If you nag when they are sober, they will want to crawl back into the bottle. Nagging does not work.
These things do not work with alcoholics:
Kicking them out of their home. Most of the time, they will move in with someone that encourages the drinking, then the alcoholism becomes worse.
Forcing anti-depressiants. They become more moody and drink with the anti-depressiants, which can be very dangerous.
Threatening divorce or seperation.
AA is a joke for many alcoholics. Yes, AA may help a few, but not many for long term.
Some say hitting rock bottom will make them stop drinking. Nope, not true here, my dad hit 'rock-bottom', the lowest of low, and only increased his drinking habits.
Most alcoholics are selfish people, who only care about themselves. They will only quit drinking when they fear that alcohol may cause them harm.
It is very important to smother them with love and kindness while they are sober so they will enjoy the sober life.
I have learned all of these things by trying them on an alcoholic. My father is a recovering acoholic. I think he gave up most of his liquor because he is afraid of getting sick and dying, a selfish reason.
There has been much sickness in my family. All the sickness has made him relize that we are not going to live forever, and he needs to start taking care of his health. My dad has been drinking for 30 years, he started when he was a young teen. It has taken him 30 years to quit. It may take your brother many years to quit.
Most alcoholics are very, very abusive. I have dealt with much abuse from my dad. He doesn't remember one cruel word or cruel action he has ever said or shown to me. The sad thing about alcoholics is they are not the ones being hurt, it is their loved ones. They will not remember the cruel things they have done, but the loved ones will always be hurt by it and remember it.
I do not beleive in calling alcoholism a disease. I know what disease is and disease can not be cured by choice. Alcohol is a want and desire to be high. Alcoholism is a choice. It isn't that they can't stop drinking, it is because the won't. For most alcoholics, for them quitting their alcohol, it has to be their own personal choice or it won't last, selfishness.
It was fear that caused my alcoholic to stop, fear of death.
Belle
http://www.homesteaderbelle.blogspot.com/
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SarahAnn
Farmgirl in Training
18 Posts
Sarah
USA
18 Posts |
Posted - Dec 20 2008 : 03:46:44 AM
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Hi Rachel,
I am so sorry that alcohol is harming you and your family. After living with an alcoholic for 17 years, and trying absolutely EVERYTHING to make him quit, I gave up and delt with the fact taht my husband was an alcoholic that was not going to quit. It was then, that my life, and the life of my family, improved greatly. We lived each day knowing that he would be drunk and how should we avoid his abuse.
We learned to agree with him and avoid him, basically, we let him have his way and atayed clear of it. By morning, everything he had siad and done he would not remember. By doing this, we had less stress, used less energy, and received less abuse.
Before I gave up, I spent my days worrying and planning on how I could make him quit. My mind was constantly focused on his addiction. My conversations with my family members were all about his addiction and his abuse to us.
Giving up was the best way to deal with my husband and his addiction. Within six months of me giving up, he gave up his drunkeness.
Sarahann
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Dec 20 2008 : 07:45:34 AM
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One more thing about adicts. It's always someone else's fault. Never their's. Even now when my DD and I get to argueing, she throws that in my face, that it was me that did this to her. I have had to come to terms with this and I have no guilt now. Oh how I used to blame myself for every little thing that she did. I had to come to a point where I said enough is enough!! I did the best I knew how with the way I was raised and I will not put any of this on MY shoulders any more. I did not hold the gun to anyone's head. They chose to drink or use. Not me.
I am so thankful that I chose to not let this addiction ruin my life. I don't know why it skipped me and affected my 2 kids. I sure would have traded if I could have. But they made the choice.
Anyway, I hope your brother gets the help he needs. Wouldn't that be a great Christmas gift?
Kris
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. Maori proverb |
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StitchinWitch
True Blue Farmgirl
2385 Posts
Judith
Galt
CA
USA
2385 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2008 : 1:33:37 PM
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This topic is really hitting close to home. DH is alcoholic and it was really bad on Christmas day. We were at my Dad's house and it was my year to fix dinner for the gang of 20+. Mexican dinner, lots of chili rellenos, enchiladas, and tamales to make. DH got literally falling-down drunk (fortunately he's not a mean drunk) and ended up with a nasty bruise on his forehead. I'm tring to deal with fixing dinner, taking care of Dad (he's 94), managing anxious kids and pinatas and all the rest of a big Christmas gathering. DH is one of those sneaky drinkers -- he drinks all the time but you never see him do it. I find empty bottles and cans hidden in the garage. This time I told him absolutely no more alcohol in the house; if I find anymore evidence it's out and so is he. A year ago I held my brother's hand in the hospital for six days watching him die from alcohol abuse. I don't want to go through that again. I love this man dearly and he is a gem of a person except for this one failing. The really ironic part of the day was our white elephant gift exchange, where the package I picked was six bottles of assorted booze and barware..... Fortunately my son "stole" it when it was his turn and I then picked a box with a crystal candy dish and a big box of chocolates.
Happiness is Homemade |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2008 : 1:45:08 PM
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I am so sorry, Judith, that you had such a crazy Christmas day. Hopefully it's all settled down a bit for you. My goodness, that's a lot of Mexican food. I guess you make it all from scratch, too? Hope you had lots of help. And I hope your DH can come to the place where he's had enough, too.
I hope your new year is one with no alcoholism in it.
Kris
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. Maori proverb |
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StitchinWitch
True Blue Farmgirl
2385 Posts
Judith
Galt
CA
USA
2385 Posts |
Posted - Dec 29 2008 : 11:31:43 AM
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Hi Kristin,
I hope your holiday was good. Mine will be better next year.
No offense taken -- the current theory is that alcoholism is a disease. I just don't agree with that; calling it a disease kind of removes any personal responsibility and puts it into the "I can't help it" realm. My personal feeling is that it is a personality disorder. I once read that ten percent of people who ever try drugs go on to become addicts; I have a feeling the same numbers apply to alcohol. Some people just can't say no.
Judith
Happiness is Homemade |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Dec 31 2008 : 6:20:19 PM
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Rachel, I think you're finding that there are a lot of us who have gone through this with one family member or another. I just left my alcoholic husband Dec. 6 and filed for divorce on the 8th (as many of you know already). The roller coaster ride during our 19 year marriage simply became unbearable for me. He is a mean drunk and I have been hiding from him since I left him. I tried the ultimatums and threats and helping him the way he "said" he wanted me to help him. Kristin is right. All I helped him do was drink. I work full time and he was willing to let me get a second job (while he sat on his butt in front of the tv), I paid the bills, I shoveled the snow, I raked the leaves, I got on the roof to fix it, I took the trash out, I unclogged the sink, I stacked the firewood and brought it in every night, stoked the fire, did the dishes, vacuuming, laundry and he would continue to sit there and have the nerve to ask me what was for dinner?! I only enabled him to continue in his downward spiral and the garbage I endured from him - no one should have to. I always heard one excuse or another. He was worried about bills, he was worried about how to pay dd tuition (I got it covered!), so-and-so died; you name it, he came up with another excuse. When I left him this fall (yeah, he talked me into going back) he gave me the "it's a disease" excuse and told me he would never leave me if I had a disease and how could I leave him in his darkest hour? I thought "Perfect! Now, you have a PERMANENT excuse regardless of how good or bad things are!". Completely tossing personal responsibility out the window and putting it all on me. And that's just what it was. He went back to drinking in less than a week and this time, I followed through on my ultimatum. After I left on the 6th, he rampaged around town trying to find me, went to a few AA meetings for show, but continues to secretly drink (no secret, really - small town of @ 400 people - everybody knows everything!). The constant lies, the bank account bouncing because he couldn't tell me he spent money on booze and more lies - ALL THE TIME. The sad thing is, he just watched his brother die of cirrhosis 3 years ago and knows all of his uncles had died the same way. When I reminded him of this, he denied that he could get cirrhosis from drinking beer. I told him about my best friend's mom who died from cirrhosis and that was all SHE drank. He accused me of lying to him. There simply is no way of getting through. Unfortunately, I continue to enable him by allowing him to stay in the house while I pay the mortgage! Seems stupid, but I don't want to lose the house that's also in my name to foreclosure. Hopefully, that situation will be resolved once the divorce is final. I so feel for all family members of alcoholics. It's such a horrible way to live and just so heartbreaking. Prayers for all of you and yours.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
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simplyflowers
True Blue Farmgirl
489 Posts
Jamie
Locust Grove
Virginia
USA
489 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2009 : 08:15:47 AM
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Thinking of you gals today...
{{{Many Hugs}}} ~Jamie
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -- Thomas Edison
Check out my blog!! http://bestcoupleintown.blogspot.com/ |
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RachelLeigh
True Blue Farmgirl
635 Posts
Rachel
Rainier
WA
USA
635 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2009 : 10:46:34 AM
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Hi ladies! I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to get back with you. The holidays were maddening and I'm still trying to catch up. And thanks to Kristin for checking up on me!
Things came to a head with my brother and his fiance right after I posted on here in December. She told him that if he didn't stop drinking and go to AA, their relationship was over. Surprisingly, he loves her enough and doesn't want to lose her and hasn't been drinking. I believe he's attending meetings with her brother and seems to be doing a lot better. She was rather somber at Christmas but she had just quit her job on Christmas Eve and was very worried about the future. All I know is that there hasn't been an "incident" since December and I am thankful for that. He is constantly in my prayers because I don't know if I can handle another one of those "your brother is at the hospital for passing out and hitting his head" calls again. We almost lost him when he was 18 in a motorcycle accident (NOT due to alcohol) and we know that God gave him a second chance at life so he has more to offer than what he's been offering. Your stories and your advice have really touched me and I am praying for all those who are going through it as well. I've never been one to drink but it saddens me to see how many lives are ruined! Again, thanks for all the advice and concern. I really feel better and I know that only he can change it....no amount of pleading will help. Perhaps losing his fiance is the one thing that will force him to complete treatment and stay sober!
FARMGIRL SISTER #127
My sites:
Backwoods Junction: http://www.backwoodsjunction.com
The Catholic Wife: http://www.thecatholicwife.com
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2009 : 2:05:56 PM
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Well this sure is good to know. I was so hoping nothing bad happened to either one of you. So maybe this is what it takes to get him where he needs to be. It does sound like he's been given another chance. Sounds a little like he's maybe running from something (or someone).
I'll be keeping him in my prayers. Thanks for checking back in.
Kris
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. Maori proverb |
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RachelLeigh
True Blue Farmgirl
635 Posts
Rachel
Rainier
WA
USA
635 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2009 : 3:10:38 PM
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Kris, it's funny that you say that about him running from someone.....that's exactly the case! He was treated horribly by two different women prior to his current girlfriend. They used him and lied to him so much that it did serious damage to his psyche. He was fired from his job for sending them threatening emails when he was drunk (state employees can be investigated for anything.) Everytime he drinks, he laments about what they did to him. Plus, he used to be really heavy but he's not anymore but he still has that "I'm worthless" mentality. He needs lots of prayers. I hope he continues on the right path!
FARMGIRL SISTER #127
My sites:
Backwoods Junction: http://www.backwoodsjunction.com
The Catholic Wife: http://www.thecatholicwife.com
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Jan 06 2009 : 11:58:46 PM
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Rachel - I'm so glad that your brother is going to AA. Let's hope he's done drinking for good!
I read all these stories and it just makes my heart hurt for those of you going through it. My dad was an alcoholic when I was little - thank God he quit drinking - and my childhood was not good. He was never a mean drunk but it was just hard having all the holidays ruined, etc because of his drinking. That's why I try to make Christmas so special now - to make up for all the bad ones when I was little.
Lisa - my heart goes out to you! What you're going through sounds like my 2nd marriage. I'll be praying for you! You will make it!
Handmade Soap and More! http://therusticcottage.etsy.com
The Rustic Cottage Blog http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com
PROUD FARMGIRL SISTER #100 |
Edited by - therusticcottage on Jan 07 2009 12:00:25 AM |
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Family Matters: Dealing with brother's alcoholism |
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Dealing with brother's alcoholism
