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Family Matters:  Need Advice for Declining Graciously  |
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wncmtnmama
Farmgirl in Training
25 Posts
Marilyn
Asheville
NC
25 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 15 2008 : 07:43:27 AM
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I need advice on how to decline a family members request to keep their child when they can't find or provide care for their child when schools are out or when the child is sick.
My sis-in-law calls me this morning as I'm taking my truck in to have the brakes fixed and asks if my daughter and I have plans for next Monday. I said "No, not really, I have invited my parents up this weekend since it is a long weekend for the schoolkids, but I don't know if they will be arriving Friday or Saturday". My SIL then says "well, would it be allright if Hannah hangs around with y'all then?" and I said "Do you mean if my parents don't come?" and she said "Either way, can Hannah hang around with y'all on Monday since school is out?". I was in shock and stunned that she would even ask and just agreed to keep her child. This has happened to me twice now - the last time was at Easter this year and that day was one of my worst and the worst for my daugher who is a year younger. My husband said then that he hoped that would be the first and last time we kept that child.
A little background would be helpful, I'm sure. This child has major behavioral problems - nothing has been officially "diagnosed" mind you - but no one (and I mean no one) in the family wants to keep this child because of it - even her own grandmother will not keep her. She is rude, has "meltdowns" that would put any menopausal woman to shame and has pushed my child down a number of times and will take my daughters toys and deliberately take them outside and throw them in the dirt (a brand new doll to be exact). When I have told my daughter to get her feet off the couch (because she had shoes on), this child has looked me straight in the eye, put both of her feet (including shoes) on my couch and grinned at me. I truly cannot stand to be around her for more than 10 minutes.
My SIL is a genuinely nice person and I do not want to hurt her feelings, but we do not even go out to eat with them anymore and it's because of the embarassment we feel when this child acts up (and she has had her "meltdowns" every single time we have gone out with them). My daughter has even said she doesn't want to go swimming with them anymore because "of how Hannah acts to me" and will not spend the night with her anymore because she says the child "won't let me play with anything, she just wants me to watch her play and do what she says to do".
How can I graciously decline keeping this child (In the future, I've already said I would keep her and I can't take that back)and not hurt the mother's feelings? I'm afraid if I just say no she will want to know why - plus she sets me up by asking "what do you have planned for xyz?".
Thanks for any advice and help -
Marilyn
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ddmashayekhi
True Blue Farmgirl
4740 Posts
Dawn
Naperville
Illinois
USA
4740 Posts |
Posted - Oct 15 2008 : 07:51:21 AM
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It sounds like your sister-in-law has her hands full and she is also taking advantage of your kind nature. Next time she asks if "you are doing anything" on a certain day. Ask her immediately, WHY? Then decide if you are available to deal with her child, if not, tell her you have plans for that date and will be unavailable. You don't need to explain yourself. If she pushes for more, then perhaps you should describe the girls behavior towards your daughter and your home. It is up to your sister-in-law to find a babysitter who is capable of dealing with her child. Perhaps her school can recommend a person or daycare center that is equipped to deal with children who have behavioral problems.
This isn't easy, especially with family. But ultimately it is the girls parents who have to deal with this. Good luck on finding a solution that will work for you. I'm sure the farmgirls will have tons of advice on this.
Dawn in IL |
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electricdunce
True Blue Farmgirl
2544 Posts
Karin
Belmont
ME
USA
2544 Posts |
Posted - Oct 15 2008 : 08:01:31 AM
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"No" can be a perfectly gracious reply. I know how hard it is to say that sometimes, but there is nothing impolite about it. You have to take care of yourself and your family I speak from experience, it took me quite a while just to be able to say "No " right off the bat....family is the hardest, b ut just stand firm. Good luck.
Karin
Farmgirl Sister #153
"Give me shelter from the storm" - Bob Dylan
http://moodranch.blogspot.com
http://domesticnonsense.etsy.com |
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Suzan
True Blue Farmgirl
659 Posts
suzanne
duncannon
pa
USA
659 Posts |
Posted - Oct 15 2008 : 08:16:18 AM
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| You know, as I got older I finally realized I can say "No" and not have to explain myself - I figured I am 50-something yrs old and I don't have to...It works and people haven't been offended - very liberating... |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Oct 15 2008 : 08:20:16 AM
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Agree, no is perfect. I know how exhausting it can be with a child who has behavioral problems but I feel instead of pawning the child off, she needs to deal with the problem. I guarantee, if you say no, you will see her true side, whether good or bad. Recommend she find a drop off center that could work with her child.
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
FARMGIRL #90 |
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Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Oct 15 2008 : 08:50:22 AM
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I agree that you don't need to have any excuse for saying "no". Although, if the mother doesn't think there's anything amiss with her child, you might want to try to gently let her know that these behaviors are not normal and everyone in the family is concerned. Might push her towards getting that diagnosis and some help. She's not doing the little girl any favors by letting her go on this way. It's only going to make life hard for her.
My parent's foster child is the same way. They suspect that he has some sort of disorder (oppositional defiant disorder - is that a real thing or just a medical way of saying "your kid's out of control"?). They can't take him to any kind of childcare because of it (not even Sunday School) and it's really making life hard for all of them. They're going to get him to a child psychologist the moment he gets health insurance! I can't imagine that your sil finds it easy to live with her daughter either. |
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emsmommy5
True Blue Farmgirl
1547 Posts
Angie
Buckley
WA
USA
1547 Posts |
Posted - Oct 15 2008 : 10:02:34 AM
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I hate it when people ask me what I am doing later or tomorrow or whenever. I usually just reply with "what's up" or some other non-commital answer until I find out what they want. Just grates on my nerves I guess.
As far as keeping the child. I would suggest honesty is the best policy. Tell her. I cannot keep (child) because of her behavior towards (my daughter) and myself. ----- or ------ as others' have said. Tell her No. And remember you don't have to even explain why!
It's hard to say no. But holy cow... is it an empowering word when you finally get the ability to say it when you need to.
Farmgirl #208
What are you doing with your dash? |
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kmbrown
True Blue Farmgirl
459 Posts
Misty
Waynesboro
Pennsylvania
USA
459 Posts |
Posted - Oct 15 2008 : 10:46:02 AM
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| Our family has had some very difficult times with my in-laws and they have wanted to take my children away or do something with them and we have had to say no. It is hard to say no....but it's easier than saying yes and then regretting that answer for days!!! ALWAYS go with you gut is what my dad used to tell me and I have stuck with that throughout these times with my MIL and FIL. Also in our family we have a policy to never babysit or have play dates with children who have totally different rules and home life then ourselves because it effects my children negatively. This may sound harsh and intolerant but my most important responsibility on this earth right now is raising my children....why expose them to something we don't want emmulated in our home. It's not worth it!! |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Oct 15 2008 : 11:25:35 AM
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Just say NO. This mother deep down, knows her child is "difficult." Othwerwise, she wouldn't have worded her question that way.
If she pushes on an explanation, just tell her while you love them both, you just don't find her daugther's bad behavior acceptable. It will hurt her to hear it, BUT it will open her eyes to her problem to hear it out loud. Her daughter's bad behavior is only going to get worse. I work with a grown up version of this girl and let me tell you, it isn't pretty to see a fifty year old woman throw a complete hissy because she didn't get her way on something. They aren't doing this kid any favors burying their head in the sand and ignoring her behavior.
Just take care of you and your family first.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
Posted - Oct 16 2008 : 09:27:40 AM
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Even if you have told SIL that you don't have special plans you can still tell her "no". It's perfectly alright for you and your child to just have a quiet day together. You don't have to feel obligated to watch her child.
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wncmtnmama
Farmgirl in Training
25 Posts
Marilyn
Asheville
NC
25 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2008 : 08:32:07 AM
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Thank you everyone for your advice. I really like the suggestion by emsmommy of saying "What's up?" when I'm asked "what are you doing on xyz". Also thanks for allowing me to have the peace of mind to know that it is okay to say no. I think what made me the most angry was knowing that I was manipulated into it because I didn't want to hurt her feelings or damage the relationship. I will be a stronger person next time, after all, the kids will be out Thanksgiving and Christmas !
Repeat to self "WHY, What's up?"
Repeat to self "I'm sorry, but No, I cannot do that".
Marilyn |
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Daisydu
Farmgirl in Training
40 Posts
Becky
Rock Hill
South Carolina
USA
40 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2008 : 10:12:09 AM
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I have found that sometimes it's easier to go to the root of the problem. I'm not sure of her age or even if this will work for you. But, maybe if you ask the girl if she likes coming to stay with you. If she says yes...Tell her that you enjoy her company but explain to her that her behavior is a problem. And if she cannot behave you will be unable to watch her. Maybe she will make the decision on her own. It could be that she would rather stay at your place than another place that she must go if you cannot keep her. Of course, do this in a loving and caring manner and away from anyone else. I know that some kids are unable to reason. But it may be worth a shot. Maybe she just needs to know someone cares. Remember, she may go to her Mom and tell her you hurt her feelings or something, and then you'll have to explain. I have used this method in the past and it turned out well for me. Although, all situations are different.
Loving a simple life in the country!
www.twistedfencepost.wordpress.com |
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nampafarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
494 Posts
Kim
Nampa
ID
USA
494 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2008 : 10:32:32 AM
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When I am asked what I am doing on such and such date, I always answer very generically, giving out examples like lunch with the GFs, car stuff, kids school things, a meeting regarding PTA or possible OT at work, or Wendell and I have date day or date night planned even when I have nothing on the calender. I never say nothing cos that always leads into, 'can you do this for me' stuff. I dont liek conflict and I dont like being put upon so I have some excuses all ligned up, matter a fact if you dot want to excerise, clean house, weed, whatever, let me know, I have a million excuses as to why I should'nt do those things too, back to reality, if this girl has such behavior at this age, can you imagine what she will be like as a teenager???? Holy Buckets is her mom in for a treat.
Kim
Farmgirl Sister # 302 |
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Family Matters: Need Advice for Declining Graciously |
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Need Advice for Declining Graciously
