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Family Matters:  How do you get an ex to take a hike?  |
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melanie47601
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Melanie
Boonville
IN
USA
1949 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 23 2008 : 10:06:51 PM
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Sorry gals. I need to vent some steam. I am so out of ideas on what to do to get my ex to leave me alone. November this year we will be divorced for three years. We live in the same trailer park. I understand we're going to meet each other on the road coming and going, but he won't quit stopping by the house. He thinks he can stop here anytime he pleases. He uses the excuse that he sees the kids playing in the yard and doens't feel right passing by without stoppin to say hi. Tells me that I'm so unfair for not letting him have or talk to the kids more. Is constantly calling on my weekend to try to get the kids after I have told him countless times we have plans. I have tried asking him nicely to stay away form my house unless it's his time to pick up the kiddos for visitation. Ok nice didn't work. Tried the opposite. Told him exactly what I thought of him stopping by, that it wasn't welcome (to put it nicely). While I try to keep things civil in front of the kids (this conversation didn't happen in front of them), I told him there's a reason he's an ex and I don't want to be his friend. I can be nice while the kids are around, but really have no desire to speak to him about anything that doesn't pertain to the kids. Being super witchy works for a little while. I'm just not good at being mean. It puts me in a rotten mood and I sometimes tend to take it out on others around me. Or I stay mad for a really long time afterwards. I've tried talking to the cops. They don't belive I can get a restraining order with him living that close.
Does anyone have any other ideas? There's got to be something that will work.
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart. Helen Keller "http://wheelsarealwaysturning.blogspot.com/ ~shop~ http://www.brokenin.ecrater.com/ |
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StarMeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
940 Posts
T
MI
940 Posts |
Posted - Aug 24 2008 : 05:47:40 AM
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| Just because the police don't think you can get the restraining order, doesn't mean that you can't. |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Aug 24 2008 : 06:38:53 AM
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OMG! So if you had a stalker that lived next door you couldn't get a restraining order! The idiots. Of course you can!
Don't worry, I'm not saying ALL police are idiots, some are great, nice folks, one is a friend of mine.
But, even my parents just had to deal with some idiot officers last week. There was a man squatting in one of their rental houses! My mom and dad was there cleaning up the place, and he came back!!!!! And started accusing them of stealing his stuff! Apparently 20,000.00 worth of stuff. Yeah right! He called the police. The police came, and told my parents they had to leave! My parents had proof it was there house. This squatter had nothing! The police said, and yeah what proof do we have of just how much of his stuff you all carted off with your truck, before this poor man came home! And was going to arrest my parents if they didn't leave! My parents have 4 adopted kids that have been through the ringer with foster homes and being taken out of their first home by the police on many occasions, according to their psychologist, it would be way too traumatizing for this to ever happen again-why they were perm taken away, and now adopted by my parents. Well, if my parents had been arrested of course the children would of been taken into custody while my parents were in jail, even if it was for a short period it may of been too much for these children, so my parents backed off and had to leave the house unlocked for the squatter! Meanwhile, the officer said he would be back to check that they hadn't stolen any thing more from this "poor" man!
Any way, they ended up in court about it. A few days ago. And the judge, and city inspector (the city inspector had just been there, and that's why my parents were up there!) were flabbergasted by the police. And they are actually going to have to have a meeting with that precinct they said!
So, officers don't always know every thing.
And sad to say many are very sexist! I remember in school we used to have those programs where a cop came and talked to us each month. The one we were assigned was a lady, she said she was constantly harrassed by her fellow officers, putting dead animals and all kinds of things in her car! And the like!
So sometimes when a woman goes to them, they are like yeah, a woman, they're always crying. And will just say what ever to get you out of their hair. Then it's time to go to another one, or to their supervisor. And if something was to happen to you, let them know your next of kin will be sueing their butts off!
http://www.wolfprncez.blogspot.com |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Aug 24 2008 : 11:30:01 AM
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Melanie:
Heather: That was scarey to read. I agree with it all, LOL.
Melanie: Maybe try to find him a girl friend. Set him up. That may work.
Marly |
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4forMe
True Blue Farmgirl
166 Posts
Dawn
Easton
MD
166 Posts |
Posted - Aug 24 2008 : 12:10:07 PM
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I have no advice except that I heard on an Oprah episode that the only person the restraining order really helps is the cop trying to get a woman out of his office. A restraining order can cause your ex to become even more annoying or even violent. A person who is irrational will not be stopped by a piece of paper. So in this case I think the cop is right.
Can you move? I know that sounds crazy, but I think I would have reservations about staying in the same neighborhood with an ex who didn't want to set me free.
I hope you have peace and resolution soon.
Sewing, knitting, gardening mom of 4. |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Aug 24 2008 : 2:07:29 PM
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It was scary Marly! And nuts!
Dawn, I seen that show, I agreed in one way and disagreed in another. I know sometimes judges and the like if there is no paper trail, will not take a woman seriously when more serious things happen. I think a paper trail helps judges give a bigger sentence when the person does go further.
I don't usually make choices out of fear-IE if I do this, it will make them madder! And then they will go after me more. I learned from my uncles they love to go after people who are too afraid to do anything, and will continue to do so.
I do agree, that a restraining order usually don't keep the crazies away, and isn't magic, that's for sure. BUT, what I think it does is get a paper trail going to show this guy didn't up and just snap one day, but he had been leading up to things for a while. And so he can't plea off on that!
http://www.wolfprncez.blogspot.com |
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Rebekka Mae
True Blue Farmgirl
965 Posts
Rebekka
Moscow
ID
USA
965 Posts |
Posted - Aug 24 2008 : 2:56:47 PM
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Melanie- Is there another place your family (or your ex) would enjoy living? It seems as though it will be hard for him to comply with your wishes living within sight of you and the kids (given his jerky behavior so far) and while you shouldn't have to move- this guy is not good with boundaries, it sounds like a little more space might do the trick. Wishing you help from the universe to sort this one out. Until then stand up for yourself and file grievances when necessary.
Warmly, Rebekka
www.bebebella.etsy.com
As a woman I have no country. As a woman, my country is the whole world.
Virginia Woolf |
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La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
Posted - Aug 24 2008 : 10:47:39 PM
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Hi Melanie - been there done that!
First off your not being mean, your setting boundries with a person who is not part of your life anymore. He's trying to cross those boundries. You have to be firm and consistent - like with a three year old.
My ex did the same thing. Except when he dropped DD off he would walk her to the door and then walk in my house and look around at whatever my latest project was. Talk about nerve. I would ask him - nicely - to wait outside, but he never did. Finally I emailed him and told him that if he couldn't respect my wishes he could drop her off at the curb. He brought on the divorce and was not welcome in my home.
Secondly, use your divorce settlement as a reminder to your ex of what you both agreed to as far as HIS time with the kids. Our settlement states.... Or, you agreed to... several times I copied the passage, hi-lited it and mailed it to him.
If you have caller ID don't answer his calls if the kids are with you. Then you don't have to deal with him whinning about taking your weekend. Eventually they get the messege and things settle down.
The first several years are the hardest, for men especially, because they discover the grass isn't as green as they thought it would be and they realize how much they are missing out on their kids lives. Sometimes they just don't know what to do with themselves.
If you are a church going person I highly recommend attending a Divorce Recovery program at your church or another. Ours was one day a week for a few months. It was very helpful and the Pastors answered all kinds of questions and gave good suggestions on how to handle certain situations. We even had guest speakers that were attorney's, therapists, accountants, any profession that would be helpful in giving advice.
Stand firm. Hope it all works out well.
Jenn |
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melanie47601
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Melanie
Boonville
IN
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Aug 25 2008 : 05:22:31 AM
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You know after reading all your replies and thinking about things, I remembered something that happened when I first left my ex. We were living in the same places we are now. The only exception at that time my mom owned this home. A few months later she moved to an apartment and I bought this place from her. It wasn't really what I wanted to do, but it was all I could afford. But... anyways... mom was scared he would blow his top and do something really stupid so she talked me into filing a restraining order. What I filed wasn't the actual no contact kind of restraining order but rather a no violence order. It didn't say he couldn't see the kids, just that he couldn't start stuff. He didn't even bother to read the order. He went and filed one against me. But he filed a no contact order. That really didn't bother me at all. I didn't want to be around him for anything. So now I'm thinking, if he could get one back then why can't I get one now???? So that's something for me to check into today.
Heather, that is just crazy! I sure hope everything goes ok for your parents.
Marly, I don't believe I know anyone that would want to date him. I would like for him to find someone and all that. Someone who's good to the kids, but I don't think he'd be good to her. I know that sounds not so nice. He was really abusive during our marriage. i know sometimes people can change. But they really have to want to change. I'd hate for any woman to go through what I did. I haven't seen any abuse towards the kids thank goodness.
Dawn, moving has definately come across my mind. the only hold back for right now is lack of money. *sigh* I'm planning on paying off my van this next spring. And if I have enough left, but I kind of doubt it, I'll move. Otherwise I'm looking at another year after the van is paid for before I'll have enough money together to move. I don't know if that will really stop him though. If I moved far enough out of town maybe.
Jenn, you have some really good points. I can be really bad about giving in from time to time. I guess I'm just afraid standing my ground is going to make me bitter. Did you have that?
Melanie
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart. Helen Keller "http://wheelsarealwaysturning.blogspot.com/ ~shop~ http://www.brokenin.ecrater.com/ |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Aug 25 2008 : 06:56:51 AM
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Melanie-
Talk to the USDA Rural Development program. They might be able to help you move faster! I am sure you would qualify! And if you own the home you are in now, they can help you buy property and transport the house to the new property. Just a thought!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our new blog:
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
Posted - Aug 25 2008 : 08:59:01 AM
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Actually Melanie standing your ground will make you stronger.
Speaking to my ex made things worse. Because of the things he did I had lost all respect for him. Even though I truely believed he was going through some kind of crisis and needed help I wasn't going to stand around and have him blame me for everything. So, when DD and I moved out I never initiated any conversations. If I needed to give him info I emailed him.
We have a clause in our settlement that requires we seek counsoling before heading to court and even the therapist said he was being immature and unrealistic. I wasn't his wife anymore and under no obligation to take care of things for him. Many guys have this wierd attitude that they get to do what ever they want and we're always going to be around to pick up the pieces and make it all better for them. It was a rude awakening for my ex.
I don't think it has made me bitter. But, don't mistake anger for bitterness. You're allowed to be angry - even at him - for causing the breakup of your family and all the things that go along with that. When I first started working and moved out I was so tired and worried about everything that DD got pushed aside a bit because I was always trying to "make it all work". That made me really mad. I never wanted to be the 9 to 5 mom, putting job and money ahead of my kid. And I certainly never wanted my child to be a latchkey kid but that's exactly what happened just so we could have a roof and food. He had caused this and it really pissed me off. But, after some time and settling into a routine I realized I had never been better or better off. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted and with whom I wanted. I am actually more stable and secure as a single mom than I ever was married.
Besides, it sounds like you have a very nice man in your life, that cares about you and your kids. I don't think you could have done that if you were a bitter person.
Also - think about the different situations you get into with your ex, like having more time with the kids and decide on a response - "your scheduled weekend is..."; "your scheduled time is....". Stick to that response and say nothing more, even if you have to repeat it over and over. Sometimes we want to keep the conversation going to try to get the other person to see our point. We don't care what our ex's think. This is a very common practice in the business world - say your peace and then STOP TALKING.
Good luck,
Jenn |
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melanie47601
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Melanie
Boonville
IN
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Aug 29 2008 : 9:07:39 PM
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Well gals I have tried all week to get ahold of my attorney, but nothin. He's busy, he's in court, yadda yadda yadda.
Jeremy and I were in Evasnville this evening to grab a bite to eat and to go check into a sax for Caitie for the school band. Well we had some time to kill so we stopped off at the western store on the mall, my guy likes to gab with the sales folks for a bit. Who comes in but this fella Jeremy used to go to school with and was friends with. Take a guess at what this guy does for a livin. He's an attorney. Jeremy started talking to him about my situation. He told me to go to the court house and file a restraining order. He said "he's an ex, you have kids, you told him to stay away- you'll get it no questions asked." So first free minute I have next week I'm going to head up to the courthouse to do this!! I am so relieved to have an answer to what I can do for sure and so grateful he came in theat store this evening and was so nice about giving advice.
Melanie
~blog~ http://wheelsarealwaysturning.blogspot.com/ ~shop~ http://www.brokenin.ecrater.com/ |
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Daisydu
Farmgirl in Training
40 Posts
Becky
Rock Hill
South Carolina
USA
40 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2008 : 09:47:36 AM
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I had a very similar problem. It eventually turned abusive. I had to leave the state before someone got hurt badly, or my kids were taken away from me because he wouldn't stop coming around and starting arguments. For me, it was the only way.
If there is a way to move to a different area, it could possibly help. Outta sight, outta mind.
Goodluck, to you!!!
Loving a simple life in the country!
www.twistedfencepost.wordpress.com |
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horse
True Blue Farmgirl
371 Posts
laura
pontotoc
mississippi
USA
371 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2008 : 03:58:36 AM
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I had the same problem right after I got divorced but out papers stated that we had to meet somewhere other than our houses to exchange the kids. I got to noticing one time where someone was coming into my house and going thru things. Well... to make a long story short, my ex got a house key from one of the kids and I was home one day and here he came. I hid in the hall way with a hammer and when he walked in, BAM , right on the head with the hammer. I called the cops and had him arrested from trespassing and then he tried to press charges on me but when we went to court mine got throwed out but his didn't. The judge told him he got just what he deserved, 15 stitches and probation. Wish I could give you the answer to your problem.
Laura
www.2lmzfarms.blogspot.com |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2008 : 8:38:28 PM
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Okay, is it bad of me for chuckling about Laura's hammer story?
I have the giggles now thinking about her whacking him with it. And his whiny butt trying to get HER into trouble.
LOL
Thanks for the chuckle. Now back to your regularly scheduled thread.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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melanie47601
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Melanie
Boonville
IN
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2008 : 8:46:46 PM
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I'd like to give him a good whack with a cast iron skillet, but my luck I wouldn't get away with it. Oh well..
I went to the court house Friday. Finally had a minute to breathe. Filed the papers for the protective order. Now it's a wait and see game, but shouldn't take too long.
Melanie
~blog~ http://wheelsarealwaysturning.blogspot.com/ ~shop~ http://www.brokenin.ecrater.com/ |
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horse
True Blue Farmgirl
371 Posts
laura
pontotoc
mississippi
USA
371 Posts |
Posted - Sep 08 2008 : 04:24:10 AM
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I wish you the best. You might want to check on have your papers changed about where ya'll exchange the kids, I'm taking it that maybe your divorce papers doesn't state anything about where. I was in an abusive marriage the first time and it didn't stop after we divorced. There was one time about 3 years ago he caught me alone and beat the crap out of me.(don't fear, I fought him back with everything I had) when we went to court, I told the judge that I had been in his court several times about the abuse but this time I meant it, he would never ever lay his hands on me again. When I called 911 it wasn't going to be to have him arrested, it was going to be much worse. The judge said he agreed. He then told my x to get on with his life, find some other hobby, and ordered him to attend anger mangement classes.
Laura
www.2lmzfarms.blogspot.com |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Sep 09 2008 : 07:55:04 AM
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I'm sorry, but I'm giggling about the hammer story too. I wished I had the nerve to do something like that years ago!
I think that moving away would still be a good thing. I don't think I could put up with that clown nearby.
Oh, and about the squatter, nope the police officers sure didn't know their stuff. The squatter can claim all he wants but he has to PROVE his stuff is missing and who took it. Boneheaded officers!
Winona :-)
Winona :-)
When you lose, don't lose the lesson!!
http://goneriding.wordpress.com/
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tangledthreads
True Blue Farmgirl
185 Posts
Michelle
Middle Tennessee
USA
185 Posts |
Posted - Sep 25 2008 : 1:00:35 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by horse
I had the same problem right after I got divorced but out papers stated that we had to meet somewhere other than our houses to exchange the kids. I got to noticing one time where someone was coming into my house and going thru things. Well... to make a long story short, my ex got a house key from one of the kids and I was home one day and here he came. I hid in the hall way with a hammer and when he walked in, BAM , right on the head with the hammer. I called the cops and had him arrested from trespassing and then he tried to press charges on me but when we went to court mine got throwed out but his didn't. The judge told him he got just what he deserved, 15 stitches and probation. Wish I could give you the answer to your problem.
Laura
www.2lmzfarms.blogspot.com
hahaha (sorry but that made me laugh...lol)
Sorry to hear you are dealing with a pesty ex, no advise but wish you luck in dealing with the bugger.
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´tangledthreads #85
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
Mahatma Ghandi
Well behaved women rarely make history.
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Edited by - tangledthreads on Sep 25 2008 1:01:59 PM |
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melanie47601
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Melanie
Boonville
IN
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Sep 25 2008 : 1:37:26 PM
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Well I filed for the protective order here a little while back. A week later I received a letter in mail denying the order.
He hasn't been much of a pest lately. Knock on wood. Now that's out of my mouth he will be.
I hope to be moving next year, probably early summer.
Melanie
~blog~ http://wheelsarealwaysturning.blogspot.com/ ~shop~ http://www.brokenin.ecrater.com/ |
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Wildcrafter
True Blue Farmgirl
340 Posts
Suzanne
Seattle
WA
USA
340 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2008 : 4:36:36 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by horse
I had the same problem right after I got divorced but out papers stated that we had to meet somewhere other than our houses to exchange the kids. I got to noticing one time where someone was coming into my house and going thru things. Well... to make a long story short, my ex got a house key from one of the kids and I was home one day and here he came. I hid in the hall way with a hammer and when he walked in, BAM , right on the head with the hammer. I called the cops and had him arrested from trespassing and then he tried to press charges on me but when we went to court mine got throwed out but his didn't. The judge told him he got just what he deserved, 15 stitches and probation. Wish I could give you the answer to your problem.
Laura
www.2lmzfarms.blogspot.com
ha ha ha! You're my kind of woman!
My second ex threatened me with physical violence after we split up. He left me 2 days after my mother died, because in his immortal words, "you are being too much of a [bleep]." Well, duh. My mom just died. But then he wouldn't file for divorce and I got in this mindset where I would be danged if I spent the $250 to file. It took me 15 months to get out of the fog that my mom's passing put me in and took the money out of my bank account and filed for divorce. Guess who served him? My dad! ha ha ha!
Then he said he was going to start swinging on me. I ran right to my current husband's house (we had just started dating at the time) and he took care of me. It was either that or one of us was going to jail. I can give as good as I get, let me tell you. My current husband tells me I'm a force to be reckoned with!
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's the pits. But don't put up with any bull! That's my 2 cents worth.
Roses are red, Violets are blue; But they don't get around Like the dandelions do.
Slim Acres
www.goodnaturedearthling.com |
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Family Matters: How do you get an ex to take a hike? |
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How do you get an ex to take a hike?
