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Family Matters:  Why is telling the truth to family so difficult?  |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 20 2008 : 5:01:02 PM
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My 2 mil's and my sil and I were planning a trip to the Biltmore estate mid March, but in January, our little world as we know it sortof crumbled, and money has been incredibly tight for us--it's a struggle to simply make utility payments, let alone take $500 to go on a trip for 4 days. When Justin lost his job, he wasn't up front with his parents, even paying them back with our last $40.00 for something he had his mil pick up for me for Christmas--and the measley $200.00 I was able to save out of my bonus for an emergency or the trip had to be used for survival. So, they don't know that we were really struggling and still are--and, frankly, it seems like it can only get worse with gas at $3.15 here and $7.00 in our checking account. Bills are paid...but....you see my dilemma? There's simply nothing left and there won't be. The trip isn't really important to me (especially in light of our financial situation)--it's seems like a cruel irony to travel to see such wasteful oppulence when we are as poor as we are--but it's important to them and they wanted the "girls" to go together. I feel terrible about letting them down.
I KNOW that I really can't afford to go--it just doesn't make any sense to put ourselves behind for a frivolous weekend. So, these are all my reasons and it's always been this way--we just don't live like them--my sweet sil's husband is a stock broker, and both mil's are retired and their husbands still work. We both work and live so pared down that if there isn't any extra now, there won't be ever :)
I know what I need to do, I just need the courage to do it. Send me some courage, won't you?
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Feb 20 2008 : 5:13:56 PM
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Oh Jonni!!! Be strong farmgirl!!! You will be alright. I applaud you for not being frivolous and actually caring about your state of affairs instead of running off and pretending to hide. If they can't understand or make you feel uncomfortable about it, then would that trip with them really be for fun...or is it just because you can keep up with their lifestyles? Honesty is the best policy. I know you have the strength and the right words for them.
And believe me, with my insane family over the years, I have learned to let them know upfront about whatever. Once I really started doing this, I found out the truth about my crazy family.
Cheers,
Heather
FARMGIRL #90 |
Edited by - catscharm74 on Feb 20 2008 5:15:04 PM |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Feb 20 2008 : 6:46:40 PM
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Jonni- I agree- You really wouldn't enjoy the trip being as tight on liquid cash as you are right now. I totally understand as Doug and I are often in this situation as well. You could let them know by couching it in terms of the economy like "Jus and I are both feeling the pinch in our paychecks with this slump in the economy, and while we would love to go with you on this upcoming trip, we just can't justify the expense when we really should be using that money to pay the bills" If that doesn't work, you could always fake a horrible cold/migraine ;)
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
Please come visit Nora and I our our new blog:
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com |
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Phils Ann
True Blue Farmgirl
1095 Posts
Ann
Parsonsburg
Maryland
USA
1095 Posts |
Posted - Feb 21 2008 : 05:46:05 AM
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Sending courage your way, Jonni! It does take courage to not go along with the flow, but it would make you more unhappy in the long run to do what isn't best for you and Justin. Sending you a big hug...
Ann
Sairy Hill Thicket
There is a Redeemer. |
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BarefootGoatGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1495 Posts
Corrine
North Carolina
USA
1495 Posts |
Posted - Feb 21 2008 : 05:59:57 AM
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It's so hard to tell our families that we are BROKE. Either we feel like they will look down on us and think we are asking for a handout or gush with smothering sympathy. You're going to have to tell them one way or the other. Be strong girl, you can do it. I am sure if you think on it, you'll find a way to do it in a way that is non-threatening to everybody.
What we write today slipped into our souls some other day when we were alone and doing nothing.
-Brenda Ueland
http://quilandneedle.blogspot.com/
http://musingandmuttering.blogspot.com |
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Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Feb 21 2008 : 06:18:24 AM
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You can do it, girl. What Alee said sounds good to me. It's just the honest truth. It doesn't make you sound like anything except like most of America today - honest working folks who are struggling to make ends meet. But we put one foot in front of the other every day and keep on doing it. And if we didn't, where would the stock brokers be????
Farmgirl Sister #50
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?"
'Br.Dave Gardner' |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Feb 21 2008 : 06:21:18 AM
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Thanks so much, girls. I like Alee's thought--it's how I feel, and it isn't "untrue"...Corrine, you're exactly right about feeling like they will look down on us--I tend to think they think we'r paupers, and that we live a strange life. Noone has said that, but we are singled out sometimes by statements like, "why don't you just sell your house "as is" and try to find another instead of fixing it up". Well, the reasons we DON'T do that are legion!! One being, we really like where we live.
We really don't have the same values (or tax bracket), not that their values are wrong, just different. And, I DON'T want them to offer to pay for me. It's not going to break my heart to not be able to go, and Justin and I have goals this year that I'm actually looking forward to--beekeeping, new garden beds, working on the house--all of which are beneficial to "us" and our future and our "now", as Ann mentioned.
It won't do me any good to go and blow money we don't have and then come back home and scrimp and be frustrated again. So. I'm calling today to speak to mil#2, Jane, who I can actually talk to without feeling like a hobo.
You girls are just the absolute best--I feel so much better about my decision.
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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CabinCreek-Kentucky
True Blue Farmgirl
8529 Posts
Frannie
Green County
Kentucky
USA
8529 Posts |
Posted - Feb 21 2008 : 06:29:22 AM
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jonni .. we have NOTHING to lose and EVERYTHING to gain .. by being honest with our families. and as the other olde sayin' sez: "The TRUTH will set you free." Except in rare occasions, Our families love us the most .. and don't want to see us hurting .. i'm sure they will be there for you if you just sit down with them and tell them that you are in a little financial 'valley' at this time in your life. But that you will be on the mountain top again someday. Just about everyone has had to 'count pennies' at some point in their lives .. and i believe they will understand.
If they do offer to chip in and treat you to this trip .. BE HONEST again .. if you truly feel you would not be happy .. thank them graciously and tell them how you feel about not accepting their sweetly offered gift. But consider also, going and having a wonderful time .. KNOWING .. that someday .. you will 'pay it forward'. (I LOVED THE CONCEPT OF THAT MOVIE!) There are always many, many people in 'more need' than are we .. and we wouldn't think twice about offering to help them. I honestly believe that if all is well between you and your families .. that you could go and have a wonderful time and make great memories.
I believe that life is short .. grab every opportunity to genuinely make warm memories with families and friends. (THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES ON ANYONE'S 'TOMORROW'). But be honest with yourself as to whether or not you can do this. Better to be honest and stay at home if you are going to feel like a 'charity case'. Even BETTER i believe to accept their gift .. knowing it comes from love.
And remember .. it is important to not let their reaction 'bother you .. hurt your feelings .. or make you angry'. This is simply THEIR way of hearing and reacting. Accept their 'response' with GRACE. (GOD LOVES GRACE)
Ask yourself .. WHAT IS THE WORSE THING THAT CAN HAPPEN IF WE TELL THEM THE TRUTH?? (this is a little experiment called: AWFUL-izing!!) IF you can live with the 'worse thing that could happen' .. it makes it actually EASY to do whatever we were fearful of.
NOW .. ask yourself: "WHAT IS THE WORSE THING THAT CAN HAPPEN IF WE DON'T TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS SITUATION?"
OH BOY ... i guarantee .. that list will be a LOT longer and harder to deal with than the 'truthful' path.
WE ALL SEND OUR 'COURAGE' .. but i PROMISE the 'truth' is on god's side .. and will be a LOT easier than you ever dreamed of!
and, to answer a question you once asked me: "noooooooo .. i'm not a preacher" (i'm not RELIGIOUS .. i do believe i'm very 'spiritual' though .. i do believe there is a 'god' .. i do believe (and honor) that we each find our own path towards whatever .. whoever we perceive as GOD. for me personally ... GOD is LOVE .. TRUE AND PURE LOVE.)
.. i've just lived a long life and have been blessed to learn from my life's lessons. i am a firm believer that 'paying it forward' .. sharing what i have personally learned on this journey is one of my personal missions in this thing called 'life'. REMEMBER ALWAYS .. that this is MY personal truth .. and if that truth helps "one fainting robin unto his nest again" .. that is what my GOD wishes me to do.
Now remember .. consider asksing yourself those two questions above .. then, with love, speak to all the parents.
we love you miz jonni! hugs, frannie
IF I CAN STOP
ONE HEART FROM BREAKING --
I SHALL NOT LIVE IN VAIN;
IF I CAN EASE ONE LIFE THE ACHING --
OR COOL ONE PAIN --
OR HELP ONE FAINTING ROBIN
UNTO HIS NEST AGAIN --
I SHALL NOT LIVE IN VAIN.
Emily Dickinson
True Friends * Frannie
HEAR MY STORIES
come, visit my:
"GATHERING ROOM" ..
http://freedomvalleyfarm.blogspot.com
adopt a 'rag-chile'
http://sistermercysfoundlinhome.blogspot.com
treasures .. new and olde .. up for adoption:
http://mudpiemanormercantile.blogspot.com
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Edited by - CabinCreek-Kentucky on Feb 21 2008 06:38:54 AM |
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CabinCreek-Kentucky
True Blue Farmgirl
8529 Posts
Frannie
Green County
Kentucky
USA
8529 Posts |
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Sitnalta
True Blue Farmgirl
4208 Posts
Jessica
NJ
USA
4208 Posts |
Posted - Feb 21 2008 : 11:18:06 AM
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HI Jonni,
Just wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I know almost exactly what you are feeling..almost. We are in the same boat financially. (These days who isn't!) and not everyne understands. It is hard to admit in myself that somethings that I think are normal for everyone are really a luxury for us, especially when other people feign to be hurting for money and really aren't.
Keep your chin up and God will give you strength to your task and His words will come out of you to talk to your family.
Farmgirl HUgs!!
Jessie
When life sends storms, remember to dance in the rain!
www.theSouthernBelle.etsy.com |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Feb 21 2008 : 2:17:57 PM
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Jonni, All the girls are right, the truth is the best way to go. You know, if you don't be honest and just state the truth now, it is going to go on forever trying to make up excuses for this and excuses for that. It will be very freeing and make you feel so much more at ease. Being honest about things like this just makes life so much easier. You are who you are period. You and Justin have your own ideas and priorities for your life and what you want to do to make you the happiest. Follow your hearts desire and that will bring you joy. You may get a few that are going to says things or offer unwanted help but just go with what you are comfortable with. The trip would be lovely I am sure. But,not if you are in debt up to your ears because of it.If someone really wants to pay I agree with Frannie think about it,and then do what you feel is right. I know you have the courage to tell them the truth and I know you will feel so much better afterwords. Good luck honey.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Feb 21 2008 : 4:32:35 PM
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Well, girls, I got up my courage and called my mil#2 and.....left a message for her to call, and she hasn't called back yet--so, I'm keeping my courage up. I know what I have to do and I'm sooo happy that you understand my thinking--I knew that I would find "sane" and sage advice here.
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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Leezard
True Blue Farmgirl
950 Posts
Elizabeth
Novi
MI
USA
950 Posts |
Posted - Feb 21 2008 : 5:15:14 PM
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You can do it hon! I know it's difficult to own up to problems like this. I had to do it with my parents and it ended up working out much better than I'd imagined. I was so scared and cried about it for a week or so before I told them because I just don't like that feeling like I've failed and I'm letting them down...it's just hard! But, from my experience, it generally works out so much better in the end, not only with you feeling better but many times with the person you're "confessing" to. I'ts also good for you to be up front with this asap so they can make any changes they need to in their plans with you not going. Keep your chin up!
http://ruby--slippers.blogspot.com/
www.leezard.etsy.com |
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sleepless reader
True Blue Farmgirl
1022 Posts
CA
USA
1022 Posts |
Posted - Feb 21 2008 : 7:51:50 PM
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Jonni, I'm forwarding you courage, but I don't think you really need it. You sound as if your prioritites are set (right) in your head and heart. You've got your hubby's support. What more could you ask? Good luck and here's to hoping that the rest of the family can accept your decision with compassion, not judgement.
Sharon
Farmgirl Sister #74
Life is messy. Wear your apron! |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Feb 22 2008 : 06:10:33 AM
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Don't be afrad to admit it --- that's the first step to fixing it and if they can't deal with it that's to bad.
Right there with you honey! (We are in the middle of taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University by the way and if you can find classes near you I highly recommend it! NOT FUN but good! http://www.daveramsey.com)
Hugs
Holly
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
http://timsarmywifey.blogspot.com
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2899 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2899 Posts |
Posted - Feb 22 2008 : 07:41:33 AM
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| Jonni |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2899 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2899 Posts |
Posted - Feb 22 2008 : 07:45:10 AM
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Jonni
If you go on that trip, you will be thinking about your bees & raised beds the whole time.. I too vote for the truth. If they are going to judge you based on your income potential.. well, that says it all.  You are such a smart creative giving person(as is Jus) & I am sure that is why they want your company(you probably make the party ), but if they truly care about you they will understand. 
Tell them after you makes millions on your bees, you will take them all there |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Feb 22 2008 : 07:51:52 AM
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I feel so empowered! You are all so wonderful to help me do this. I have just been feeling dreadful--not about our situation, though. It's like Jessie said, many folks are in the same boat. It's my pride, I suppose--they know we're "different" and don't say too much about it, and I have no problem admitting to your girls or to my mom that money is tight, but to his parents it's another story. Lisa (Nubidane) knows that Jus's family lives in the "pricey" part of Cincinnati, and it's just difficult to overcome feeling like a hobo.
Well....pride goeth before a fall, right?
And Lisa, I like your way of thinking, girlie! If we ever make a mint on bees, I'll be taking people to Monticello to see Jefferson's gardens!!!!
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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Peanut
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jennifer
Waverly
Virginia
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Feb 22 2008 : 08:02:37 AM
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Jonni, I think you should take a lot of pride for living within your means and not going into debt for trips and expensive purchases. So many people who we see as well-off financially are really in debt up to their eyeballs! (I'm not saying that's your family's situation, but it's the case for lots of people)
"What is a farm but a mute gospel?"
Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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levisgrammy
True Blue Farmgirl
9388 Posts
Denise
Beavercreek
Ohio
USA
9388 Posts |
Posted - Feb 22 2008 : 5:43:35 PM
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Jonni,
You have had some real good advice. I applaud you for not going through with spending that will only put you further in debt.
farmgirl sister #43
Kind hearts are gardens
Kind thoughts are roots
Kind words are blossoms
Kind deeds are Fruits
www.torismimi.blogspot.com
www.torisgram.etsy.com |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2008 : 08:31:35 AM
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We've been to Monticello and to Giverny(Monet's home and gardens)! They were both beautiful and interesting (although we went to Monticello in the winter and Giverny in summer). Definetly worth saving up for!
Hugs!
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
http://timsarmywifey.blogspot.com
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2008 : 12:10:31 PM
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Well, I talked to MIL #2, who is most reasonable, and she totally understood. She said that all of the things I mentioned that were going on have happened to her--that she's having difficulty even paying for her portion of the trip because she's been layed off (she's a union electrician). But, it's out now, and I feel soo much better about telling them AND my decision. You girls made me feel "right" about it and it was so good to hear that from you. I didn't want to let anyone down, but we would just be too miserable if I went!!!
So, thanks for the pat on the back and giving me the courage to speak up.
J
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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miss wilma
True Blue Farmgirl
3410 Posts
Wilma
Knob Lick
Ky
USA
3410 Posts |
Posted - Mar 02 2008 : 2:48:39 PM
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Sweet Jonnie, I have had so much going on I hadnt read this and feel like I have let you down, but just want you to know I knew the first time I saw you that you were A VERY BRIGHT girl, you just follow your gut feelings and you will know exactly what to do, Hey, I dont know many of us that are boiling over with money,and if the parents cant see what you allready have just play NO--9, That will shake the duds off of anyone, Love you little one
Farm Girl #96
http://www.picturetrail.com/misswilmasplace
http://misswilma.blogspot.com/ |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Mar 02 2008 : 3:18:48 PM
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Jonni- I am so glad your chat with MIL went so well. I know it was a daunting task, but living outside your financial situation is never good. You and Jus are doing awesome by trying to live within your means. :D Maybe you can enjoy a quite weekend with the dogs and a good book instead :D
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
Please come visit Nora and me on our new blog:
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com |
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CabinCreek-Kentucky
True Blue Farmgirl
8529 Posts
Frannie
Green County
Kentucky
USA
8529 Posts |
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Family Matters: Why is telling the truth to family so difficult? |
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Why is telling the truth to family so difficult?
