| Author |
Holidays:  Thinking about Christmas  |
|
|
Jana
True Blue Farmgirl
482 Posts
Jana
Eau Claire
Wisconsin
USA
482 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 08 2005 : 8:53:41 PM
|
Ok, its early, but I'm already getting bothered about Christmas. And Thanksgiving, for that matter. My husband and I generally spend the holidays with his family as my parents have passed and the rest of the family is a ways away and don't seem to have the interest to be part of the holidays with us.
Anyway, I really dread these holidays. My inlaws are wealthy and its all about gifts and money for the holidays. And they are really insistant that we participate. My husband really doesn't have a relationship with his siblings, the only time we see them is on holidays at his parents house, so it is hard to even come up with ideas for gifts for the kids, and we end up sitting there and not talking. The TV is blaring and the whole thing is miserable.
The religious aspect of Christmas is not doable as we don't share the same faith amongst us.
On top of that, my husband's oldest brother is his employer! They give more extravagant gifts to our kids than we do theirs, because they can, we cannot. (Adults don't exchange gifts, my husband and I just cannot afford it).
Anyone with suggestions out there? I faked the flu last year, so its not an option. Could always pray for a blizzard, I guess...
Jana in WI  |
|
|
Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - Aug 08 2005 : 9:02:23 PM
|
How about just some upfront honesty and say "We're going to try something different this year and just have the holiday for the two of us" or "for our immediate family". Then do what pleases you. Some of the most meaningful holidays occur when one volunteers to serve a meal at a homeless shelter or to be of service at one of the non-profit agencies in town, or be involved in your own church activities. If it's a painful experience for you to go there, then don't subject yourself to it. Certainly your husband and his employer brother can come to terms about this without him being offended. Be pro-active. Discuss options with your husband now so that the whole thing can be eased into and no one is shocked.
**** Love is the great work - though every heart is first an apprentice. - Hafiz
Set a high value on spontaneous kindness. - Samuel Johnson****
|
 |
|
|
Whimsy_girl
True Blue Farmgirl
576 Posts
USA
576 Posts |
Posted - Aug 08 2005 : 9:35:42 PM
|
There is a fantastic book called the simple living guide with an entire chapter on this subject. You should check it out and look at some of the alternatives they have to celebrate a more meaningful less commercial holiday.
On a similar note to your post, My husbands family, while they are middle classers just like us, they charge up their credit cards to go way in over their heads every year and just pour the gifts on all of us. It is a lovely gesture, but they also out do us with the kids, and furthermore we feel awful because they go into ginormous amounts of debt to do so. Last year we tried just not going to their place, so on top of paying for all kinds of gifts, knowing full well that we wouldn't be traveling to see them, they spent a bunch on shipping to send it all to us.
Sometimes the family thing is rough, they swear every year that this is the last year they are going to do it, but then they get carried away the next year... 4 years and counting...
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
|
|
|
KarenP
True Blue Farmgirl
666 Posts
Karen
Chippewa Falls
Wisconsin
USA
666 Posts |
Posted - Aug 09 2005 : 03:42:24 AM
|
Jana,
I know where your coming from, I would rather just get together for a meal and conversion with my family and my husbands.
None of us need anything and don't really spend enough time together to each others wants etc.
My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, which is always at my house, no gifts just a dish to pass.
KarenP
"Purest Spring Water in the World" |
|
|
|
lurban
True Blue Farmgirl
61 Posts
Vermont
61 Posts |
Posted - Aug 09 2005 : 06:40:58 AM
|
| I understand your dilemma -- I face it too. How old are the kids in question? |
|
|
|
grammy-o
Farmgirl in Training
25 Posts
Lisa
Greenville
WI
USA
25 Posts |
Posted - Aug 09 2005 : 09:53:49 AM
|
We always have a family Christmas the first weekend in December because my family is spread all over. We decided to have all the kids under 18 pick names. The adults, no matter which generation, that want to can put their names in to pick names if they want.There is still plenty of time to get your family to do that and get the shopping done. As family, they should understand the financial impact that might have on you. If there is at least one person in the family that you can discuss it with and maybe as a joined force you'll have a better chance. My ex-inlaws used to be the same way until I talked to my sister-in-law about it and she "secretly" informed me they were broke too. She loved the idea and she was the one that brought it up.
Let's keep FARM LAND as FARM LAND! |
|
|
|
FarrarFarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
330 Posts
Lynda
Frohna
Missouri
USA
330 Posts |
Posted - Aug 09 2005 : 2:07:48 PM
|
We don't have the competition that you are dealing with, but we have a very large family and everyone is pretty much on the same financial level as the other. So in order to allow for fun and still give a gift, we play rob your neighbor for the adults. Any kids who are 8th grade and younger all draw names.
For the rob your neighbor game each guy brings a guy gift and the gals bring a girls gift. About three years ago we all decided it was getting harder and harder to buy gifts so we made the decision that the gifts had to be homemade. That opened up a wide variety of ideas. Some of us like to work with wood, some are sewers, some made wreaths, for some of the guys they put together snack coolers which included deer sausage from hunting season. It has made it so much fun and much more creative and suspenseful. Everyone is not as craftily inclined so they usually have the more creative gifts and some have truly surprised us all - including themselves -with the talent that is hidden within.
For our meal it is all potluck. And we hold it at the school so there is a small kitchen to work in, a gym for the kids (and kids at heart) to play in, the rest will gather around the tables and either play a board game or cards.
It's nothing fancy, nothing elaborate, but very family centered and easy on everyone's budget. This is something that you could do with just your immediate family. Decide what is more important for your family and how their memories of the holidays will be created. It's no fun looking back on the holidays as your kids grow up and dread a time of year that can be some of the most precious times you have together. Don't let your extended family steal that away from you or your kids. Set the standard and maybe they will also follow suit and the memories you and your family will have will be cherished forever.
Once again I have rambled on, but time is too short to let one holiday set the tone for the rest of the year or any other family gathering. Start from within and it will ripple out, just like when a stone hits the surface of the water. It takes alittle while, it's gentle, but it does spread. I pray this will be of some help for you and give you some ideas that you can incorporate into your family to create some new traditions that will leave lasting memories.
More importantly above all else, commit the whole situation to prayer. God bless you and give you the wisdom and strength to do what is necessary for your family.
In His hands,
Lynda
Pray in faith and you will not live in doubt. |
|
|
|
therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Aug 09 2005 : 3:18:00 PM
|
Jana -- I can totally relate to what you saying!!! If I shared the Christmas stories involving my in-laws we'd be here until next Christmas. Even though they don't have money, they like to give like they do. And my husband's mom only shops at Nordstrom. So that's the kind of gift she expects back. Well about 2 years ago I decided enough was enough. I'm going to give what I can afford and give it from the heart. If they don't like it then that is their problem and they can do with what they want. Steve's parents always want to have their get together on Christmas Eve which means that we can't go to church or be with some of our grandkids. So last year we took a stand and told them we wouldn't be with them for Christmas Eve and were going to spend it with my oldest daughter's family and start our own family tradition. Steve's mom was livid! We saw her on Christmas Day and she was just stinky the whole time. But we also had the best Christmas Eve we've had in years with just us, our kids, and grandkids. We all drew names, set a limit of $10, and you had to make the gift. So it was worth it to put up with the flack. It's just too bad that this wonderful holiday has to be like this for so many families.
I totally agree with Clare's suggestion of starting your own family tradition by having Christmas at your home. I have chosen to not be with my in-laws anymore at Christmas. It is way too stressful for me. Not to mention that I don't want my daughter growing up thinking that Christmas is dysfunctional -- and that is what she sees at her grandparents. My husband just goes to see them on Christmas Day sometime and that's fine with me.
"If you are lucky enough to have a garden, you are lucky enough!" |
|
|
|
bramble
True Blue Farmgirl
2044 Posts
2044 Posts |
Posted - Aug 09 2005 : 8:44:02 PM
|
When we were first married we had both sides of the family to visit and it could be difficult. We started alternating holidays and that eleviated some of the pressure.Granted everyone is within an hours drive but being in two places on the same day was too much. Christmas Eve was always at the inlaws but it became too much when the grandchildren started coming. My husband finally said what his sister couldn't, "These kids need to be asleep in their own beds on Christmas Eve and start their own traditions, you are welcome to join us!" All of his siblings attend different churches than their parents yet we were all expected to trudge off to midnight service with our little ones in tow! From that year on we went to 7:00pm service at our church and had a buffet type supper when we returned and anyone was free to join us. It took awhile but they finally got the message and agreed that it made more sense. The other thing we did that worked was to invite everyone to our house for brunch and then rotate from year to year. I have a friend whose family gets together the weekend after Christmas so they can all celebrate in their own homes, in their own way and I think often how wise that is.
I know some of your concern is that you do not enjoy the visits yourself , but what about your children? I have an only child so that is something I think about very seriously before I want to stop going all together. These people are his family and he loves them even though I may have some issues. They will be his family connection when I am gone so I am leary of breaking that tie completely. Sadly, my husband would have walked away from them years ago(for valid reasons) but I am the tie that still connects us all and they are his family. My family consists of a few uncles and aunts and many cousins scattered to the four corners, so they are not a viable option although we do all try to get together in the summer and/or Christmas for a family reunion type weekend that is usually quite nice. When my Dad was still alive we would sometimes start the day with him and finish with my inlaws, it was quite the juggling act, but it seemed fair. He also liked coming to us because it meant less work for him and as his health worsened there wasn't alot he could do.
Another thing we have found that works for us-- When a topic of conversation goes too far over the line for us to bite our tongues any longer , we grab our coats and ask all the kids if they want to go outside. It usually is a very good diffuser and the one time a brother in law made a comment about whether "we could stand the heat" my husband replied very evenly "Actually I was attempting to avoid having a confrontation with you , but I see you've already made a spectacle of yourself". Needless to say, when we go outside , there are no more rude comments when we come back in!
As for gifts...you could always do what one of my sister in laws did-- She gave each family a card that said a chicken, sheep, goat, cow had been donated from our families to Heifer International and she hoped that each of us would find the spirit of giving to a less fortunate village a true expression of this season of giving. Some people actually shook their heads in disbelief but I gave her a big hug and said what a great idea it was. My mother in law actually said (out loud!) "She would appreciate no further gifts of livestock be given in her name".
See, you are not alone in weird relatives that you must learn to cope with, (or not) for the sake of you and your family. I wish you wisdom and peace with whatever you decide.
with a happy heart |
|
|
|
westernhorse51
True Blue Farmgirl
1681 Posts
michele
farmingdale
n.j.
USA
1681 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2005 : 06:36:56 AM
|
Jana, you got very good heartwarming advice from people. All of it makes sense. Be honest with yourselves and you can be honest w/ everyone else. Spend this christmas as you wish, as it feels right in your heart, then you cant go wrong. Michele
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
|
|
|
Jana
True Blue Farmgirl
482 Posts
Jana
Eau Claire
Wisconsin
USA
482 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2005 : 7:58:27 PM
|
Thank you to all who responded! I feel a little calmer knowing that others go through the same thing as we do! My daughter will be past 18 this Christmas, so technically she will not be getting gifts from aunt and uncle's family. That is our cut off for giving to kids. So, the ones I will be buying for is a 15 year old boy and a 12 year old girl. I think we are going to play some sort of version of "rob your neighbor". I suggested that to inlaws and they thought it sounded fun. Limit: each person who wants to play brings a 10.00 gift. Whew! Thats half the battle right there. Still a few hurdles, but this definitely helps! Thanks!
Jana |
|
|
|
Morning_Dew
Farmgirl in Training
17 Posts
Karen
cottageville
sc
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2005 : 08:04:26 AM
|
that is a delema. maybe start a new tradition have a home made christmas at you home and make sure it is understood that all gifts be handmade and each pick one name out of a hat to make something for that person.even incoroprate some of each faith from you and your husband and his family, it maybe the one fun christmas memory for all the kids even the ones that are not quite kids any more.
christmas is not the getting or the giving its the sharing and the love. maybe i'm just strange but think back to your most memorable childhood christmas. was it the gifts that are remembered the stress, i remember one year we had very little my grandparents raised me and three of my cousins. i got a handmade teddybear that went every place i did. he was made with love, and he was loved till there was nothing left but a few strips of worn cloth. all us girls got one that year. it is the christmas that i cherish most in my heart.
every gardener should make time for the humming BIRDS and honey BEES, stop and smell the flowers. |
|
|
|
KarenP
True Blue Farmgirl
666 Posts
Karen
Chippewa Falls
Wisconsin
USA
666 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2005 : 11:06:13 AM
|
Karen, I think that's a wonderful Idea for a homemade Christmas.
I usually try to make something for if something comes to mind.
But we could all get involved, I'll have to bring that up with my family.
Or maybe if we forgo the gifts we could do some type of craft Christmas Eve with the nieces and nephews and grand nieces and nephews.
Something they could make and take with them so the still have something to take home.
I'll have to run some ideas by everyone.
Thanks
KarenP
"Purest Spring Water in the World" |
|
|
|
Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2005 : 10:23:38 AM
|
Ignore this, it will be deleted.
**** Love is the great work - though every heart is first an apprentice. - Hafiz
Set a high value on spontaneous kindness. - Samuel Johnson****
|
|
|
| |
Holidays: Thinking about Christmas |
|
Thinking about Christmas
