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Across the Fence:  Not sure what to do...  |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 24 2007 : 9:44:34 PM
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I used to be best friends with this one lady for about ten years. Her daughter and mine (both age 11) were also best friends. The mother and I had a falling out a year and a half ago, and we are no longer friends. (I ignore her existance if I can, but will be civil to her in public if necessary.)
Her daughter and mine had cooled their relationship as well. (This girl blamed all of her mental drama/issues on mine, hence the falling out.)
This girl keeps reaching out to my daughter to be friends again. My daughter wants to be friends with her too, but knows I disapprove of it. (I know if I "ban" the friendship, it will make both girls more determined to be friends again.) BUT I am not going to tell her No either. I have just advised her that I strongly discourage the friendship, and don't want another melodrama like the last round with them.
Lately, this girl seems obsessed with my daughter's clothes and makes mean remarks about them. (My daughter has her own um, "style" which I love about her!)
This girl does this all in the guise of "trying to help" but is really just being mean to my daughter.
My daughter says she is all done with this girl one minute, but they are friends again the next minute. Tonight at dance class, she made some other snide remark about my daughter's clothes.
(Yes, she is even in the same dance class as my daughter. Despite my efforts to try to keep them apart. We have switched studios starting tomorrow, and got a better opportunity out of the deal! AND I don't have to raise my already high blood pressure due to the stress of the situation. A win-win situation)
I told my daughter the following two things:
1) She needs to ask this girl why she is so obsessed with my daughter's clothes. I shop at the same stores this girls mother does, so it isn't like they are nasty hand me downs that are thread bare.
They are clean, and while some may be from a thrift store, so are this girls' clothes. Her mother is many things, including practical and thrifty.
2) I told her to ask this girl if she is just naturally mean, or does she have to try at it?
I know the last one is a little petty, but my daughter's feelings are hurt, and she said she couldn't think of her own come back.
I will preface this with the fact that my daughter is probably the most genuinely kind person I know. She truly is.
This girl has always been sneaky, and manipulative. I have her figured out, but she fools most other people including my daughter. (I had a "friend" just like her growing up.)
I am so frustrated at this point, I would love to give this kid a tongue lashing on my daughter's behalf, but I know I have to let her fight her own battles.
Oh, the preteen years, gotta love them. 
What would you do if this were your little girl?
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Sep 24 2007 : 10:08:56 PM
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Kate-
I would explain to her that she is a strong and beautiful young woman and that she should find her own wonderful friends that are supportive and loving towards her. Let her know that you will support her friend ships as long as they really are loving and supportive, even if it turns out to be this other girl (that way she feels supported but you don't have to be supportive unless the other girl really changs her tune)
Also make sure you are seeing the other girl as the girl and not her mom. I know one often reflects the other, but she is her own person, and maybe this is an opportunity for you to reach out to a girl that needs a good role model?
I know this is difficult! *hugs*
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
http://home.test-afl.tulix.com/aleeandnora/ |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Sep 25 2007 : 10:29:31 AM
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Kate to me it sounds like typical teenage girl stuff. I had a friend in HS that did me like this. My parents never said NO you cant be friends but I knew they didn't approve. Still I was drawn to this girl adn she was constantly "breaking my heart" so to speak. Eventually I "saw the light" on my own and cut ties to the relationship. The girl still kept after me and even now emails me about once a year! (I've been out of HS for 11 years) My mom always said I sided with the underdog. My friend and possibly your daughters friend had serious Self Esteem issues. Part of me being friends with her was because I felt sorry for her. Maybe rather than discussing why your daughter SHOULDNT be friends with her you need to get her to talk about why she WANTS to be friends with her. Maybe even begin by making a list of how you know someone is a good friend. Then see if what she feels about this particular friendship fits into that.
My parents could say a million things to me about it everyday but in the end I had to learn on my own.
Felt and Fabric Crafts
www.willowartist.etsy.com
www.willowtreecreek.com
BLOG
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com |
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Carol Sue
True Blue Farmgirl
4033 Posts
Carol Sue
Washingtonian
USA
4033 Posts |
Posted - Sep 25 2007 : 7:23:25 PM
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Ahhhh Kate,
raising our kids sometimes is distressing and knowing what is the wised and best choice in explaining is a challegne as well.
First, if the mother is manipulative, this is the example of relationships and reference point that the daughter has. She may change, she may not.
Explaining to your daughter and nurturing her about the reality of what good relationships are will last her all her life. There are a lot of us, who have "helped" our friends and had to learn the hard way that we cannot fix them. She will learn Mom and you are a good example to her.
Keep going....keep talking.....keep sharing....
Your daughter is a smart girl and she will make discovers because of who you are and have been for her.
Carol Sue
Enjoying life. |
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BlueApple
True Blue Farmgirl
430 Posts
Julia
Oregon
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - Sep 25 2007 : 7:55:12 PM
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Ahhhhhhhhhh girls can be so mean sometimes - I've raised three daughters and have dried more than a tear or two over girls who like to tear someone down in the name of friendship. My counsel to my daughters has always been to try to help them see why a particular girl was being cruel and it usually boiled down to either jealousy or their own self-esteem issues. I had my daughters try to think about what qualities they want in a friendship. A good friend is someone who wants what is highest and best for the other person, someone who brings out the best in them. If you don't feel good about yourself when you're with them...then it's not a real friendship. Hard lessons for teens to learn - and even harder for us moms to see them hurting.
Julia
BlueApple Farm
http://www.homesteadblogger.com/BlueAppleFarm/ |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Sep 25 2007 : 9:11:50 PM
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Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. I too had a friend like this girl in jr. high/high school, and I was trying to save my daughter the heartache I went through. And for the record, I still try to "fix" friends. Haven't saved one yet. I wonder if they try to save me??????? I know a couple are trying to get me married off...LOL!
I do try to see this girl as a separate enitity of her mother. My son and her son are still friends, and I adore him.
Her mother is manipulative but she was never sneaky or downright mean-at least not until the very end when both of our claws came out.
This little girl has major issues, the least of which is she pulls her hair and eyebrows/lashes out as a nervous habit when she is upset. She worries about her weight, and she is tall and very thin.
One of the issues her mother and I fought about was getting this kid some help mentally, instead of burying her head in the sand, and making up excuses.
She tried to say all these problems were my daughter's fault. That being her friend was too hard. (My daughter is very flamboyant, intense and loud at times, but always a joy to be around.) This hit a nerve. How do you blame a nine year old girl for your screwed up kids problems? It broke my daughters heart when she overheard me telling my Mom about it.
My daughter is very beautiful- inside and out. I know I am biased, but grown men have begged her to marry their sons when they grow up. She is a natural beauty, great skin, eyelashes and long hair. She is all leg and very bubbly.
Perhaps this girl is jealous, I don't know for sure, but it would explain a lot.
I think getting her out of the dance class to a totally new studio helped. I didn't want my daughter to have to give up her dance lessons, but for health reasons, I couldn't handle the stress of the situation either.
I think this little girl's "directness" with her nasty comments are the result of her mother. Her Mom is direct. However, her mother understands the difference between being mean and being tactful.
My daughter claims she doesn't want to be friends with her, but here we are again...
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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Across the Fence: Not sure what to do... |
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Not sure what to do...
