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Across the Fence:  The downside to stay-at-home motherhood  |
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SarahJ
True Blue Farmgirl
198 Posts
Shreveport
Louisiana
198 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 05:27:48 AM
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Alright ladies, I need a pep talk.
My husband and I have always wanted a traditional family, and for me to be a stay-at-home mom. We have lived like paupers for years, but we have pulled it off. I have a 5yo and 3yo, both boys. I really believed that this was what was best for my kids, and that it would be good for them in the long run.
Today, I am so having second thoughts. My oldest started kindergarten on monday, and the last two days have been hell on earth in this house. He screams, he cries, he begs not to go. Yesterday, teachers actually had to hold him back so we could leave the school. He cries for at least an hour after he gets there, and is upset all day.
Now, 20 years ago, maybe even 10, we would have all commersated how this was normal, common, and would fade with time.
However, today, ds is the ONLY child in his class that has not been in daycare and pre-k (most at the same school). All the other kids know the routine, and are cool as cucumbers. He is the only one having problems adjusting.
I am so worried that:
1) his emotional problems and displays are singling him out, and hurting him socially
2) His teacher has less patience for him because everyone else knows the drill and he does not. He literally had NO IDEA what school was like, or what to expect (despite my attempts to prepare him), and I am worried she assumes he knows things that he doesn't. All the other kids know how to stand in line, raise hands for the bathroom, etc., and my ds does not.
I really tried to prep him. We've talked about it for months, I bought and read him books about school, I took him shopping and let him pick all his school supplies, uniforms and the like. I really tried.
But, after another morning of him screaming down the house, I feel like an utter failure. All those daycare kids seem better off than mine.
Please tell me that this will get better. I am going crazy.
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doglady
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Tina
Howard
Ohio
USA
435 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 05:39:57 AM
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Hi SarahJ,
First, just take a very deep breath. Is it possible that your son has just turned 5 before school? If this is the case, maybe waiting until next year and putting him in part-time preschool would be better. If this is not the case, would it be possible to try staying for the first hour or so and helping in the classroom? My first son was never in daycare and I cried more than anyone else that first year because of his antics. My son's school years got better when I became involved with his schooling and even did "play roles" with him like playing school.
Hang in there, it does get better.
Tina
The dogs own the house but the people pay the mortgage!
www.kennelcreations.com |
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jcbtxstars
True Blue Farmgirl
77 Posts
Julia C
Midland
Texas
USA
77 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 05:42:19 AM
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This is easier said than done...don't worry. He will be fine. It will take time. He will come around. I'm the momma to 3 boys...well, they are all fine young men now. I can remember swimming lessons for my middle one...the screams and the clinging...the guilt I felt...cuz, everyone else there soooo happy to be there...not mine...
And my youngest...the crying and screaming the first week of school...he did come around...I thought I was gonna die...I survived it as well. You might want to have a nice visit with your little ones teacher...she really should understand what's going on and she should be on board with this adjustment...it is her job...you my dear are not a failure...hang in there...oh, the middle son...was a life guard at summer camp for 3 summers...go figure...
Now take a deep cleansing breath...
Thoughts become things... choose the good ones!
Miss Julia |
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Mumof3
True Blue Farmgirl
3890 Posts
Karin
Ellenwood
GA
USA
3890 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 06:07:35 AM
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You are not a failure. Some children just react that way. Have a talk with his teacher and explain to her everything that you have expressed here, like Julia suggested. She will appreciate it, believe me. When your son comes home, leave any reference to his crying out of the conversation and focus on discussing the good things about his day. He will get over this. I promise.
Hang in there!!
Karin
Wherever you go, there you are.
Come visit me at:
www.madrekarin.etsy.com
www.madrekarin.blogspot.com |
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DeepsouthMamma
True Blue Farmgirl
1454 Posts
Autumn
Southwest Louisiana
USA
1454 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 06:08:57 AM
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Hey Sara,(from another Louisiana girl),
I like you didn't do day care- I WAS daycare.
Only one of mine went throught that and he is 31,now.He & I both made it
I have 5- to make a long story short I just wanted to encourage you about spending those years with your son. He was obviously thriving under your care and that is never a wasted time.
Being a good mom makes it hard for him to leave.
I ended up home-schooling mine -all 5 of em-
My kids have all done well and I am happy to report that they are happy well adjusted adults with homes,jobs and families of their own. Well all except the 2 youngest-13 &17. This is my 24th year of home schooling. Only a few more to go.
Hope your boy does better today. Hang in there and know we are all thinking of you.
Autumn
Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. |
Edited by - DeepsouthMamma on Aug 15 2007 09:14:22 AM |
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sunshine
True Blue Farmgirl
4877 Posts
Wendy
Utah
USA
4877 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 06:18:11 AM
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We have a daughter that birthday is in july which would have made her the baby of the class. WE waited a year we knew she was prepared mentally for school reading and such but we could tell she was more shy and timid than her sisters so we waited one year till she was the oldest and not the youngest much better out come. I am a stay at home mom too it has more in my opinion to do with the kids attitude than it does with having been in day care as mine never attended daycare and did fine he may be just young or he may just really like his mommy. We had a few of those in each of my daughters classes. I also helped ta in her classes which made it easier latter but that only happened after the first month of school when the kids where set into the routine and a parent being there wouldn't distract the kids. My youngest starts school Tuesday she is very outgoing so i don't think she will have a problem. I have seen kids take kindergarten over who where not prepared emotionally for its routine I have also seen some kids that where screams at the beginning of the year be at the head of the class and become teachers right hand in helping the class just comfort and support your child is the best thing let them know they are loved and be early to pick them up so when they come out the class door you are already waiting so they know they are safe that helps too.
have a lovely day and may God bless you and keep you safe
my bloghttp://sunshinescreations.vintagethreads.com/
my web store http://vintagethreads.com/ |
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cabinmoose
True Blue Farmgirl
218 Posts
Lorna
Forest Hill
MD
USA
218 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 06:32:53 AM
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OH sweetie my daughter went through the same thing! She screamed and cried like you would not believe, they had to peel her off of me. She would cling to my legs and wrap her legs around mine and just wail! It was heart wrenching.
Finally she made a deal with me. She would go to school and I had to wait under the big tree in front of the school for her (all day, lol)......
One day when I picked her up she said, we came out to the playground and you were not there. I said, I must of been in the bathroom....lol
She finally said one day about a month into the year, Mom you can go home, you don't have to wait under the tree....
she is 15 now and loves school! Quite the social butterfly!
Hang in there it will get easier!
Hugs,
Lorna
Forest Hill, MD
“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry.
And I know you do the same things too, So we're really
not that different, me and you.” ~Colin Raye |
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Hideaway Farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1553 Posts
Jo
Virginia
USA
1553 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 06:55:57 AM
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Hi SarahJ,
How did it go for your ds today? You've got some great advisers stepping up here, but I wondered about one or two things you said in your post:
1) You said "so WE could leave the school" - does WE include you and your DH, or you and your younger son? Could you switch around the dynamics a bit and let DH take him to school, or have a neighbor or DH watch the younger one so you can take the older one to school for a few days by yourself? Does he get anything special before or after school to reward his big boy status?
2) Are there other stay-at-home parents of his classmates that the teacher could recommend talking to...or could the teacher help your son find a "buddy" in his class whose mom wouldn't mind meeting you out front 5-10 minutes early, so the two kids could go into class together, and make the parting from you a little easier?
3) The teacher should have more patience with kids who are having a harder time adjusting, not less patience. Getting her involved with his adjustment will help everyone in the long run. Assuming she's not a first-time teacher herself, she has been through this with many kids, so she should be able to offer lots of suggestions to help those moms who are going through it for the first time.
4) Most important! You are not a failure, that's obvious from the love and anguish expressed in your posting.
You'll find the right way to help him adjust; and after all, isn't that what parenting is mostly about? Teaching our kids how to handle that big old four-letter word called life?
Do let us know how he's doing, OK?
Jo
"Wish I had time to work with herbs all day!" |
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DeepsouthMamma
True Blue Farmgirl
1454 Posts
Autumn
Southwest Louisiana
USA
1454 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 07:03:53 AM
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Lorna
That was soo funny!!! ((in the bathroom) I am still smiling!!!
I hope Sara has a better day,too. Lots of love and good advice!
Autumn
Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. |
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Marybeth
True Blue Farmgirl
6418 Posts
Mary Beth
Stanwood
Wa 98292
USA
6418 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 07:08:19 AM
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Ist off you are NOT a failure. Remember that. Every child is different and all these ladies have given you valid encouragement. My kids all are in their 30s now and not one went to daycare or pre-school. We lived out in the country, i didn't drive, we had no neighbors. My first was ready to get on that ole school bus when she was 3--but my second was the crier. boy howdy did she cry--but she turned out to be the best student of all 4 kids and still loves school she just finished 2 more years of college and now she is worried about her 2 young ones. Go figure. Patience is what it takes. and listen to what these wonderful ladies have to say apply what you can and follow your heart. MB
www.strawberryhillsfarm.blogspot.com
www.day4plus.blogspot.com www.holyhouses-day4plus.blogspot.com
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!" |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 07:17:41 AM
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AS a former kindergarten teacher (I now teach art) I think this is pretty normal for kids who were not in pre-k. The biggest thing is getting your kids to experience being in situation with out you where they have to interact with other kids. This is especially difficult when most of the kids in class went to pre-k together. They all know eachother so instead of them all being the new kid at school it is really just the few that weren't in pre-k. Your childs teacher has chosen to be a kindergarten teacher and has most likely dealt with this before and knows what to do. I have a few suggestions for you.
1. Do NOT bring your youngest with you when you drop off your son at school. A lot of jelousy occurs because he gets to stay home and stay with you.
2. Do NOT draw out your goodbye at the classroom. Walk him to the door, give him a kiss and be on your way. If you show your feelings of anxiety your child will pick up on it and will feed off of it.
3. Ask your child about some of the kids in class and see about inviting one over after school or on the weekend to help build bonds and give him a "safe person" that he feels comfortable with at school.
4. Let your son know you are proud of him. Reward him on days when he seperates well. Comfort him on the days it was difficult and discuss viable solutions to ease the transition.
For your other son get him involved in play group at your house and at other parents houses so he gets used to be with other kids and gets used to other adults being in charge. You will most likely have an easier time with him anyway because he will look forward to being with older brother when the time comes.
GOOD LUCK!
Felt and Fabric Crafts
www.willowartist.etsy.com
www.willowtreecreek.com
BLOG
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 09:02:52 AM
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I know a lot of kids that have work-outside-the-home moms that do that. But they might do it at day care or preschool instead. I think you have gotten lots of good suggestions, but maybe seeing if you can volunteer as a classroom mom might help or you could try the "tough love" approach and just wait a week and see. He should snap out of it soon. You could also try a reward system- like for every day that he goes to school nicely with out kicking and screaming you could give him a gold star and when he has 5 gold stars he gets a little treat or something.
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
http://home.test-afl.tulix.com/aleeandnora/ |
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mommatracy
True Blue Farmgirl
490 Posts
Tracy
My. Olive
NC
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 09:58:06 AM
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| I was a stay at home mom and ran a business from my home for 27 yrs. My girls occasionally got to stay with a lady in our neighborhood who kept children but usually with their grandmother. They did not go alot but here and there. They actually loved to go because this lady kept her 4 grandkids and they all had a ball playing. Anyway, when it came time to take them to Kindergarten I was more anxious than they were. I walked each one to their class, kissed them bye-bye and they were fine. I know that I was one of the lucky ones because there were a few upset kids who did not want mom to leave. My youngest was such a mommas baby that I was sure she would sling a fit. I cried on the way home both times. My DH's cousins little girl was traumatized when it came time to start school. It was the worst I had heard of. Her mom was a stay at home mom. She was inconsolable. Her mom had to go to the school almost daily to calm her down. She had to be dragged out of the house everymorning and carried into her classroom, she would not walk. This went on the entire school year. That whole family and the teacher were worn out by the end of the year. Ashley is a senior in high school this year and we laugh with her about it now! |
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katmom
True Blue Farmgirl
17161 Posts
Grace
WACAL Gal
WashCalif.
USA
17161 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 10:16:01 AM
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Hey Sarah,
Your not a failure, don't give up & don't give in....his behavior will change as he learns that school is not a threatening place, & that the world does not revolve around him. I no that sounds tough, but as a former pre-school teacher(10yrs), my advice to parents is, be firm, be united, set the foundation & ground rules. Wee ones need structure, comfort and love. Theyu look to us for guidence, even the strong willed ones.
A really terrific book that I read & have recommended over the years to families is "Dare to Disapline" , by Dr. James Dobson. It's a classic, been around for 20yrs and still a great source if information.
There is a follow-up one called, "The Strong Willed Child" (by Dobson) which is also a great rsource.
There is no one set of rules for child rearing, because each child is different, in personality & temperment.
Having worked in a custody facility (Jail) for nearly 17 years, I have even used this method on the inmates, trust me, some inmates are not much different then pre-schoolers.
Don't get me wrong, children are pretty much hedonistic & self centered, which is normal! It is how we train them up, the path we guide them on, the structure we give them, that makes them the wonderful individuals that they have the ability to become. The path is not easy, challenging at best, even filled with tears of frustration, but none the less, a path that needs to be taken.
Hang in there, do not feel inadaquet or like a failure, after all, none of us were issued "How to Rear the Perfect Child" training manuals, if so, can someone please send me a copy!? lol!
Farmgirl hugz & support.
>^..^< Happiness is being a katmom.
www.katmom4.blogspot.com |
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Brew Crew
True Blue Farmgirl
676 Posts
Molly
Arizona
676 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 10:23:09 AM
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Wow, what great advice from everyone. I think the general concensus is that you are doing the right thing by staying with your kids.
I have never had trouble with separation with my kids-- when my oldest started kingergarten last year, when my second started Joy School, or any of them when I drop them off at Sunday School or the Nursery at church. But I have seen plenty who have, and I have often wondered what we might be doing differently? The only thing I could think of is that my kids are VERY used to LOTS of people around. We have an enormous family which we are with almost every day in some form. There are always cousins, aunts, uncles (some who are just a couple years older then their nieces!) around and I wonder if it is easy for me to get "lost" in the crowd, to where they are used to me not being by their side every minute. There's always oppertunities to be around other kids (family) when we drop off to babysit for dr. appointments, grocery runs, etc. I wonder if being around other kids (not in a daycare situation) would help, at least for your younger one? Your 3 year old is the right age to start Joy School, if you could get a group of moms to go in on it with you. I have LOVED it! Also, I loved the idea of finding a buddy for your kindergartner to walk into class with. What about one step further-- finding someone you could carpool with? It's always pretty exciting for my kids to pick up someone else and see their house, and share their car, etc.
Good luck. Keep at it! It will pay off!
"There is a Happy Dale far, far away. . ." -Arsenic and Old Lace |
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katmom
True Blue Farmgirl
17161 Posts
Grace
WACAL Gal
WashCalif.
USA
17161 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 10:30:01 AM
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Oh, & by the way, I applaude you for being a Stay @ Home Mom, you are under paid, over worked and so blessed to be able to spend valuable time with your wee ones. A lot of todays parents would rather have someone else raise their child, change their diaper, deal w/their tantrums, etc. So they use the "I have to work to give my kids a better life/play sports/what ever" When in truth they don't want or feel adaquet in their skills of child rearing.
**That being said, their are families struggling and have no choice but to put their child in daycare/sitters,,,these families are barely able to stay afloat, some even working mulitple jobs. my heart goes out to them.
My sister was a single parent who had to work because she couldn't depend on her ex for monthly child support(he always had an excuse). So we, grammy, my daughter , DH & I just made sure to fill in the gaps for my sister to help her & her daughter, who now is in her 20's and a most wonderful young woman.
In a society today where snooty people think you are not being productive, or contributing, very much are clueless to the major role & great sacrifice you are making! You are training up a human being, nuturing and guiding them to be productive as well as moral & ethical! And your price is your sacrifice of the "finer things in life", you are willing to put your wee ones needs ahead of yourself. That is so awesome!
Be Proud! The greatest job: Motherhood.
hugz,
>^..^< Happiness is being a katmom.
www.katmom4.blogspot.com |
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DeepsouthMamma
True Blue Farmgirl
1454 Posts
Autumn
Southwest Louisiana
USA
1454 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 12:25:30 PM
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Well said,Grace!!!
Autumn
Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. |
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Lavendar fields dreamer
True Blue Farmgirl
1032 Posts
little monkeys mommy
washington
USA
1032 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 1:33:40 PM
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i havent read thru everyones responses yet but we held our daughter back a year because she just wasnt ready for it yet. She was in a preschool program for kids with needs and hers was a social need, she was at a 4 and half year old level instead of 5 and a half. He may not be ready for kindergarten and you might be able to find a program for him that will help him if he is having social anxiety problems. it will make it easier for him to learn if you take care of it now and for us it meant that she wasnt held back. God Bless you and you havent failed. I know how you feel, i have been in your shoes.
lavendar girl |
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Lavendar fields dreamer
True Blue Farmgirl
1032 Posts
little monkeys mommy
washington
USA
1032 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 2:28:41 PM
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wow what a lot of great advice from all ya gals
lavendar girl |
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SarahJ
True Blue Farmgirl
198 Posts
Shreveport
Louisiana
198 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 2:46:45 PM
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I can't thank you ladies enough for your wonderful advice and words of encouragement. Since we live in the country, and are the first of our friends and siblings to have kids, I don't have many people who I can relate to in these situations.
He did much better today! As some of you said, he did better with only Dh taking him to school. He also got a little certificate from his teacher today for "being a big boy and having a good day at school."
I am sure we will still have problems, especially in the mornings, but this was just the ray of hope I needed today. Ds turned 5 in May, so he is at the right age, and he does fine socially in places he is comfortable, like Sunday school. I am hoping that today shows some progress. |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 2:52:32 PM
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Sarah-
I think you hit on the key = comfortable. As he gets comfortable with the school setting, he will settle in! *hugs*
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
http://home.test-afl.tulix.com/aleeandnora/ |
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Brew Crew
True Blue Farmgirl
676 Posts
Molly
Arizona
676 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 4:29:48 PM
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SO glad for the success today! Hope it continues!
"There is a Happy Dale far, far away. . ." -Arsenic and Old Lace |
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Lavendar fields dreamer
True Blue Farmgirl
1032 Posts
little monkeys mommy
washington
USA
1032 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 5:49:38 PM
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great, glad to know its going better. Hope your tommorrow is just as successful
lavendar girl |
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Sweet Harvest Homestead
True Blue Farmgirl
279 Posts
Lindy
Stanfield
NC
USA
279 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 6:29:40 PM
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Sarah,
So glad to hear that he is doing better today.
I know it can be discouraging sometimes, especially when it seems that you are going against the norm. (isn't that something that the norm is preschool and daycare now?)
I went through the same thing with my 7 year old. We home school but he took two classes at a university model school here in town 2 hours a day twice a week. He DID NOT want to go and he cried and my heart ached so bad but time went on and he grew to enjoy his class and teacher.
Lindy
www.sweetharvesthomestead.typepad.com |
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julia hayes
True Blue Farmgirl
1132 Posts
julia
medical lake
wa
USA
1132 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 7:36:46 PM
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Oh, this is so near and dear to my heart! I am first and foremost so happy to hear that your son had a much better day today. I'm guessing he will have his good days and bad days, just like the rest of us. The adjustment for a child entering school where everything is new must be completely terrifying! My son needed me to remind him every single day for weeks and weeks and weeks that I would come back and pick him up. It occurred to me that he was dealing with some abandonment issues..the complete insecurity of having me drop him off with strangers in a brand new environment and somewhere there is this expectation that he should be a big boy and not complain.. in fact he should embrace this brand new thing with happiness and confidence. He was 3 at the time! Give me a break....We expect a lot of our little ones without really intending to. I am completely confident that once the routine of school is established his sense of security will increase and the routine will get easier and easier. The reward system with his teacher was fabulous, although I have always been critical of rewarding children for not crying..for not expressing their fears and emotions... I think this is absolutely essential for children..They need to feel safe and secure in crying and being emotional if that's how they're feeling.. But to reward them for being in class..for being helpful for whatever..some kind of strength is just wonderful! My son starts kindergarten in 2 weeks. We are sooooo thrilled! He is excited but I'm sure a little apprehensive. I'll have to establish the routine all over again.. You just keep at it.. keep that positive attitude..remind him that he's ok...etc.etc... you are doing such a wonderful job...
i sincerely doubt your son will be dealing with any negative social consequences. I have a hunch that one of his classmates will soon seek him out and the two of them will find safety and security in each other. Children are amazing that way. Your son is just fine and he's simply letting you know he's freaked out but he won't be for long..no worry there.
Oh, and you are most definitely not a failure. We all mother in so many different ways now..stay-at-home..full daycare..part-time..etc.. there are many options and many end results....Your consistency..your love..your nurtuing..your confidence...your reassurance...that's all that really matters!!
Good luck and do keep us posted....
Many happy regards,
Julia Hayes
being simple to simply be |
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EllynAnne
True Blue Farmgirl
108 Posts
EllynAnne
Pueblo
CO
108 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 8:42:43 PM
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Hey! When the teacher suggested we keep Gideon home an extra year so he could mature a tad and have an easier time joining the fray known as real school, I about jumped at it. The stress of leaving him in a wrestling hold with a teacher as he was screaming donnnnnnnnnnnnnnt leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! was simply awful. A week or so into this wailing exit, I walked the dog back to the school to comply with the teacher's suggestion, and as I walked the hall, I realized there was the silence of school in session. Peeking into the classroom, I saw him sitting at a little table and working away. Happily. That's when it dawned on me that the scene he was throwing was theater, academy award yet. And I was his audience. A fire can't burn without fuel.
You are likely the very best mother a child could dream of. He'll be fine.
EllynAnne
www.apronmemories.com
Tie One On...an apron, of course! |
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Across the Fence: The downside to stay-at-home motherhood |
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The downside to stay-at-home motherhood
