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Across the Fence:  Why don't men get it???  |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 06 2007 : 8:21:52 PM
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Ok, I am not trying to be mean here or male bash in anyway, but on the long drive to Texas, me and DH have been chatting alot. He understands (or at least is nice enough to respond to me) but the reality is he really doesn't understand. Does that make sense? I have been telling him we need to socialize, in some capacity, because right now it is just us and 90% of the time I am stuck at home with DS. I will be honest here, I love my DS dearly, but lately, being home ALL the time, 24/7 without ever having a babysitter or more than a few hours off (to run errands no less) has been exhausting,draining and I am starting to go nuts. DH would rather watch Nascar or whatever else is on TV and sit around all day. He is a good guy, just not very social. I used to be social but over the past 2 years or so, I lost touch with a lot of people and moved 3 times, so that has hurt alot. But, now that we are settling into something of a real life (please remember, we are a military family, with all it's craziness and it's lifestyle ain't exactly condusive to a settled life and I have forgotten what a normal schedule is) I want to get back on track and DH just doesn't understand why. I like people, I need a break from DH, DS and my life in general, I like to learn new things, hear new stories, visit new places. I think it is just going to come down to the fact that I am going to have to do this on my own but I really need to do this. I tried planning family days but unless I constantly remind DH of what we are doing, he will sleep in or not want to get up and it ruins the whole day. And of course, their is the guilt of actually doing something for myself, which I am slowly working on but it does take time and A LOT of heartache. Ok...
Cheers,
Heather |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Jun 06 2007 : 9:43:37 PM
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Men sure don't think the same way we do. I wish I had answers for you, but I don't. Be sure to do something for you..and don't you feel guilty about it either..you deserve it!!
Jenny in Utah
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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Libbie
Farmgirl Connection Cultivator
3579 Posts
Anne E.
Elsinore
Utah
USA
3579 Posts |
Posted - Jun 06 2007 : 10:01:59 PM
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Heather -- ditto what Jenny said!!! And a farmgirl (((HUG))) to ya' .
XOXO, Libbie
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Carol Sue
True Blue Farmgirl
4033 Posts
Carol Sue
Washingtonian
USA
4033 Posts |
Posted - Jun 07 2007 : 12:19:52 AM
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Heather,
Hang in there. Trying to figure men out, hmmmm been working on that for 24 years with my dh. Still haven't got it down.
Just to let you know, when the kids are young, most of us didn't have a lot of a social life. Yes, you do need to do some things for yourself and by yourself. I wished I had learned the lessons of taking care of myself much sooner than I have. Hopefully teaching my daughter to do what I did not. Taking a break keeps you healthy to take care of your family. If we don't take care of ourselves, it effects every one of our relationships.
My grandma would hide out in the bathroom and give herself a time out. She had 12 kids. I laugh, but not such a bad idea.
Hugs to you and hang in there.
Carol Sue
Life is short, enjoy every moment. |
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Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Jun 07 2007 : 06:00:05 AM
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Heather - Hold on there, girl! Don't let go of all that positive energy from yesterday! :) I just bet, in your new, more rural place you're going to find like minded women to pal around with. I'm not extremely social, either. But I have a couple of 'thrift store' loving gal pals to shop with. And taking care of yourself is very important - if you have to 'do it on your own', it's okay. Not something to feel guilty about. To paraphrase what Carol Sue said with something I saw on a bumper sticker once(probably a woman's car): "If Momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!"
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?" - 'Brother Dave' Gardner |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Jun 07 2007 : 06:56:27 AM
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It may be best to have a heart to heart with hubby. Mine isn't very social either. Nothing wrong with him, he's just a homebody and not motivated that way. Plus, he has always gotten all the socializing he needs from work. So I learned to do it for myself, and he was fine with that. I worked at a whole foods co-op for part of it, and got a reduced price for my groceries. I found new friends through my horses, and we go out together. Many times hubby was home with the kids while I got some needed adult conversation. He liked it better that way too, and the kids discovered that they had more than one parent. It was a win/win.
If he's a homebody and you make a few friends, ask people over for something casual like a barbeque. Then the kids can run in the yard like nuts, and the women can chatter, and if the men all want to watch NASCAR, they can.
Be creative. You can adapt to this. Really.
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jun 07 2007 : 07:50:11 AM
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No loss of positive energy..just more annoyed than anything... :) !!! Seriously, this is a great time for me to start down a new path in life and I feel like his energy is sometimes so negative. If we didn't have our son to worry about, it wouldn't bother me at all. Maybe I need to deal with that guilt first. It's not that I wouldn't trust someone else with my kid, this is my first and last child, so missing out of even an ounce of his life is a big deal to me, yet I KNOW I NEED A BREAK, because, sadly, it has been all me raising him 99% of the time. DH doesn't understand when I tell him I have not had a day or night alone since he was born, not DS fault, but DH sometimes works overnight or deploys, leaving me by myself, no help, no break. Part of the reason for moving to Texas is to get roots down. DH is returning to CA to finish his time in the Navy, then follow us to Texas. People think we are nuts to live like this, but situation as it is, I need to get roots down, meet people, start having a life. I hate CA and it was getting to the point of severe depression over it. Living with DS in Texas by myself for the most part really is no different than the situation in CA, since I was by myself most of the time. At least I would be somewhere I liked. I am thinking of getting a retail job during the day, maybe a garden place or like Mary Ann, a food co-op or something, just to meet like minded people. I know DH doesn't like the situation 100%, but he doesn't sit here like I have for the past 1 1/2 years and have no life what so ever. He at least goes to work and socializes and talks with adults. Wow!! Got off subject, but it is relatable to the original post on why..Thanks for listening...
Cheers,
Heather |
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Love-in-a-Mist
True Blue Farmgirl
367 Posts
Shannon
Independence
Oregon
USA
367 Posts |
Posted - Jun 07 2007 : 08:41:38 AM
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Hang in there! I have felt like that the last 5 years with 2 kids and now all of a sudden I have tons of time to do what I want. Now it seems like it went by sooo FAST and I thank God I spent all the time I did with them. I agree you should take time for yourself, but some situations you just can't get away. I have found peace in the little things like gardening, my animals, a new book, or even a bubble bath.
Sometimes I just have to take a deep breath and change my attitude.
I also want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, for sacrificing your husband and family time for our country. It's truly remarkable what you have to go through and I pray that you can keep it together.
http://love-in-a-mist-shannon.blogspot.com/ |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jun 07 2007 : 08:45:44 AM
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AWW SHANNON!!! You brough a tear!! Really, I enjoyed my time in the Navy and some days miss it and DH loves his job...so it is not that bad- more or less the micromanaging that takes families away from each other for silly reasons that gets to DH and me. It is just hard because of the little one...I am fine on my own...made 2 deployments so no biggie for me...but with a little one, the whole thing changes....Thanks for the words of encouragement...
Cheers,
Heather |
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frannie
True Blue Farmgirl
2246 Posts
fran
bonham
texas
USA
2246 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2007 : 05:54:19 AM
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dear heather,
sorry you are having all these feelings and trust me, you are not alone. oh yea, take anything i say with a grain of salt as i have been unsuccessful for years in figuring out men. hehehehe
anyway, i'll just cut to the chase and tell you what i know/have learned.
dont waste anytime trying to figure them out, if you think you must just find a very sturdy wall and start beating your head against it, it will have about the same effect.
start with the things you can change, and you already know those cause you were very astute at describing it, in other words, yes, get your own life and do the things you want to do as if your husband was doing them with you. he may or may not jump in there eventually with you and participate, but in the meantime you will be doing what is good for your mental health.
if you were my daughter/ sister, first i would give you a big hug and say i'm sorry you are going through this and having these feelings, and yes if your dh would live as you want i think it would be for the best on many levels.
now let me be brutally honest here.
they behave the way they do because they are not women.
they do not like to hear us talk about all this or splain it to them or anything like that , they would rather us be quiet(yes i know how bad that sounds, i am just trying to share the truth as i know it)
sometimes, they do respond to being treated nicer rather than being told what "we" need to do.
i believe that part of my problem with the kind of thing you have described in your post was because i had this kooky idea in my head that i was gonna get some of the closeness that i wanted from my dh that i have since learned that i can only get from my good galpals.
i was trying to turn my husband into a galpal and he just didnt have as my husband puts it"the gear to do the job".
there are some fellows out there that seem naturally to be great companions to women. i have even had some fellows in my distant past that pursued me that i knew had those qualities. but i apparently dont get that spark called "love" for these types.
i think alot of what we women feel lacking in our fellows these days is because we are actually isolated from each other. and i think "in the day" women had a greater connection to each other than we do now.
many of the things we want our men to do/be for us women have traditionally gotten from each other.
i think that is one of the reasons this site is so successful, because it helps us connect with like minded women in a supportive environment.
heather i for one will be thinking of you as you make this move to texas and i hope that it brings to you some of the remedies for the isolation you have been feeling at home. which i must say i think is a part of being at home and not being in the world.
you seem to me to be a very thoughtful and insightful woman, and i for one have read your post at times with awe. i could never do some of the things that you have done, so i know that you are a strong woman who can accomplish many things. please take good care of yourself over the next couple of weeks as you make the move to texas.
rest when you need to, play when you need to and work when you need to.
oh yea, i forgot one thing. when my men that i have had in my life behaved as you described i immediatley thought why dont they want to be with me, what is wrong with me. well, that is always one of the possibilities, but it was wrong of me to attach my feelings to their behaviour. there are many possibilities for why they are behaving as they do, they could be tired, they could be depressed, they might not know what to do(even if you have told them what to do!)
i also want you to know that i dont believe for a minute that your expectations are wrong or bad or out of line, i am just trying to splain to you what i wish someone would have splained to me. it would have saved me alot of worryin' time and i could have been playing instead of worrying about something which wasnt mine to change. i do think men can change, they do it all the time, just not usually the way we want them to, but i have never known one who changes from being told.
love
fran
(http://farmfolks-frannie.blogspot.com/) |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2007 : 07:55:19 AM
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Oh Fran,,,it was like sitting down with some coffee and having a good old chat with ya!! I am not one of the gals who takes everything personally. I like different and insightly points of view. I have been through so much in my life, I don't have time for the drama!!! : )
Yes, I absolutely agree that women do have a special bond and I haven't had that in over 3 years now. I know in my bones when I settle in Texas, I will find some like hearted women. As it is, I feel like a single mom sometimes, DH has a crazy work schedule and when he is here, he is distant. I honestly think he does not know how to be a father, not that it is his fault, but somehow I think he is afraid. He expects our 14 month old to act like a perfectly behaved child yet won't take more the 5 minutes to teach him. As we all know, it takes HOURS, WEEKS, YEARS of repetition for a child to learn. I just can't take care of our son and then have to deal with a husband who doesn't seem interested. I remind him, nicely, that this is his one chance with his son and don't miss it. Sometimes he makes me so mad when he can't even get out of bed in the morning just to be with his family yet when he deploys, no matter if it is a few days or months, he moans and groans how much he misses us. I say that actions speak louder than words, having grown up in a family that was all talk and no action, I know the warning signs. Saying I love you and telling me to get more rest is sweet, but it ain't doing much else. That is the honest truth.
I look at Texas, since it will be just me and my son, as a way for us 2 to start over and if DH will miss us so much, maybe he will change or not. I don't know and frankly, I can't worry about that. We both have stressful lives but he has done some things that make me wonder how much he really wants this family. One, he should have never extended for an 18 months in the Navy. He did this to get a particular school which will not help him in anyway down the road on the civilian side, more or less to prove to himself that he could do it. If he did not extend, he would have been out this coming October, now instead, it is pushed up to February of 2009!!! I think he is scared to get out and I told him, you want to stay, go ahead but I need to get on with my life too. How much can one sacrafice?? I know the deal with the military, I spent 7 years in the Navy. We do the same exact job, so I know when he is telling the truth and when he is glamorizing the situation at hand. My point is, if you want out so bad, why do you go and extend your time??
We could be leaving for Texas together and honestly, I decided why should I put my life on hold because he made a decision that puts him in a situation that he doesn't want anymore? He really made it without me...he told me about it but didn't mention the extension. At the time, I was pregnant and still in the Navy but I got out to take care of our son and go to school and he just signed the dotted line, only thinking of himself. I really need to say he is a good guy in general but tends to put himself first in life and doesn't understand while I get so mad even though I have tried to explain it to him. I am not the arguing type person because I came from a family that yelled and screamed, so I state my case and move on.
Maybe I am scared to move on because ultimately, I may end up moving on on my own. Hmmmm?? The thing is, I am not usually one to hold back in life so why should this be any different. He thinks I should cut back on my school, yet he just enrolled in a Master's program..ie...I don't have time to help you out because once again, my life is more important. I support everything he does, I just want a little respect to come my way. I have finish my Associates in 18 months with a baby at home, full time. This is on top of cooking, cleaning, taking care of the dog, running errands, appointments, etc...I just would like some help and yes I have mentioned this to him and he says "I love you" and that is about all. One of the reasons I donated over 75% of what we owned was to make my life easier. I can't do it all, I ask for help and I still end up doing it all and no I can't live in a dirty, messy house. Not my personality. I don't have family (as you all well know) to depend on, so really it is me and my son in the world. One reason school is so important, so I will be able to support us down the road. That is how I am thinking because I have too.
Ok,,,I have talked long enough...
Thanks for listening..
Cheers,
Heather
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2007 : 11:39:17 AM
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It's such a good thing to be around people. I feel a million times better when I'm surrounded daily interactions with people. Hopefully the light will come on for your dh. And you have to keep at it. I don't know what else to say.
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·. http://boinglink.blogspot.com/ |
Edited by - _Rebecca_ on Jun 08 2007 11:39:39 AM |
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Across the Fence: Why don't men get it??? |
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Why don't men get it???
