| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| GirlwithHook |
Posted - Feb 11 2012 : 3:31:22 PM
Last night, the Mister got into a huge fight with his mother over his lack of a job. She insisted he try fast food--even though he's been a vegetarian for over twelve years and most fast food places are not vegetarian-friendly. He's also terrible at customer service (the last time he was in such a position he had a nervous breakdown).
Anyway, he went totally off the rails. He got roaring drunk, slashed the heck out of his left arm, and started pricing guns. Tonight, he's out with the hussy who is chasing after him.
...Help? Please?
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| GirlwithHook |
Posted - Feb 27 2012 : 11:11:12 AM
Oh, I haven't. I'm not even letting him get away with his bad jokes right now. Hey, somebody has to look out for number 1, right? 
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
| rksmith |
Posted - Feb 26 2012 : 4:07:19 PM
Sounds good that he is making an effort at least. Just don't give in on what you expect. Do not allow yourself to collapse into this moment of joy. I think it is awesome that he is admitting he has issues but it will be a whole lot better once he truly decides to deal with them. Even then though always put yourself first and have a plan if he backslides. Good fortune good fortune.
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
True enlightenment is nothing but the nature of one's own self being fully realised-- His Holiness the Dali Lama
http://madame1313.wordpress.com/ |
| GirlwithHook |
Posted - Feb 26 2012 : 10:22:31 AM
Marlee, Rachel, thank you. I am making plans to escape if he does not change by the deadline I gave him.
The good news is that his behavior has actually improved since I laid down the law. He got frustrated about something the other night and caught himself when he realized he was on the verge of a tantrum. He even admitted yesterday that he's immature--and says he's ashamed of it.
As for his mother--I wish he would cut her out of our lives. He is, however, learning to refocus his energies so she doesn't get him so worked up. (And yes, she IS the kind who always blames everyone else for her problems. You should have heard her at Yule--and heard Ric give her a piece of his mind because he didn't like how she treated me.)
He has even started exercising so that he feels better and doesn't get so stressed. I wasn't expecting genuine changes; I don't think I know how to react!
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
| rksmith |
Posted - Feb 25 2012 : 4:31:31 PM
Alyce, I do hope things improve for you. I can certainly understand having the hope and idea that things will improve, but it doesn't seem that it will especially if things like this have happened before. If his mom gets him so ill like that then why is she even in his life? Definitely don't fall for the apologies, candy and nice words. You've spelled out what you want, make him (and you) stick to it. If things don't change by a set time, hit the road. If things get worse again, hit the road. You can replace a house, belongings heck you can even replace a husband---you cannot replace yourself. ALWAYS put yourself first. There is no reason to stay in a relationship where you are not safe at all times --this includes emotional and mental safety as well. From his actions, it does sound like he definitely needs help and ALOT of it..but it won't do him any good if HE doesn't want to get better **remember that**. You can say all the prayers, light all the candles and he can see all the *best* doctors but unless he WANTS to heal he won't. Stashing a little cash and supplies here and there is always a good idea (even in a good relationship--you never know what kind of situation may come up) and always have a back up plan and a plan C.Keep those who live near enough to help out informed of what's going on and make sure you have someone who can come right away if assistance is needed. I would also suggest that regardless of him getting professional help, you should see a counselor as well. Definitely do not let yourself feel or think that you *have* to be there with him to help him, especially if he doesn't want help. Don't be guilt tripped. As for his mom, I'd let her have it and tell her that she is one cancer that will be permanently cut out of your life (if he doesn't agree with that, hit the road). She sounds like she needs help too but is the type who thinks it is always someone else that has the problem. If I could I'd pop her a good one for you.
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
True enlightenment is nothing but the nature of one's own self being fully realised-- His Holiness the Dali Lama
http://madame1313.wordpress.com/ |
| marlee |
Posted - Feb 25 2012 : 2:28:26 PM
Alyce, one of the ex-wife's of the family member that I was talking about come to see me and told me a bunch of things he had done and she
wanted to get all her stuff and leave. I said does he know she told me no. She worked so that is what I told her to do. She said she couldnt save that much money because he always controlled the money. I told her get a packpack stuff a few pieces off clothes and papers .And I told her to go to the Woman shelter in town. She did. He called for two weeks looking for her. She got the state Police to go with her because he was a former officer with conservation so he kneww all the police here.State police went with her and got her stuff and she divorced him and moved back to her home town. Im glad she did.Happy ending!
I will keep you in my prayers.Hugs Marlee
God is the painter, he paints the picture. And his son builds it, for he is the Master Carpenter! |
| GirlwithHook |
Posted - Feb 25 2012 : 11:16:01 AM
Marlene, that is pure genius. I wouldn't dream of going back alone!
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
| marlee |
Posted - Feb 24 2012 : 12:44:23 PM
Alyce I am praying for you! Take care of yourself first.
First thing is have a bag like a backpack put money in it, and whatever else like important papers and hide where he cant find it incase you need to escape. If you do you can return later to get your other stuff and bring a police officer with you. Explain you are scared to go alone . If you leave never, never ,never go back to get stuff by your self. There is a family member on my husband side just like everyone describes here, and worse. He's been married five times or more,engaged more than that and the women dont find out what he is like until after the ring is on
mental abuse starts , so you stand for your self and take care of you first. Hugs Marlee
God is the painter, he paints the picture. And his son builds it, for he is the Master Carpenter! |
| GirlwithHook |
Posted - Feb 23 2012 : 12:34:23 PM
Thanks Lora!
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - Feb 23 2012 : 11:42:27 AM
Praying for you!
Lora
If it ain't red, leave it in the shed.
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
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| GirlwithHook |
Posted - Feb 23 2012 : 10:29:00 AM
Thank you Amy Grace...my friends and family all know to come running if I call them. I have contacted the Mister's best friend and alerted him to the situation as well (said friend is a very level-headed guy and I wish the Mister would listen to him more often!).
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
| graciegreeneyes |
Posted - Feb 23 2012 : 07:29:54 AM
Hi Alyce,
Evidently I'm out of the loop - I just read this thread. I definitely second everything that Jonni said - I have been in similar relationships over the course of my life and looking back, I can't believe I stayed in them. Just know that we are all thinking of you and take advantage of your support system. I spent 4 1/2 years with my son's dad and I cut myself off from all my friends and didn't let my family know what was going on because I knew I was in a dumb situation and I didn't want them to worry. Don't do that!!
Thinking about you...
Amy Grace
Farmgirl #224
"use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without"
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| GirlwithHook |
Posted - Feb 23 2012 : 06:44:40 AM
Kim, unfortunately I'm medically unable to drive. I told him outright that if he does something that stupid again, I'm calling 911 regardless. All he could do was blush.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
| GirlwithHook |
Posted - Feb 23 2012 : 06:43:06 AM
Joey--yes, I crochet. I've always said that I wasn't born with a crochet hook in my hand, but I should have been. It didn't even occur to me that it might mean "prosthetic" until about three weeks after I joined the forum! Whoops!
Also, your signature is one of my "life guide" quotes.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
| Kim |
Posted - Feb 22 2012 : 4:03:24 PM
Yes, call 911 if you need to. My daughter had to do that when her ex started cutting himself after a fight. he was in the hospital for 72 hours. Get in the car and just drive away of you need to be safe.(((((hugs))))))
Forever farmgirl
Farmgirl Sister #1363
http://midwestmusings-kim.blogspot.com/
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| Joey |
Posted - Feb 22 2012 : 3:55:49 PM
Alyce,
This will make you laugh. I saw your farmgirl name and said to my DH "What kind of hook could she have?" I'm a nurse and so I was thinking like maybe "Captain Hook." I wanted to know how you lost your hand but thought it too rude to ask. TODAY it dawned on me that you meant crochet hook...right? That's what you meant..right? I hope I haven't stepped into anything here...if I have, I'm sorry..but if you meant crochet hook then I thought you could use a good laugh. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
| GirlwithHook |
Posted - Feb 20 2012 : 10:43:09 AM
So far, so good. I am arranging an escape route with relatives if he doesn't shape up.
I grew up in an abusive home, so perhaps that's why I'm taking this far too calmly. (Abuse Victim Syndrome was my therapist's term.) That reminds me, I need to find a good counselor in town here....
Thank you, everyone.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Feb 19 2012 : 7:42:36 PM
Alyce - I send you lots of Farmgirl hugs. I'm worried about you. I think we all are.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Feb 16 2012 : 06:37:30 AM
Both Kathy and Sharon have given you some good advice. And believe me, I know Mister's type--think of this, Alyce. If you'd had a disagreement about who did the dishes last, or why the laundry is never folded, coming to your place of business with a handdog expression and some candy is a good "I'm sorry..." but this guy got rip roarin drunk, cut himself and took off with a woman that you've already voiced an opinion on. I'm just trying to give you a little perspective, that's all.
Without going into a lot of detail, I was in a very abusive relationship for 2 years that started out very much like this one--emotional abuse first, then later, when that stopped working, the physical abuse and mind games started. He even tried to tell me that my ex boyfriend (who'm I'd never slept with) had HIV, and I did too (but he would pitch a crazy fit every time I set up an appointment to get tested (?), and that we would be "together forever" because noone would want me after this...after a year and half of his abuse, my self esteem was so shot that I believed him. I thought almost every day was my last. And I wasted so much time with a monster.
This is just the first of many scenarios that will play out, and honestly, him "telling you" he knows he needs help is simply all that he's going to do. Soften your heart when he actually gets help--and he's not going to get help without therapy.
I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but been there, done that.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
| laurentany |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 7:44:03 PM
Sharon- No one has put it better than you!
Alyce- No one can make up your mind for you, but I am praying that you are safe and that you perhaps take maybe a week to access the situation and then make your decision. I hear what you are saying about having to save up money. Regardless of what you "think" may or may not happen, PLEASE do all you can to save for that rainy day. Give yourself the cushion you need to pick up and leave if you have to. Even without a huge cushion, you CAN get out of the situation.
Please know that we are here for you and are praying that God shows you the right path to take. Listen to Him and your inner voice.
Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
| Sharon Denise |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 11:43:31 AM
Alyce, I know this is getting repetitive, but you are worthy and wonderful and deserve so much better. I was married for 8 years to a mister who made me feel like yours does. He was not the person I married, and he just didn't love me. He thought he did, and he said he did (when he was apologizing), but he just plain didn't. He was cruel, controlling, condescending, emotionally abusive, ran up credit cards in my name, had bills directed to a secret P.O. box, etc. His mother, ironically, sounds a lot like your MIL. Bottom line: I kept trying to fix things. I kept thinking I could. In sickness and health, right? He obviously had a sickness. It took me eight long years (I married him when I was 19) to finally get the strength to leave. And I still felt horribly guilty about it. What would happen to him? Didn't I take a vow for better or worse? The fact is, if your partner isn't keeping his vows to you, it's a moot point. It is not your responsibility to work 70 hours per week, get an allowance like a child, not be allowed to follow your dream, put up with a constant emotional roller coaster (which IS abuse) AND deal with a similarly abusive MIL. You are not safe, and the constant pattern of forgiveness and guilt is so familiar to me. :-( You are a battered wife, even if he has never laid a finger on you. I'm praying for clarity, for peace, for the love you deserve, for the courage to stay or leave, for safety and for happiness. My heart hurts for you. Know today that your MJF sisters LOVE YOU and want you to be safe and happy.
Farmgirl Sister #3754
www.facebook.com/bellcountybelles
http://bellcountybelle.blogspot.com/
http://pinterest.com/bluemonarch/
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning."
~Louis L'Amour |
| Bayou Girl |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 11:23:03 AM
Alyce,
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I have been in a similar situation in the past with a man who had a drinking problem and promised every single time to stop, but it never did stop for me. I never thought he would lay a hand on me, but he did, and I packed my bags and both of my daughters' bags, too. At the time, I was broke, scared, and really didn't know what my next steps would be. I had to swallow a lot of pride and move back in with my parents for about two months until I had enough money saved to rent a place for me and my girls. It was one of the hardest and most heart-breaking decisions I have ever had to make, but I have never looked back. I'm praying that you have lots of support around you and you take care of yourself. I hope your situation is different than mine, but you need to put yourself first in this. Lots of prayers and positive thoughts being sent your way. I will keep you on my prayer list. Take care of yourself, darling.
~Jennifer~
Farmgirl #3803
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| nut4fabric |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 10:30:20 AM
Alyce I remember that the apologies came along with the promises and things were nice for a time and then they weren't. Beware of getting sucked in by candy and apologies and promises. Your safety and mental well being should be your number one priority. There are many types of abuse it isn't all physical.
Prayers for you
Kathy |
| crafter |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 07:21:33 AM
sending hugs to you today!! |
| GirlwithHook |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 06:45:24 AM
*blush* Thank you.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
| rough start farmgirl |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 06:39:30 AM
Alyce,
I think you are getting some really good advice and some remarkable offers of help. I hope you realize you deserve it and take both the advice and the way out.
marianne |
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