| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| celebrate2727 |
Posted - Oct 18 2006 : 11:13:01 AM
OK so my boss just became a grandmother 2 weeks ago. Her daughter in law, Anita, had a c-section. She was in and out of the hospital in labor for several days until she finally had them take her. She complained that she hated being in the hospital because she couldn't smoke. When the baby was 3 days old (and nursing) the mom decided she wanted to go out and asked her mother to watch little Brenna. Now I hear that they are feeding Brenna mashed bananas. SHE"S ONLY 2 WEKS OLD. Oh yeah and the new dad was laughing because the picture of him giving her her first bath he looked really stoned. BECAUSE HE WAS REALLY STONED.
So I am sitting here at my desk thinking to myself, drive over to their house and teach them a thing or two. Can you believe there are parents like this. My problem is that it's my bosses son and grand daughter. If I say too much I may get canned. Is it my place to say anything? HELP!!!!!!
blessings
beth
Dreaming of Friday Night Lights
http://blissnblossomfarm.etsy.com
http://bethsblissnblossomfarm.blogspot.com
www.blissnblossomfarm.com |
| 10 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| julia hayes |
Posted - Oct 20 2006 : 3:39:58 PM
I wish I had Susan's gift of words.. I blather bloo-bloo-bloobideee-bloooooo on and on.. She just went straight to the heart...with grace and love! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
I love your idea about the book and baby gift...Fantastic...truly lovely..kindness..we all need so much more...
Good luck to you and do keep us posted!
In grace and love,
Julia Hayes
being simple to simply be |
| celebrate2727 |
Posted - Oct 20 2006 : 3:23:31 PM
Julia thanks for your insight. I think I may get a baby gift for baby and mom. First for baby, some needful things ( like the formula suggestion) and then for mom a book on parenting, I really liked what to expect when you're expecting. And there is a sequel to it I think. It gives a new mom down home advise and also covers some of the things she may be feeling. Sometimes just knowing other new moms go through the same thing can help. Makes it a little easier and is a good reference book. I am also making them a birth announcement pillow.
And Susan you are right I will do it with grace and understanding, keeping from being judgemental. I have not walked in her shoes though I have walked a hard road.
blessings
beth
Dreaming of Friday Night Lights
http://blissnblossomfarm.etsy.com
http://bethsblissnblossomfarm.blogspot.com
www.blissnblossomfarm.com |
| mommom |
Posted - Oct 20 2006 : 2:45:37 PM
Maybe the new baby could use a present...like formula. While at the house with the present, look around. Hold the little darlin. Keep your eyes and ears open. I was put in a tight spot once about a baby being neglected. I slowly worked my way into the family and I do believe that I helped with what they were "missing." I agree with Julia....sometimes we are products of our environments...sometimes not. Please just listen and watch and pray that the little girl has a fighting chance. I can't fathom why a parent would give a two week old bananas, but, I also don't know the whole story. Do what your heart tells you to do. And then, whatever it tells you, do it with grace and love. Susan |
| julia hayes |
Posted - Oct 20 2006 : 2:31:16 PM
Beth, I've been thinking about this deeply since you first posted it a few days ago. I'm very glad you've decided to sit back and keep and eye and ear open rather than act on any adverse reactions you may have been feeling about the situation.
I tend to write dissertations of opinion more as a means of self-reflection than anything else so please forgive me if my response is lengthy. Let me begin by saying that I can believe there are clueless parents out there who do ridiculous things and worse....much worse...much, much worse. I firmly believe there are plenty of things you can say that would make you feel better and at the same time not come across as being self-righteous or judgmental all the while planting seeds of information. In my opinion you simply ought to reflect on 2 things: if you were this new mother, father, or grandmother how would you like to hear advice about your parenting that was both loving and compassionate despite your limitations and ignorance?
It is my firm belief that we have plenty of adversity in our lives right now..plenty of finger pointing and blaming...plenty of negativity..how are people supposed to learn and change in such an environment? Where is the benefit of the doubt? Where is the compassion and care that we all so desperately need? Despite our differences, I'm quite certain we all do well with kindness and consideration.
So what do you say when things like this come up? Things that rattle your nerves and strike you as very very wrong? My method is a simple one; provide information as if you are asking a question. When gramma says that they're feeding baby bananas now you can something like, "wow! I could be totally off but I didn't think babies needed solid food until several more months down the road...I wonder what your peditrician would recommend?" Of course your tone and word choice is going to make all the difference here. If your tone suggests that you are disgusted and disapproving, you will not come across as being compassionate, which is exactly what people like this need.
For the dad, who I'm glad you recognize you have no proof of his alleged drug use, says something stupid like, "Gee, don't I look stoned in this picture?" you can lightheartedly say something like, "You dork..I sure hope you aren't stoned!..That's just what a brand new baby needs!" Again a lighter tone would probably be well received as non-threatening and non-judgmental but clearly you are sending a message that it wouldn't be ok.
I have never in my life had a job where I felt under the "microscope" more than being a mother. I have never felt more defensive and insecure than in this role. I can't imagine if I were someone without resources and education..There are so many well-meaning people out there who say the most inconsiderate things that do absolutely nothing to elevate the spirit of others. We need to look out for each other even when others are making choices that go against grain of what we believe. We need to take care of ourselves and speak our minds but this doesn't give us the right to be unkind.
You mentioned wanting to go over there and "teach them a thing or two." Why don't you? Why couldn't you offer something open-ended like, "Gosh, I know how overwhelming a new baby can be....if there's anything I can do...If I can offer any advice or support..please let me know...."
Here I am sitting at my computer offering these words when I know I'm not in the situation...it is so much harder in the moment. This is why it is so important not to knee-jerk react. People have such a capacity to do stupid things but they have, on a whole, an even greater capacity to change.
I think of my own mother raising me..one of 5 in the 60's. She was a heavy smoker..still is to this day and none of my siblings smoke, including me. The healthiest of environments? nope, but she loved me and cared for me and nurtured me and laid the foundation for the woman and mother I am today. My grandfather was a raging alcoholic and visits to his home were huge family affairs where the cigarettes and beer flowed abundantly. I can remember crawling on his lap in his "smoking room" where the TV was and the room would be filled with smoke. I would fall asleep every single time..probably due to lack of oxygen! Healthiest of environments? Certainly not...but I tell you, despite the fact that he was as a younger man considered the "town drunk" and had a real problem with alcohol, he was the most gentle spirit of anyone I've have ever known. He was intelligent and kind and very dear to me. I'm fully aware that drugs and alcohol can lead to horrible things. I'm simply trying to illustrate that they don't always.
We don't always know the whole story behind the glimpses of choices we see people make. Di's disgust with the woman in the grocery store with her shopping cart loaded with unhealthy food and her obese daughter tagging along is a perfect example. I think of my mom and my older sister who struggled with weight issues her entire life.. The things my mom bought us when we were growing up were so gross; "tastes like butter squeezable goo", "cheez-whiz", sugar cereals of all kinds, "hostess everything..twinkies, devil dogs etc...candy, soda, icecream, velveeta..etc..etc.. Heavens! I don't eat any of that stuff now...well, with the exception of nacho cheese doritos once in a while..old habits are hard to break! Still, my older sister was the only one with weight problems..not only due to her diet but her behaviors around food. I say that because none of the rest of us had weight problems and we all ate the same junk. If people were to look at my mom and my sister at that age and what was in the shopping cart, no one would really know that my mother was also an incredible gardener..and she had a beautiful vegetable garden in the summer..she cooked home cooked Sunday dinners religiously that were healthy and wonderful...it wasn't all junk. No one would know that my sister had real depression issues as a young kid and used food as a maladaptive coping mechanism...no one would know by that first superficial look.
We tend to get angry and frustrated over those first glimpses but when we look deeper we can see more clearly and ask more meaningful questions. Things like, "Why do huge companies producing processed unhealthy foods remain so cheap and supported by our government when everyone knows the expense they inevitably create down the road in health issues?" "Why are people so poor that they feel they can only afford cheap unhealthy food?" "Why is junk food allowed to be sold and advertised in our schools?" "Why is there no major mass media campaign teaching healthier food options and choices?" etc. etc...
There are some really rotten people out there..truly rotten..but most people are just trying to do their best or at least make it through another day. For those of us blessed with resources, support, health, family, friends, and luck..who are we to judge? We are in the better position to help, to care, to support and to share.
Blessings to you all,
Julia Hayes
being simple to simply be |
| celebrate2727 |
Posted - Oct 19 2006 : 08:09:04 AM
I think I will watch and see for now. I have no proof that the mother or child were directly exposed to any drugs. Just that the father was and thankfully he isn't nursing!
I spent 20 years teaching and it was our responsibility to report these things to the authorities. If I ever hear the child in danger then I will most certainly call. I have called in the past and it is supposed to be annonymous but it wasn't. So will bide my time and watch out for her.
Thanks for your input- it is a tricky spot to be in. I have seen many parents at stores I wanted to say something too. Anyone with a politically correct way to say something without harmiong the child more?
blessings
beth
Dreaming of Friday Night Lights
http://blissnblossomfarm.etsy.com
http://bethsblissnblossomfarm.blogspot.com
www.blissnblossomfarm.com |
| Aunt Jenny |
Posted - Oct 18 2006 : 2:35:53 PM
I can't say enough how I wish someone would have stepped in with a couple of my children (adopted) before they were abused or neglected. Could have saved them so much grief and baggage they will carry with them their whole life.
I probably would watch really close and try to offer to help..stuff like that..and then if things look dangerous to the baby I would call whatever agency you have there. I am most worried about the drugs! I am thankful that the baby has YOU!!!
Jenny in Utah
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
| GaiasRose |
Posted - Oct 18 2006 : 2:18:57 PM
I think that a lot of times people don't spak up when they really should. That is why so many kids continue to live in abusive and/or neglectful situations.
2 week old babies need the nourishment that bananas do not provide for thie teeny tiny bodies. Drugs are not good and children should not be around them. Period.
~*~Brightest Blessings~*~
Tasha-Rose
blog: http://gaiarose.wordpress.com |
| Alee |
Posted - Oct 18 2006 : 2:16:32 PM
Unfortunatly, any advice might be percieved as meddling- but that little baby does need someone to protect it! I would call your local authorities to discuss your concerns. They will make the ultimate decision whether to get involved or not. They may just require the parents to take some parenting classes. It isn't good for such a young and vulnerable immune system to be around drugs and if the mother is nursing at all it could be passed through the breastmilk. If the mom isn't partaking of the drugs but is around the guy when he does- it can still affect the breastmilk. If you feel comfortable around your boss to mention something you might consider that first but be aware that there are ways of getting help to the baby and her family without you risking you employment. It is just so sad that in our society there are acceptable behaviors like this. |
| DaisyFarm |
Posted - Oct 18 2006 : 1:41:11 PM
Tough one. I have been in similar situations where I really had to bite my tongue. Bottom line...I don't think any of us has the right to interfere in any way with someone else's parenting skills (or lack thereof) unless the child is in real and significant danger.
It's so hard sometimes to look the other way and keep my trap shut...like in a grocery store one day while I watch this mother buying a frozen pizza, a gallon jug of chocolate milk and a box of cake donuts (truth!) for a daughter about 7 that was literally as round as she was tall. This mother looked reasonably intelligent...whatever could she be thinking??? I so wanted to pass her one of our little farm pamphlets, but <sigh>, mind your own business Diane.
Di
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| GaiasRose |
Posted - Oct 18 2006 : 11:34:08 AM
I am the last to advocate calling the authorities over parenting decisions, but some parenting decisions warrant the authorities, sadly. Anyone can have children, but not everyone can be a mama or a daddy, you know?
~*~Brightest Blessings~*~
Tasha-Rose
blog: http://gaiarose.wordpress.com |
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