| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| bramble |
Posted - Sep 22 2006 : 06:04:41 AM
Morning everyone...I'm struggling this morning and maybe all of you will give me some perspective. Yesterday my 13 yr old son came home and said he is going to beat up another boy. My peaceful easy going, laid back, surfer dude?! And I quote " Mom don't even start with the turn the other cheek stuff. NOBODY gets away with saying what this kid did about my family. I have been a man of peace , tomorrow will be different. End of discussion". This was his warning to us (I guess...)that today he will most likely be suspended for fighting. I tried to talk to him about it was just words, etc but it was apparently very ugly and vulgar what this kid said before he ran away. We talked alittle before bed but he could not be swayed. My husband and I both let him know that we didn't think that was the solution and that we would be disappointed if he chose that route.
What would you have said or done? Would you have said "knock his block off"? I am nervously anticipating a call from school...
with a happy heart |
| 16 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| ~Tracey~ |
Posted - Sep 28 2006 : 3:09:21 PM
Not much to add other than, as the mother of an almost 14 yo ds, I see and hear so much of the pain of broken, overly dysfunctional, left to their own devices, children. My son is no victim, he just tells me of the things that go on at his school. It is so very sad. He goes to school with the rich of the rich and the poorest of the poor, in our town. The other middle school is totally diverse. It is both the rich and the poor that I hear terrible things from.
I am so happy to hear that you and your family are taking this as a life lesson and growing together with it. Goodness knows my son and I have had plenty of those (not from fights or even anything serious-just young man growth things). This is a tough age in a young person's life and they need all the love and support they can get.
I know, preaching to the choir. I am just so happy to hear other families try as hard as we do.
Tracey,
mama to Callum 13, Katie 8, Wil 5.5, Benjamin almost 3 and Andrew 6 months!! |
| Lizabeth |
Posted - Sep 28 2006 : 2:20:08 PM
Oh, I am delighted the counselor and psychologist are involved, hooray. Certainly, police intervention is extreme, but many discount their help.
Lack of skills, and constructive release activities... more families need to chop wood! that is such a good release of frustration and exhausting too. |
| bramble |
Posted - Sep 28 2006 : 10:33:21 AM
My son returned to school today!We are glad the "exile" is over!
We have had numerous calls from parents I didn't even know that have verified what I suspected all along about the boy who was so ugly to my son. He is a very troubled boy who is acting out his own hurt, anger and unhappiness on others. I made a call to the counsellor and asked if this incident was enough to insist he be seen by the school psycologist and possibly referred to mandatory counselling. She told me that she couldn't tell me specifics but steps were being taken.When I was picking up my son's work, the psycologist was just taking this boys mother into a conference room. I think so much heartbreak and lack of skills to give voice to your pain causes so much of the violence we see in our culture. I hope his mother sees this as an avenue of help for her boy and not just people "picking on him" which has been her complaint when offered help in the past. I will keep them in my prayers and hope that we do not have to resort to police intervention.
with a happy heart |
| Lizabeth |
Posted - Sep 27 2006 : 11:18:46 PM
Working in an Emergency Room, I have seen the effects of violence. Sometimes it is appropriate, even with children, to involve the police.
Perhaps the young man has seen abuse in his own home, and the police asking questions could in fact uncover a bad situation and help him. |
| katiedid |
Posted - Sep 26 2006 : 8:15:05 PM
Wow! What an ordeal! I am one of those who really turns away from violence..I don't like violent movies, I wish we could all just embrace love! (I know, call me Pollyanna) BUT...this world isn't a calm, quiet, love embracing world. I wish we could be heard with our hearts, but that isn't always the case.
In our family we had a bully/violent situation at school, only with a daugher..Eliza started coming home from school with red marks on her arms and told me that a boy was poking her with his pencil. It got worse, he pushed her down at recess and she tore holes in her pants, he shoved her down in the lunch room, he called her names. I kept telling Eliza to ask for help, she said the teacher, and the recess supervisor would tell her "No tattling" when she asked for help. I wrote a note to her teacher,
"Dear Mrs Neilson,
I am bothered by some events in Eliza's school day.....What bothers me most is that she feels you will not help her. I have reminded Eliza of our tattle-telling rule..if you are trying to get someone in trouble, that is tattling. If you need an adults help because you are hurt or scared that is telling. Blah blah...."
Still, Eliza didn't want to go to school, she would cry and tell me she was sick...one day she came home with bruises up and down both of her arms, this boy had pinched her arms hard enough to leave about 12 little bruises, about the size of dimes. I was angry, but Dad was LIVID! He told Eliza to grab his arm and put it in a joint lock if he ever hurt her again...I told Eliza and Dad that the school has a strict NO TOLERANCE policy against violence...Yes, it looks like it is really working out for Eliza isn't it???? That's all Dad had to say about it, then proceeded to show Eliza how to twist an arm just hard enough....
Eliza went to school feeling empowered, when this little bully boy tried to poke her with his pencil she warned him, then he pinched her and she grabbed his arm and showed him the joint lock....he never tattled on her, and he left her alone after that.
I wish we could have cleared it all up with words, I wish the teacher and the school would have taken action when I complained...I guess with 1200 kids in the school they can only do so much....
I want my children to be peace-loving, kind, and giving...I want them to be safe too...I don't want them to be easy targets...oh, it is so difficult to raise children these days!!
Bramble, keep us posted
Love and light to you
Kate
http://theknifemakerswife.blogspot.com/2006/07/knifemakers-wife.html |
| julia hayes |
Posted - Sep 25 2006 : 07:49:00 AM
You are so welcome and I really couldn't have been more sincere.. I, too, can not condone violence in anyway but I firmly believe that as much as we are capable of violent acts whether out of malicious intent, (which is obviously not what your son was all about, but the other young boy victimizing him) we are equally capable of loving and compassionate actions. Both have extreme lessons to be learned that unless we engage in them, we can not learn. This experience with your son will have a lasting impact on him. I do not think it is a sign of more violence to come considering the way you've been so honest about it. Instead, I see this as a valuable opportunity for learning and making amends...It is my belief that true compassion for another encompasses witnessing or even participating in acts that cause remorse, regret and sorrow. It is only then that we can stand in the face of our enemies and care enough to wonder what it would be like to walk in their shoes. Your son has both witnessed and participated in such a step. He understands fully what brought him to his breaking point..Now, he has an opportunity to understand his victimizer..We know that this young boy is from a home with a single mom who doesn't seem to be concerned about his behavior.. This begs the question, Why? As a parent and a mother do we really believe she doesn't care what her son is doing? I can't help but think she does and may somewhere, somehow be mortified that she is raising a bully..Perhaps she lacks the resources to make the necessary changes. Perhaps she has no support. Perhaps the stressors of poverty, her own abuse/neglect, loneliness, etc..etc.. has rendered her unable to make the necessary changes. We don't know but there is an opportunity here to try and understand. Obviously, none of these reasons are good enough to validate such intimidation and bullying on the part of the boy but they certainly lay the foundation of why he may be the way he is right now...Right now, being the operative word here. People have such great capacities for change; for both good and evil..When one is bad, when does one earn the chance for goodness?
Golly, listen to me ramble!!!! just my nickle's worth this morning.. I will keep you in the light of promise and hope as you and your family journey through these lessons.. They are hard, indeed, but so valuable and if I had to guess it would be that your son will wind up being an incredible young man..someone you will continue to be so proud of!
God Bless you,
Julia Hayes
being simple to simply be |
| bramble |
Posted - Sep 24 2006 : 5:45:29 PM
Thanks for you kind thoughts and putting things into a different perspective for me. I was so busy being disappointed ( and feeling like a really bad parent) that I had overlooked the things that make our boy so special to us. He is a good, kind hearted person who would probably still try to help this boy if he could. What he told us later was that this harrassment had been going on since the start of school and when it escalated, it reached a point that he couldn't "turn the other cheek". We can't condone the action but I can certainly empathise that my newly turned 13 year old had exhausted his patience and options for peaceful resolution on his own. I think we have all learned some valuable things and will continue to with the bumps and lumps of adolescence. Thanks for your kind words and encouragement.
with a happy heart |
| julia hayes |
Posted - Sep 23 2006 : 7:32:30 PM
Well, I just wanted to say how much respect I have for you, your son and your family..not to mention the school and the principal. What an amazing sequence of events for you all to reflect upon for months and months to come. I admire your son's determination and his honesty in letting you know what his intentions were going to be. The fact that he felt so safe telling you regardless of the consequences speaks volumes about you and your parenting and your relationship with him! Amazing!! Your son sounds like a clear thinker who is simply caught up in our culture that still encourages young boys to be men by acting out their aggressions. This is very subtle and yet the opposite message, 'don't cry like a girl, you throw like a girl etc..etc.. ' is hauntingly pervasive as well..absolutely incredible what kids today process. The true test of his character in terms of nobility and maturity will come when he fully accepts the consquences of his actions, knowing full well there will be some.. no grumbling or growling in the process..a dignified resignation to consequences that are appropriate. Still, I think you were incredibly level-headed and true. I will file this one away for sure for when my son is a teenager and undoubtedly will face something of this nature. Violence-aggressive behavior and the like are things we all need to ponde deeply each and every day..whether faced with these issues with the actions of our children or considering the actions of so many others in supposed roles of leadership. I commend your courage, your honesty and your vulnerability to share this with us!
Blessings and Peace be with you!
Julia Hayes
being simple to simply be |
| sunshine |
Posted - Sep 23 2006 : 7:23:28 PM
not to be off subject I didn't know you where a quaker I think that is real neat. It takes a man to tell his parents that he is going to be introuble at school tomorrow. Most kids would get in the fight then let the school tell the parents. He prepared both you and himself for the upcomming punishment. I don't agree with fighting I had knives pulled on me at school and still didn't fight things must have been bad.
I wish him and you well and peace of heart.
susnhine
have a lovely day and may God bless you and keep you safe
my web store www.sunshines.etsy.com my other web store http://vintagethreads.etsy.com/
my blog http://sunshinescreations.blogspot.com/ my google page http://sunshine.harbaugh.googlepages.com/home |
| bramble |
Posted - Sep 23 2006 : 6:53:20 PM
Update:
Against our wishes and using poor judgement my son did in fact hit this boy and was suspended for 3 days. Being Quaker, I have never
condoned violence to solve a problem and was very disappointed with his action. When I got to school, the principal was at first angry with us both because he thought we should have given him a heads up.
I then explained to him what had been discussed and that we had trusted him to use better judgement. After talking to witnesses who heard what filth and ugliness this boy said to my son the principal
took a different tone and understood what had "set my son off". He still had to suspend him for being the aggressor on the 2nd day but actually said to me on the sly as we were leaving "Your son has alot of integrity and character, I knew it had to be something really bad to have him take these actions. He's one of the kids we have always counted on to be a peacemaker.My opinion of him hasn't changed. Sometimes enough is enough. But I do wish he had come to us because the other boy would be going home for three days instead of Z."
As for this other boy...bad homelife, one parent, absentee Dad and never made to be accountable for his actions. This was the third incident this boy was involved in this week! I doubt his mother sees how troubled he is, she doesn't seem to think he is ever wrong. My son has never been anything but nice to him, but I think he needs more help than we can offer. Just sad for everyone. ( And yes Z does have consequences at home and he's not too happy about it!)
Thanks for your help girls, this was/ is a tough one.
with a happy heart |
| DaisyFarm |
Posted - Sep 22 2006 : 10:15:51 AM
I think I probably would have coached him to use his words instead of his hands and to turn the situation back on the name-caller himself. Nothing stifles a bully quicker than being humiliated when he brought it on himself. BUT, I also would have tried to help him to empathize with the bully, pointing out that his own self-esteem must be low to have to poke fun on someone else. The old saying "what goes around, comes around" still holds true.
Diane |
| GaiasRose |
Posted - Sep 22 2006 : 09:57:25 AM
I am torn about this for a couple of reasons.
I grew up with a peaceful brother who only got into two fights that I know of, and they were in defense of his family. There is some song and the line in it is "sometimes you have to fight when you're a man." and given that he is 13, he is on that verge on manhood. It had to be something pretty awful if he is so peaceful and he feels it is his duty to defend the family that he loves.
I would have explained to him, as I do my own children, that hands are not for hitting, no excuses, but then I am also a woman and women tend to be more emotional about things like that and fight with our words not our fists...
I don't know, honey, this is a sticky one....let us know what happens.
~*~Brightest Blessings~*~
Tasha-Rose
blog: http://gaiarose.wordpress.com |
| Horseyrider |
Posted - Sep 22 2006 : 09:08:55 AM
I'd be concerned that any kid who would say something so inflammatory and provocative would let it escalate beyond a fight.
What if he brings a knife or a gun? |
| Leezard |
Posted - Sep 22 2006 : 07:19:39 AM
I think that at the age he is it's fairly normal to feel the urge to settle something a little more physically and as a kid it's hard to view a situation from all angles to consider why something is happening. I sure wouldn't urge him to fight it out and I probably would have gone the route you did and let him know that I'd be disappointed if he were to follow through that way. I don't think that one situation will turn him into a violent person, especially if he's laid back like you describe, but there probably should still be consequences for his actions if he follows through. Very rough situation and I'll be thinking about you! |
| Tina Michelle |
Posted - Sep 22 2006 : 07:02:19 AM
it's never a good idea to hit another person unless it is in self defense.Too often in this day and age folks resort to the use of force and anger to resolve issues..and too easily forget the power of kind words and talking out an issue and their effect on soothing the soul.(just my humble opinion)
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~ |
| tiffany01 |
Posted - Sep 22 2006 : 06:59:37 AM
It seems you gave him a pretty clear message and hopefully it stay with him throughout the day. Could you have kept him home from school today? Perhaps a long weekend as a cooling off period would have helped him look at it another way. Any idea what this other kid's homelife is like? Where's he coming from to be so ugly? I recently saw "How to Eat Fried Worms" and it had a great message in it about how the bully in the story was getting bullied at home. I thought it was great to get this perspective out to such a young audience. Anyway, I hope your son comes home safe and at peace with himself. |
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