| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 07:36:36 AM
Ok girls, some advice--I'm not sure if ALL of this behavior is normal, I'm sure some of it is, but I need help.
My SIL's little boy (also my Godson) is 5, and gives Violet a tough way to go. I realize that children tease and I expect some of that normally, but when Violet is around him, he doesn't just tease, he treats her like she is the most revolting, detestable creature--there is no civility, there are no manners, and there is becoming a pattern of physical violence like pushing and kicking. I'm not going to say our wee girl is a "shrinking Violet", because, I "heard" her yell at him over Christmas, "No push Violet! You STOP DAT!" and I was glad, because if this continues, I'd like for her to knock him a good one to put him in his place.
At our niece's 6th birthday party, he kicked Violet because she wanted to get up on the sofa with him--at 2, she can't understand "why" this child won't play with her, especially since all other older children (kids of friends) in our social group adore her and want to involve her in their activities and she LOVES kids. And, as his "Godmother", I'm supposed to adore this little boy, and frankly, I find him increasingly reprehensible.
As soon as we get to their house (after driving 2.5 hours), my nephew runs and screams from Violet like she has a disease. She gives chase, thinking it's a game. Then he proceeds to push her, say things like, "get away from me, I hate you!" and other little things I want to twist his ear over...but don't. I expect his mother and father to do it. But they don't. They laugh it off, unless they see him doing something physically harmful. My SIL consistently makes little "amends" for his behavior, saying things like, "he really does love her, you know, he's just very boy..." or "it's this age!" and things like that. These little quips are becoming a bit tired.
My niece and nephew stayed with my inlaws for the weekend while their parents were out skiing in Utah. They wanted Violet to visit. Right off the bat, the name calling started from my nephew, taking things from Violet so she couldn't play, taunting her by saying, "you want it, dummy? come get it!!" Since his parents weren't there, and I don't exactly trust my inlaws to correct his behavior, I chose to. I told him never to call anyone, especially my daughter a "dummy". It's unacceptable behavior. A few minutes later, Violet, still trying to get in his good graces, brought him a stuffed horse and said, "here, Maxi, this for you." He wouldn't take it, and she tried again, "here ya go, Maxi." this time my mil urged him to, saying, "Max, she's trying to be friends, why don't you take the horse and say thank you?" His answered, "Never.", just as flat and as cold as I would expect from a career criminal. And, he narrowed his eyes and stared straight forward. Barring the rage I felt, that he is allowed to be this impudent, I simply said, "Max, I find your behavior ugly. I think you can do better--since we've arrived, you've been nasty to Violet and if you'd like us to go home, we will." He just pouted and looked away. Meanwhile, I'm wondering how this child became so ill tempered and why people turn a blind eye?
He even has Violet so conditioned to the fact that everything "belongs to him" and she can't touch his toys or precious "legos", so much so, that when we're in stores she'll point to Lego's and say, "mahmee, those are Maxi's!!" with a worried tone.
So, farmgirls, is this normal? If this continues, how to I handle it? In the past, when my in-laws have brought up behavior issues with her other child, now growing out of those issues, my sil's reaction was Oscar worthy with all the tears and woes of how difficult it is to be a mother to "a gifted child." Gifted or no, children need manners, correct?
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
| 21 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| knittingmom |
Posted - Jan 26 2012 : 7:23:55 PM
Yes it might be his age, it might be that he's jelous of Violet as she's the "baby" but also he's old enough to understand that being mean is not ok. His parents shouldn't laugh it off they need to give him direction. Are you comfortable reprimanding him, how would it be taken (i.e. saying to the little guy "no you need to say sorry to Violet and no pushing, she's smaller than you" that type of thing?)
Maybe you should gift them with Dr. Kevin Leman's book "Have a new kid by Friday".
Good luck
Farmgirl Sister #3759
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"
"The things that matter most are not really things after all" |
| msdoolittle |
Posted - Jan 22 2012 : 9:13:47 PM
What I have found, after having my own kids, is that other people's kids really, REALLY can get under my skin. There is no excuse for behavior like that. If my kids ever said something like that to their cousins, the discipline would be swift!
My husband's favorite saying regarding family is 'limited contact'. It keeps us sane. In fact, we have cut off contact altogether with some family members due to bad behavior. My own family comes first, no matter what!
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
| marthajane |
Posted - Jan 20 2012 : 09:54:45 AM
Hey people these are all very good points. Yes we know that the people who do awful crimes are people too, and were children. It's easier to think of them as monsters or animals but that's not really true. They are people who were little once long ago.
This is what I have been thinking lately...with that new book out about disciplining with the rod. I am even thinking about writing a book to balance the scales...because I've heard some poor children have been "disciplined" to death by people who have read that book.
I think this is an old conversation-but in a way new, because it's hardly spoken of in our society.
My strong feeling is that when the parents are "accepting" the child's behavior that says they are in some way "approving" it.
They are obviously "in the know" about where the reactive behavior is coming from.
I would not bother wasting a single moment trying to "convince" the parents of what they already know...they are just trying to mess with you too-to make you believe in their weirdness.
These type parents I have seen at walmart and dollar tree...they need our prayer, and a divine wake up call. I sometimes think that the public displays of these behaviors is a way of getting noticed, and maybe getting help.
I am so sorry that in such a modern world like the one we are in, there does not seem to be much straight talk about things that really matter.
Happiness IS being a MOM |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Jan 20 2012 : 06:52:08 AM
Hi Jonni. I know I am late to this conversation, and I know I am just going to echo all the other wise words Farmgirls posted here, but I'm jumping in anyway.
As every Farmgirl wrote, you are not alone. We have an identical problem with the son of a family member (although he is a bit older than your nephew/godson). Around age four or five he started to become rude, mean, vicious, violent and uncontrollable. His parents do nothing about it, even when he attacks his own siblings. They call it a "phase" he is going through. Well, this "phase" has lasted several years and each year his behavior becomes more extreme, and, frankly, frightening. Even though many in the family have brought up our objections and concerns over this to his parents, they behave as if WE are overreacting and simply "don't understand" him. But it's not just us, I know he has had MANY discipline problems at school (they even had to change schools at one point) and his parents always blame the teachers or the school officials. I don't know how they can be so blind, but they are.
We honestly avoid them now as much as we can because my girls are terrified of him. At family events they attend, my older girls stay away from him and stick close to us. When he's around, I keep my youngest two with me at all times.
I genuinely worry if he's like this now, and he is still a little boy, what will he be like as a teen?
Keep Violet away from your nephew. If anyone in the family asks why, tell them the flat-out truth. If they don't like it, too bad. You see the truth of the situation, they don't.
Hang in there!
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| rksmith |
Posted - Jan 17 2012 : 5:23:38 PM
Well, don't worry so much about being offensive to the family or causing a rift...look at what this child's behavior is doing already! I like the way your DH thinks---no family for thousands of miles gosh that sounds nice, lol. There's nothing wrong with you or how you see things. His behaviors are inexcusable and when it makes you and your child miserable something should be said/done. Sounds like the parents just don't want to see the problem--no one wants a "problem child" and it really irritates me when someone has a problem child and refuses to see it or do anything about it. At any rate, say what you feel and need to say. If they're upset so be it, they'll get over it, but if you say nothing the problem will get worse and you'll feel worse for not doing anything and the effect that it may have on Violet will not be good. Say what you need to and make no apologies.
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
True enlightenment is nothing but the nature of one's own self being fully realised-- His Holiness the Dali Lama
http://madame1313.wordpress.com/ |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Jan 17 2012 : 08:53:15 AM
Wow, ladies--I feel so much better reading these responses--thank you, thank you for taking the time (and Lisa, I CRACKED up at your post!). I knew in my heart of hearts that something just wasn't "kosher" with his behavior, that it isn't just his "personality", and my mil says, but she's a bit of a laissez fare parent herself. When pondering all this, I remembered being little and visiting friends of my parents who had children and before going inside, Daddy would always say, "now, you don't have to love him or invite them to your house, but you do have to behave and be nice while we're here."
In answer to (most) of your main questions: yes--though I am not afraid of confrontation normally, I am incredibly hesitant to bring this up with my sister in law. I would never dream of hurting her, but that's just it--there is NO WAY to approach these people without offending them or causing some rift. There is just SO much baggage in this family, and it's never between just "you" and the other person. My husband hardly tolerates his family, and if he had his way, we'd be living on some island somewhere where with no family for thousands of miles. And, as you all have noted, and I believe, as well, I don't think they see his behavior as anything other than being a boy, or age related, so it seems almost a futile attempt. I can't "make" someone see what I see if they haven't yet? I had forgotten to mention that they held him back in kindergarten another year. He does have a speech issue that hinders him from being understood, but the teacher also said that she felt he was emotionally not ready for the first grade. They all agreed to hold him back. I know that's common, too, but since I wasn't a fly on the wall, I don't know the whole story. I do think we get a "filtered" version of things--which is one of the very reasons I'm questioning my disappointment in him--according to the grandparents and my sil and bil, these children are dreams and everyone who meets them says so. The teachers just rave about them, other parents, their coaches, etc...and it makes me feel terrible, truly, that I'm thinking, "what's wrong with me?"
There is a part of me that wonders if he isn't being bullied at school because of his speech. They are what I would call, "privileged" folks--my bil is a stockbroker, my sil a SHM who goes to the country club during the day while the kids are at school. They're not completely vapid, but they are a bit oblvious to normal life. And so, the kids go to a very high end public school in Northern Indianapolis where every other child is from a similar background and let's face it--kids can be cruel, as all your posts and mine have shown.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
| nubidane |
Posted - Jan 17 2012 : 06:06:29 AM
Sounds like he needs a visit from Cesar Milan |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 9:01:36 PM
I agree with what every one else is saying. Seems to me he either has emotional problems, isn't disciplined, or both. Really not fair for poor Violet to have to endure.
I know what you mean about your cousins. My mom feels the same about her nieces and nephew. They always treated her horrible too. (they were all the same age, grew up together). Her older sister would always blame her for anything any of them did too. My mom would get a beating, if her sisters kids broke things, or did anything wrong. Meanwhile her sisters kids (her neices and nephews) didn't get any punishment at all. And my grandma just let that happen. My mom always dreads having to do things with them now too.
Also I have a cousin like you describe as well about the being ungrateful/ungracious. I will never forget her 16th birthday party where she had a all out meltdown temper tantrum, cause her parents bought her a BMW and not some other expensive care she wanted. (now I can't remember what it was she wanted, I do remember she got a BMW though, cause believe me later on in life that dang car caused my grandma to almost go to jail! So I will never forget that! lol). Just disgusting!
Personally I have found limiting my time with people who's morals I don't have in common with is much better for me. Not that we can't have friends with different views and all, but those basic moral codes that are my core beliefs, are harder to deal with people who are so much different on those levels. Kind of that birds of a feather thing. It's so much nicer to be around people who share my values. Again they don't have to feel the exact same way about things I do. But, those core values being basically the same, makes life a lot nicer and easier.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| sjmjgirl |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 8:15:45 PM
I too, see a lot of children at my job. I have seen kids call each other ( and adults too!) everything under the sun & understand exactly what they are saying too! It is a failure on the parents part.
I also wonder like the other ladies if there isn't an underlying problem (ie: reactive attachment disorder, asberger's, autism spectrum). Unfortunately only a professional could help with that. In the meantime, you can have a little talk with his parents and just let them know that it's none of your business what happens with their kids, but when your family is around, you expect him to treat them with kindness and respect, and you will discipline him if he acts up.Don't even allow the whole "gifted" thing to be brought up.
I can see that you have a very caring heart, please hang in there & keep being a champion for your family & Max as well. He really needs your tough love. I will be thinking about you. Keep us posted. |
| SheilaC |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 7:59:24 PM
So my input might sound a bit weird, but it's what has worked for us :) It seems to me that kiddos who don't have many boundaries are really longing for some boundaries. . .and sometimes there are ways to set them around your family that involve the other child. I have used it with kids I babysat and also neighbor children. Boundaries set such as, "I don't know what kinds of rules you have about how you talk, but when you are at Sheila's house you are not allowed to say stuff such as (. . . ) or things that sound mean or unkind. Now let's have some fun!" etc. Have also used successfully/happily with table manners :), dress-up (when you are at Sheila's house we don't dress up like the devil) I've had neighbor moms ask me why their kids seem to behave/speak/etc better at my house (sometimes!!) I don't know . . .has seemed to work for us at least.
And it's probably more effective when it is on your "home territory" I understand that it probably wouldn't be so easy on someone else's home turf :) Does he ever come to your place? That'd probably be the time.
http://troutwife.blogspot.com/
http://www.etsy.com/shop/brooktroutwife |
| 22angel |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 7:34:04 PM
I agree with the other ladies here - he needs boundaries set, and he needs to have consequences for his actions. I work in childcare (not as long as Beverley), and some of the behaviours are atrocious! So many "parents" are so worried about being their childs' friend instead of being the one in charge & not letting the child run things. My one niece is like that too - I told Mom that if she were to come to my house, I'd be the meanest aunty alive, not to mention that she'd have one sore backside. It totally infuriates me.
Anyhow, if he doesn't listen to or respect you or Violet, leave. Don't give him the option of making that choice for you. It's another control thing for him. And tell his parents too. I know it's so hard to talk to them - I wouldn't want to do it to my brother, but that's also one of the reasons I don't go down to their place - but if they aren't going to respect you & your family, so be it. Behaviours need natural consequences - if they don't treat you with respect, then you aren't going to visit them. Five year olds don't need to treat people badly. But the blame should be on the parents for not being parents, for whatever reason. I would totally give them a parenting book!
Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself.
"When I grow up, I want to be dirt." seen on a box through construction in Wyoming 2010 |
| Beverley |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 6:10:30 PM
I have worked with preschool children for many years and I agree with Rachel, this is not normal behavior and it is coming from not being having parents who take control so he just figures he will. I know a lot of people don't agree with Rachel and I but a good swat on the butt works wonders. I know you aren't his parents but don't let him treat your DD that way. if his parents get mad then sit them down and tell them that you will not in the future let him treat anyone in your eye sight with disrespect and let it fall back in their laps. I had a boy that lived next door to us when my son was young and he kept up acting terribly and I finally just told his mother he was not allowed to play with my son anymore. Oh there were neighbor wars then but we talk now . her son still lives at home and my son has a really good job and has his own place so it shows when they grow up. my son and her son are 30 so her son should be out on his own. His girlfriend moved into his parents home instead of him moving out. So I guess he still gets to do whatever he wants even if it is not good for him!!!
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
| rksmith |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 5:37:49 PM
Paint his little back porch bright red. I'd definitely tell his parents they need to control this child. His behavior is not normal by any measure. Although he may indeed have some mental/emotional issues, a good bit of this seems to come from the fact that his parents and grandparents laugh and joke and pay no real attention to his behaviors. Allowing this to continue will only cause it to escalate into something more. I can definitely say that the behavior is not "boys being boys" or any of that crap...if my son had EVER acted like that he would still not be able to sit down (and he is 14). "How to behave so your children will too" is a decent book. One of my pediatricians absolutely loves and recommends "1-2-3 Magic"...I always tease him (he's anti-spank and I'm all for it)and tell him it'd work better across some kids backside, but reading it might help...it does have some good info.
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
True enlightenment is nothing but the nature of one's own self being fully realised-- His Holiness the Dali Lama
http://madame1313.wordpress.com/ |
| emsmommy5 |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 5:26:17 PM
Honestly, I would have no problem correcting his behavior in front of his parents if it is regards to my child. If his parent's aren't going to set limits, then you have every right to. It's healthier for your daughter to see you giving gentle, firm correction than it would be to allow him to continue nasty behaviors towards her.
And I definitely agree with Julie, do not give him any opportunity to have decision making in what you and your family do or don't do. He's a child. And a child in obvious need of stronger parenting.
I would encourage you to remember that YOUR family comes first. Especially your sweet little daughter. When you see lego's in the store, and she asks if they are his... tell her no. They are not. Reinforce her inner strength, even at two! There will come a time when she is going to have to stand up to him and the more you can lay that confident foundation, the easier it will be for her to know when to stand up for herself.
Being sweet and nice is what we try to be, but there comes a time when tough love takes over.
My thoughts.... good luck! Without going into specifics, I can certainly relate to the issue on many levels.
Do what you love, love what you do. |
| Amie C. |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 5:07:15 PM
I'm not a mom, but I don't remember any of my seven brothers and sisters or any of our friends/acquaintances acting this way at such a young age. Junior high maybe! In fact, your godson's behavior reminds me a lot of a boy who bullied me mercilessly all through 8th grade. Like Heather said, adults laughed it off by saying he must "like" me...but it sure felt like hatred to me.
As someone who was bullied, I agree that the most important thing for you to do is stick up for Violet. Don't let her feel that her cousin's behavior is condoned by you. You probably can't change his behavior (his own parents might not have much control over him either if it turns out that he does have some serious emotional or behavioral issue) but at least you can protect your own girl. |
| FarmDream |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 4:28:53 PM
"if you'd like us to go home, we will."- Do not say things like this to him. He should have no say in if you stay or go. It reminds me of reactive attachment disorder. The parents are not parenting. You will have to set the standard and parent him if needed when you are there. Are you afraid of hurting their feelings? You have to take a stand for Violet. Who else will? She is learning from you also. Courage is doing something even when you are afraid.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
| marthajane |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 4:03:36 PM
Jonni, Your inlaws need help. That boy is really messed up! I would get the parents a copy of the parenting book (ANY parenting book) Love and Logic? Like in Heather's case. Why on earth would someone send a child that misbehaves so flagrantly out into public? That's a signal that the parents are failing in the home. The child does not need to embarrass themselves with behavior like that. Or maybe the child is sick, or tired, in which case they need a doctor-not social interaction. This is one of the saddest stories I have heard in a while (also Heathers!) and it sounds like this little boy is a bit NUTS! I wonder how he got like that? I do not think it is appropriate for the behavior to be totally ignored. Strange when a person who is so young is not well adjusted to life. I pray for him.
Happiness IS being a MOM |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 10:43:56 AM
@Heather--I appreciate your responses--and I agree. What I recall about my cousins and extended family was that they were cruel to me. As I said, a little teasing can be expected, by my two eldest female cousins were downright terrible to me as a little one, and I remember it. And, to that end, I've never had any regard for them whatsoever. Oddly enough, they wonder why I don't come around much!?! I don't want that for Violet, but at some point, she will be able to form her own opinion of my nephew--and yes, a lot is expected of me as his Godmother, but you're right when you say my child comes first. And, let's be honest, he's never cared one way or another if I'm his Godmother, he really doesn't seem to care about anything, so it's not as if he's jealous that I have a child of my own, now.
My husband and I are trying to raise Violet with a healthy self esteem, but to be compassionate, to be kind and helpful and ALWAYS respectful. Whenever she is with other people, my in-laws included, I am alway regaled with stories of how they went "here or there" and people raved about her manners. And that really pleases me. We're doing something right! I mean, look, she has her moments, every almost-3 year old does, but this is the foundation I choose to give her.
My nephew doesn't seem to care one way or the other, and that really is a reflection on his parents. I love my sil and bil, but they are a different ilk. I don't know that what they're doing isn't in almost every parenting magazine I've read in the last few years, because I see the same types of children in Target or the grocery, or in department stores consistently, and the same response from their parents--either complete obliviousness, or this weird reasoning that I can't imagine WHO it's more frustrating for? A 4 year old or the parent? I mean, I've never had to spank Violet, and I hope I don't--it's not on my agenda, really, but if she's misbehaving, I simply cut it short and give her no options to misbehave further. She knows EXACTLY where I'm coming from and why, but I don't really ask her opinion at that moment. Later, I'll circle around and address the matter: "Do you know why I didn't want you to climb on the store fixtures? Because I didn't want you to get hurt. So when you continued to climb after I'd asked you to get down, it upset me." And she says, "I sorry, mahmme." and we move on.
Well, Sabrena, my nephew doesn't seem to respect many people, including his family. At his sister's birthday party in December, I bought her a doll she'd said she wanted (it was not on the approved list we were given by her mother as gifts "ok" to buy her), and when she opened it and exclaimed, "Oh, Aunt Jonni, I loooove it!!!! She's awesome!" He said, "You said you hated those dolls, you said they were ugly!!!!" And of course, his mother turned quickly to me and made a little "apology" and said, "no she didn't. She never said that." And I realize you can't predict what comes out of their mouths, but geez, where are his manners? I've watched him throw fits over not getting to watch tv during Thanksgiving, I've heard him speak to his mother in a tone I found questionable, he doesn't want you to touch him or hold him, he's very standoffish to any affection, and yesterday, I watched him at his grandparents house, where he is a guest, walk into the kitchen and demand, "where are the juiceboxes?" When my fil said, "I'm not sure.." my nephew opened the fridge, slammed it shut and said, "they aren't in there." and then said again, "where are they?" All I could think of was why didn't he say, "PaPa, could I please have a juicebox?"
I'll have to look for that book, Sabrena--I try to trust my gut and I will make mistakes, but I can always use all the help I can get!
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
| Sabrena Orr |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 09:23:00 AM
Do the parents set boundaries for Gordon? Showing and treating others with respect is something that is taught and learned from an early age. What Gordon is doing is mean spirited not to mention disrespectful to others and himself. Parents need to guide and teach their children and it doesn't sound like Gordon is being reprimanded for his behavior or for his poor choices. As parents, we also need to protect our children and I would definitely protect my child/ren from Gordon and let the parents know why.
My children are 19, 17 and 8 and my parenting bible was a book called "PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC" by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay. This book teaches parents on how to set boundaries and be firm and loving in handing out consequences and discipline. My hubby and I each had one and my mine is highlighted, flagged, dog-eared and still used. I would recommend this book to any parent. It seeems a talk with the mom/dad may be helpful and may also help Gordon feel better about himself, teach him to treat others respectfully and maybe the parents will learn to set boundaries for Gordon's behavior.
Sabrena, Olympia |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 09:10:53 AM
Oh and just as a BTW, my parents, AND my grandparents both get involved when my 14 year old sister, goes over board on how she treats, or says things to my DD. (although she has never physically hurt her). My sister who is 14, is adopted, and she had some kind of head injury (we are not sure of what kind, cause she is from Haiti and not much known about her, when she came though she had a huge gash on her head, so that's how we know about the injury at all). Any way....she has some mental delay, and especially socially.
However, like I said, my parents nor my grandparents let her get by with it, just because of her head injury or what ever. When ever she says something bully like to my DD, they all tell her, now you are 14 and she is 5 you have to remember, xyz, and all of that. This is not only to protect my DD, but also to help my sister learn how to treat others in general, for her own well being when she grows up she has to know how to socially relate to many people, to just live a productive life in general.
That's what I mean by I think above boy's parents are not doing him any favors by letting this go on.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Jan 16 2012 : 09:02:05 AM
"Gifted"? I'm assuming you must mean he has some kind of higher IQ, or can recite books or something. Cause he certainly isn't gifted when it comes to social/emotional behavior. Just as a heads up to you, if they are saying he has a high IQ. High IQ, often have emotional problems. My brother is, and he is a sociapath! (not just me saying this, I'm talking this is in print by a court appointed psychiatrist). Apparently this is not unusual for "gifted" to only be smart when it comes to books and such and then be socially retarded, and also very depressed.
Personally with this kind of behavior I would do exactly as you are. Tell him yourself, and speak to his parents. I understand what you are saying about them laughing it off.
I would try one more time, and tell parents this is serious you want to have a serious talk about it. If they still want to just talk about how gifted he is, or just laugh it off. Personally I wouldn't give a hoot about being his "God parent", your own child comes first, and I would limit, VERY much so any more social things with them. They are wanting you to give a lot to their child (appointing you as God parent), but don't seem to want to return any of that care to your child. (IE protecting her, teaching their son what he is doing is hurtful and not acceptable!). Plus sadly to me this is abuse even of their own child, they are not doing him any favors.
I will tell you, there was a boy I grew up with that was always mean to me (school), and the teachers/principal would always tell me it was because he "liked" me. I do know some boys I guess do this. But, personally to this day I don't believe that was why this boy was the way he was to me. I think he was that way cause they all let him be! I remember telling the principal tell him I don't want to be liked like this then! (he even knocked my teeth out once, literally! Sadly it was my front permenent teeth, at that! He did that by taking me by the hair and slamming my head into the coat hooks in the coat room, that was part of him "liking" me!). She laughed and laughed at me when I told her to tell him that, and said Heather you are so funny. I didn't think I was "funny" at all, I was being serious! Here I am 30 years later and still think that was awful. It went on for years with him, till middle school, when I just had to beat the tar out of him, (started in kindergarten with him) and I was expelled for it! After years and years of him beating on me and never was once expelled! Such a double standard. I guess I wasn't beating him in "love" like he was me? I don't know! UHG!
Any way, my mom was just telling me ironically yesterday of how her niece was so mean to her (her niece is her same age), and how her mom used to let her get by with it. And my mom said it made her feel like her mom liked her niece (grandma/mom's mother's granddaughter) more then her, and that she didn't love her (my mom, grandma's daughter).
So protecting your own child, even against other children their same age range, and even against other children they are related to, I think is important. For your own child's mental health if nothing else. I wouldn't want my children to feel hurt how my mom did. Or to continue to be beat on like I was either. It's not fair. And I know some people just think children should work it out. Well, adults don't! Adults would call the police if another adult was doing to them what some people let other children do to children. I'm of the party of get involved, when it comes to bullying or hurting over and over. ( I don't get involved in every thing say with my sisters and my daughter. Unless I think it is going over board, if it's just little girl fights, IE sometimes they will get mad one doesn't let the other have her barbie, then my dd comes crying to me about it, saying it's not fair, I don't get too involved in that, and I tell her she needs to go deal with it, especially when they say things like I never want to see you again, etc etc. lol So far there hasn't been any physical violence, and they don't seem to bully, except one of my sisters, which I just had to tell her the other day DD is 5 you are 14, you need to XYZ! Other then that though, my other sisters are more my DD's age, and they usually only argue a little and then are friends again a few minutes later! lol) However, I access it day by day, incident by incident. IF it got to be regular bullying, or violence ever, I would step in!
I think you should for sure keep stepping in how you are. And like I said try to have one serious talk with his parents. If they still ignore you on it, then seriously limiting any time with them, would be my option. I mean that's just not fair to violet. And seriously it's also not fair to your Godson, this isn't doing him any favors. How is he supposed to learn social skills if they always laugh this stuff off? He won't get a job, no matter how smart he is, if he can't cheese up the hiring person!
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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