| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 06:45:05 AM
I'm getting kind of irritated about something and thought I would vent to my Farmgirls.
I have a mom "friend" who used to be easy-going and fun when I first met her and we used to hang out with our kids a lot. Only, in the last few years she has become (in my opinion) really critical and negative. She constantly picks apart almost everything I say or do with my kids. For example, when my husband and I went out of town together for the first time ever (before our 4th daughter was born) since becoming parents I told her I missed my girls so bad I wanted to go home and she called me "co-dependent." When I spoke of possibly homeschooling my kids she got huffy and called me an "overprotective nut." She has also taken to making kind of snide comments about some of what my girls are "in to" by calling my girls' interest "babyish" (like American Girl, Disney Princesses PBS shows) and her daughter's interests "advanced." And she's even started making kind of mean comments about the clothes I pick out for my daughters and even for myself!
What I can't understand is the motivation - I've always tried to hold with the "if you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all" philosophy. I'm not saying I've ever followed that PERFECTLY - I am human - but I've never made it a habit to just harp at someone.
Has anyone else ever experienced a "Negative Nelly" in their lives (especially where it concerns their parenting), and if so, what did you do about it?
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| 21 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| andwhathaveya |
Posted - Sep 19 2011 : 9:50:39 PM
I have a cousin that did that to me. Her mother harped on her every chance she got about her clothing, hair, music and even what she ate for dinner. I think sometimes, it's a learned habit. Maybe she doesn't realize she is doing it...maybe she does. If you call her out on it, you could lose a friend...but also gain some self confidence back. I finally told my cousin that I am the way that I am and I'm not gonna change for anyone. Who cares what color my flip flops are as long as I am happy? She don't Negative Nellie me to death anymore. You just gotta put your foot down. |
| rksmith |
Posted - Aug 21 2011 : 6:43:48 PM
Thanks, Suzanne.
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you are not willing to move your feet--Dr. Kioni
http://madame1313.wordpress.com/ |
| msdoolittle |
Posted - Aug 21 2011 : 12:39:24 PM
I agree with the ladies above. I've been getting pretty cutthroat about some 'friends' that I have. You know them...the negative ones and the ones who never call you until they need something.
Two words: Buh-bye!
The most important thing to me is my husband and my kids. They come first. This woman sounds like a 'faux friend' to me. A friend will be supportive, and even if they don't agree with you, they shouldn't be ugly about it.
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Aug 21 2011 : 07:29:52 AM
Too true, Shelly. I just have come to a point in my life where I need to examine some of my relationships and let go ones that are unhealthy for me - whether it be because someone is criticizing me or not seeing me as a person (just as a sounding board for all their woes) or making me second guess my decisions. That's not to say I don't want to be there when friends need support or a shoulder to cry on - I have always been open for that - but I think it becomes too draining when that's ALL you are to them and they don't care what's going on with you. I also think I've always been a friend who wants to hear about decisions or paths a person is taking, even if it's not what I would choose (like a certain career or education options for their children) without leaping to some sort of judgment and criticizing them for it.
It's not as if I expect all my friends to agree with the way I live my life in every aspect, but I can't sustain friendships anymore where someone is being so "down" on me for everything.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| buggysmum |
Posted - Aug 21 2011 : 07:19:14 AM
You are right. What is the definition of a friend, anyway? Surely it is not somebody who constantly looks for the negative in your life and in you, and ignores all the good and happy stuff. |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Aug 20 2011 : 6:58:24 PM
Rachel - you are HILARIOUS! Loved your advice!
Shelly - I am so, so sorry that you find yourself in the situation you are in. It's so hard to be disappointed in a friend (I obviously know first hand) and to feel as if you can't continue a relationship with them. As I wrote in the posts for this topic, I can usually overlook a lot of things and let things slide before I get aggravated (because sometimes they work themselves out). The friend I wrote of is sadly not the first I have become so disappointed in that I just didn't know if I wanted to be friends anymore. I became friends with another mom through a toddler play class way back when my oldest (now 9) was a toddler and I was pregnant with my second. I liked her a lot and our kids got on well and I thought things were good until she started calling me every day, and then it was two or three times a day and if I didn't call her back within 5 minutes she would demand to know why. And in all these calls all she wanted to talk about were HER problems - with her marriage, her family, her child, her other friends, etc. It was EXHAUSTING. She was like that when we got together with our kids, as well and I just started to hate even the thought of seeing her again. I kept telling myself I was being mean-spirited and selfish because she obviously had issues she needed a friend to listen to and so I smiled and nodded and gave her pep talks and a shoulder to vent on for YEARS until one day I realized she hadn't so much as said a passing "How are you?" in a single conversation we'd had pretty much ever and it had all been about her. I did try telling her I wanted a little more "give and take" in a friendship than I thought we had and she got huffy and I didn't hear from her for months...then she left me a phone message about how much I'd let her down. Needless to say, we weren't friends after that.
That's my long-winded way of further saying I do understand how things can go wrong no matter how hard you try with a friend and it's heart-breaking when you have to end things.
I hope your friend changes her ways after she reads your email and doesn't let a friendship go.
If you need to talk, you can click on my profile and email me any time - I mean it.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| rksmith |
Posted - Aug 20 2011 : 6:29:53 PM
I do not like being around such negative people. If at all possible I just avoid the negative people; if I can't completely avoid them (such as at work) I try to keep interaction to a minimum. As far a being friends with someone like this--I would ask her why she calls herself my friend if all she can do is be so negative about me. I would also tell her that if I'm just not measuring up to her cup of tea she needs to go somewhere else. If that doesn't work, I tell people like that to plant their lips on my big white shiny moon(so to speak) and I just don't have anything else to do with them. If they come over I tell them I'm busy. If they call, I don't answer and don't call back. There is no need to burden yourself with negativity. Life is too awesome for all that nonsense ;)
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you are not willing to move your feet--Dr. Kioni
http://madame1313.wordpress.com/ |
| buggysmum |
Posted - Aug 20 2011 : 5:22:44 PM
I had to send a difficult email this morning to a friend...a very old, very good friend, who is going through some tough stuff. Her reaction to her troubles (and quite dysfunctional home life) is to start giving advice/opinions to me about every aspect of MY life, and has projected all her worries onto me...writing/calling me all the time and saying how "worried" she is about me and how she hasn't heard from me in "such a long time" (1 week). Reminding me of every mistake I've ever made, and every bad outcome that has happened in my life...as if to warn me...diaster can strike at any time.
It took me a while to see what she was doing and I had to let her know it was upsetting me and sending me into tailspins of worry and self-doubt, because I have always trusted her and her feedback in the past...I was starting to think maybe I WAS doing everything wrong...
But lately, my life and a lot of my "stuff" has gotten a lot better and I think that she had a hard time accepting that I was doing ok....as if it was kind of threatening to her...and I will admit that a lot of tough stuff has happened in my life....but things are good now and getting better.
No matter what I say to her, she has a quick-fix solution/opinion. When I wasn't really looking for one...just chatting. I don't do this...my policy as a friend is to back my friends up, support them, and encourage them...not tell them what to do. Unless they specifically ask for feedback and then never about anything life-changing...I really try to help them find their own answers....so I see what she is doing as kind of abrasive.
I tried to write it diplomatically and put it on me, but I don't know how she's going to take it. The only other thing I could do was ignore her and I didn't think that was fair.
It has taken me a looong time and a lot of "growing up" (as I am in my 40's now) to understand that it is not my job to "fix" every relationship...sometimes you just have to let it go if it gets too painful. This is a whole new thing for me. It is scary and sad but also liberating in a way...I don't feel trapped in it. But if she doesn't take it well, I'll be losing the best and oldest friend I've ever had. But what was left of our friendship was getting very nervewracking for me.
I wouldn't have written this in an email if I hadn't tried to SAY it to her already on three different occasions, to no avail. It was after the last "I'm worried about you" e-mail that I decided to write it.
Shelly |
| camiesmommy |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 8:44:18 PM
My children are all grown, but I guess we've all been trough it.
I find in pretty much every walk of life, people criticize others because it's a way not to look at there own faults. If she not happy as a mother than she is probabaly jealous and resents you because of the relationship you have with your children.
I was a stay at home mom for a good portion of my childrens lives and homeschooled the two youngest. I was always being told that they wouldn't have as good of an education and would't be properly "socialized". We also didn't have a lot of money, so we didn't have a tv in every bedroom, or computer games. My girls played with dolls, rollerskated, played jacks, etc. Had an imagination and new how to entertain themselves.
My youngest for example graduated high school (homeschooled) at 16, and started at the Jr. College. Guess they turned out ok after all.
My philosophy in life is this. If someone does not like me for who and what I am, I don't need them in my life. It is not my responsiblity to change who I am to to fit someone else mold. I know it sounds harsh, but why do we want to give other people that much control over our lives, and why do we want to subject our children to that. While your friend may not say things directly to your children, I suspect that her children may also treat your children the same way, because children learn what they live.
Raising children is the most important job we will do, and it's the only one that doesn't come with an instruction manual. Whatever you decide to do, know that you will do right by your children.
A.J.
Work is love made visible. ~ Kahlil Gibran |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 4:42:36 PM
I totally agree with Jonni and Amy.
I am constantly asked since my DD1 was like 6 months old what school she goes to! um........ok. She's 6 months old!? lol (she's almost 5 years now, but I am not kidding the questions about school literally started at 6 months!)
Any way, I have said it before and will say it again LLL meetings I think you would find people a LOT more like minded. I think this friend doesn't like being a parent as she plainly told you, but she is feeling guilty about it and taking it out on you.
And like Jonni said, I get the same about even being married! I am not kidding my husband and I lost a lot of friends cause we are "happily" married! We were bringing our friends "down" and making this depressed since we weren't miserable like them! People got REALLY biting about it! I literally had friends say some of the nastiest things about us just because we like being married to each other and apparently...their marriage isn't as rosey! I also had friends nit pick my husband for little things. And tell me they wouldn't put up with it. Like literally the sock thing, yeah he throws his socks around in the bathroom, I HATE it. However, I'm not going to leave him over it! He is a good husband in soooooo many other ways. And since I have been ill, and on bedrest a LOT of our marriage he also has to do a lot of things most other husbands either don't have to do or even refuse to do! (I can't tell you how many husbands I hear have NEVER changed a baby diaper, my husband has had to change a LOT of our children's diapers, my siblings diapers, and my nieces and nephews diapers! lol haha I had a handicap nephew that LOVED my husband he wasn't able to be potty trained till he was like 8 years old, and that's a BIG diaper to change, and yup my husband would do it for him, when we would take him off my parents hands for a day or a week, or what ever.) And then not to mention the other flaws I have that he puts up with with out constantly throwing in my face. So yeah I'm not going to leave my husband over him putting some socks where I don't like! And that really made my friend mad! Then come to find out she had been lying about how "great" her marriage was, and things were really bad. Any way... yeah I never understood this misery loves company thing. I have always been happy for my friends who are having good lives, even if mine wasn't rosy at the time. It always brought me happiness to at least see those I love enjoying happiness, so I don't understand it! But, I have figured out this is just some kind of psychological problem some people have, and well they weren't good friends to keep any way if that's how they are going to be!
Any way....I have your same views and values, I think you would find more like minded ones who are also LLL. I think you have said you live to far away from LLL? I would get on their free message board and see if any one around you is on the message board and can get together with you, and again look into joining your local home school co-op. (even if you aren't homeschooling this year, you can go to some of their things, and get to know the people there!).
BTW, I was in high school when American Girl came out. I had a subscription to Victorian Magazine at the time, as it was one of my favorite secular magazines, and there was a ad for American Girl in it, I requested the free catalog and LOVED it. Fell in love with AG! And yes I was high school! lol When I lived in NYC my 12 year old sister came to visit and she loved AG as well and we made trips to the AG store. I don't think that other things are advanced as much as........well not my cup of tea for "children"!
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 3:43:56 PM
Just to be clear, I also have to add that I'm not against friends or anyone else venting to me - it's therapeutic to unload your feelings (and I do it plenty, by the way). Maybe I should have listened to her more when she was expressing her feelings about motherhood - I think I just felt a little like it was a backhanded attack again and I was also plain being honest when I told her I enjoy being a mom (again, not every day is fabulous - but overall I love parenthood and do find a lot of fun in it).
I also feel a little bad criticizing someone else's behavior here, but I usually let things go for a long time before I start getting aggravated.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 2:43:57 PM
Thanks for all the encouragement everybody!
I am the first one to admit that marriage and parenthood has a lot of work involved, but to me the reward far outweighs the effort in both cases. I've had "bad days," I'll admit it - and I've been known to complain about it - but I try not to get caught up in a "negative spiral." We all need a good vent about things, but venting is different than criticizing and tearing people down.
I think you are all right that I can't let my friend's unrelenting negativity shade my life. I'm just going to need to back off and see what happens after that.
You guys really are the best!
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| oldbittyhen |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 11:25:07 AM
WOW, with a friend like that , who needs enemys, LOL. I would have kicked this women to the curb awhile back, its not healthy for you, your kids, or is it healthy for her and her family, I would be interested to know if she is treating others the same way, maybe someone needs to step in a suggest counseling/mental health help...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 11:10:26 AM
I think Amy is right--I often wonder if the questioning of things to do with parenting is really a reflection of personal insecurities from the questioner?
Whenever I take Violet to this little park up the street from my mom's, I'm bombarded by moms asking "if she's school aged?" "Where will you send her?" "My son/daughter goes to _________ and it's the BEST school around. It costs ______ a year and it's a semi private school, so...." So...what?
I just choose to let Violet be Violet. Currently, she digs stuffed animals, blankets, pizza and T-Rex. What's childish or babyish about little girls playing with dolls, I'm wondering?
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| MrsRooster |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 10:56:11 AM
I would rather my six year old plays with dolls. She isn't worried about clothes and keeping up with the neighbors.
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
www.morganicinstitute.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
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| FarmDream |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 07:57:40 AM
I haven't met anyone that negative yet. But it does seem that there's a lot of criticism no matter how you're raising your child. It seems moms are always apologizing for their way of raising their kids, even when it's good. I have a friend who homeschools her girls and they are interested in American Girl and handmade toys. I think it's great and I know that my DD will never be like that. But I know right from wrong and I know her kids are going to turn into productive, responsible, well liked adults. My DD will too but she'll be interested in other things like nature, gardening, and probably have some extreme mountaineering career.
I have met several women who like to say their child is going to such and such school and they are in 20 different extra curricular activities, blah blah blah. I see it as keeping up with the Joneses, especially if they have a need to tell me, a complete stranger about it. If your kids enjoy that, fine, but don't condescend to me in the McDonald's playground. I find when I'm asked those questions about my kid, it is more of them gauging where I fit in on their social ladder. I would guess that your friend is probably associating with people who make her feel like her and her kids aren't good enough and she is mimicking that with you. I would definitely step back for awhile. Who needs that kind of aggravation in their life?
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
| MrsRooster |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 07:54:25 AM
I know this sounds cold, but friends can be friends for a season and sometimes that season comes to an end. I do not hang around negitive people. Life is too short. Family is in this catagory sometimes too.
I know lots of people who are this way. I really hate the dog pile on the husband things too. Yes, my hubby has faults. So do I, but I try to focus on the positive. Marriage isn't easy and no one said that you don't have to work at it. Family and friends are the same way.
I would let your friend cool off for a while. If she wants to talk to you then talk to her, but don't let her make you feel that you did something.
I am praying for you.
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
www.morganicinstitute.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
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| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 07:40:20 AM
It sounds like things just aren't that rosy in her world. I'd just stay away for a while--it's a shame because she's so down on life that she can't even see that she's alienating people who could actually help her, or be a good resource. Especially with that comment about motherhood--you didn't say, "yeah, it can suck sometimes.." which is what she wants--someone to side with her, to make her feel like she's not the only one. You can't do that if you don't feel that way, so to her (because of the headspace she's in) you just seem preachy and self righteous (even though you're not). I've known people like this who resent people in happy marriages because theirs isn't so great at the time, or they're separating or divorcing--they make degrading comments about their spouse and expect you to tear yours down. When I don't, or when I say, "wow, I'm sorry you're experiencing that--my husband has his faults, but that's not one of them.." the conversation turns to what THEY'VE noticed that's horrible about my husband, even down to his shoes...
Anyone who says it isn't work, being a mom, is wrong, but it's a job I enjoy--not each and every second, but the good always outweighs anything that could be deemed tough.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 07:25:52 AM
Jonni - I have wondered if it's some sort of jealousy issue, but I also think, as you said, if that's the case it's very "high school" of her.
Amy - I have also thought what you expressed - I can't imagine why she still wants to be my friend if she thinks everything I do is wrong. If I'm such an idiot, in her opinion, why even be around me?
I will say that she told me something odd a little ways back - out of the blue one day she told me motherhood wasn't what she thought it would be, she wasn't having any "fun" doing it and anyone who said they were enjoying it (I think she meant me) was a liar. I told her I didn't feel the same way, but she got kind of mean with me again and I let it drop.
I think I may need to back off from being around her...all that negativity just gets me down!
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| farmmilkmama |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 06:58:37 AM
Oh, the Negative Nellies. A couple times I dealt with this it was just the mom going through a rough spot and it eventually stopped, but another friend that did this I had to just stop talking to because it never quit. Seriously, if you're going to tell me how everything I'm doing is wrong and stupid, WHY do you even want to be around me? Because it makes you feel better to point out what you *think* is wrong?
I'm with Jonni. If you back off for awhile, she's either going to not continue the friendship or she's going to ask why you're avoiding her. Perfect opportunity to say "Gee, I figured with all the things you think I'm doing wrong with myself and my children, I didn't figure we had much in common anymore."
I don't get why people do this, because I try to live by the same "if you can't say anything nice..." thing. All I know is that when I figure out people are like this, I have to move on. It's not good for my sanity (or YOURS!!!) to be around these people, and its certainly not supportive to my (or YOUR!!) children. :)
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 06:52:02 AM
I haven't, but it sounds like a she could be a little jealous...is she a working mom? Maybe things aren't that great at her house, or she feels out of control with her own child (or husband). What's the old adage? "S*** rolls down hill..." If she's feeling crappy about her own life and yours seems ideal to her, she's probably just lashing out at you to try to beat you down. Though it's unfair and seems very "high school" to me, it also seems like really normal human behavior.
I'd just confront her--or step back for a while. If she asks why you're avoiding her, it's a perfect opportunity for you to speak up.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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