| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Sep 28 2010 : 06:46:22 AM
In our family dynamic, even before a baby, I've always been the responsible one--I handle the bills, maintain the cashflow, buy the groceries, clean the house for the most part (he does his share much more now than before) do the laundry and generally make life "normal" like making sure there is always toilet paper! Now, with the addition of our little one, who is now 19 months old, I do that stuff, plus 10 times more. And still try to be a wife, make sure my make-up is on, work full time, etc...It leaves little time for me to be "fun".
So, my little girl just likes her "Daddy" better--he's not concentrating on all that stuff, so he can be the tickle machine 24/7, or the airplane ride or the pony ride...Violet and I spend a lot of time together in the evenings, when he's at work and yet she still can't say "Momma" or any form of it. I'm Bop Bop. She can say "moo" and "m & m" though. She'll climb into my husbands arms even if I'm sitting on the sofa, too, and if he's with me when I pick her up at Nana's or whatever, she runs right past me to him....I'm not even in the running 
Last night, after her bath and fresh toasty jammies, I had to change her into a new pair b/c she'd been all over the hardwood floor (b/c it's been so dry, it's difficult to keep up with the "dust" 4 dogs make). So, at 10:00, my husband is rolling around with her on the floor and I said, "ok--enough, you two--she needs to be in bed, winding down ages ago, and you both need to get up off this floor!" He got irritated and told me I was "too uptight".
I'm torn--I really think she needs structure and routine and, honestly, WHO else is going to do all this stuff? If I DON'T put the diaper bag together, he sends her off on 96 degree days in long sleeve shirts and jeans b/c he doesn't check the forecast (or apparently go outside!) He's always the jokey-happy-go-lucky guy with few rules. Cookies for breakfast, jammies all day long (until about 5 minutes before I walk in the door from work) and just a general laxity that I don't have--can't seem to create in myself, even if I tried.
I just feel like my own child doesn't even really care if I'm around or not--and it makes me sad. I'm just that lady that makes sure she has everything she needs...whatever her name is....I know I'm being a real sadsack, but I'm beginning to resent my husband--he's an incredible father, but it hurts a bit.
Have any of you found yourselves in these roles as parents? What can I do to convey this to my spouse? CAN I change or is the ingrained in my personality so much that it would be difficult to amend?
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| 6 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| msdoolittle |
Posted - Sep 28 2010 : 4:39:55 PM
I truly believe that little girls just find their daddies to be magical creatures. I really do. I believe that little girls have an especially strong bond with their dads. I was in the EXACT same place you were in with my first daughter. I felt the same way...Dad was all fun and games and mommy was the hardliner disciplinarian buzz-killing poopyhead! I have learned this:
1. Yes, kids do need some structure, such as consistent meal and bedtimes, but they also need fun-time and unstructured time. Daddies are great at this. I have learned to cover my eyes nowadays when Dad takes them out riding 4 wheelers or pushes them too high on the swing. I know my husband would NEVER want to see harm come to his babies, after all.
2.Daddies are gonna do stuff WAY different than you do. Yes, they may send them out in completely non-matching season inappropriate clothes. Yes, they will feed them cookies at inappropriate times (it's ok as long as it isn't everyday, right?). Yes, they'll push them too high on swings and let them paint pictures on top of your good tablecloth, but seeing as the alternative is either an uninvolved dad or lack of a 'daddy' altogether, I mean, really....let us women give praise to the wonderful daddies out there!
3. This time will never come again. As Diana said, get on the floor and play. I know it's very hard for us Type A moms to stop cleaning (or griping) long enough to just have fun, but just do it anyway. Choose your battles. Will this really matter in a day, a week, a month, or a year? Ok, so she got some furry pajamas now; so grab a lint roller and smile. Allow yourself to enjoy time with your baby!
As far as the DH goes, the best thing to do is not gripe or whine or huff and puff (I don't know why we ever thought that worked), and just come right out and say, "I would like for Violet to be IN BED by 8pm, because (she's too whiny in the morning, whatever, fill in the blank)." Men appreciate directness and honesty done nicely!
Some days I have to just grin and bear it, lol! You have to learn to relax; I promise that you will not regret it!
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
| DaisyFarm |
Posted - Sep 28 2010 : 10:19:49 AM
Oh Jonni, this is a well-documented "primary caregiver" phase and VERY typical of her age. It means nothing of the relationship you have and will have with your precious darlin' daughter. I remember this phase well and remember my DH trying to help with something which was met with a very loud "NO! MOMMY DO!" response! His feelings were so hurt! But this is just another phase that will come to pass and if/when you have another wee one, you will remember it and let it roll off of you. First baby's phases always catch parents by surprise!
Meantime I can relate to changing of the jammies. :)
From one Type A to another...
xo |
| Annika |
Posted - Sep 28 2010 : 08:22:49 AM
Oh Jonni, I'm not a mama, but I'd have to agree with Diana . Jump in on play time. MAKE yourself part of her fun-time. It must be difficult being the day-to-day working parent who spends so much time away from her little girl =( She has turned to him as the main caregiver and , you are ending up being "mama who?". No fun.
On another side. I'm the "no-fun" spouse in my relationship. I get told to lighten up when I'm just trying to get through the list of things that must be done. No real help there, I'm in the same boat.  Sounds like you are just having a basic personality tangle and running up against things that irritate both of you. *hugs* Relationships are ALWAYS a work in progress.
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Palouse Prairie Girls Chapter
http://palouseprairiegirls.blogspot.com/
http://prairiegirlsjournal.blogspot.com/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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| Alee |
Posted - Sep 28 2010 : 08:20:02 AM
Jonni-I know exactly what you mean! I think Diana has the key though. And I know it eats into the time after she goes to bed, but if you have to, reserve a few things to do like making up the diaper bag until after she is in bed. Or have two so you can swap them out so you always have one made up.
Somethings like the messed up jammies are going to have to be givens with the pets- so if that means buying a couple more jammies so that you can have some "spares" for play time then I would totally go for it.
Also assert yourself with your husband. Tell him "This is my time with her to play- but we need a morning snack packed" or whatever.
*hugs* I hope it gets better for you soon!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Sep 28 2010 : 08:13:02 AM
I truly appreciate your answer, Diana. You're right--these days won't come back, will they? I just have to learn to "let go" a little...it's tough for this type A, but it really is important. I don't want to miss out...
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| gramadinah |
Posted - Sep 28 2010 : 08:04:14 AM
I am with 100% as to structure But that said she is 18 months old and you are not feeling like you are a part of her fun life so when you come right down to it let some of it go and just enjoy her NOW. You will regain your house some time in the future but you will never get these days back. By the way my #3 grand girl was 2.5 when she finally said MaMa and now will not stop. And when he is rolling around on the floor playing take that time for a bath or quality time for you if you don't want to play. And have him put her to bed. But my advice is get on the floor.
Diana
Farmgirl Sister #273 |
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