| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| melody |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 2:24:13 PM
Thank you ladies for all of the sound advice.... |
| 14 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| CherryMeDarlin |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 07:24:27 AM
Melody, know that I am praying for you, specifically for strength, guidance, and wisdom. I have a 17 yo daughter and I am the enforcer, also. We've been blessed that our daughter is what is considered a "good girl". She's responsible and mature and even logical. But she's an only and has been treated like a little adult her entire life.
Still, we've had our share of issues and respect has been the biggest one. What I've learned is that things have to be kept as simple as possible and as straight-forward as possible. We do explain our rules, the "why" of them. And Corinne is right about the language. We use the words "responsibility", "consequences", "freedoms", "respect", and "expectation" a lot. Our rules are simple. She is allowed no freedoms until her responsibilities are taken care of and they meet my expectations. When we stopped calling them chores and started calling them responsibilities, her whole attitude changed. If she abuses her freedoms, there are consequences. You just have to keep it simple. And that seems easy to say, harder to put into practice, and it can be at times. That's where you have to stick to your guns. You can not relent. Lauren will tell you that when we ground her, she is truly grounded, not like her friends who are grounded for a few days and then wear their parents down until they just let them off just to get some peace.
As far as pitting you and your husband against one another, that's a typical teen-age trick. What happened in my situation isn't feasible for every marriage, but my husband and I divorced when Lauren was 13 and he got a big ol' double helping of what it meant exactly to have a teen-age daughter. He had to be the enforcer and had to deal with everything I'd been "complaining" to him about where she was concerned. It was the absolute best wake-up call! When we remarried, he had a whole new appreciation for down-and-dirty parenting. Now, don't get me wrong; we've been back together for 5 years now and he's still the push-over and I'm still the hard-nose, but he 100% backs me up. You and your husband can disagree about parenting issues, just NEVER so she knows it or she'll use it to her advantage as any typical teen-ager will do. They're sneaky and manipulative. So were we.
I just don't know about the cutting issue. It's an obvious cry for attention. It may even be a manipulation tactic. Especially if she does it after she doesn't get her way. You may not have known about it for 3 years, but she did it knowing how badly it would hurt you if you were to find out. It's easy to say what I'd do in that situation because I've never been in that situation. I have thought about what I'd do. A friend of mine and I discussed it. My answer was that if Lauren were to ever cut, I'd tell her that the behavior was unacceptable and until I could trust her not to do it, she would have to be watched 24/7 and then proceed to treat her as though she were in a psych ward and a real danger to herself. Maybe I OVER-simpify the behavior because I believe it's just a way for them to strike back at us whenever we do something they believe is unfair or not right. They feel we have all the control and it's their way to take some of that control away from us and hurt us in the process if/when we know about it. That's why I believe she didn't want you to take her to the ER, because her intention was to hurt you, not some stranger, and she had accomplished that. I think it was the very best thing for you to do and know it was also one of the most difficult things you've ever had to do.
But I understand your husband's fear given his best friend committed suicide. Does your daughter know about this friend? It might change her attitude if she's aware of it. Or she might use his fear to her best advantage, another typical teen-age trick. They will do anything to get their way. It's just their nature at this age.
The cutting does add a different element to your situation. But I believe the bottom-line should be clear, concise rules and expectations followed by clear, concise freedoms and consequences. And you have to be consistent no matter what. "If this ________, then that _________." Period. End of story. No discussions or arguments. No emotions. You can not let your fear of her hurting herself rule your home. IF the cutting is a manipulation tactic, and I'm not saying it is in your situation, then you definitely have to be firm and consistent. If you don't, I'm afraid that you're teaching her that she can use whatever means necessary to get her way.
It is hard, Melody, especially knowing that it just doesn't have to be this hard. It's exhausting. And you won't receive the appreciation or respect you truly deserve until she's grown and dealing with her own hard-headed daughter. I've told Lauren many times that the best compliment she can give me is to call me "mean". That just tells me I'm doing my job right. I also tell her that when I birthed her, God gave me a very precious gift and He put me in charge of that gift and if I don't do my job right in raising her, then I have to answer to Him for it so if she doesn't like my rules, she can take it up with Him because I refuse to screw this up!
Great big bear hugs to you, Melody!
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
| Especially For You |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 06:13:07 AM
Melody,
I am praying!!!!
I believe counceling would be a good idea, do you have a pastor that all of you would feel comfortable talking to ? I think family counceling would be best so your husband can get on the same page. But whatever you do just know that myself and all the other farmgirls are here when you need us.
Hugs,
Tina |
| Corinnelouise |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 10:29:15 PM
Melody,I am so sorry you are going through all the pain and worries with your DD. This book and it helped us a lot when I married DH and entered the world of his 2 kids, age 13 and 7 at the time.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (How to Help Your Child) by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (from 8 $ on Amazon).
They advice on the language to use to reach to the kids when we ask something from them and the advices are easy to follow.
Hope it helps.
I agree with the others, it seems that each parent takes a role on and everybody expects them to keep it. So if you have been the strong person in your family, maybe you can ask your DH to back you up, but keep going, they need to see that you are consistent with your actions and sayings.
We have a rule at home, that we would always back up the other "parent" decision and be one united front for the kids (not always easy). A big hug to you.
Corinne
Sister # 101
'Heaven on Earth' is a choice you must make, not a place you must find.
Dr. Wayne Dyer |
| Marybeth |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 7:34:29 PM
Responsibility is key. And you and your husband have to back each other up or as you already know she'll play you both. I have 4 daughters and they were all teens at the same time. I still have all my hair too. We were fairly strict and nobody drove or had a car until they had a job or were 18. Of course no cell phones back then. They turned out pretty good a few glitches along the way but nothing serious. I did and still do believe in 'Tough Love'. It's hard but it workks. One thing it says is that after 13 they don't listen to you any more. Well who knows. Also if she has a job and needs to get to it--well you just have to let the apron strings get looser and looser.
http://www.smallcityscenes.blogspot.com
www.strawberryhillsfarm.blogspot.com
www.day4plus.blogspot.com www.holyhouses-day4plus.blogspot.com
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!" |
| babysmama |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 7:27:49 PM
Wow Melody, you have a lot on your plate. You will be in my prayers.
That said, I don't know if I would take back any of the advice I gave you. Destructive behavior, such as cutting, is not going to go away just because you let her do as she pleases. There still needs to be rules in place. She is NOT doing this because you told her to go clean her room or wash the sink full of dirty dishes. It goes far beyond that. Thankfully you know now and can help her get help and it sounds like you are all on the right track. Can hubby and you find a counselor that specializes in teenage problems and go talk to her/him without your daughter present? I think the counselor can get it through to your husband is that what your daughter needs right now IS a structered home and rules. She can't pit him agaisnt you, it needs to be a united front. Cutting is no different than drugs, alcohol, anorexia or so on...it doesn't get better by letting them loose, it gets better by reining them in and getting them help and setting some ground rules. This I am sure you already know but hopefully hubby gets it soon.
I know it's easier to say on this side of the fence since I'm not going through it but I think you also need to hear that you ARE DOING THE RIGHT THINGS! Keep being her mother and know that things will turn around.
Hugs,
Elizabeth |
| RuralSuburbia |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 7:16:04 PM
OK, I at first I thought you meant she was cutting as in cutting classes, I did that, bad bad bad, lol. THEN I realized you meant she was hurting herself! OK, so there is a lot more going on in her life, your life, DH's history and scared to stir the pot...
Maybe our advice is too strong. Maybe you should consult her counselor for the best approach? Being 16 is hard enough, but cutting adds a whole 'nuther dimension...I'm so sorry...
But YOU still be strong! She needs a strong person in her life no matter what and it looks like God has appointed YOU. 
*I've got stars in my eyes and exactly $1 in my pocket!* |
| melody |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 5:30:33 PM
Thank you ladies for all the "sound" advice... |
| babysmama |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 4:49:45 PM
Melody-
I think after a day or two of not being able to go anywhere because she didn't get her chores done will snap her out of her deal and make her realize you mean business. No chores = no use of the car and no going out. And there is no need to remind her of the chores that need doing...you just don't hand over the keys until it is all done for the day.
Hubby needs to get on board with you. Explain that you are not asking too much of her and that he needs to back YOU up. Your daughter may be a very bright and good girl but that doesn't mean that she doesn't need chores or rules. And she is not respecting you, nor her house, by not doing what she is told or helping to keep the household running.
It wasn't too long ago that I was a teenager (I'm 26 now) so I know a little respect and a lot of rules do go a long way. She will thank you for it in the end when she has a home of her own and knows how to run it thanks to her mom.
-Elizabeth |
| 1badmamawolf |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 4:42:04 PM
First thing you do is take away the car, you drive her back and forth to work. No cell phone unless she can pay for it. No chores, then no going out or having friends over. A firm curfew, 11pm on fri/sat, 10pm the rest of the week, school or no school. I'm sorry, she has way too much freedom, you are just asking for trouble in these days and times! Stay tuff, we are all behind you!!!
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
| RuralSuburbia |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 3:42:03 PM
MELODY DON'T STOP BEING THE BOSS! It's exactly what she wants you to do! She's been trying to wear you down, and don't you dare let her win, not after all this time!
I'm the mother of a 16 yr old boy, I know the drill and the frustrations you're going thru. If your daughter won't abide by your rules, then she doesn't drive. Of course, your husband needs to be on board too, but seriously, the first time my son screws up and misses curfew in a car the I pay for, he's walkin'...for at least a week.
In a marriage, usually it IS only one parent who is the softy and one who is not, so take on your role with passion and devotion and determination! And with love, too, lol. Oh, and next time she turns on the tears, just get her 'a tissue for her issue' and carry on. !
*I've got stars in my eyes and exactly $1 in my pocket!* |
| knittingmom |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 3:34:47 PM
You need to talk to DH and he has to show that you and he are taking an equal stance on rules. It's not fair that you're the enforcer and he can be the hero. She sees that she can turn on the water works and here comes daddy to the rescue. If she wants to be treated as an "adult" she needs to act responsibly.
Chores are a part of life and she needs to plan her day accordingly. It doesn't matter if her friends aren't expected to help out in their homes she is. As a mom you do a lot for her she's old enough to pitch in.
If you do a family budget each month, maybe consider bringing her (and the older kids) to the planning table show her what it's like to run a household and the fact that even though she's paying for some of her expenses when she goes overboard you guys have to pick up the tab. Maybe suggest that if she wants to keep a cell phone SHE has to do research on different plans (cost, bells and whistles, etc.) because she will be taking that over herself (or most of it).
It's tough now a days in our "everything goes" society, especially difficult if her friends get to do whatever they want.
We're here to listen.
Anne-Marie
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" |
| Especially For You |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 3:33:37 PM
Oh Melody I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with your daughter. I raised 2 girls by myself. It was very hard!!!! You have to stick to your guns!! you are doign this for her. The reason that she is not in the trouble that your husband is talking about is because of you. Be strong!!!! Let us be your sounding board. I am praying for you!
Hugs,
Tina |
| melody |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 3:16:37 PM
Elizabeth....It is such a battle to have to remind her over and over to do her chores. I am the enforcer in this house, not by choice. She drives kids around to work or dentists appointment (?) that was a new one! or just roams. Yes. She did pay for half of the phone bill and I decided that we will not be having a cell phone when it expires July. I tell you Elizabeth all she has to do is turn the "waterworks" on and Dad comes running. I am so exhausted with this very old routine. I told DH today at lunch that I am not going to be the enforcer anymore...it's his turn. He thinks we are doing just fine and are lucky that she is not doing what her peers are doing drugs, drinking, etc. I expect so much more and DH just seems "resigned" to the situation. Should I just sit back and watch the fireworks?? Truely....I am so fed up.
Thanks for responding Elizabeth. It sure helps to let it all out.
Melody |
| babysmama |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 2:34:01 PM
Well, a new rule could be that she can't go anywhere until she is finished with her chores at home. Responsibility before fun. If it is your car (which I take it from your post) you just hang onto her keys until she lets you know she is finished with chores. Where is she when she is gone all day?
Did she pay the cell phone bill or do you? Some kids never learn responsibilty until they have to be responsible. If she wants a cell phone she pays for it, soon enough she will learn she can't talk on the phone all the time without having to pay more.
I think it is tough these days raising teens. Too many kids are so peer dependent that they seriously can't function if they don't see their friends everyday, all day long. It's all about parties and going out to eat and talking on the phone all day and texting.
Just sit your daughter down when you are both in a good mood and explain that there are some new rules that will be in effect but they will benefit you both. Even ask for her suggestions on some of the issues you have. Ask her what she would do if she were in your shoes. She will see you are treating her with respect and will hopefully chime in and agree to everything.
-Elizabeth |
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