| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Canadian farmgirl |
Posted - May 14 2008 : 07:51:07 AM
I need some advice today, from moms of older teens. Am I being unreasonable to expect my son to be home by 11 pm through the week, when he has to go to work the next day? He's a few weeks short of his 20th birthday, and I understand the need for independence at that age. He lives at home, rent free, and I do not grill him about his comings and goings, but I do expect him to be home by 11 pm when he has to get up for work the next morning and be out the door by 7:30 am. We do not have limits for the weekend, for him.
We seem to have this problem every few weeks, where he doesn't come home until 11:30-midnight, then the next morning he doesn't want to get up on time, which throws off the bathroom schedule for his other two siblings who have to get ready for high school and be out the door by 7:15 am to catch the bus. I speak to him about it, he's better for a while, then it starts happening again!
We had words this morning, as he was late coming home last night. I'm not telling him what time to go to bed, I just expect him to be home by 11. My husband is no help in this matter, he just says it's his problem, but IT'S NOT JUST HIS PROBLEM since it affects the rest of the house (and believe me, 15 or 20 minutes at 7 am can be a big deal). It's also a horrible way to start the day!
Overall, he's a good kid, doesn't get into trouble, is working a steady job, but he's always been a moody child. Am I over-reacting? The other two can't wait for him to move out, and I hate to admit it, but I won't miss this nonsense.
I believe that if you live at home, you should respect the house rules, no matter what your age. Should I back down on this one? My husband thinks I should--it's so hard when I'm always the disciplinarian.
Lori
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
| 18 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| willowtreecreek |
Posted - May 17 2008 : 6:08:28 PM
Awesome Lori. I hope it all work out.
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com
Felt and Fabric Crafts
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| Canadian farmgirl |
Posted - May 17 2008 : 06:49:12 AM
Update:
Last night we had a very calm, mature talk about things. It went surprisingly well!
We had a good discussion about the bathroom issue, and the havoc it's been causing. He even said it's not a good way to start the day! I brought in the other two kids to work out a schedule, and it's been agreed that he gets 20 minutes, from 6:30 to 6:50 am, and if it's 6:50 and he's not finished, he has to get out of there! I also turned it around for him, and asked him how it would make him feel if it was his turn and someone else was always in there? I think he got the point.
I have agreed to lift the 11 pm weeknight curfew, but I told him I expect him to act like an adult. I outlined the benefits he is enjoying at home, rent-free, like laundry service, meals, etc. and that he is getting a good deal, but we expect him to respect the house and its members.
So, hopefully things will be better. Thanks again for all your advice, ladies.
Lori
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
| willowtreecreek |
Posted - May 16 2008 : 08:19:33 AM
I do not have kids but I did live with my parents during college breaks until I got married at 22. My personal opinion is DON'T push a curfew. For me living at home was kind of a catch 22. I WANTED to feel grown up and like an adult but I was paying for school, paying for a car and working full time and lived in an area where there really was no affordable houseing for people my age. Plus since I was going to school in Arkansas and living at home in Vermont over school breaks, no one would lease me a place for a few months at a time. I wanted to respect my parents wishes for a curfew and such but I was also busy trying to find my place in the world. 20-somethings just don't go home at 11:00. Also it was REALLY embarrassing if I was out with people and had to tell them I had to get home because I had a curfew. that just doesn't go over well! It is REALLY hard being at that age and feeling like you have to live at home. My parents finally dropped my curfew and it was great. I stayed out REALLY late like twice, payed for it the next day and then was much more responsible about getting in on time. Just knowing I COULD saty out till 1:00 if I WANTED to made me feel better about myself.
I think it is great that you are letting your son stay with you. Expecting him to use the bathroom during a certain time in the morning sounds resonable but I would get rid of the curfew. He will FEEL more responsible for himself and in return will ACT more responsible.
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com
Felt and Fabric Crafts
www.willowartist.etsy.com
www.willowtreecreek.com
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| ruralfarmgirl |
Posted - May 15 2008 : 9:24:28 PM
I have 4 kids (ages 21,20, 17, 11) when the two older ones came home from College, we renegociated the times together.. came up with something that we could all agree on.. or at least settle on.. They knew I couldnt sleep if they werent in...The way I saw it.. was if they didnt want me a "mother" then I would be a landlord.. they couldnt have both... We agreed on Midnight.. they would come in and be responsible for the locking of the doors, shutting the lights out, and tapping on my door to let me know... I guess it wasnt to strict as they are both in the miltary now.... LOL.
Rene~Prosser Farmgirl #185
" Plant goodness, harvest the fruit of loyalty, plow the new ground of knowledge. Hosea 10:12 |
| Corinnelouise |
Posted - May 15 2008 : 8:35:17 PM
So many good avices here. I do not have children but when I married, my DH had 2, 14 and 8 at the times.. Me being the step mom and coming from a totaly different envirronement, back ground. having different ideas was complicated ...(I'm french, raised in France, they are Canadian) was a difficult task especially when everybody had been hurt through the divorce. I was given a book which helped me tremendously. It is good help for every kind relashionship, the confrontational ones as well : HOW TO TALK SO YOUR KIDS WILL LISTEN by ADELE FABER and ELAINE MAZLISH.
I checked it the other day on Amazon.com and they had a few copies used from as low as 3.95 $.
good luck ladies, it is a tough task to be a loving mom and to have the rules set and respected, but ya'll can do it.
Corinne
Sister # 101 |
| La Patite Ferme |
Posted - May 15 2008 : 2:46:05 PM
When I was 20 I worked at my college's sheep unit. During lambing season I came home at all hours or not at all. My parents didn't have rules about curfew, but I did have a schedule when I could use the bathroom (sis was still in high school). And, if I missed my designated time I had to wait. Maybe that's the solution. If he's late enough times and gets repremanded at work he'll manage his time differently. |
| Mumof3 |
Posted - May 14 2008 : 4:22:45 PM
Two of my kids had/have a midnight curfew. (One no longer lives at home.) It is a constant battle with one. This child does not believe that a curfew is necessary at 19, and I disagree. So we go back and forth constantly. My thought is, that if you cannot get things accomplished by midnight, you need to plan your time better. I do not get much help from this child either, as the things that said child needs to do are much more important. Ah, living with adult children is a real challenge.
I, like Jenny, do not get much support from my other half, as he is the peacemaker and does not like confrontation.
All I can say is one day he will move out, have his own family, and you will be the wise one to whom he turns. And you can sit back and say "Really? I don't know what to tell you. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling!" I believe that it is called justice. :)
Karin
Farmgirl Sister
# 18 :)
Wherever you go, there you are.
www.madrekarin.blogspot.com
www.madrekarin.etsy.com |
| Aunt Jenny |
Posted - May 14 2008 : 3:28:06 PM
My second son lived at home until he was 22 and our rule was that he needed to let me know if he wern't going to be home by 11pm....so I wouldn't worry. I didn't put up with any exceptions..he has a phone and I would embarrass him terribly if I was worried (only had to happen once) he had chores just like the younger kids and needed to help around the place and like that. He didn't share a room, so as long as he kept things quiet he could stay up as late as he cared to..in HIS room...not in the living room and all..although I have always been a night owl and would have been up until at least midnight myself..he has never been a late night guy. He shared a bathroom with 2 brothers..both had to go to school..but left after he left for work during the week, so we didn't have a bathroom problem...I was lucky that way for sure. He didn't ever pay rent (I didn't require it if he did chores and helped out) but he did help with groceries, and followed regular family rules. I feel like I was really lucky...I miss having him at home now that he is 28!! My other two grown boys didn't stay at home as long as he did. My husband wasn't alot of backup for me setting rules either and would have let him come and go when he pleased..which is hard on the whole family. Good luck!!
Jenny in Utah
Proud Farmgirl sister #24
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
| Forrester Farm |
Posted - May 14 2008 : 11:41:08 AM
I don't have tome to read everyones posts - just the first one. I just listened to the book, Parenting with Love and Logic for Teens. That exact issue is addressed, and it makes so much sense. If you can get the book or CD from your library, it is well worth the time. Great advice on getting our teens ready to fly the coop - while not loosing our minds as parents.
Ann
Forrester Farm
http://picasaweb.google.com/FORRESTERFARM/FORRESTERFARMWEDDINGS |
| Canadian farmgirl |
Posted - May 14 2008 : 11:37:27 AM
No apologies needed! I wanted some honest, straightforward advice, and I know you girls will do that.
This is all new territory with me, and it is frustrating when my husband doesn't back me up. I start to wonder, is it me? That's why I thought I'd post the topic.
You are right, we need to discuss these matters at a non-confrontational time, i.e. not tonight!
This is all definitely great advice, and I thank you all for taking the time today to share your thoughts.
Lori
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
| kissmekate |
Posted - May 14 2008 : 10:56:02 AM
Well said Angie.
Lori, I hope I didn't come across as too harsh. My apologies if I did.
But, I grew up with a tough love/blunt family, and forget sometimes that others didn't.
I think you are getting some great advice out there, and I myself will keep it in mind when it is my turn next year to "deal" with this type of situation.
I know telling the kid is one thing(go to school or you work full time and pay rent), actually doing it is another.
My son already told me "yea right" during our last "Come-to-Jesus" meeting regarding his future and this very topic.
I like the its my house, my rules saying, I say that a lot at my house. (OMG-I am turning into my parents!)
My son keeps insisting it is a demcocracy, and I keep explaining that our house is a Dictatorship.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
| sweetproserpina |
Posted - May 14 2008 : 10:48:25 AM
No advice but..
Lol! "stop cooking with cheese" .. those commercials were so funny :) It might work, but who would want to stop cooking with cheese?.. *giggle*
I got a magnet from the cheese council at the royal winter fair, it says "The Cheese Stays, You Go"
;)
"Isn't it splendid to think of all the things there are to find out about? It just makes me feel glad to be alive--it's such an interesting world."
http://theprimroseway.blogspot.com/ |
| emsmommy5 |
Posted - May 14 2008 : 09:29:02 AM
Right now I pretty much have a flop house. Out of 5 kids, we have a 24 yo, 22 yo, 18 yo, and 15 yo still at home. The 20 yo stays here more than his place (he's a resident at the fire station.)The 18 yo has curfews, even though at times it is a struggle to get her to keep them.
The oldest two do not have curfews, but they do help with expenses. But they rarely stay out late because they both have to be to work in the morning. THe oldest has paid rent for several years, it's only $150 a month, but he is VERY generous with helping with groceries and such. The 22 yo is saving to go to school, but he helps with gas for the car and a few other things.
Being responsible is the issue. Not interrupting the family in the morning seems like it is the most important thing at this point. Staying up late and then having to get up for work is his responsibility- don't get caught up in the emotional side of that on. But his "get ready" time is not to interfere with the rest of the family. If his coming home late interferes with the family, then the curfew is appropriate.
I realize it's tough when they are this age. I am right there with you. But the key is to remember they are flexing those wings so they can get out on their own. As long as my kids are being good and in school (high school or college), they don't have to pay rent. Once they are working and not in school, they do. The rules of the family apply if you are going to live in our house and if you don't like it, well, I will be glad to pick up some boxes for you so you can pack.
My whole theory is that I refuse to get into an emotional state over things that are their responsibility. The rules around here are pretty cut and dry and they have to live with it. There are life lessons that have to be learned, sometimes the hard way. Realistic reactions, realistic consequences that "fit the crime", take the emotional reactions out of it and you will save alot more of your sanity.
Every path has its puddle. We have a choice - Turn around, walk around, or jump in and have fun! |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - May 14 2008 : 09:19:17 AM
Lori, I don't have a teen, or older teen, but I was one, living at home for a time. When I was 19, I was back home for the summer from England and I figured that I could go and come as I pleased...but I was quickly made to realize that my needs were NOT at the expense of others. If I came in at 4 am, it was inevitable that the dog barked and the cats woke up and then....so did everyone else in the house. So, my mother nipped it in the bud. It was unfair of me to inconvenience everyone in our household for my agenda--even if it wasn't intentional.
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
| corporatefarmgirl |
Posted - May 14 2008 : 09:14:16 AM
Hi Lori -
I have had adult children (over the age of 18)living with me before ( one is back now). I hear the arguments of "I am old enough to come in when I want", "I am over 18", ect, ect... But, here is what it comes down to. Your son is now an adult if he is living in your home then he must abide by the rules. Now if you wan to change the rules and say -- OK, you're over 18, you want to be treated like an adult then you need to understand some new guidelines -- Then you can specifiy the guidlines. For us it was "come in when you like but if you disturb our sleep then the time changes and you are responsible for getting yourself up in the mornings". He purchased the alarm clock and from there on in I did not deal with the waking him up problem. If he got up late he had to wait for the bathroom not the kids in school.
Bottom line is he needs to respect your rules in your home. My son ended up moving in with buddies because we had to go back to being in the door by 10:00pm during the week. Best thing that ever happened to him
Tamara
http://smallfarm.about.com small farms give big benefits
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| Canadian farmgirl |
Posted - May 14 2008 : 09:06:19 AM
Thanks for the advice so far. I posted on here because I knew there were others out there who've gone before me!
He doesn't pay rent because he's apprenticing in his job, and still has school sessions to go to (he just finished an 8-week term). Also, he helps out on the farm when he can, and he doesn't get paid a great wage, and with car insurance so high for young guys, we thought we would be nice and give him a break. (But when he complains about me not buying enough pop or junk food, I tell him he's quite welcome to buy his own and keep it in his room or put his name on it!) My husband never had to pay rent to live at home, but my parents charged us, once we were working full time.
I know I have to let go, bite my tongue, etc. but it's hard when it's the first child and you're still learning!
He never misses work, he has a good work ethic there. But as a mom, I know when they get run down, they get sick, etc. And, I am aware that young people can go on much less sleep than we can! (I can hear you all, let go!)
If he did live on his own, we wouldn't have to put up with the morning rush/chaos! I think that's what's most annoying right now.
School will be out in a few weeks, so we won't have the 7 am bus rush in the summer, but we still need to address this. I talked to my husband a few weeks ago about consequences, but what are we going to do, we can't exactly take away his vehicle! He doesn't really have any house chores here.
Guess I'll have to stop cooking with cheese! (that's a commercial here in Canada to get your kids to move out )
Lori
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
| kissmekate |
Posted - May 14 2008 : 08:37:55 AM
Lori,
I have a night owl son as well. I told him long ago, if he wants to stay up late, fine with me. BUT, he isn't allowed to skip school, make his sister and I late in the morning, or keep us up with any noise/nonsense either.
He isn't a morning person at all, but he does get up and get moving without any arguement.
Let him know that he can stay out as late as he wishes.
BUT, you will not tolerate any BS from him. ie. he can't keep others awake when he comes home late, or make others late in the morning if he is having a hard time getting going,or blow off work because he is too tired/run down to get up.
You need to tell him it is time to grow up and be a man.
Also, your husband needs to back you up no matter what.
If your son does keep you up, or makes you late in the morning, or blows off work the next day, then I would revisit any restrictions/consequences to follow.
i.e. a Curfew, paying a "late" fee/fine, extra chores to help etc.
It also sounds to me like you need to let go of control a little too, and he is trying to assert his independence a little.
I say give it to him, but remind him you won't tolerate his related BS-making everyone else late in the morning. And tell him "Real" Grown-Ups get up and go to work whether they are exhausted or not.
I would try having this conversation with him in a nonconfrontational manner-when you aren't mad at/frustrated with him.
Ask him "If he did live on his own, what do you think he would be doing at his own place?"
Mentioning getting his own place may make him straighten up because he just isn't ready yet.
Speaking of which, why isn't he paying rent?
At my house growing up, if you didn't go to school/college and lived at home, you paid rent. Not a lot, but enough to stretch our budgets a little, and to get Mom and Dad's point across to get our butts in school.
I already told my son (he is the oldest) that if he doesn't go to college after he graduates next year, he WILL be getting a Full Time job, and he WILL be paying rent. A lot of rent!
Or,he is out of the house.
(Personally, I think that would be the best thing for him and his know-it-all self.)
Just some things to consider.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
| Leezard |
Posted - May 14 2008 : 08:17:18 AM
I don't know about setting a time for him to be home but maybe setting a time when he can't be in the bathroom getting ready to go to work so the other kids will be assured use of it for getting ready for school. He's got to understand that while it is important to get to work it is his own responsibility to be a part of the house schedule because of the need for the other two to get to school. If he's got a set bathroom time then he's either got to stick with it or he goes to work without having that grooming time. Being that he is 20 it's kind of hard to set a curfew and I do know that it is hard to deal with this kind of situation with his age and him being your son. I wish you all the luck in the world with this and I hope there are others with some more advice for you!
http://ruby--slippers.blogspot.com/
www.leezard.etsy.com |
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