| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| chicken necker |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 07:34:29 AM
My daughters and I have EVERYTHING! We don't have need for anything money can buy! I know some people are going to roll their eyes and start to think what a pathetic ungrateful person I am. But Trust Me, you would not think that if you knew How we got that way. TMI! (but it's exactly what led me to the book and this place!)In the past year, I realized just how the situation was making my life miserable and making my daughters, ages 12 and soon to be 14, into to greedy, lazy, sloppy, ungrateful and rude people I don't even like anymore! Believe me, I love them with my whole heart, but watching them behave like this is breaking it.
Last night, I was actually crying over it all. A little snafu (my own fault)led them to find a christmas present. It was something they had asked for but I wasn't able to get the 'color' they wanted. I had searched high and low for this spending hours and hours. Well, my oldest, after expressing her utter disapproval, informed me that she will just sell it and get the one she really wanted, giving me the nasty look! I didn't even have it in me to be angry, I just burst in tears.
That's just the straw that broke the camel's back unfortunately. I've been trying to reverse the damage every way I can think of! Having discussions, drawing up help and chore charts, teaching them "how" to do things for themselves, explaining why I am not the housekeeper, why they don't "need" all this material garbage, etc...etc. I even tried to "show" them by having a garage sale of my own excesses (except for the computer. my family is so widespread that this is the best way to keep in touch.) I stopped watching tv over a year ago. Things like that. They treat me like dirt unless they want something. They treat the house and even their precious must haves like everything is disposable and replaceable. They are rude and snobby. They fight constantly with each other and me.
I do realize that teens can be difficult. But this change is SO dramatic! Everyone used to say how wonderful, helpful, generous and kind they were. Relatives would ask to babysit for no reason!
Counseling has not worked either. In fact, it got worse and now they refuse to go. I wasn't very happy with the counselor either especially once finding out she didn't have any kids herself!!
Sorry so long and wordy, but I am really at the end of my rope and Christmas is already ruined. Help!
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. ~anon |
| 21 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| kissmekate |
Posted - Dec 12 2007 : 5:58:47 PM
quote:
Originally posted by nubidane
OK kind of extreme(raised by a marine), but if they get too bad, just strip their rooms of everything except a bed & only necessary clothing. Let them earn things back based on behavior and good deeds.
Or if they want something new, let them have a garage sale & sell their old things to make money for a new item.
My parents never did this, but my Mom works with a lady who did this with her girls. She only had to do it a couple of times. 
I love it that you got Dad involved-yay!
Mine thought he was entitled to all of the latest and greatest. I made him earn most of what he wants, the rest were gifts.
My youngest child, who is eleven, came home one evening after visiting a girl from the "rich" part of town and complained that we don't have cable, or a computer in my room, etc. etc.
It broke my heart. I still haven't caved in though.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
| Alee |
Posted - Dec 11 2007 : 1:36:38 PM
Yay! I am doing a happy dance for you and for your girls, Chicken Necker! I know that this will be a hard time for them, but in the end they will appreciate it! Good job on sticking to your guns and making a huge change in your life and in theirs! *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
The amazing one handed typist! One hand to keep Nora out of trouble! |
| Carolinagirl |
Posted - Dec 11 2007 : 12:38:38 PM
My eight year old has started coming round asking why she can't have X (a laptop, a cell phone, a computer in her room, a television...) because she hears her friends saying they have X, or knows of adults getting their children X. I just tell her that's not the way we do it. Period.
I'd have to return the Christmas item and not give her anything in return for it, except for a note saying where you'd donated the money in her name. |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Dec 11 2007 : 12:17:53 PM
You go girl! I'm really proud of you for standing up for yourself, but also attempting to make your girls better people--enriching their souls, and teaching them that nothing in life is permanent--and what we THINK we need is WAY overrated. Giving of oneself is far superior, and you will, in turn, be repaid. That also goes for bad karma, too, you know
What did my mom always tell me? Oh yes, "What goes around comes around, girl!!!"
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
| chicken necker |
Posted - Dec 11 2007 : 11:56:21 AM
Thanks to you all I may have just been able to get through to them! Not only did I tell them about posting thier behaviour on a forum, I showed them your answers! Now they know that for one, I am not losing my mind, and for two I've got plenty of backup, LOL!
First, we are going to the local soup kitchen over the holidays. Then we will be making a trip to the homeless shelter to deliver all of our unnecessary items. From this point forward, I will provide the necessary standard "clothes, roof over their heads and food in their stomachs" Gasp! They will be able to earn an allowance once a week, that they can pay for the "junk" they seem to need, provided they follow all the rules, complete all their chores (which have been dramatically increased in the last 24 hours!) and they must not fight with anyone for any reason at any time. But there's a catch. If they break the rules AT ALL, the first time that week, no allowance. The second time that week, I take away one thing and so on. The next week, they can earn one thing back but not the allowance. And if by the spring community yard sale, they haven't earn back any items, it gets sold! (Even got Dad onboard!)
So, last night and this morning have been blissfully quiet and they were the sweet things!
Oh I'm not going to be celebrating too much yet. But I do know that if it doesn't stick with them and they don't change their ways, thier rooms will look just like "Nubidane" suggested and I'm going to have alot more money in savings for that farm! Cheerio!
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. ~anon |
| MasterGardener |
Posted - Dec 11 2007 : 09:02:52 AM
I think you're on to something there Lisa...the methods might teach a bit of respect for what parents provide (posessions) above and beyond the bare necessities. Also might teach children the value of taking responsibility for behaviors, ie., bad behavior has consequences/good behavior has rewards. Really, sounds like the value systems of a previous generation where children earned & learned the value of a dollar.
.• ´¨¨)) -:¦:-¸.•´ .•´¨¨))
((¸¸.•´ ..• -:¦:- -:¦:- Chandra
-:¦:- ((¸¸.•´Farmgirl Sister #64
She considereth a field, and buyeth it; with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
Proverbs 31:16 |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Dec 11 2007 : 08:31:53 AM
Nunidane- wasn't raised by a Marine but boy my Mom was ever the Seargent!!! If something wasn't put back or we whined or just broke things because, she boxed it up and put it in the attic, which we couldn't get too!!! Only happened once to me and I learned my lesson.
Cheers,
Heather |
| nubidane |
Posted - Dec 11 2007 : 08:11:58 AM
OK kind of extreme(raised by a marine), but if they get too bad, just strip their rooms of everything except a bed & only necessary clothing. Let them earn things back based on behavior and good deeds.
Or if they want something new, let them have a garage sale & sell their old things to make money for a new item. |
| DaisyFarm |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 11:53:59 AM
Chicken necker - what you are thinking is exactly what we did 7 years ago. I had three daughters that had grown up in a top dance studio, theater and shopping malls. While they were never materialistic (we couldn't afford for them to be), their goals in life were to own this and that someday.
So after much thought, out we moved (much to the horror of my then 15 year old) to 13 rundown acres,a filthy old farmhouse and more garbage than you could ever imagine. We scrubbed and cleaned and painted to make a home. Long story short...they only all moved out last year and still come home to "de-stress" from their working lives. They all got right into the farmer's market, volunteer fire department, etc. It was a total lifestyle flipflop for them, but one that I wanted them to experience. None of them ever longed for their city lives again. As a matter of fact, I'm sure that if we had proper accommodation, they'd all still be living here!
Di
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| catscharm74 |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 11:49:57 AM
Johnni- oh my!! That is horrible...I would have really had to refrain from smacking that child if she did that too me. Call the abuse police...I know..but that girl probably has done it before and will do it again!! She needs to learn her lesson.
My nieces are very much like this. Then went to their Aunt's house and proceded to destroy the decorations for Christmas- throwing the glass balls off the back porch and then they ripped down the streamers she had up. My sister in law did NOTHING and did not replace a single thing. My nieces called her house "junky" because she has an older home, not much money and those kids have no respect. They are 8 and 6 and are spoiled rotten. I would have tanned their backsides....
When I was a hairdresser, I downright refused to do any girls hair that came in. I lived in a snooty part of town and the girls were famous for being snotty and brats when they would come in. I just refused them service. I couldn't take the sniveling and whining and no discipline. Brats!!!
Cheers,
Heather
Cheers,
Heather |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 11:40:08 AM
Hey, Chicken necker, it could be worse. My mother works retail (in a cosmetic/fragrance dept.) and an 11 year old spoiled rotten girl was asked nicely by an associate to stop digging the eyeshadows with her grubby fingernail over the weekend, the child's mother overheard the exchange, came around and berated my mother's co-worker and THEN the 11 year old SPIT on the co-worker. And the mother did NOTHING except raise her chin defiantly and then made a complaint with management.
I wouldn't have been able to have walked out of that store if it were me....
So, yeah, sign em up!!!
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
| Firemama |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 11:36:49 AM
When we lived in California, we lived in a rural town, that was building up.Alot of the houses were brand new beautiful and Dang expensive. We could afford that.When my son was 6/7 he said our house was the worstest cause we didnt have stairs and it was old and gross. It wasnot,so I told him for a week or so,we are lucky to have a house at all. He didnt believe this, didnt really get the concept of being homeless.After a while more of hearing how so and so had a new car and new house and why didnt we. I took him downtown.I showed him people DO actually live in boxes actually DO have to sleep in the rain. That got to him. He reminds ME now sometimes,when I am complaining,You get what you get and you dont throw a fit.
ChickenNecker, I hope that you are abloe to find a medium, let your girls know that crud might work with Daddy,but you have the lessons behind the reasoning.Stick to your guns and dont back down!
Mama to 2
Your FreckleFaced Farm Girl!!
FarmGirl# 20
http://myfarmdreams.blogspot.com/
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| chicken necker |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 11:33:22 AM
Heather, Sure! The more the merrier! Not to mention extra help with the chickens, pigs and goats! :)
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. ~anon |
| chicken necker |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 11:29:22 AM
Jonni, that's an excellent idea! thanks
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. ~anon |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 11:25:42 AM
Yes, I was going to recommend taking them to volunteer too. Especially for something with children. Let them see how lucky they are. All of my family is very materilistic and think I am a fuddy dud for being so "farmgirl"..Please I don't mean to offend, their words not mine. I would rather my son play with some sticks and pots and pans than any plastic toy one could buy. He was given a plastic "cell" phone for a gift and carried it around with him the one time I went to the mall. ALL the women thought it was so cute but I hated it. It was generously donated the next day!!! : )
I think there is a fine line between teaching money values and being in your parents money business. I agree, be the parent now, friends later.
If you do take them to the farm, can I come?? I would so love to help and I will bring my DS, he is a hoot and hand full. We would have fun... ; )
Cheers,
Heather |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 11:15:47 AM
I agree with Diane--many parents today want to be friends, and do whatever they can for their children to make them happy, but I remember trying to please my girlfriends in middle school and all it got me was gossip behind my back and very little respect. I tell you one thing, if my mother had gotten that reaction from me after she'd spent her time and money, I wouldn't have gotten that item--it would have gone RIGHT back to the store, and all the whining and slamming of doors in the world wouldn't have changed her mind. I think she learned the hard way as a little girl. My gran was a single mom, raising two girls in the late 40's, with little education, and no drivers license. She did about 5 different jobs, mostly taking in laundry, and did her best to get them what they wanted...one Christmas, my mother was obviously bummed about what she recieved and said, "Is this it????", so my gran picked up all of my mom's gifts, (left her sisters gifts) and locked them in the closet for a year, and then went up stairs to cry behind a locked door in her bedroom. My mom has NEVER forgotten it--or, probably forgiven herself.
I know this might be "off the charts" but have you ever considered taking them to a charitable organization where others are less fortunate and all of you volunteering as a family? I was an only child, but I was raised in a home where (now I know we didn't have much) but I never knew it then because it was instilled in me that we give give give to others who don't "have"...whenever church was going somewhere to donate time, money, work in soup kitchens, my mother signed me up--whether I wanted to go or not, and by the end of my soujourn, I was grateful that I was there, and for what I'd learned. I'm more charitable today, even more so when I haven't got a dime to my name. I have to be. It will come back to you eventually, in fact, it already has tenfold.
It's not too late, but you do need to get these gals on a path of selflessness. They're our future, and this sad world needs big hearts and big minds to conquer what's headed our way--sign em up for the soup kitchen!!!!
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
| chicken necker |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 11:01:49 AM
I appreciate the good thoughts but I quess it's time for TMI. I'm not the one with the money. This all started when their father and I separated over two years ago. I mistook the "strong silent type" for the cold unemotional type. He bought love and demanded respect for it. Still does. My sticking to a tight budget, "teaching" money matters and saying No, does me no good. He wants them to have everything he never did.
That being said though, I've been thinking about it all day and I am ready to take charge! If I have to sell every single thing lock stock and barrel and buy a small farm out in the middle of nowhere and plunk their little behinds on it, So Be It! I'm the grown up here, though you wouldn't think that if you met me ,lol. Thanks y'all for the encouragement and the space to vent so I had more room in my head for solutions!
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. ~anon |
| DaisyFarm |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 10:51:26 AM
I think a couple of wise statements have been made here. Heather's "set the rules and do not budge" is very good. Happy children know their boundaries and the rules and consequences. It teaches them self-discipline and let's face it, when you are younger, the worst person to have to answer to is yourself when you KNOW you're in the wrong! Geez I hated that! lol
I also think Alee's Mom was a very wise woman. While growing up Alee may not have thought so, but I think it probably instilled in her a work ethic and discipline like no other. Also, look at what Alee writes about her Mom now..."we are the best of friends". A VERY good insight here.
Something I've noticed a lot of in this generation is parents that want to be their children's "friends". Save that for when they are adults. You are NOT their friend, you are their parent! My personal thought is that it is our role as a parent to teach our children that "it feels good to do good". Accomplish that and they will raise themselves into wonderful, productive adults.
While I admittedly only know what I have read here, one person I have to mention that I admire is our own Aunt Jenny. She has four beautiful children with their own special challenges, but those children fell into the lap of an angel. She has them involved in so many activities that help them to feel good about themselves and teaches them to appreciate pleasure from simple things.
Di |
| GaiasRose |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 09:56:24 AM
We have the blessing of having saved well, made good investments and get generous gifts of money for the holidays every year. We try our best not to live on it, or talk about it. Perhaps not discussing YOUR ADULT finances with children might help. Not going to buy things just because you can. We do our very best to live simply despite the gifts and blessings we have been given-only using our money for huge expenses-like farm equipment, when we had to punch a new well, building greenhouses and chicken coops and purchasing for our gardens, etc. perhaps somethin glike Alee was mentioning might work.
The things most kids have today are ridiculous. I see no reason why a kid needs a cell phone-and the latest opne each time the latest one comes out-or a blackberry or whatever. The faniest thing we have is our computer and its the family's, not any one persons.
I dont think there are any easy answers here, but I do think it all starts with not involving children in adult matters. YES, they need to know about money and how it works and responsibility-but they also do not need to know your financial affairs.
The best of luck to you!
~*~Brightest Blessings~*~
Tasha-Rose
Blogs: http://gaiarose.wordpress.com
http://womonandsprout.wordpress.com
http://youtube.com/profile?user=GaiasRose
Homepage:
http://ForestFaeries.etsy.com
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| catscharm74 |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 09:29:02 AM
Oh Chicken Necker!!! BIG (((HUGS))) to you!! First of all, you are doing your best. Know that. Second, I would just keep setting the example and not give into them. You are doing them right, even if they don't realize it.
I grew up with a Sister who was very similiar to your daughters, except she picked on me for being a homebody, making my own things, taking care of my animals, etc... It really gave me insight to who I am and how I would raise my own children. Be strong!! Sometimes, they do have to learn. My sister to this day has had some of the spit knocked out of her but she still has her moments (She is 36!!!) People are now embarassed for her mostly.
I have a friend who had some very unruly children (6, 9, 11) and she first literally threw out the tvs, video games, etc. She had gone through a divorce and moved out to a very small home in the middle of 10 acres (she has inspired me to get back to my farmgirl roots!!) The kids has chores and consequences for not doing them. These were VERY spoiled children with a housekeeper, anything they wanted, etc...before the divorce. It took her about 6 months to get everyone on board, but she stuck it out. She still has some normal kid problems, but nothing like before. Her oldest daughter, who was very much a princess, is now showing her rabbits in the 4-H or something, wearing jeans, work boots and flannel. It can change.
She set the rules and did not budge.
Unfortunatley, our society is set up to nurture this behavior and you must know you are strong and able to change this. HUGS!!!!
Cheers,
Heather |
| Alee |
Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 09:24:04 AM
I can only imagine how you must be struggling. First *hugs!!* I know you and your daughters will get through this. When I was 14, I wasn't a treat to be around for my mom either, but now we are the best of friends.
It would be my inclination to return the whatever-it-is that you had bought her for Christmas and buy her something different. Maybe you could get her a gift card to a store she likes and let her buy her own present.
One thing my parents did when I was about her age was to make a "If you can't buy it yourself, you don't get it" policy. They would give me a budget for school clothes about twice a year. Lets say $100. So I could buy the designer jeans...and nothing else if I wanted. Or buy less expensive clothes and get a couple outfits. Then for anything that wasn't school related or critical for my health and well-being, I had to come up with the money for it. I had an allowance that was pretty small but that was okay. And when I was old enough I got a job. Both of those things taught me a lot and I feel gave me a good work ethic. I also learned that things weren't just going to be handed to me, but rather that I needed to work if I wanted something.
Maybe say something like "The family is going on a budget to save for college, so you will get X amount of money a week if you do your chores without me nagging and you get new clothes at the beginning of each semester. The money we save will go into a college fund."
Just an idea. I don't know if it will work or not as my daughter is only 8 months old! *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
The amazing one handed typist! One hand to keep Nora out of trouble! |
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