| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| cheeselady |
Posted - Aug 13 2012 : 10:17:26 AM
Hello all,
I need some advice. I was asked by my daughter to help plan her wedding. We both agreed to do a small wedding, trying to keep it as stress free as possible. We planned an afternoon wedding at a beautiful bed and breakfast.
So, I talked to her on the phone last night and she tells me that her future mother in law is planning to have the rehearsal dinner at her house the night before the wedding. She plans to invite the entire guest list. I am very upset about this. I think a big party the night before the wedding is a bad idea. My feelings are hurt that my daughter did not discuss this with me before she spoke to her future mother in law.
Can I say that I don't want to do it?
Feeling stuck and upset.
Michele |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| cheeselady |
Posted - Aug 23 2012 : 6:59:38 PM
Thank You Rosemary, you have put my feelings in to words. I have let my daughter know that I will not make trouble, but the whole thing baffles me. |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Aug 16 2012 : 7:44:27 PM
I think it's downright bizarre to invite the entire wedding guest list to this thing. It's supposed to be only for the wedding party. If I were a wedding guest and had made plans to be there for the wedding and reception, and then I got an invitation to the rehearsal dinner, I would think it was a mistake. I'd even possibly think I was supposed to be a bridesmaid and someone forgot to tell me! It would be a strange situation, to be sure. Is it possible there's a misunderstanding about what your daughter meant by "wedding guest list"?
It is indeed the prerogative of the groom's family to host the rehearsal dinner. It's usually a pretty subdued affair. Sometimes, if it isn't done at the wedding reception, this is the occasion when the best man, maid/matron of honor, bridesmaids and groomsmen, if any, are given their little gifts as tokens of appreciation for all they are doing to make the wedding a lovely affair for all involved. There are toasts and pleasantries and that's about it. It isn't cavorting until all hours. In fact, it's just as likely to be a brunch or luncheon, depending on when the rehearsal is. And it's usually held somewhere near the rehearsal site. And therein lies the rub.
If the rehearsal dinner is going to be the night before the wedding, then I assume the rehearsal itself will be that afternoon. Is that right? I don't think it's very friendly to expect people to make a two-hour round trip after the dinner before something as important as a wedding. The night before the wedding should be for relaxation, preparation, meditation (or prayer), conversations with parents, getting a good night's sleep and all of that. If the MIL is doing this just to poke a stick into your daughter's comfort zone, she needs to be set straight. That's your daughter's fiancé's job, perhaps with your daughter present, though. It isn't yours.
Is there a way you can invite the MIL-to-be to join you somewhere for coffee to talk about "the kids" and all these plans? She's going to be part of your family, whether you like it or not, so it would be nice if you could start out on the right footing. If, in the process, you learn anything that might relieve your daughter's anxiety, so much the better.
Good luck! |
| kysheeplady |
Posted - Aug 15 2012 : 07:42:08 AM
I just finished reading this thread, and felt as though I had to add this. I understand that your daughter asked for your "emotional support" and as a mother you are more than happy to help and be there for her. And yes, you are walking a very fine line.
My question is this, where is the groom to be in all this? And if your daughter "needs" so much "emotinal support" now, what is it going to be like for her when she gets married? How will she cope with this MIL then? I ask this because my first MIL was the reason I have a second husband. And with this husband my MIL started, and yes I was a bit older and a lot more wiser.
Your daughter needs to handle this on her own with her future husband backing her up.
I wish her much luck and hope your wedding is a perfect day for all. Just breath .... :)
Teri
"There are black sheep in every flock"
White Sheep Farm
www.whitesheepfarm.com |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Aug 15 2012 : 06:54:55 AM
And, you have a whole lifetime of it ahead! Is she your only child? I know that for me, my mother is my ultimate support, and I'm an only child. My father died when I was 19, and so, it's just been "us" against the world for quite some time. Even though I'm very independent, I always turn to mom for big decisions, or trouble with inlaws, frustrations, etc. She's very fair minded, and usually sets my mind right.
I love their engagement photo! Such a cute couple!
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
| cheeselady |
Posted - Aug 15 2012 : 06:51:29 AM
Thought you might enjoy seeing my daughters engagement photo.
 |
| cheeselady |
Posted - Aug 15 2012 : 06:38:28 AM
Thanks for all the advice. I will do my best to stay out of it. It is very hard to keep an emotional distance from this because my daughter has been relying on me for emotional support with all the other decisions about the wedding. She has also asked for my emotional support in the past when her future MIL has upset her. I guess I need to figure out how to support her without getting involved. I am walking a fine line. This is a really hard thing. |
| cori1312 |
Posted - Aug 15 2012 : 05:18:53 AM
I understand how you feel about the "cavorting" the night before, but you really should give yourself some time to think about this. It's already been said, but the rehearsal dinner is the responsibility of someone else. I don't want to sound mean or rude, but it sounds like you are having a hard time letting go of that. Your daughter may well be getting exactly what she wants in a party the night before. She and her sweetie may have specifically planned to have a big celebration, with everyone, the night before so that the wedding could be more relaxed. If not, it is for her to discuss with her future MIL. I don't believe "interceding" on your part will assist her infant relationship with his mother.
Again, I don't want to be rude, but I really think you should respect their wishes on this, regardless of what you would want. It is not your wedding day; it is theirs. And at the end of the day, they're gonna be married.
_____________________________________________________
"You don't have a soul; you are a soul. You have a body." - C.S. Lewis
 |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Aug 14 2012 : 8:18:03 PM
I totally agree with Yak, and some of the others. It seems to me there may be a deeper problem.
My feelings is it's your daughters wedding, and as long as it is not putting you out finacially (the extras) then why would you be concerned or want to stop something she is ok with?
I feel that the groom's parents, may not want to hurt any one's feelings. And since it is a small wedding any way (I mean how many would actually be going to a BB for a wedding, so I am assuming it's not that large), they don't want to pick and choose who to invite maybe and risk hurting some one's feelings. I would almost bet that they have no idea this would hurt your feelings, cause I still am wondering why this would hurt your feelings as well.
Personally my parents were the groom parents last year, and almost the whole wedding was invited to the rehearsal as well...it was a very small wedding though. (only about 30 people all together were invited). So it was mainly family to begin with.
In some cultures they celebrate for days. I would say the more people to support and not tear apart people all the better for a new marriage.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| showthemlove |
Posted - Aug 14 2012 : 4:19:29 PM
I am so happy to see this subject. I am the mother of a groom in June, and I have not made any plans yet. I completely forgot about the REHEARSAL DINNER! Now I DO have something to do. And, it will be small and intimate. I cannot even remember what happened for my wedding rehearsal dinner. We had a small wedding in the town where we had just been employed, then had a later reception in my home town, which was bigger. My grandfather took a lot of us to supper the night before that. Ah...sweet memories.
I hope that you find peace in this situation.
I love the upper Midwest! |
| YakLady |
Posted - Aug 14 2012 : 09:59:26 AM
Are there going to be a lot of out-of-town attendees? I doubt the whole guest list will show. No one wants to dedicate two whole days to someone else's wedding that they are just a guest in. That's the reality. Maybe the groom's Mom wants to put on a big show to show the happy couple that she supports them, but I don't think it will turn out like she expects guest-wise.
Now, are you hurt because you feel that the MIL is trying to show up your wedding day plans?
If the wedding is going to be small and casual, why wouldn't the rehearsal dinner be with all the guests that decide to join?
If you don't want your young teenagers driving, don't let them drive. That's simple enough. An hour away from the wedding site isn't an extreme distance, really. I think you're upset over something deeper and you should figure out what that is so you can be honest with your daughter when you express your concerns.
Even the smallest wedding is stressful. You have a lot going on and micromanaging something that the MIL is willing to take on is not something you need to do. You have so much on your plate already. I really think you should see this as a blessing and just roll with it :)
~Hen 4316~ Just a farmgirl in Western Montana.
Starting a family and raising Tibetan Yaks, Highland cattle, Laying hens, Muscovy ducks, Silver Fox rabbits, and a few dogs. |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Aug 14 2012 : 09:24:24 AM
It is really strange that she wants to invite the whole guest list--I mean, that just sounds like a chore, especially when there is a reception to consider. I think I would wait to hear them out, then offer some of the suggestions you've made--like a location centrally located to all. I mean, if she's invited the guest list, is she also then going to provide lodging, because that's traditionally the grooms responsibility, too--if they are invited to the rehearsal dinner, then they'll have to be in town an extra night.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
| cheeselady |
Posted - Aug 14 2012 : 09:15:14 AM
I know your advice is good. Maybe the kids want to visit like you said. But, they plan to invite the entire guest list. It does not feel small or casual. Also, I think the pub sounds fun. Everyone could participate in their own way. You know, sort of come and go as they please. I really don't like the idea of having it at the in laws home. I would much rather have it at a fun restaurant or bar closer to the wedding site. The in laws live an hour away from the wedding site. So, I have to do all that extra driving. I have to worry about my younger teenagers getting home safely. It just feels like too much. But, I am really trying to work through this and be OK with whatever happens. Thanks to all who gave me advice. You saved me from dumping all this in my daughters lap. |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Aug 14 2012 : 08:12:21 AM
I never looked at rehearsal dinners as a "big party" before hand or "long term cavorting"--and I've been involved in several, including my own. We had our rehearsal dinner at the pub where my husband and I met and it was a very casual event, family and the wedding party--everyone ordered from a small menu and we were finished up by 9:00 or so, not that I went home and went to bed--I worried myself silly about every single detail of the ceremony. It's simply a time for everyone in the immediate family and the bridal party to get together to celebrate because, typically, at a reception, you don't see anyone for more than 2 seconds and then it's all over and you can't even remember who you spoke to.
Maybe you should just hear them out before you label it--you know, putting the cart before the horse so to speak. Just my two cents.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
| cheeselady |
Posted - Aug 14 2012 : 07:27:26 AM
Thanks for the advice. I am still a bit steamed but I am trying to calm down before I speak to my daughter again. Guess I can try to see another point of view. Being a grown up is really hard some times. |
| windypines |
Posted - Aug 14 2012 : 05:06:58 AM
The most basic thing to remember is communication. It will be your daughters wedding, and it should be up to her what she wants.
In our case, it was the brides mother being in charge. We had met them once, but at no point had ever talked about the wedding. It was overall bad. We heard through our son that we would pay for the dj, pay for stamps for their invitations and bring meat for the dinner. That was it. No one ever asked, or talked to us about anything. So to keep peace we kept quiet, and when I was informed to bring 80 pounds of beef, a day before the wedding, I finally said no. I had a nesco full of sliced beef, and that was it. Turned out that that was the perfect amount anyways. Sorry but wanted to say what our experience was and hope no one else has to go through that. A wedding should be a happy occasion, keep talking.
Michele |
| cheeselady |
Posted - Aug 13 2012 : 6:23:43 PM
I got my trusty "miss manners" book off the shelf. She says that prolonged cavorting the night before the wedding is a terrible idea. So, maybe I was not so far off base when I thought a big party the night before the wedding was a bad idea. I am going to negotiate for a rehearsal lunch. Then anyone who wants to party can go off and do their own thing. |
| LadyInRed |
Posted - Aug 13 2012 : 3:56:31 PM
Maybe there should be a New Wedding Protacol Book written. Michele from Wisonsin...they probably just
assumed you knew. Or maybe they were upset because you didn't do the Rehearsal dinner. So many
upset feelings over Weddings. It always amazes me...when it should be The Happiest Event on The
Planet...it turns into "Divide and Congueor". My husband is a Retired Minister and he has always said
he would rather officiate a Funeral than a Wedding. Now, I know why.  
hugs,
peggy
Farmgirl #1326
http://ladyinredsite.blogspot.com
"Leave Your Cares Behind...Join Us On The Porch"
"I'm only as strong as the caffeine I drink, the hair-spray I use and the Girlfriends that I have."
When I was a lonely wallflower, Jesus asked me to dance. Then he asked me to be His! |
| windypines |
Posted - Aug 13 2012 : 2:24:22 PM
Hang in there. It is your daughters wedding. When our son got married, we were told to do certain things. Oh ya that flew well with me! We were not even asked or told we could come to the rehearsal. Michele |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Aug 13 2012 : 10:53:21 AM
Yeah, I wouldn't sweat it--it's her idea, and, as Peggy mentioned, traditionally, the grooms parents shoulder the cost, responsibility and planning of a rehearsal dinner. Now, if she asks you to ocntribute in some way, I'd simply say, "no thank you" but I wouldn't get my feelings hurt over it.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
| LadyInRed |
Posted - Aug 13 2012 : 10:41:20 AM
Michele...the rehearsel Dinner is always the responsibility of the Grooms parents. BUT it is
usually just for the Bridal Party. You should not have to do anything but show up for rehearsal
and the dinner. This is very traditional...and you should not have your feelings hurt because
you weren't consulted about it. It is one of the few things you don't have to worry about in the
whole wedding plans...so just relax and enjoy it!!!!  
blessings,
peggy
Farmgirl #1326
http://ladyinredsite.blogspot.com
"Leave Your Cares Behind...Join Us On The Porch"
"I'm only as strong as the caffeine I drink, the hair-spray I use and the Girlfriends that I have."
When I was a lonely wallflower, Jesus asked me to dance. Then he asked me to be His! |
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