| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Apr 07 2007 : 08:23:24 AM
am getting frustrated with DH. Everytime I say something like "Let's leave at 9 or can you put on DS's jacket" he has do say and do the opposite thing like " Let's leave at 9;15 and he doesn't need his jacket." I wouldn't write about this but it is seriously everytime I say something, he says the opposite. It is irritating the heck out of me. I am not one to argue but I have pointed it out to him and it is as if he is competing with me to be the right one. I could care less about being right, I am a very peaceful person. I just want to be ontime or put a jacket on my son. This happens all the time. I can't express that enough to make you all understand. Another example will be this: DH "Well what are you plans today?" Me- "Well I am going to go grocery shopping, pick up the prescription and go drop off the paperwork for college." DH- "Well why don't you drop it off on Monday and the prescription can wait." me" I want to get it all done today as I have a busy week coming up and this is the only day I have extra time to do it, no big deal." DH "Why do you have to have it your way??"""
What??? What did I do wrong?? I know he and his ex argued ALL the time over who was right and DH has a bit of a superiority complex but right now it is starting to strain out marriage. I have talked to him about it and he says he is just trying to help but we ALWAYS have to do it his way. I am pretty flexible but I am starting to break.
I feel like I can't even talk because he has to point out how HE would do things or how I should do it when I wasn't fishing for an answer, rather just trying to have a conversation. I am not a person that likes to be controlled in this way. I am quite intelligent and independent in many ways. I look for others for strength and encouragement, not to be always told I am wrong (no matter how subtle).
He also does things like I won't get the name of something right, like last night, I was talking about my VA benefits and said they (the VA) had made a $$ deposit into my banking account. He was like "NO, It was the college who did it, not the VA!!" Who cares? I was just pointing out that we had some extra money in the bank account.
When I call him on it, he gets mad and says he doesn't do it. I spent yesterday pointing it out and he got angry but I was so frustrated.
I am really at the end of my rope with this and I am really trying but I can't live like this, always being told I am wrong, or making me feel stupid like I can't run my life.
He is also starting to do this more and more in public, where he tells me I am wrong or wants to start an argument in front of people. I believe in equal share in a marriage, that it is compromise, but I can't go on like this. I wouldn't even post this if it wasn't something that wasn't really a major problem to me.
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| 16 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| goneriding |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 06:12:13 AM
From firsthand experience with this, do something, anything NOW. My ex little by little put me down and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it. This was before internet became so popular and we lived in a small town. It is a form of abuse, I believe. He is feeling small about himself and so must make 'his woman' below him. When I read your post, all the feelings just came right back up.
Sometiems, in my case, he said things just to keep me off my pins and there were times that I got to the point of wondering if I weren't a little crazy. Then when I finally left (that's why I'm a truck driver now) and had some distance, I realized what had happened. There was a reason HIS ex and he aren't together anymore either!! It's a controlling device.
Also, personal experience here also, if you don't do something NOW, your son will pick it up and later in life, you'll have to straighten him out also. I had to straighten my son out a couple of years ago but fortunately, my current hubby was there to show my son how a real man treats a woman.
Please be careful!!
Winona :-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
http://goneridingagain.bravehost.com |
| mtngirl1 |
Posted - Apr 19 2007 : 12:48:16 PM
Men can be weird!!!!! Men are problem solvers-so many times when you are tell them something from your day or make a statement something happens in thier brain that turns them into to problemsolvers and they try to fix whatever you are talking about. Granted- you didn't ask them too, but that is how they "hear" you. He should NEVER degrade you in public. I have learned though after 13 years of marriage that you have to pick your battles- if it is over something small like what itme you leave or what to have for dinner-is it that important? Both of you (from what you said) seem frustrated and short fused-take a deeeeeep breath! |
| mommom |
Posted - Apr 19 2007 : 06:32:49 AM
I am a very quiet, nurturing person with these same issues. Over 30 years time I've learned to just be quiet. And Catscharm74, God bless you, and everyone who has written here. Life is hard. Women do tend to have to create their own lives. I know. Susan |
| _Rebecca_ |
Posted - Apr 19 2007 : 06:07:48 AM
Sounds like he has depression--the irritability, snarkiness.
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·. |
| Love-in-a-Mist |
Posted - Apr 11 2007 : 7:53:04 PM
I have similar issues with my husband. I don't know the answers, but I have been trying to point it out nicely, in a nonaccusing way, everytime he does it. I tell him how it makes me feel. Most of the time he doesn't realize how it is affecting me. At first I would get mad at him and we would argue and put each other down(in front of everybody which was embarassing). He told me I was being too sensitive.
I feel like things are getting better, but it has taken a alot of "pillow talk" telling him how it makes me feel. Good luck. |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Apr 09 2007 : 8:47:33 PM
"To Thine Own Self Be True" OH I DO BELIEVE IN THIS MORE THAN ANYONE COULD EVER UNDERSTAND.... Thank you for writing it.... |
| LisaBee |
Posted - Apr 09 2007 : 7:22:50 PM
"To Thine Own Self Be True" comes to mind. Be at peace with yourself, and the rest will fall into place. Sounds simplistic, I know. But, know in your heart and mind what you want to have happen, and then take the first step in that direction.
"There is no teacup too large, nor book too long."
BLOG http://lisa222.blogspot.com WEBSITE http://alittlepartasparta.com |
| blueroses |
Posted - Apr 09 2007 : 4:32:46 PM
Hi Cat,
I'm with the other ladies on this. If you can get him to go to counseling, do it. If he won't go, you may still need to go to try and figure this out. What he is teaching your son is that it's okay to talk to you in this manner. Next thing you know - when he gets a little older - you will get less and less respect from your son. My dad used to pull that crap on my mother and it got so she would never open her mouth for fear of being put down or second guessed. She was the breadwinner and the one who provided for us and I know he was a very smart man, but it was the only way (I think) that he could elevate himself. He wasn't a bad man, but he had his problems. Please see if your dh will go to counseling with you. I'm thinking about you and hoping it will all work out.
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
| Deb H |
Posted - Apr 08 2007 : 07:58:16 AM
Catscharm74,
I am so sorry to hear about your communication problems with your hubby! I have had a similar situation with my boyfriend, who i live with and is my "life partner" and we went to counseling. It was very helpful because the counselor was able to give an objective perspective to the situation. Also, because I have been divorced for many years, I had to go to a sort of counseling "class" with several other people years ago that was sponsored by the county and we got a lot of good information on how to deal with other people that i have found very helpful, even in my current relationship. The biggest thing is that when you DO approach your hubby about what is bothering you, make sure you begin your sentences with "I feel" or something like that. If you approach it with "You", he will automatically be put on the defensive, no matter what else you may try to say to him and chances are he won't hear what you are saying. I hope you can find some peace in your relationship. . .good luck!
Blessings and love from this Farmgirl to be, Deb
"Well-behaved women rarely make history" - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich |
| westernhorse51 |
Posted - Apr 08 2007 : 06:46:00 AM
girls, I have no magic answers to either yourselves or anyone else on this very personal subject. I will pray for peace & strength for you and just say this one thing ONLY, LET NO ONE SUPPRESS YOU, you have control over yourselves.
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
| Tina Michelle |
Posted - Apr 07 2007 : 11:15:52 PM
I'm so very sorry to hear that a few of you are going through really tough marital times right now. I really hope that things work out for all of you.
I send my best wishes out to you. I wish you all the absolute best..with my love and hugs.
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~ |
| daffodil dreamer |
Posted - Apr 07 2007 : 10:22:22 PM
I really hope evrything works out OK for you. I am also having hubby troubles - I am at the stage where I just say to myself to keep quiet as everything I say, he thinks is silly or wrong. I am getting worried that I am turning in on myself too much and becoming too insular, as it becomes a habit to just not speak much. Thank goodness for the girls here, right?!
I don't have any answers unfortunately, as I haven't been brave enough to confront the issue myself. It is awful though, especially when the children start to pick it up too. My girls are beginning to know they don't really need to listen to me and it is getting too frustrating. I know he would probably be horrified to think that is how I feel, but I just don't feel up to talking about it. I am hoping (fingers crossed) that if we get to move back home, it may resolve itself - or am I dreaming?!
Sorry to go on about myself - just wanted you to know that I know how you feel and have you in my thoughts.
All the best,
Jayne |
| Tina Michelle |
Posted - Apr 07 2007 : 8:54:40 PM
can you see a marriage counselor about this? it looks like that's what is needed..if he won't go..go alone. the best of wishes to you.
I hope it works out for the best..whichever road that happens to be..I don't know..but I wish you the best.
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~ |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Apr 07 2007 : 1:33:54 PM
Thank you both- sometimes venting is a good thing too!! : )
I posted this on another board I belong too and sorry to say, all the MEN jumped on me that I am controlling and he is not meeting my expectations, that is why I am mad. It is so strange how we all think!!!
The thing I worry about is my DS who is one developing bad habits or, worse, if I did leave, not having a father. It is heart breaking and sad.... |
| happymama58 |
Posted - Apr 07 2007 : 11:58:27 AM
I don't have any magic answers or even a clue as to what's going on or how you should handle this situation. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and I hope you-all can get this resolved in a way you can be at peace with.
Some people search for happiness; others create it.
Please visit me at www.marykay.com/pmiinch |
| DaisyFarm |
Posted - Apr 07 2007 : 09:50:50 AM
Sounds to me like he's trying to build his own self-esteem by trying to control everything, especially you. The fact that he calls you out in front of other people would confirm this to me. Personally, that would push me over the edge!
While others might disagree, I would have a VERY frank talk with him, pronto, including a bottom line...knock it off or else. This will erode your self-confidence and self-esteem, maybe without you even realizing it. You really need to put the brakes on his behavior.
My DD was married to a guy that was exactly like this. After two years she kicked him to the curb and while I was very sorry it couldn't have been worked out, in hindsight it was the best thing she ever did. She is so much happier now and not walking on eggs all the time, her confidence has improved and I have my happy-go-lucky DD back...and it took awhile.
My advice...deal with it NOW. I hope it works out for you in the way you want it to, but please don't let it continue. You are worth far more.
I sincerely wish you the very best.
Diane
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