| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Jul 13 2014 : 1:25:21 PM
*sigh*
This is tough. I have a dear friend -- she is really my only true friend -- who is just flakey sometimes. She will be late, or cancel out on stuff because she doesn't feel like it, tune out for weeks on end while she works on some personal issue no matter that I might need her company, or -- as happened this morning -- plan something with me well in advance but leave out important details until the last minute so it becomes a burden for me to go ahead with the plan. She is very opinionated, judgmental and challenges everything, while claiming to be a free spirit who encourages the same freedom in others. She says she loves me like a sister and when I was in the hospital recently, she was wonderful to me but sometimes I wonder if I really do matter to hr at all. I've had less trouble with the most troublesome men in my life! 
She smokes pot pretty regularly and seems to drink too much wine at night. She's an amazing woman, but I've had it with her. How can I make this friendship work again, if it ever did? She is precious to me and more like a sister than a friend -- her grown daughters even call me Auntie.
How would you handle something like this? Time to pull the plug and look for new friends in the cabbage patch? |
| 17 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Jul 18 2014 : 05:45:30 AM
Thank you, Shannon. I love your name :) |
| hudsonsinaf |
Posted - Jul 18 2014 : 05:20:00 AM
I have no words of wisdom, nor stories to share.... But, I do want to let you know that I am praying for you as well as your friend and her family!
~ Shannon
http://hudson-everydayblessings.blogspot.com/ |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Jul 17 2014 : 6:09:56 PM
Cindy, both daughters have been through extensive screening and therapy for a variety of emotional and mental issues over the years; both have had trouble in this regard that I'd rather not go into here. Bi-polar disorder does not seem to be the issue. I suppose it's a good idea to keep all possibilities open, though. I'll keep that in mind.
Alcoholism runs in the family, as does drug abuse.
You all are helping me see all of this from new perspectives. Thanks so much. |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Jul 17 2014 : 5:46:52 PM
Holly (sorry I've been addressing you as Autumn), the stresses in my friend's life are exponentially fewer than they were just two years ago. Things have been going very well for her, in fact. I am zeroing in on my main concern with my friend: her egocentricity and lack of both emotional and physical availability to me as her best friend. I'm not sure if these are things that will ever change and if I should spend any time at all trying to find out. It is so, so sad. I know you understand and I appreciate that.
Melissa, I appreciate the caring and concern behind your suggestions and will take them to heart within my own spiritual context. It's especially frustrating (as I know you know!) to wish you could just talk over stuff like this with a friend, but...oops! Aren't we lucky to have this wonderful forum where we can unload our frustrations and receive thoughtful advice? (All this and canning tips, too!)
Back to you, Holly, yes this daughter does sound stupid. She's one of those people who, while intellectually brilliant and charming and all that, has very poor judgment and coping skills. Her big sister is furious at her for what she did. I see the younger daughter acting out just as her mother does (cutting people off, hurting them into the bargain, and running away in acts of stunning self-destruction), which happens to be something my friend said she hated her mother for doing, too. Strange how this kind of behavior plays out through generations, even when enlightened self-awareness should help us avoid repeating it. Maybe that's the hook on which I can hang my hat in a visit with my friend when it's time to talk again. I know it's an observation she's begun to make, so she will probably be open to it.
*sigh*
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| prariehawk |
Posted - Jul 17 2014 : 5:11:26 PM
Your friend's daughter has bi-polar disorder. My cousin's son did a similar thing, only he ran off to Mexico. He ended up working as a dishwasher in Arizona and sleeping at a homeless shelter. The shelter directors encouraged him to call his parents, and he did, and they said they were worried sick and wanted him to be well. He's doing OK now. He knows he has to take care of himself or something else like that could happen. He ran off to avoid a court date for possession of marijuana. He did have to spend a little time in jail when he got back but the judge went easy on him and he knows he's lucky. He lost his job when he ran off but he's working now. Getting qualified help for her disorder is critical. Then she has to take it from there. I hope she gets some help. It's hell living with an untreated mental illness.
Cindy
"Come by the hills to the land where fancy is free; And stand where the peaks meet the sky and the rocks reach the sea.Where the rivers run clear and the bracken is gold in the sun. and cares of tomorrow must wait till this day is done"--Loreena McKennit
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
| Autumn |
Posted - Jul 17 2014 : 4:40:07 PM
Her daughter sounds stupid. I worked my arse off to get really good grades in Uni, even when I hated having to come back for one missed credit I stuck it out. My time to be frivolous and get into trouble was when I was sixteen, as an adult I have responsibilities, I would never do what that girl did. It seems like every passing generation just gets more self-centered and irresponsible... I have to say though, that would be a decent reason to get high or drunk. It's certainly a stressful situation. If you feel these habits are becoming dangerously overwhelming in your friend's life an intervention might be best. You know her well enough to base it off of her previous behaviors.
Hopefully in time things will improve for the both of you. :) |
| hsmommel |
Posted - Jul 16 2014 : 12:01:50 PM
:( I do feel your pain and your sadness. I love all the words of wisdom mentioned and the experiences. I have a slightly different outlook. I have come to realize that I am without "girlfriends" at this point for a reason. I will not presume to know what, if any realtionship, you have with Christ, but for myself, I am trying to embrace this season of just drawing nearer to Him. Like you, I too got frustrated with the flakiness of people I called friends. I'm too outspoken though and confronted on the behavior. I have always felt that if something or someone was important to you that you'd make time for it or them. Sadly, not many in this world feel the same. Manners have gone by the wayside and rude/selfish behavior has become the norm. I for one have choosen not to participate. See, I'm too outspoken. :/ Anyhow, I'd like to encourage you to embrace the break, whether temporary or permanent, and focus on what makes your heart sing. Is it drawing nearer to Christ? Or is it knitting your way through Hobby Lobby? Maybe, like in the movie "Julie/Julia", its cooking your way through a cookbook. I'm just throwing random ideas out. I admit, I struggle with some days where I'd just love to sit and have coffee with a friend, but there is no one. Reading back tjough this I'm not sure if it's encouraging or not, but if it helps at all then, yipee! :)
"What you do speaks so loudly I can't hear what you are saying." -- Benjamin Franklin |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Jul 16 2014 : 11:01:58 AM
I hear you, Autumn. I've been thinking that my own behavior when my friend hit me with a bunch of last-minute conditions was just like what she would do. So she's already had a taste of her own medicine. Unfortunately, unless she cancelled it at the last minute, she is in another state visiting extended family with one of her daughters, and so will be incommunicado for a while.
The idea of showing up at her house uninvited is something I would never consider. She does not welcome unexpected company, although her daughters frequently have friends over and she seems to deal with that okay. But just dropping in, even with cookies? I wouldn't dream of it.
We both have problems. If I am able to recognize that some of what I find irritating in her are things I also do, maybe there can be a no-fault discussion around the care and feeding of friendships. If that doesn't work, so be it. I need to prepare myself for being cut off, just as she cuts everyone else off when they disagree with her about something. For someone who is so supposedly open-minded and all about personal growth, it really is astonishing how difficult it is to converse with her, because she has a stubborn argument against almost any opinion you might express. She knows it all, and you don't have the insight to arrive at her conclusions; you just have to accept that. Then, on another occasion, she will argue just as stubbornly for a conflicting opinion. That's her trying to see all sides of an issue, I guess, but it means I have to walk as if on eggshells with her, never knowing when something I suggest might trigger one of her blanket dismissals.
Maybe she needs an intervention. Daily pot and the amount of wine-drinking she says she does at night, when she's alone, is clearly interfering with her life.
Makes me wonder if the "stunt" the younger daughter pulled several days ago is related to this. She ran away from her co-op farm (leaving everyone in the lurch at the height of harvest and with goats to care for) and on plans to be part of that family trip (for which airline tickets were already paid for) to run off to Alaska with a childhood male friend who has a troubled past. She took her car, which is registered in my friend's name so they can get better insurance rates, though it is hers to drive. The girl had obviously planned this for at least a week in advance because she had my friend get the car serviced, asked for her passport (which she would need at the Canadian borders) and a few other "tells." My husband said if we had a 22-year-old daughter who did that, he would tell her to get her ass back home immediately or he would report the car stolen. My friend felt that way, too, but gave in and just asked her to be safe, giving her the name and phone number of a friend in Anchorage who could put them up for a while. (And so begins another sad tale of people going to Alaska for an "Into the Wild" adventure, only to wind up working in a canning factory for subsistence wages and no way to save for a trip back home.) We found the boys' parents' phone number and my friend was going to call them but I don't know if she did. This girl, whom my friend homeschooled along with her sister, just graduated with honors from a prestigious university and is just pissing it all away. It's infuriating. I would love to know what prompted this flight to Alaska.
Thank you all so much for letting me vent about this, and for offering such clear-headed advice. It's difficult to see the forest for the trees in this situation. |
| Autumn |
Posted - Jul 16 2014 : 06:29:23 AM
Your friend really makes me think of my old friend. There's not much you can do to change a person like her. I had it out with my friend once and it didn't get us anywhere. It was the first step toward the end of our relationship.
You mentioned that she's the one that always withdraws from the friendship. I think if you withdraw it might give her a wake up call. Regardless the outcome, I wish you luck! Life is too short to be hanging out with people who disappoint you or make you feel bad. |
| natesgirl |
Posted - Jul 15 2014 : 4:37:24 PM
I feel for you. I'm sorry you're havin to deal with this. I wish I lived closer to you. I would hang out with you! All of you! Any of you! I have found that my truest friends tend to be as isolated distance wise as I am! LOL! I swear that my best friends are all on my computer!
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
| churunga |
Posted - Jul 15 2014 : 12:38:44 PM
I know what your friend is doing because I used to do it in a small way. The best thing you can do for her now is to give her a few days by herself then go visit her without letting her know. Bring some tea and homemade cookies. Just sit, outside if you can, and talk. Bring up the good times you have had together. Tell her what you like about her. Do not bring up anything negative or hurtful. Try not to judge. If she brings up something negative, deflect it with a positive comment. Stay for about 45 minutes or until the cookies are gone. I believe she has distanced herself because she is ashamed. She needs to know that there are good things about her and you still love her in spite of her personal quirks. When you leave, let her know that you are a planner and that you encourage others to try it and that you would be happy to plan another activity in the future.
Marie, Sister #5142
Farmgirl of the Month May 2014
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Jul 15 2014 : 11:28:26 AM
Autumn, that "last chance to meet" scenario you described resonates with me. That's totally something my friend would do. Has done, in fact, many times. I'm sorry for what you went through with your friend. The news of her death, though sad and shocking, probably didn't surprise you. Sounds like she was determined to end up just as she did. You're a wise woman. Too bad your friend turned away from that.
My friend's choices infuriate me sometimes. Other times, I find her ideas challenging in a positive way, like getting a completely fresh perspective. I value that in her. But you're right. It's time for a break. We've had such breaks before, though. That's her way of dealing with a problem: she goes into hibernation (what she calls social seclusion) until she feels better. Of course, this leaves people who were affected by her behavior completely and helplessly out of the process. I find that passive-aggressive in the extreme, and makes relationship friction all about herself, not the other person. She has become s powerful advocate for her own victimhood and has a long string of ex-friends (and an ex-husband) to show for it.
I'm done for now, I guess. I wish I could say all this directly to her. Maybe I will. Someday. |
| Autumn |
Posted - Jul 15 2014 : 09:01:30 AM
I agree with what others have said. It might be time to just distance yourself from her. Even if it's just a break, taking time apart might help you realize exactly where you stand on this relationship.
I had a similar situation once myself. My best friend in high school was so much like me but she also had a nastiness to her. She'd make snide comments for no reason and get angry with people a lot. She often used her bipolar disorder as an excuse. I always looked beyond those hurtful remarks, after all she was the only person who ever "got" me. To this day she's one of three people who connected with me on that kind of level. I'm a weird "goth" kind of girl who likes tea parties, sewing and taxidermy; there aren't many people like me in my city. I've always felt like an outcast, so I held on to my friendship with this girl for a long time.
She used to smoke pot now and again, which I disapproved of only because I'm a very spiritual person who believes you can get high through better means. It was when she started doing heavier drugs and hanging out downtown with scene kids that I began to pull away. She was taking lots of ecstasy and acid. She would call me up randomly and tell me how she woke up in a stranger's house with two men and didn't know how she got there. Quite frankly it scared the crap out of me, I thought she was going to die or be raped. She couldn't understand how much she was hurting me through her reckless behavior. I looked at her as a sister and all I could think of at night was that I was going to lose her somehow.
I began distancing myself from her and eventually the friendship dissolved. We'd talk once in a blue moon and she'd try to get me to come downtown for sushi. I remember the last time we agreed we'd meet before she moved up north. The morning of that day she messaged me saying she couldn't afford the bus ticket to meet me so it would be best not to go. I felt bad and said if she can't make it her money is better spent, but I asked if she'd like to go for a walk and talk. This was going to be the last time I'd see her (and lord knows that was the truth). She never responded but I saw on Facebook that she immediately went off to hang out with other friends...so it clearly wasn't an issue of money.
I've always felt guilty about that relationship. I felt like maybe I was too judgmental of her attitude and her behaviors and that I should have been more forgiving. I struggled with these thoughts threefold when I found out that she had died. I went to her funeral around my exams in Uni, I was devastated. It took a toll on my marks and my health. I had so many regrets. I still miss her and feel guilty about it, but I realize it mostly stems from being lonely right now. I recently graduated and I'm trying to make friends all over again, it's hard especially being out of work. I certainly don't miss who she became but I miss the nice parts of who she used to be.
I realize now just how toxic a relationship with her would have been had I stuck with her. I was right to pull away when she was getting deeper into drugs and acting more aggressive. That's not the kind of person I'd want to hang out with, no matter how lonely I get. Sometimes people change and you just have to let it go. If this woman is making you feel crappy often then there's no real benefit to keeping this friendship. I think it's time to re-evaluate the relationship and determine just what it is that you value in a companion and if she meets those needs.
*AUTUMN*
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| Rosemary |
Posted - Jul 14 2014 : 5:43:33 PM
Thanks, Rachel. It's difficult to admit that we may no longer nurture each other as good friends should. She texted me this morning to apologize for yesterday's mess-up and said she needs alone time to get her life in order. She always retreats that way, rather than working things through both on her own AND with the people who are affected by her mood swings and inconsistent dependability. I always feel like a fifth wheel with her. Your suggestion of making new, more stable, friends is a wise one, though not easy in an area where most people have very different values from my husband and I. Pleasant acquaintances are a dime a dozen. Real friends, rare. |
| rksmith |
Posted - Jul 14 2014 : 5:14:11 PM
I've had a similar situation. My friend and I were friends since elementary school but not close until highschool. After we both graduated, we went our ways for a few years and when I moved back to the hometown, we picked up right where we left off. She has never used drugs, but she has her own way of doing things. Like with your friend, we'd make plans and there would be last minute changes (or cancellations), if I needed help with something she may or may not come through, etc. Our priorities were different, we both had major stressors in our lives that seemed to keep getting in the way of us being able to enjoy our friendship anymore. We've both gone our separate ways, we chit chat every once in a blue moon, but don't make plans together anymore and we don't hang out anymore. I like her ALOT better this way. Take a break for a while from the friendship, make no plans and if something happens it happens and if not oh well. It sounds like you are both at a place where your'e not "meshing well" take time for yourself and open yourself up to the potential of new, more stable friends.
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
True enlightenment is nothing but the nature of one's own self being fully realised-- His Holiness the Dali Lama
www.madameapothecary.com |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Jul 13 2014 : 2:26:21 PM
Thanks, Cindy. Sounds like you know exactly what I'm going through.
Yes, my friend is stressed - with two daughters in their early 20s who both have histories of troubles, it seems like it's always something. One of the girls pulled a really shocking stunt the other day, so yeah, there's that.
But the way she's behaving now is nothing new. I's just that this event got screwed up this morning. This is something we've been planning for over a week and that I was really looking forward to. Then, literally minutes before we were supposed to meet in town to go to this event together and I'm already at the designated meeting place (far from home), she texts me that I need to bring a folding chair, bottled water, picnic food and by the way, there's a $20 per person admission fee -- none of which she had mentioned before. She knows I'm on a super-tight budget and even the $20 would be hard, let alone finding the other stuff nearby and having to shell out money for that, too -- stuff I could easily have brought from home if I'd known I would need it. I also wasn't at all dressed for a picnic (the destination was the tasting room at a winery). It was the kind of behavior I would expect of a stoner, not a friend.
I don't think stoner and friendship mix very well. Probably I overreacted when I bailed on the event and went home.
You're right, though, I should just wait it out, I guess. |
| prariehawk |
Posted - Jul 13 2014 : 1:55:13 PM
I have a friend who, until a couple years ago, was close to me. then she started having problems with her teen-aged autistic daughter and she lost touch with me. I know she was stressed but she responded by pulling deeper within herself instead of reaching out. She also suffers from depression and overeats for emotional reasons and then blames herself for having no "willpower". Recently I've gotten back in touch with her but she still acts distant. Maybe your friend is having problems that you're unaware of. If she smokes pot and drinks, she can't be very happy to start with. And it's hard to be friends with someone who's unhappy cause they tend to blame other people for their unhappiness. I say remain friends but don't expect much from her. Maybe eventually she'll come around. If it drives you batty, limit your contact with her. Don't throw in the towel just yet--it sounds like she's being thoughtless but maybe she's just over-stressed. I hope things work out for you for the better.
Cindy
"Come by the hills to the land where fancy is free; And stand where the peaks meet the sky and the rocks reach the sea.Where the rivers run clear and the bracken is gold in the sun. and cares of tomorrow must wait till this day is done"--Loreena McKennit
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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