| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| MrsTracy |
Posted - Apr 29 2013 : 07:17:30 AM
Our daughter married young (very rebellious) to a thug who abused her. They had two children. When he was put away she obtained a divorce. She eventually remarried in '10 and has since given birth to two more babies. She is 22.
"A" has been diagnosed with bi-polar but I'm thinking there is something else going on. She's currently not being treated. All the time she should have been treated she was pregnant and so they wouldn't put her on meds.
Our life (or MY life) has been centered on helping her cope and helping her new hubby cope. Many fights and drama and midnight calls... Normally I would have just let them do their own thing but there are four babies 4 and under to worry and care for. I absolutely REFUSE to let them get caught up in the madness so they spend as much time with us as possible. The cycle has to be broken.
The hubby and I are realizing that we may be raising these children. This past weekend she worked herself into an episode which involved EMS and the MP's. She had threatened suicide. Mind you, much of her stuff IS talk. I know my daughter but its getting much more out of hand.
According to her hubby they had been up watching movies and hanging out with the babies til about 3am. It was a good evening. He was growing tired though as he had worked that day. She was given a day to herself as we kept the kids. As soon as he started going to sleep she did everything she possibly could to make him stay up. He resorted to trying to sleep in the car. She came out, promised she'd leave him alone so he could sleep. Then she did the same thing again.
When they finally got into a shouting match he went into the bedroom and locked the door. He said as he started to fall asleep he heard the van start. Next thing he gets a call from her, she's telling him where he can find the van and to tell the babies good things about her. So he's frantic. Racing around base looking for her. In the end he got the MP's involved and a search was on. He found the van but she wasn't in it. He kept calling out to her and finally she emerged from the dark.
We got the call in the morning. I was sleeping peacefully. She asked me if I could watch the kids because something had happened and the MP's had been involved. I didn't rush because I had been down that road before. I drank my coffee, got my roast in the oven, took my shower and then got dressed to go get the boys so we could go to church.
I get to their house to find her completely out of it. She was in a deep sleep. The 15 month was roaming around the house and the older two were watching tv. Hubby had finally conked out. After getting the gist of the early morning's events I just got the three boys and left the baby.
Last night I got a text from her telling me what she had done. I just told her I know and to get some help. I can't do this anymore.
I haven't heard from either of them. I informed my son in law that he had to get in contact with her primary care doctor and make them move fast to get her seen and/or admitted.
The thing is, she is also narcissistic. Bi-polar with narcissistic tendencies are fuel and tender. The whole time she was pregnant she swore up and down she didn't have any help. I dropped out of school mid semester to be available to her because his unit was being difficult. I stopped working because there was a desperate need for me to have the kids when she was manic. Only to have this wretch whine that she has to do it all herself
She spent one week in the pysc unit when she was pregnant with the second child. She didn't like it. She's not so far gone that she doesn't know when and where to stop. A lot is manipulation but still...there is just enough to keep me weary.
I can't answer the phone when she calls without thinking something is wrong. 8 out of ten times it is. She resents having so many kids. She loves them but lets face it, I'm almost 45 and well seasoned but they are a handful. Not being able to get up and go, eat a meal in peace, have a quiet thought, been there done that. They deliberately had these children knowing about her mental illness. I was floored.
Sigh...I just needed to vent. I've got all the advice about letting her go. Mentally, I have been withdrawing from her simply out of a way to survive in the event she does the unthinkable, yet I love her dearly and don't want to give up. I also know that if it weren't for the children I would have let her deal with some of those consequences that would have messed her life up forever without the benefit of benefiting her.
In my heart and in my mind, I am slowing letting go and saying goodbye to my child.
Aspiring Titus II and Proverbs 31 Lady. |
| 21 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Calicogirl |
Posted - May 20 2013 : 5:59:14 PM
Tracy,
I just saw this and read through all of the posts. I don't know what you are going through as we do not have any children but I do want to let you know that I am praying for your whole family. For all hearts to surrender to the Lord, and that this will be a great testimony for Him. I am praying for the Lord to grant you and your husband wisdom in dealing with your daughter and to be guided with helping her or not. I am so sorry.
A couple of verses come to mind...
Isaiah 26:3 I will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Me and trusts in Me.
and
Psalm 27:13 I would have lost heart had I not seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
You already know that the Lord has a plan, the perfect plan and He IS SO FAITHFUL. Hang in there and draw close to Him.
By His Grace, For His Glory
~Sharon
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| sjmjgirl |
Posted - May 20 2013 : 11:12:44 AM
Still praying for you Tracy! How is the therapy going? Is she on meds? I think it's very brave of you to take a hard stance on her behavior, especially the money thing. Have you considered a more permanent plan for the kids?
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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| MrsTracy |
Posted - May 20 2013 : 09:55:07 AM
Thanks for the encouraging words. I really need them. Its been a rough week. Daughter had another episode and so I kept the children. So much resentment surrounding her youngest brother. He kept their car while they went on an anniversary weekend. The car had issues before they dropped it off. Our daughter having front ended it twice and they had to tie the hood down. Its popped open while my son in law drove it so it was its no surprise that it happened in our son's care. Long story short, hubby fixed the hood better than it was before DJ had it. No worries of it flying up. The battery died because he couldn't get the key out and didn't open the hood and unlatch the battery from keeping it dying. Stupid but in all honesty our daughter and hubby have done it more often than we can count as my hubby has had to get up early and go to their house to give them a jump.
She believes we are showing favoritism. Did I mention we kept the kids AND puppy for four days? And did I mention that in the course of one year, she totaled TWO of our vehicles and when she was dating some looser they drove hubby's truck with no oil and damaged the engine? Did I mention that when she was a single parent living on her own I co-signed for her to get her lights on, only to find that after she married and moved, they didn't pay their bill and it got attached to OUR light bill adding $300 to ours. If it wasn't paid, we'd be without lights. The diapers, formula, clothing, etc...shelled out to help her as a single parent and then as a new family. Her hubby had no idea how much it cost to raise kids and we helped them out while they got their bearings.
So now she is upset over a battery and wants compensation for it. Oh, I did mention that we never EVER asked them to repay us as we knew it was beyond their means as they struggled to set a budget. For her to get up on her pony and demand money of her brother, who, by the way, watches his niece and nevvies without asking for money. Yet he doesn't love her and he's the favorite and he never hugs her or says "I love you," um...I'm his MOM and I get that on holidays and when he's screwed up! The kid is 17!!
She went on FB and did a rant about how her family has hurt her so much...our pastor actually mentioned it to my hubby. We had already seen it. She has managed to alienate many people and now she can't find a shoulder to whine on. After going on about what was owed to her by her brother she managed to text me last night with a "mommy, I need your help, my internet will be disconnected if I don't have $100." My eyes dang near crossed to the point of popping out my contacts and I just had to laugh as I text her back telling her I did not have it to give as we are paying a huge cell phone bill (they are on the plan as I had more lines than could be used).
Frankly, I just had to sit back and laugh and think "God don't like ugly." I mean, if you are using FB to down your family, then I'm a damn fool if I pay you to tell the world that we don't love you!
We dropped the boys off yesterday. Can't have her laying around feeling sorry for herself.
Tough love has commenced and as Betty Davis said "it's going to be a bumpy ride." Well, not really as I have put a distance between us. I love my daughter but dang if I'm going to be an enabler for stupidity. I will not hand over another dollar. If the kids need diapers and milk, granny will get it but not another dollar will I place in their palms until they get a clue and some understanding.
Just wanted to do a little ranting today!
I stayed home from church yesterday, surrounded myself with my laptop (which I didn't use) my nook hd and wii (for movies) and stayed in bed ALLLLL day! I did get up and put a chicken in the oven and got dinner prepared before hubby got home, took the dog out for a walk and folded a load of laundry but I spent less than 1 hour doing it all. Feeling mighty refreshed today!
Aspiring Titus II and Proverbs 31 Lady. |
| crafter |
Posted - May 11 2013 : 08:11:22 AM
Tracy my dear- by no means are you alone. You are a very strong person to help your family thru this- it is not easy, never a relief- but thank the good Lord above you are there it help and be supportive. I am so glad that she has you and your husband and her husband. Please know I will keep all of you in my prayers. And give those grandbabies a big hug for me!!
We are all here to help and support you!!!
Lori
God has promised strength for the day, rest for the labor, light for the way, grace for the trials, help from above, unfailing sympathy and undying love.
We are here to love each other, serve each other and uplift each other. |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - May 10 2013 : 12:59:58 PM
Sorry you are going through this. I do hope it gets better for all involved. Mental illness is certainly no fun.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com www.farmallchick.blogspot.com www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
| patchworkpeace |
Posted - May 10 2013 : 03:46:22 AM
Mrs. Tracy, first of all (((hugs))) and you are in my prayers. Secondly, please make sure your daughter has a complete physical. I'm not doubting she has mental illness, but many times mental illness is exacerbated by things as simple as food allergies, etc. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Success is measured not by the position one reaches but by the obstacles one has to overcome to reach it. Booker T. Washington
My blog, The Review-anista Reads http://friendsfunfabric.blogspot.com/ |
| Tall Holly |
Posted - May 02 2013 : 5:49:03 PM
Hello,
I am raising a grandchild. We adopted him when I was 51,five years ago. Your grands are young. WOW four under four. Mothers rise to the occasion. You sound in your posts to be a very strong and smart woman. It is so hard for people to understand mental illness because the person who is sick often looks good and speaks well.
It is so hard to feel helpless when wanting so desperately to help a child even when that child is an adult.
Write and vent when you need too. We are here.
Holly
farmgirl #2499
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| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - May 01 2013 : 6:59:34 PM
I am glad she is getting help. That is very good to hear.
I can say though that mental illness doesn't make people think the same....some of the natural "fear" of others just isn't there with mental illness. My SIL used to tell me things very nonchalantly that were totally....just...wow. Most people would be "afraid" for others to know, but she was so mentally ill, she didn't realize what she was saying was ludicrous and other people would be upset by it. IE I used to pick up the kids every weekend, really just to spend time with them. One weekend I didn't, because I had other plans, and I didn't think much of it. Sunday night the oldest who was only in kindergarten calls me at about 11pm and asks me, aren't I going to pick them up. And I said no, remember I told you, this weekend I had other plans but I'll see you guys next weekend. He said, but Aunt Heather we haven't eaten in three days! And we're so hungry! Mom eats but doesn't feed us. Well....being only 5, I thought surely he was exaggerating when he said three days, and that maybe he was just making things up. So I said, let me talk to your mom. So I talk to her and say, C says that he and the kids haven't eaten in three days and that they are hungry. She says nonchalantly, yeah....I was about to make them something though. I said, wait T, you mean they really haven't eaten in three days? She says, yeah...(like no big deal!). I said, well he said you had been eating though. T: yeah. Me: So you do have food, you just haven't fed the children? T: yeah. Me:FREAKING OUT! I went to their home right away and took them home with me and fed them....but I was in the forest for the trees, I kept trying to "help" myself, when really I should of gotten the authorities involved. I am pretty grateful my step bothers mom called it in. Because then I didn't have to worry any more and my parents were able to just take care of them. I just really never thought of calling it in...I always thought I could just "help". That's just my experience though with one case of mental illness...that at the time I didn't realize was mental illness, I quite frankly just thought she was stupid....I guess so many things were happening all the time with her, I just was always trying to put out fires and didn't have time to step back and see the whole picture that things were NUTS! lol Poor kids had to live too long with it...they still have problems from it today...15 years later.
But, I want to say again...I'm glad her DH is making sure no more kids, and that she is getting HELP! That is great.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| MrsTracy |
Posted - Apr 30 2013 : 05:41:01 AM
Hate for anyone to go through this but glad I'm not alone. Many families tend to hide it away. Our daughter is very upfront about her mental illness. She discusses it openly. She is a very good and loving mother. The kids always want to be with her. I gauge what's going on by their attitude. When things are rough, they want to always stay with us. They don't want to leave. They flat out SAY the don't want to go home. I honestly don't remember when this last happened. They always greet mommy and daddy with hugs and kisses. At 3 and 4 they don't have the ability to hide their feelings.
Heather, I do understand where you are coming from. I never take my babies or any babies well being for granted. Our daughter will tell anyone what I would do to HER if anything happened to her because of poor choices. I am not exaggerating when I say she loves me with all her heart, respects me and needs me in her life. But she also has a healthy and well grounded fear of what would happen.
The kids have seen her moods but they have not been recipients of them. They go to their rooms until I get there or daddy gets home. Sunday morning was rough on the parents, the kids knew nothing of what happened. The one year old has ALWAYS been like smoke. You can't keep him duct taped to any surface! As a matter of fact he has been known to leave his bed in the middle of the night and crawl around. When daddy went for a midnight drink of water he almost stepped on him. He was sitting in the hallway playing. They put up two gates and set a pillow and toy in the hall way. They also close off the doors leading to the bathroom and the oldest boys room. In the best of circumstances he needs 6 sets of hands and eyes on him :-)
The prayers and good thoughts are most welcome and are truly felt.
Kris, I am especially touched by what you said. People really don't know what we go through and I know of no support group in my area for me to talk with anyone. Hubby is wonderful but he's a man and a 53 year old retired Marine. LOL. It frustrates him AND our son in law (also a Marine) because they can't just "go in and fix it!"
Aspiring Titus II and Proverbs 31 Lady. |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Apr 30 2013 : 04:38:25 AM
Wow, all I can say is, this sounds JUST like my oldest daughter. She's 33 and has 3 daughters. I would never get DFCS involved if you don't have to. It sounds like the father of the 2 youngest has a level head and can take care of his 2. She definetely needs help ASAP but she has to be the one to do it or else it's useless. I have had all 3 of my grands at one time or another. Practically raised the oldest 2. She almost always has had the youngest. Her and the youngest are living here now and there are so many ups and downs I feel like I am going crazy myself. I know exactly how you feel and wouldn't wish this on anybody. It's horrible. And when there are children, it's even worse. And there are always children. Yours are so young though. If they can be taken out of the situation now, it would be so much better for them. She needs to go to a long term treatment facility and stay til she's stable and healthy. It can be done. But I feel for you most of all because I have been there and still am there. It's really all about those kids. She's old enough to make choices. They aren't.
Kris
The good beekeeper is generally more or less cranky. C.P. Dadant
www.kris-outbackfarm.blogspot.com
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| Ninibini |
Posted - Apr 30 2013 : 03:28:32 AM
So hard... Tracy, I will be praying for all of- you, too. My heart hurts for all of you. As I read your words, I kept hearing Don Moen's song, "God Will Make A Way." I hope this helps to encourage you and bring you some peace amidst all of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zo3fJYtS-o
He is there, Tracy; have faith! He hears your prayers and petitions, He loves you all, and He will help you all through!
God bless you - Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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| Bear5 |
Posted - Apr 29 2013 : 8:24:59 PM
Prayers to you Tracy. Keep us posted.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
| MrsTracy |
Posted - Apr 29 2013 : 6:09:57 PM
Thanks again Stephanie! Point blank, the children will come to us. They wont discontinue her treatment but it wont be good for her. Her husband is active duty and they will keep a weather eye on the situation. She does want the help but she's afraid. She's afraid that she will have to face some of the consequences to some of the choices she made that did not help her situation. She does not like having a finger pointed at her. Oh well...
Aspiring Titus II and Proverbs 31 Lady. |
| sjmjgirl |
Posted - Apr 29 2013 : 5:49:13 PM
I'm so glad to hear that Tracy! I'm curious as to what the consequences are if she misses an appointment. Do they discontinue her treatment? Have you decided what to do if she stops taking her medication? I will keep on praying for your family.
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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| MrsTracy |
Posted - Apr 29 2013 : 4:46:27 PM
I spoke with them both today. Her husband's command is involved and have pushed her referral for mental health through. She will not be able to miss any appointments and her husband's unit will not be allowed to prevent him from taking her!!!
I don't expect miracles because its an illness of the mind but I do believe she won't be able to escape and place blame on anyone else (as to the things she can control) There will be no more kids. Hubby is taking care of that! And she will be on medication.
God answers prayers!
Aspiring Titus II and Proverbs 31 Lady. |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Apr 29 2013 : 4:45:15 PM
Yes it was meant to be helpful not hurtful.
1) I didn't mean it was a relief to the survivors really...but more of a relief she will not be bringing more children into this type of situation. ALL her children were also handicap...some with things that were so rare it took my mom YEARS to get a dr who had even heard of what they had. But, not that they are a burden, not meaning that. BUT, it's just not right to put helpless children into these circumstances, and more and more and more of them. That's what I meant by relief.
2) I did not mean for your grands to go into foster care. My nieces and nephews NEVER had to go to foster care, since my parents were willing to take them, welfare gave them directly to them. And that's what I was thinking with yours as well, they would more then likely go directly to you. (it's cheaper for welfare, they don't pay relatives, like they do "foster" parents.)
3) I didn't realize she was "taking care of them" from you described a toddler walking around alone...well...my nephew did that as a toddler under my SIL care...and ended up with a dislocated collar bone-he climbed up on the TV and pulled it down on himself.
4) I understand your love of your daughter. I love my children as well, and I know every mom loves their child. BUT, under age children are always my main concern over adults. As long as you don't think they are in danger I guess that is good. (I know how ever that a lot more was going on then we knew about and makes me sick we didn't call the welfare like my step brothers mom did cause it saved those children...we just didn't realize all that was going on-children not being fed for DAYS at all...leaving the house with out clothes on at all-completely naked-not even shoes... and so on.)
I am not trying to upset you at all....but please make sure those babies are being taken care of, and if they aren't make sure you take the steps so they are. Hope that she will continue to call you. If she doesn't you won't have any recourse....if you don't get authorities involved.
But, please don't take this as judgement, but rather concern for children who are helpless, and have no one but adults to rely on...and the adults have to help them. *hugs*
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| MrsTracy |
Posted - Apr 29 2013 : 4:42:07 PM
Thanks Jenne, but as we know, the Lord does not put more on us than we can carry. And if we FEEL we can't do it he places an earthly friend beside us to help us through. This will pass and another will come but each time helps me prepare for the next one and it gets my knees ready to bend.
Our daughter's mental illness has actually brought the family so much closer together. It has softened our hearts and helped us to be less judgmental (talk about folks steeped in THAT sin!) We co-parent and have all grown closer to the Lord. Her husband has become more humble and less arrogant, she has begun to pray more when she couldn't even SEE God while in a manic episode.
Things happen for a reason and I'm starting to see the works in progress! It will never be easy but it will always be according to God's will!
Thanks for the prayers!
Aspiring Titus II and Proverbs 31 Lady. |
| jenne.f |
Posted - Apr 29 2013 : 4:23:05 PM
You have a difficult burden. You will be in
my prayers.
~blessings~
Jenne
Farmgirl #4616
"Longin' to be farmin'.." |
| MrsTracy |
Posted - Apr 29 2013 : 4:20:09 PM
Thank you for your prayers Stephanie, I really appreciate them!
Heather, I'm not quit sure how to respond to your advice. All I can say is I think you meant well. I do feel deeply for your deceased sister in law's situation and that of her children. Can't say that her death was a "relief" to those left behind. I can't and wont judge.
Suffice it to say, it will never be a relief to us. Our daughter has her issues and while I can't go into what brought her to this point, it is not self-inflicted. Her pain IS real.
Until the Lord says otherwise we will continue to support her to the best of our abilities while helping her to accept and seek help. Her children are loved by both parents and cared for but they do witness (sometimes) when she has an episode. She has always been able to put them first by calling me and asking me to help her. She has her moment without the children being witness to it. She wasn't always able to get to that point but thank God for growth and understanding of her illnesses.
Our grands are never a burden to us and they will NEVER be placed in foster care. Our family is very open and we already have a plan in place in the event that she has to be committed if the meds are not sufficient.
As a parent it hurts to see her suffering and it hurts to not be able to help her. Many people do not understand what the family members of the mentally ill go through but they often assume it is cut and dry, black and white. Not so. Most times we already know what to do and are doing it. What we often need is a support group of our own to just help us talk out our feelings and help clear our heads and give us different perspectives but most importantly, a caring shoulder to lean on and cry on.
Aspiring Titus II and Proverbs 31 Lady. |
| sjmjgirl |
Posted - Apr 29 2013 : 3:50:11 PM
My heart breaks for you and your family. You are in my prayers.
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Apr 29 2013 : 08:16:08 AM
you need to get children's welfare involved. I had a sister in law like this, my step brother had 5 kids with her. She was a sociapath (diagnosed). Finally his mother called child protection, they got involved (it was really really bad for the children, don't feel like going all into it, but they were extremely neglected!). Any way, once they got involved, my parents got temp custody and finally perm custody of the children. And my SIL was court ordered to be on birth control. They had one more child and welfare took it away AT the hospital(directly after birth). So, you need to get this ball rolling so no more children have to go through this....I hate to say this, because it's sad for my nieces/nephews, but she died a few years ago (only in her 30's) and it's been a relief for most of us....no more kids for sure!
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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