| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - Apr 01 2013 : 08:24:43 AM
Hey ladies - does the drama ever end? I'm guessing probably not. My dad really stepped in it this weekend. We were supposed to go up on Sunday for Easter dinner, but his wife called Saturday night to tell me that she was canceling it. She hesitated to tell me why because she thought I would be mad at her. Here's the story. Apparently, dad went to help a friend on Saturday with a hog ball fry (ewww)and got pretty pickled himself. He stumbled and fell backward on the gravel drive and hit his head. He's fine. Two of his friends had to bring him home. When she called, he was sleeping it off. She told me she had thought about going through with the dinner, but she just felt she couldn't do it all alone. I told her I didn't blame her one bit for calling it off. I would have. I also told her to smack some sense into him.
She told me she was scared to tell me because dad and I had just started talking again last June after years of no contact. I assured her I wasn't mad at her and to not worry about it, that I would handle it my own way - I always have. I also told her drinking has always been a problem on his side of the family and that's why I don't drink. What made me the most angry about the situation was the fact that his actions put her in an embarrassing situation, that his actions made my son cry and that it brought back a lot of unhappy memories for me. I can deal with my issues about it, but I am having mixed emotions about how it affected my son.
Dad called yesterday and apologized. I told him how disappointed I was in him, how I felt about Nancy having to call everyone and that I hoped he realized that the answers to life aren't at the bottom of a whiskey bottle. I also told him to buy some flowers for Nancy and beg for her forgiveness.
I haven't said anything about DS yet. That will have to be a face to face thing.
Any words of wisdom?
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com www.farmallchick.blogspot.com www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
| 18 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Apr 15 2013 : 12:34:50 PM
awe I see. I give allowances for people who I generally get along with but once in a while there's a outburst...just no longer put up with people who are continually negative though.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - Apr 15 2013 : 08:06:46 AM
Thanks, Heather. I have started cutting ties with negative people, like my mother. This particular friend though - I know she also wasn't feeling 100% either. I overheard her tell her husband she was dealing with PMS and her allergies were driving her nuts. She told me a couple of weeks ago she begun going through early stages of menopause. I think those things, my things and poor fishing was just more than she could deal with that week and lashed out.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com www.farmallchick.blogspot.com www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Apr 12 2013 : 10:32:20 AM
:( Lora.....It's your choice but, I can tell you I do NOT regret cutting ties with the negative people in my life. I did this about 15 years ago....and I've had so much of a easier life with out the stress and drama.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - Apr 12 2013 : 10:29:02 AM
Well we went on our fishing trip. Didn't catch much. I guess because of the terrible heat and drought last summer, a lot of the fish died. The water temperature last week was also about a week or so behind the normal Spring warm up. The friends we shared a cabin with were supposed to come down on Thursday, but didn't get there until Friday. She got mad a me because the fish weren't biting so they left on Sunday. She also said it seemed like I wasn't having any fun. I told her it was because I had a lot of stuff going on with selfish family members, a sucky job, my health and some other stuff. She told me I was miserable to be around. We haven't spoken since she left. I am in the process of writing her a letter trying to explain why I was so distant and if she can't handle it, I guess we don't need to be friends. Whatever. I still haven't decided what to do about my dad. His wife said she was going to call me on Thursday but she didn't. I just need to find a big rock to crawl under.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com www.farmallchick.blogspot.com www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
| ddmashayekhi |
Posted - Apr 09 2013 : 2:15:18 PM
I have not dealt with this personally, but friends of mine have joined the AA family group, Alanon. Perhaps they can help you deal with this as well as your son.
Your in my prayers too.
Dawn in IL |
| rough start farmgirl |
Posted - Apr 09 2013 : 03:52:18 AM
Lora, I think you handled yourself with so much dignity. Your dad's wife will treasure your support. She seems like a good woman. You never know when the truth will click in someone's mind and they will find the courage to stop their destructive behavior. I hope this is the time for your father. You are in my prayers.
Marianne |
| Bonnie Ellis |
Posted - Apr 04 2013 : 8:30:28 PM
It is so hard being in the middle. But his behavior does hurt so many people. Support his wife and be glad your own family you have made is wonderful. Don't let the turkey get you down. God bless. Stay strong.
grandmother and orphan farmgirl |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 1:51:28 PM
I appreciate everyone's input. I'm going to sign off for about a week or so, go fishing and do some soul searching. Hopefully the comments I've made to him will hit their mark. Thanks!
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com www.farmallchick.blogspot.com www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
| HodgeLodge |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 12:30:51 PM
The only words of wisdom that work for me with dealing with my alcoholic family is don't enable them. Everyone is different on how they do things, and have to do what you feel is right. Your in my prayers.
Farmgirl #4817-The greatest gift of the garden is the restoration of the five senses. ~Hanna Rion
https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Hodge-Lodge-Clothesline/285366378259342
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| sonshine4u |
Posted - Apr 02 2013 : 09:06:10 AM
I don't have any words of wisdom, just know that I'm praying for you and your situation. The Lord will provide.
~hugs,
April
Playing in the Sonshine
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| classygram |
Posted - Apr 01 2013 : 3:12:16 PM
My daughter deals with the drinking problem with her step mother . She finally told her if she can't leave the alcohol alone on times they are invited, they will not be attending family gatherings. She started to plan times when its only her dad. No one can help them. They need to want to stop, themselves. I'm really sorry your dealing with this. Sending prayers your way.
http:///www.scatteredlittleblessings.blogspot.com
Seek reasons to Love..In every sigment of everyday-look for something that brings forth within you a feeling of Love-Abraham Hicks |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Apr 01 2013 : 2:13:12 PM
Sounds to me like he's not the "grandfather" you would want for your son. I would look in your area for groups that may be a better grandfather figure.
Big brothers/big sisters.
In my area it's for girls but I would imagine we have something for males simular, I just know about the girls one because my niece is in it, it's ran by the local mental health association, called Girls Empowerment, they have several mentors-a grandmotherly one as well. They do all kinds of things together, at least monthly and sometimes more. But, things like volunteer at Ronald Mc Donald House (I believe they do this one monthly) and other volunteer like things, plus dinners, father/daughter dance, mother/daughter make overs, etc there's a monthly event like that, and so on.
Then we have a "indian" (native american) center, and I have personally found some pretty good grandpas there when I was growing up, and would take classes there from "grandpas". They were FREE classes.
I would look for a like group in your area. Or at the very least find a place for your family to volunteer, or a nice church family at your church, and find some one to be a surrogate grandfather. I still wouldn't have over nights though (I'm very paranoid about my children's safety). But, maybe you can find some grandfather like person at some place like this.
I know though it's never fun to see people you love through reality! Always wishing/dreaming they were something other then they are-a good grandfather, and then realizing they just aren't. It's hard, and sad. I know I've had my own realizations that are NEVER fun. I had to go through periods of grief over it...but it is what is..
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - Apr 01 2013 : 11:27:28 AM
Thanks girls. My son will be 13 April 6th. He's had so much disappointment in his young life already. I just wanted him to have at least one grandparent he could try to look up to. My mother and my MIL are total flops not only as mothers but even worse grandmothers. My step-dad and my FIL have passed away. My step dad didn't like kids when he married my mother, but we managed. He was a decent grandpa though. He would play with my DS, even go so far as to get silly - something I never saw in my own childhood. My own grandfather is lost in his own mind due to dementia. My dad was my son's last chance for a grandpa.
I grew up knowing my dad left my mother and us kids to be with another woman and raise her kids. He kinda left us in the dust. I tried a few times from the time he left (I was 3) until I was about 15 to play along. We got into a huge fight while I was visiting him in Alabama. I stood up to him. He threatened to hit me and I didn't back down. I think that threw him for a loop and I found myself on a plane back to Indiana in short order. I cut off all contact with him after that until my nephew was born many years later. I tried to make peace with him, but his 2nd wife (the one he left us for) wouldn't shut her mouth and I walked away, again. Finally last June at my niece's wedding, I tried one more time. He's on his 3rd wife. I like her, a lot. She could do so much better.
I put my anger and disappointment aside so that my son would have a grandpa and grandma that he could have sleepovers with, go fishing with, play ball with, learn to cook with - I guess I had way to many expectations. I should have known better.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com www.farmallchick.blogspot.com www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Apr 01 2013 : 10:29:54 AM
My DH and I don't drink either. I have alcoholism in my family pretty bad. One of my uncles died just a few years ago from it, and he was only in his early 40's.
Another one is on deaths door, just spent a week in the hospital.
This is just personal advice, and take it or leave it. I know myself for my own children...I do NOT make any big plans with my family. If I make any, I surely don't tell my children of them until I know we for sure are doing it. However, by and large we don't do anything with my alcoholic family. I was exposed to so much crap as a child from the alcoholism I will not expose my children to it. It was really really bad for me-violent, police, etc etc. I have cousins who have had all their children taken away because of their permanent scars from their parents alcoholism.
So my advice would be to....do something separate from alcoholic family for the big things, and only visit that family on days that it won't be a big deal, and don't tell the kids till you are in the car and a block away! lol Call up step mom before you leave and make sure dad isn't sleeping something off or starting something yet. Etc. I would too broach your dad again, face to face (or phone to phone) and tell him this will be your relationship thus far out to protect your children from alcoholism side effects.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Apr 01 2013 : 09:49:55 AM
My prayers are with you, your dad, and all of your loved ones, Lora. I'm so, so sorry. This is something I've had to deal with with my dad my whole life, too. Today, my dad continues to drink, even though it is literally - LITERALLY - killing him. I honestly think it is a demonic possession. I hate it. But I don't hate my dad, I just pray for him and have learned not to take responsibility for him, if that makes sense. I also try very hard not to allow his words and actions to pierce my heart and soul. It's very painful. I, too, have been the recipient of a multitude of apologies. As a good friend once commented to me, "Alcohol is a very jealous lover." Isn't that so true?! I don't honestly think they fully comprehend the repercussions of the alcoholism. I think if my dad really understood, he'd never even allow a thought about about the bottle cross his mind again. His apologies seem so fleeting and meaningless, but I know his heart is in them somewhere. I always remind myself that my dad is trapped in there by the demon. Sometimes it seems as though he is so beaten by the struggle that he has just given up. Other times, its as if he loves the enemy within. And at others, it's seems like he isn't even in there at all anymore - but I know he is. He is in such a pitiful state, truthfully. I wish I could rescue him, set him on his feet and let him live as a free man again, but I know there is only One who truly can... I keep the love in my heart alive for my dad, but I keep my eyes focused on Him, for my dad's sake. So, we just limit exposure to it, you know? God help, bless and protect the spouses, the caregivers, the families and friends... but especially the alcoholic.
Big hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Apr 01 2013 : 09:24:00 AM
Drinking is a real tough thing to deal with in families. Most of the time, folks who drink don't think they have an issue and everyone around them is either fully aware, or totally afraid or uncomfortable bringing it to their attention.
I feel bad for his wife--that was an embarrassing situation to put her in, and it leaves folks goin', "gee, that wasn't very nice, we were all set to go there..."
How old is your son? These are tough things for kids to understand. I think I'd take it up directly with your dad. You've already said your piece, but I think I would approach it again with him, personally, and state that his actions didn't just affect you and his spouse, but the ripple affect caused disappoinment and sadness in your innocent child. That might not change anything, by the by, so I guess you should decide "what" your next step would be. Sounds like this used to be a norm, but maybe that day was just a misstep?
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - Apr 01 2013 : 08:54:47 AM
Thanks Marly. It's his own doing.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com www.farmallchick.blogspot.com www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
| Bear5 |
Posted - Apr 01 2013 : 08:40:43 AM
Lora: I'm sorry you couldn't spend Easter dinner with your Dad. I hope your Dad does buy flowers for Nancy. I'll say a prayer for you.
Hugs.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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