| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - Dec 18 2012 : 12:40:39 PM
She's not really my foster daughter, but she should be. We raised her when her mother was whacked out on drugs and running off all the time. We fed her, clothed her and made sure she had what she needed. All that before we even had a child of our own. She grew up, got married had kids - we had lost touch for a few years. Lately we reconnected and its a good thing.
She's down on her luck in a bad way. After they both suffered job losses, they were evicted from their home in October. They both have jobs again, but not very good ones. They moved in with the ex-sister-in-law of her husband. They had to move out 3 weeks later because the ex SIL was stealing money from K's purse and S's wallet. When K asked her about it - the chick flipped out. We helped them move to another friends house. The house isn't very big so K and S have to sleep in the garage, but at least the children can sleep in the house. My DH and I gave them a bunch of left-over insulation from when we built the barn and also bought heavy-gauge plastic to put on the walls to help block the wind.
I've been giving her rides to work since she only works about 2.5 miles from where I work. I have not asked for gas money because I know she doesn't have it. They have a car but her husband works in another town and has different hours than she does. She usually lets him have the car since he is off earlier than she is. What I don't like is its a car - she needs a van. They have 4 children under 10. Only 1 gets a car seat and that's the baby.
Last Saturday, K was driving to work since S had the day off. She was on the interstate and got cut off by a semi. He ran her into the guardrail and then kept driving. The car was totaled. Thankfully she wasn't hurt. Because of not having a car - her husband got fired - then rehired after I went in a talked to the manager. She doesn't know I did that and I don't want her to find out. He's found someone to take him back and forth most days. He and his brother are trying to fix the car and make it drive-able again.
K told me the other night that she had pawned her wedding rings and another ring to pay some bills. She had to come up with $41 to keep them in pawn so they wouldn't get sold. I gave her $60. She just sat there and cried. I tried to tell her it will get better. I told her lately everyone seems to be in a tough spot, but we all have to stick together and help each other out in anyway that we can. I told her to keep her eye on that little pin dot of a light at the end of the tunnel and just keep walking toward it. She starts a new job January 7 that pays better and has benefits so there's a huge leap forward. I told her that if we lived closer to where the children go to school, they could move in with us, but it's just too far.
I want to sit down with both of them and offer some motherly advice but I don't know how S will take it. K will take it in, but I just don't know about him. See, he doesn't even have his GED and can only get low paying kitchen jobs. He can do better - I know it. I just think his self-esteem is crushed so he won't try. I want to tell him to get his GED and then take some college classes or vocational classes so he can get a better paying job. I mean - if he likes being in the kitchen, then go to cooking school and learn to be a chef. Should I say something or let them figure it out? I don't know. I don't want to alienate him, but I hate seeing K in this miserable predicament.
Lora
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
| 12 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - Jan 08 2013 : 08:01:14 AM
Thanks, Ladies! K and S joined us for Christmas with all 6 children + my 1. It was like being a 4-H leader again. As much as I enjoyed having them over and seeing that they were well fed - I was relieved when they went home! lol.
K started her new job yesterday 1/7, and so far so good. She has to go through 6 weeks of training. As soon as she gets her permanent schedule, we are going to work on S getting his GED and finding him a job a bit closer to home. They are also looking for a rental that will accommodate all of them. She's been posting on her FB page, asking her friends, calling Realtors, and scanning newspapers. I sure hope she finds something.
Lora
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
| cajungal |
Posted - Dec 28 2012 : 06:57:19 AM
Lora, y'all have certainly seen some trying times. When you're in the middle of turmoil, it can feel like you're in it forever....kinda like feeling as though you're trying to run in molasses. Hang in there. It seems like things are already getting better with her new job in Jan.
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt." |
| laurentany |
Posted - Dec 27 2012 : 6:41:14 PM
Lora,
So glad to see they got the car up and running. Even happier to see that the kids were ale to enjoy some gifts on Christmas!
Keeping them in prayer.
Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
View my New Blog:
http://simplesuburbanpleasures.blogspot.com
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - Dec 27 2012 : 12:29:05 PM
I wanted to say thanks again for everyone's input. We made it through Christmas and with some much appreciated donations, the children were able to have a few toys to open on Christmas day. K and S have worked hard on repairing the car and it is drive-able now. Her current employer called her Monday (Christmas Eve) and told her she didn't need to come to work the rest of the week - she wasn't needed. Her last day was to be the 28th anyway, so I told her to just enjoy the time with her children before she starts her new job in January.
Lora
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
| laurentany |
Posted - Dec 23 2012 : 4:19:51 PM
Praying for the whole situation. I hope that things get better for them, and the children. Breaks my heart to read stories like this.
Bless you for being there for them.
Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
View my New Blog:
http://simplesuburbanpleasures.blogspot.com
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - Dec 20 2012 : 11:10:13 AM
Thanks you for your input.
I don't think I'm a fixer - I just felt it was unfair that S was fired because his wife, K, was in a wreck. He had made arrangements for someone to take him, but that person was late picking him up, which made him about 5 minutes late for work. Now, mind you, I don't normally step in like that especially when someone is already on 'probation' for similar issues. Usually I'm a 'whatever happens, happens' or 'You made your bed'...kind of person. This instance was unfair to him, K and the children if S lost his income at this time. When I talked to the manager, I asked for him to reconsider and if S failed again, then by all means do what he needed to do.
And as far as giving K some cash to keep her rings from getting sold - she had the money to get them out until she had to pay a tow truck to bring her car 40 miles home and buy car parts to try to fix the car. I told her that was her Christmas gift from us. I haven't offered any other money because I simply do not have it and I know it might cause other problems.
I am not trying to 'fix' their problems, but help them figure things out and get past them and offering ideas on how to not get in this situation again. It is so hard to express feelings in typed words and sometimes certain things come out wrong or can't be put into words. I don't and haven't nagged and begged and I don't even really know what you mean by that. We have given them an open offer to babysit and most of his GED can be taken online. I guess what I meant by not wanting to alienate him is that I can be very blunt and it has come back to bite me. He is of mixed race and tends to get defensive when someone offers constructive criticism. He lost his mother when he was young and they had been fighting before she died. I realize that is his baggage and he needs to learn to deal with it, but he hasn't really had a mother figure to offer guidance and tough love. When I talked to her about it and she said he wants to get his GED, I felt relived that I didn't have to suggest it to him. What I did do was give her a list of online resources so he could get started.
I understand how, by reading my post, it looks like I want to fix her problems. We all want to fix our loved ones problems but we can't. What I have done is stand back and watch and when she needs something, she asks for it, like moving out of one house and into the garage of another - she asked us to help them move because we have a truck - we didn't offer. I've always told her if she needed something to just ask and if I could help, I would. I also ask her repeatedly when something doesn't work out, what she learned from the experience. As far as the money for the rings go - she didn't ask for it, but I had been having a hard time trying to decide what to do for them for Christmas and it just worked out that way. I feel like God brought her back into my life or me back into hers for many reasons and maybe that little bit of money was one of them.
I also understand that when posting things on a forum, readers are only getting a small glimpse of the situation. Advice and opinions are offered based on how they interpret what they read. I am not offended or put off by what was said, but I did feel that a little more insight to the situation as needed.
Lora
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
| MtnGrlByTheBay |
Posted - Dec 20 2012 : 07:56:55 AM
Whoa. You are a helper and a fixer. Good on one hand, but potentially not good on the other.
We're in country where being HONEST it difficult, because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Problem is... that sometimes "feelings" have nothing to do with it, and brute honesty is what's needed. I know... easier said than done. Our hearts just get in the way.
Here's a suggestion off the top of my head. Set boundaries by making a written list (maybe in a nice card or something crafty). List ways you are willing to help. Specific ways, like "Drive you to the BlahBlah center on Monday nights for your GED class at 6:00pm and pick you up at 9:00pm." Another would be, "Take you to social services on Wednesday to apply for help." Another might be, "Host dinner for you and your family every other Friday night."
Remember that it is UP TO THEM to take advantage of the offers on your list. You can't control them and their perceptions. You can pray about it, and be sincere, but you can't nag and beg.
I'm SO glad they have jobs. Heaven helps those who help themselves.
^^^I'm a RidgeRunner, and will always feel best when surrounded by the PA mountains.^^^
www.lastlapgang.com |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Dec 19 2012 : 09:55:00 AM
yeah lots of jobs are hard now a days.
I must concur though he needs to figure out how to get a GED. It's not that hard, and they have classes to help people learn to pass them.
As for jobs, my husband makes pretty good money as a trash man, BUT, the thing is you need a CDL, and I'm pretty sure a GED.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - Dec 19 2012 : 07:26:02 AM
I agree that things are hard. I was merely suggesting that if he liked cooking that much he might think about it. I had a chat with her last night on the way home from work and made the suggestion. She said she really didn't think he liked it as much as before because they were treating him poorly. I appreciate the information as I know she already has debt related to school loans. It just so hard anymore.
Lora
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
| AnnieinIdaho |
Posted - Dec 18 2012 : 10:02:39 PM
Hi Lora,
Blessings on you. In reading your post I saw mention of going to cooking school. I don't want to be the Debbie Downer here really, especially if someone truly enjoys the culinary world. However, after 9-11 our daughter's job in the non-profit sector of D.C. dried up and she had to pursue another direction, so she went to culinary school. It is very costly, and the loans they give you one must be very careful in reading the fine print. Schooling took two years and eventhough she is now doing very well, it has taken 10 years to climb the ladder. Unless you are in a major city where corporate culinary jobs are, it is difficult to make enough to live on. We had to supplement her income for the first couple of years. There is a hierarchy and you start at the bottom usually doing dishes, then prepping food, like cutting up fish and chickens, then moving onto veggies and fruits. All the while, the industry has flaky owners of smaller business. They often do not meet payroll, have made poor business decisions that ripple down to the employees. It is also a "dirty kitchen" environment meaning in order to survive the long and demanding hours, and the crabby demanding guest, drugs abound. Our Julie had very strong boundaries and was able to keep out of these messes. She does not believe in the use of drugs, but she saw alot of employees go down that road. If someone is a weaker personality or down and out that environment may be too risky. If one gets to become a soux chef or a pastry chef the pay rises somewhat but in reality is not enough to support a family. The hours are long, and weekends and holidays are mandatory. The old days of a great coffee shop are nearly over. One can actually make more money being a server without the huge student loan to get through culinary school. My husband and I have both worked in the restaurant business for years and with food costs jumping again, many places will just not be able to stay afloat. Even the government in their military dining facilities are struggling and having to close down some feeding arenas and move to MRE's. It indeed is a difficult time to find employment because many jobs fall into what I called pseudo employment, a sort of middle person doing tasks that can be cut out. I don't mean to be a dream squasher, because I believe dreams keep us moving forward, but some dreams have a high price tag on them and unless all factors are in grand alignment, they are not worth the effort and expense. Best to you, do what you can, but also remember that when we do too much for someone, it sends a message to them that we have little faith they can achieve their own success. And people do create their problems, i.e. 4 children really! One must be able to be secure to take care of each person in the family. This is yet another case where facing "the truths" that got them to this place will hurt. And it perpetuates itself over and over again. She could end up losing her kids if they cannot take care of them, and once again the history of foster child repeats itself. Best to you in your endeavors. Have them contact the county and look into assistance for shelter and food. I really do not mean to sound cruel. It just saves time and heartache to get the help that is really needed before even greater difficulties arise. I will pray for the grace of God to touch you and those in the situation.
In reality most jobs her husband will ever aspire to will not earn enough income to take care of a family of six. Many in the depression era and the dust bowl had to give their kids to family or friends in order to find the time to work hard to earn just enough to survive. I am hopeful she reported the accident and a description, there is one avenue for a lawsuit if they find the truck and driver. Annie
"The turnings of life seldom show a sign-post; or rather, though the sign is always there, it is usually placed some distance back, like the notices that give warning of a bad hill or a level railway-crossing." Edith Wharton, 1913 from 'The Custom of the Country'. |
| Fiddlehead Farm |
Posted - Dec 18 2012 : 5:19:58 PM
What a dear friend you are. I will also be praying for them.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
I am trying to be the person my dogs think I am.
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
| Bear5 |
Posted - Dec 18 2012 : 3:15:39 PM
I think you are an angel for all the help you've given. I will keep all of them in my prayers.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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