| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Woodswoman |
Posted - Oct 14 2012 : 12:17:25 PM
The Christmas battles, that is.
Long story short. My husbands family prefers to do Christmas afternoon/dinner at there house. This is due to the fact that his brother is paraplegic, and it takes awhile to get him up in the morning. Also, they spend Christmas eve with his Dad's family. So, they have some good reasons, but are also pretty inflexible whenever I try to suggest something different.
My parents are in a new house, and my mother really wants to do Christmas dinner at her house. Which does seem reasonable to me. But...my mom has boderline personality disorder, and no matter what we do, gets mad at us every Christmas for not spending enough time with her. My husband has been pretty good about dealing with this every year.
So, when I told him my parents wanted to change what we do for Christmas, alternating dinner at there house each year, he got so irritated that he didn't even want to talk about it. And I got so mad at him for not talking about it we are currently not even speaking to each other.
Sigh. I remember when I used to like the holidays. Now it just seems like too much drama, and too much of me trying to make everyone happy.
Thanks for listening to me vent. I guess this too shall pass.
Jennifer
Farmgirl Sister #104
"Nature brings to every time and season some beauties of its own".
-Charles Dickens |
| 15 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| KatyDid |
Posted - Nov 14 2012 : 09:46:14 AM
Hi Jennifer, I agree with Lorena - since you had normally been spending Christmas Eve with your husband's family but your mom wants to host Christmas this year also, the best solution, I think, would be to do Christmas Eve and Christmas Day dinners. That way both sides of the family get to host for Christmas. That is what my family does - Christmas Eve is for the smaller family unit here in RI, and Christmas Day we travel to NJ to celebrate and do dinner with my grandmother, aunt and uncle on my dad's side.
It is possible that once the novelty of the new house wears off, maybe your mom will not want to host every year, so if you decide to split it up, it may just be temporary. Alternately, if the planning gets to be too much to juggle, I am sure your families would (eventually) understand if you wanted to start your own Christmas tradition of either hosting at your house and having them come to you (although that might be difficult for your brother-in-law), or just having your own dinner and getting together with the larger family group on another holiday, like Thanksgiving or Easter. I like Jonni's cabin-renting idea! Good luck, and I wish you a settled (maybe even relaxing!) holiday :)
Farmgirl Sister #4527
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
- Mae West |
| hialtfarmgirl |
Posted - Nov 07 2012 : 8:26:44 PM
Just some thoughts..How about starting a new tradition for your own family and staying home...your extended families will be ok, after time..
I too know about this stuff.I truly dont like the fights, anger, mad hatters and the like.....after the initial first year, everyone got over it and they all just know we do our own thing when it comes to holidays(which we dont partake of Christmas either)....
"LOVING" life at 4000 feet..."LOVE" is a very splendid thing... |
| JoyIowa |
Posted - Nov 07 2012 : 05:33:46 AM
How about saving Christmas for the family that lives in your household with the open invitation that any/all are welcome to join you? Then use the Saturday before at your mom's and the Saturday after at his mom's. They might understand if you explain that your nucleus family needs to establish its own traditions just like your parents did when you were kids.
Just a thought.
Peace,
Joy
If it's not illegal, unsafe, or immoral, why not try anything once? Who knows? You may come back for a second helping! |
| Woodswoman |
Posted - Oct 24 2012 : 6:30:16 PM
Thanks everyone - it feels good just to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this. Just today my mother sent me this long, rambling, very hurtful e-mail. Everything from how I'm a terrible aunt to my nephew to how I ruin the holidays. A few hours later she sent an e-mail saying how she didn't mean to be hurtful, and apologizing for being "crazy". A few hours later she asked if we want to go to dinner on Friday with them. My head is spinning!!
Jennifer
Farmgirl Sister #104
"Nature brings to every time and season some beauties of its own".
-Charles Dickens |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Oct 24 2012 : 12:56:01 PM
Ugh. I hate this stuff. When I was married to my first husband, I wanted to shoot myself everytime the holidays rolled around. His mother (a paranoid schizophrenic who suffered from bi-polar disorder, too, poor thing) would get all bent out of shape if we went to my mother's or my husband's father's house for any holiday and would cry and call the house and leave sadsack messages that initially made me feel bad, then just made me mad. My mother was recently widowed and I didn't want her to spend the holidays by herself, or have to go to neighbors or whatever, like a stragler, but that never seemed to matter. Then we tried to split the holidays: this year, we Thanksgiving at so and so's, then Christmas at your so and so's, then his mom would think that she was getting the "crap" holiday if she got Thanksgiving, so I quickly realized that she was just self absorbed and there was no way to please her.
So, we ended up splitting up the holidays period. I went to my family and he to his. It was very tough on our relationship and I grew to really resent this time of year. We divorced (not because of holidays, though to be honest, I couldn't believe how relieved I was after our divorce when Christmas rolled around!!!)
Now, remarried and in the "nuclear fallout family" (and I mean that in the nicest way :)), it's great. My husbands parents divorced, and remarried and my mil and step mil are best friends! My husbands sister and two 1/2 brothers are also very close and we all get together at my mil's house for large gatherings. My mom, still unmarried, gets along with them really well and they always include her in gatherings. We celebrate Thanksgiving in Indianapolis at my sil's house (my mom doesn't care about Thanksgiving and has to always work at Kohl's black friday at 3 am, so she goes to her dear friend's place), we celebrate Christmas Eve at my mother's, then Christmas morning with all the inlaws. Since having a little one of our own, we find it a lot easier to say, "Santa comes to our house Christmas morning." so that pushes back any necessity to be anywhere too early.
Ever think about renting a cabin in the woods and bringing along all the holiday trimmings for your own Christmas?
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
| Melina |
Posted - Oct 24 2012 : 07:41:20 AM
Your story is so familiar I may suffer flashbacks! We spent years and years trying to make both sides happy and never really succeeded. Both families lived about 8 hours away and we were expected to bundle up the kids and gifts and travel over the river and through the woods. Then there would be a battle over where we would stay and whether we would have Christmas eve or Christmas day with one family or the other. We finally decided things by saying Christmas was at our house, they could travel more easily than us, and if they wanted to see us, fine, come see us and be on your best behavior! It worked better than anything else we came up with. It wasn't wonderful, there were tense times when everyone descended at once, but we survived with gritted teeth.
We also contemplated going away on our own to a resort, but never actually got it done.
The morning breeze has secrets to tell you. Do not go back to sleep.
Rumi |
| delicia |
Posted - Oct 17 2012 : 07:48:47 AM
Jennifer could you ask your Mom about doing a Brunch at her house instead of a dinner? Don't let your families tear you and your husband apart I know it seems hard but, try and see if you and he can just sit down and talk about the points of each. That being said it does seem like his family has some needs and you have been doing that so it is like a tradition. Good luck I hope that you don't let it ruin the Christmas Season for you. |
| queenmushroom |
Posted - Oct 15 2012 : 6:28:42 PM
I understand that your mom has a disorder and I don't mean to sound rude and disrespectful, but do you think she is using it as an excuse to manipulate you into bending to her wishes? I know you want to be respectful of her, but maybe you need to be firm in your Christmas plans regardless of where you spend them and show her that you will not cow tow to her. She needs to accept that you do have other family members too.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
| Woodswoman |
Posted - Oct 15 2012 : 5:53:50 PM
Thanks, everyone. It just gets frustrating year after year. It's just such a weird combination. We've got my husbands mom who does what she's always done, no matter what, but doesn't really give us too hard a time - but I think my husband feels guilty when he misses stuff. Then we've got my mom who seems to flip out every year no matter what. I know she has a disorder she can't really help, but when we tried doing Christmas Eve at my house last year, she went to bed (yes, at my house) and wouldn't speak to anyone.
I've been thinking that my husband and I should just go away somewhere for actual Christmas since it is so emotionally charged, and celebrate with our families on alternative days - both of them! But again, things will work out somehow!
Thanks again for listening!
Jennifer
Farmgirl Sister #104
"Nature brings to every time and season some beauties of its own".
-Charles Dickens |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Oct 15 2012 : 3:48:18 PM
That's awful, Jennifer - I feel so bad for you! Would it be possible for you to spend Christmas Eve at one home and then Christmas Day at the other and then switch every year? Or maybe Christmas Day at one home and New Year's day at the other and then switch every year? If you do it that way, maybe you could pose it as a solution that really extends the Christmas holiday so that you can have plenty of time to enjoy with both families. It sure would be nice if they'd let you host it at your house every once in a while, too. Then everyone could come to your house and spend the day together - like Heather was saying. Hang in there. Hugs - Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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| Sharon65 |
Posted - Oct 15 2012 : 3:28:48 PM
Hugs to you! I guess I would ask why your parents are willing to bend and are asking for every other Christmas, and your in-laws can't?
Can you accommodate them all at your home and have them bring food so you won't have to do all the cooking? My in-laws wouldn't agree to that because they don't like to have anyone not "in the immediate family" at their holiday functions. Luckily they live 1000 miles away.
Thinking of you,
Sharon |
| 22angel |
Posted - Oct 15 2012 : 2:58:50 PM
My sister's in-laws are like that. Everything has to be at their house, on the specific day, and heaven forbid that something should be altered  . So now it's just an understanding on our side that it will be at Mom's on the Saturday before. And it works for us. It did take some "adjusting" & getting used to, but whenever I have my own family, I think it will work out ok doing things that way, just because I know that at Mom's, it will be Saturday (whenever possible). I don't understand people who are so inflexible & stubborn when it comes to that kind of thing - they are not the center of the universe, they need to share too! & they need to realize that you are not just part of one family anymore, there are so many more people to work into holidays!
Hope you find something that works for you guys!
Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself.
"When I grow up, I want to be dirt." seen on a box through construction in Wyoming 2010 |
| queenmushroom |
Posted - Oct 14 2012 : 6:06:00 PM
First of all, it sounds like your family has to do alot of bending for both sides of the family which isn't fair to you and your hubby. I don't blame him for not wanting to fix something that was working fine to begin with. Secondly, I don't blame you for wanting to keep peace with your mom. Why not have Christmas Eve supper with you mom and keep Christmas day supper with your dh's family. If you need to spend time with his dad then what about new years day? Just remember that it's more than about gifts, it's about caring. Think of it this way...it just spreads the holiday season out a little longer.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Oct 14 2012 : 3:00:34 PM
PS I will tell you my family does not celebrate xmas for religious reasonings.
However my mom's brother did. And he wanted to spend time with my mom, us, and my grandma. So what they would do is, spend Xmas with his wife's family every year, and the day after, or saturday after (etc-what ever was the next best day) we would get together with him, at his home. This worked out for all of us, since we didn't celebrate it, he could celebrate it with his wife's family. Yet still got to spend time with us, and grandma etc, on another day. And then there was never any fights about which family.
On the other hand you two are now your own family. And need to do what's right for your own family (you and your husband) and people with personality disorders and such need to respect and understand that, and personally just grow up a little as well. you shouldn't be being bullied by any one about the time spent with them.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Oct 14 2012 : 2:56:57 PM
Is there a reason that both families can't get together at one location?
And since it seems more about being together and dinner/food, can't one family maybe do it a different day? Does it have to be ON the xmas day?
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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