| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| sjmjgirl |
Posted - Aug 07 2012 : 4:40:12 PM
Hey sisters,
Its been a few weeks since Ive posted (busy time of year at work,etc). Im hoping you all wil give me some perspective on my situation. Some of you may know that Im a single parent of a fabulous 10 year old boy. He is a great kid and i wouldnt trade him for the world. What you may not know is that his father, who lives only 30 minutes away, hasnt seen him in over a year. Not even a phone call. He has never been a present father in his life, but he did keep in contact regularly until this past year. Recently, my son did a family tree project through the summer day care program he goes to. I was helping him do research online and apparently his "dad" is on Facebook. He has a new girlfriend, which is fine by me (she can have him!), but what really got me is that he recently travelled cross country on vacation with her and her mother. He can travel thousands of miles on vacation, but cant drive 30 to see his own son? Granted, he didnt visit all that often when he was in contact (2-3 times a year usually). This paired with the fact that there is NO mention of my son on his Facebook page (has he even told any of his new friends, not to mention his girlfriend, that he has a child?), has sent me over the edge. It is taking every bit of strength I have to not post a big ol letter on his Facebook saying what a poor excuse for a dad he his and where he can go. I know its wrong, it will serve no purpose and may make things worse, but darn it, I want him to feel bad about what he's done! Not to mention I would like his new girlfriend to know exactly what kind of person he is. My son is a great kid and doesnt deserve this kind of treatment. Ladies, please give me your strength! i could really use it!
UPDATE:
My son's grandma (my ex's mom) is in town for a funeral for the next few days. She took him to see his Dad today, which is great. They apparently went to lunch and the Raptor Center to look at birds. I think its wonderful because I want him to have a relationship with his Dad. However, his new girlfriend tagged along. She is 22. He is 39. I do not think that is great. Knowing what I know about him, she is probably being taken advantage of. My ex MIL said that he has moved in with her and they have gotten a loan and started a taxi company. My ex has experience with taxi cabs, but none running a business. Plus he is one of about 7 companies in a town of about 67,000 (most of which are computer tech people and college professors). It just seems like a recipe for disaster and I dont want it blowing up around my son. When he and I were together he kept talking about starting his own company, but he wanted me to take out a loan by myself. I smartly said no. I knew I would be on the hook for the entire amount. Then after we broke up and my son was born, he kept saying he was going to get a loan in my son's name(?!?). I kept saying HELL NO of course. I realize the improbablity of that actually happening, but I wanted to be sure he knew I was serious. Nonetheless, I think I will contact my bank tomorrow for advice considering recent events, just to be safe.
Now that I read this, maybe I should hope that his dad should stay away. And I dont want my son to be disappointed when his dad fails him. Again. Ugh!
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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| 13 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| summer girl |
Posted - Aug 24 2012 : 8:15:23 PM
When I was very young my parents split up. My mother never saed a bad word about my father (that I know of). I was in the thered grade when I met my father. By then I had no need for a father. We are blood related and love each other but we are completly different people. As for my little brother, he turned out better then if we had a man in the house. He always found someone elses dad to teach him man things but he lerned how to treat women right from our mother, older sister and me. All of his girlfrinds that I have met have thanked us for rasing such a wonderfull man.
do what you love, love what you do |
| Neecerie |
Posted - Aug 22 2012 : 09:24:29 AM
And while unlike the song, some real life dad's never figure out what they did.....
I would just say, sometimes its better to have almost no contact, then -bad- contact. Some of us have turned out pretty darn ok despite zero contact with our fathers, so I say don't force or push the 'visit your kid' issue...if he doesn't want to make time, then let that be the answer and just let him do what it is he wants.
Your kid is smart enough to figure out who loves and respects him.....
If there are other good male role models for him that you can enlist to spend that precious 'guy time' with, do so...uncles, cousins, grandpa's, can all help bridge the 'male bonding' gap.
The world's only Art Deco farmgirl? |
| queenmushroom |
Posted - Aug 22 2012 : 08:59:52 AM
I agree with everyone else. Your son needs to develop a relationship with his dad on his own and form his own opinions/conclusion. Do not bad mouth your ex. Do not deny your son contact with his dad. If he wants to call or visit his dad, let him. Be there to pick up the pieces when it's not convenient for the father. And even in those times, do not say one bad word. Let your son know it's ok to be upset with his father. Don't put anything on FB or anywhere else or you might regret it later. Yes, it angers you and rightfully so. But remember, the relationship is now between father and son. Remember the song, "Cat's in the Cradle" (maybe I'm aging myself but look up the lyrics on line). That's what will happen to the father if he does not nurture his son now.
Lorie
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
| rschaaf |
Posted - Aug 13 2012 : 4:27:46 PM
i am a foster mom and have heard many a story from caseworkers, etc. that would curl your hair if you knew how some parents treated their birth children. for a lot of them, things (boyfriends, girlfriends, drugs, etc.) just simply become more important to them than their children. it is sad, very sad.
as a Christian, i rely on the fact that God will dish out the "just desserts". meanwhile, it is my job to be a shining example of a good, Christ-like person. that means alot of praying, smiling, and gritting teeth when you would rather just rip someone's head off.
i am with the other gals: forgive and move on and just be the best mom ever! your son's father may or may not "man up", but it will be his loss in the end. at least your son has one stable parent who loves him dearly, some kids don't even get that. youre doing fine. just breathe, pray and rest it on God's shoulders...they are big.
"There is beauty, there is grace, in my peaceful country place!"
See what I'm up to at: http://www.lifeonctfarm.blogspot.com |
| GirlwithHook |
Posted - Aug 13 2012 : 10:51:19 AM
Let me speak from another perspective...my father walked out when I was very small and never attempted to make contact afterwards. I didn't even have a relationship with my sister until I was an adult!
What I DID have was a lonely, angry mother who pounded it in every. Single. Day that my dad left because he didn't want me. Ultimately, I took away the message that SHE didn't want me either.
Don't be "that mom." Downplay his father's selfishness and pour your love on your son so that he knows at least one of his parents loves and wants him. Trust me, he's old enough to understand the rest in his own heart.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
| delicia |
Posted - Aug 12 2012 : 4:04:00 PM
Stephanie, I agree with the other ladies. Your Son needs a strong, safe enviroment not his parents fighting and it probably will not make any difference at all to your ex. Please don't lower yourself and behave in a way that you may regret a different day. Your Son sounds great just drop the ex.. |
| Melina |
Posted - Aug 12 2012 : 09:36:05 AM
You say you want your ex to feel bad, well he won't. You will just look like a bitter, vindictive woman scorned. Take the high road, Stephanie, and let your son see what a positive woman of integrity you are. He might not understand things now, but he will later.
The morning breeze has secrets to tell you. Do not go back to sleep.
Rumi |
| Ruby V |
Posted - Aug 11 2012 : 11:33:51 PM
I know it's hurtful to your son for his dad to treat him this way. But if I were you, I'd just let it drop and not try to force your ex to come and see his son. It could backfire on you down the road. You never know what might happen - your ex might decide to try to get custody. Or if they become close, your son, once he's a teen, might decide he wants to live with his dad.
I wouldn't let your son read his dad's facebook page. It might just make him feel worse about the situation. Actually, there's alot of gals who'd consider you lucky. You could be having to deal with a control-freak ex every day regarding your son. That's the situation my hubby's in. I'd love it if his ex was out of the picture.
hang in there!
Ruby ~ Sister #3597 |
| FarmDream |
Posted - Aug 10 2012 : 1:07:46 PM
Maybe let your son know that he is not alone in this situation. There are a lot of kids who've had parents walk out on them. He will naturally have sad moments but it should also inspire your son as an example of what kind of person he DOESN'T want to be when he grows up. Spending time being angry will only hurt you. Living happily is the best revenge. Maybe that cross country trip the dad took was completely paid for by the new gf. And if he doesn't publicly acknowledge him on FB, then you and your son don't have to publicly acknowledge him either.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://www.etsy.com/shop/BitsofEntropy?ref=si_shop
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
| shanda |
Posted - Aug 07 2012 : 9:02:56 PM
I agree with these ladies! As a single mom I know how hard it is to hold your tongue. But I let my kids make up there mind and stayed out of it. My oldest did say that when we (his parents) get old, He is gonna put his dad in a nursing home and I get to live with him! And I do confess, I found that to be rather fitting!! HA!
Hang in there! Our kids are smart enough to see the truth.
Shanda
Farmgirl #4233 |
| Joey |
Posted - Aug 07 2012 : 7:31:46 PM
Been there, done that too. I agree with Lorie. I raised my daughter and never said anything bad about her father. I figured he would do himself in and he did. When my daughter was 16 God sent me my 2nd husband. She gave us a hard way to go for awhile but in her early 20s he became her Dad and they are now very close. In her early 30s her father came back into her life and wanted to be a dad. He is back in her life but he will NEVER be Dad and he knows it. She is very clear bout his peripheral place in her life. She always credits me for taking the high road. I resent that he has ANYTHING to do with my grand girls but my hubby is their "Pop Pop" and my ex is just a wanna be. I do not bad mouth him to them either. They know. I'm here too if you need to talk. Sending you and your boy hugs. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
| oldbittyhen |
Posted - Aug 07 2012 : 6:28:08 PM
He sounds like the kinda person that you DON"T want in your son's life, it may be a blessing in disguise...that being said, I would have a very hard time not outing him publicly on facebook, but thats me, I'm a in your face kinda girl so...but at the same time, ask your son jf he really wants contact with someone who does not care about him, and then go fron there...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
| Lorie.Vance |
Posted - Aug 07 2012 : 5:49:22 PM
Hi Stephanie! Been there done that! My best advice is to take the high road, forgive him, and give your son a remarkable life and all your love without a bad word about his father. Your former husband will deal with God almighty on judgement day, and have to explain why he couldn't care for the only child he was given. Your example will serve your son well in the future. He knows you love him and will always be there for him. God will deal with younformer husband in his own way and provide your son a fatherly example to learn from, just as he did my son. I've been remarried about 10 years to a fantastic man who my 21- year old son calls Dad. He now has a relationship with his father is, but knows his dad is there for him always. I've got a hundred stories you wouldn't believe...lol. I'm here if you ever need to talk.
Lorie
http://thevintagegardengirl@blogspot.com |
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