| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Crystal Koelzer |
Posted - Mar 25 2012 : 4:01:33 PM
Ladies, I need to share some tears, get some advice, hugs, prayers, I don’t know what. My husband and I are splitting up. We have been married six years and have a two year old. I don’t know if it is a good thing or not. It has not been good for a while but I am still hoping in a few weeks or so that we will both be willing to work on things.
I don’t even know what to tell…just that I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. We recently moved back to the states from Germany and are living with my parents until our stuff arrives to find an apartment. I don’t have any friends here and don’t want to talk to my parents.
There are so many thoughts going through my head right now. I don’t want it to be over, I still love my husband very much but I also know that things can’t keep on the way they have. If things don’t work out, then what? I have always stayed home with our son and we want to home school him. Is that even possible if I am a single parent? How do I work if I have my son all the time. I really don’t even know any divorcees that have gone through this. Which is another thing, I feel ashamed that my marriage has failed. All my family is still together. Are we giving up too soon?
One prayer that I do know I need is that my husband will find someone to talk to other than his parents. He is now staying with them and they have never liked me. And our be all, end all argument was over them. I made his dad very angry and he is a mean, mean man. So he has the devil sitting on one shoulder and no angel to sit on the other.
Anyways thanks for listening.
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| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| erowease |
Posted - May 31 2012 : 10:22:00 PM
Oh, I forgot to mention that I have a Mother that sounds like your FIL. I had to work with a counselor to try and learn how to establish boundaries. It's not easy when its your own mother but I have to put my marriage first. (Hubby #2) It gets hard sometimes because I get caught in the middle which is probably how your husband feels. I think if you both get help in establishing priorities and boundaries you will have a chance to work things out. Just know its going to take time and patience.
Lesley
Lesley
#2950
"I see God in the eyes of every child...every life is precious to God, whatever the circumstances." Mother Teresa |
| erowease |
Posted - May 31 2012 : 10:07:55 PM
Been there myself after 18 years of marriage. The key that I found was just trying to take one day at a time and work with a counselor to work through all the issues, anger, frustration etc. if hubby will join you, great. If he won't at least go yourself to put yourself on a good path.
Things I did to survive the worst year of my life:
Read the bible every day
Journaled
Wrote scathing letters to vent my anger and never mailed them
Bought a season of Symphony tickets so that I had something positive to look forward to each month. Since money may be an issue try and find something to get you out and socializing with people that makes you feel good.
Made a list at the end of the day of 5 things I was thankful for and I had to tell myself at least one good thing that happened that day. (even if it was just someone saying hello)
Allowed myself to live in the moment and cry if I want to.
Found a church based support group that was experiencing the same stuff.
Read books on recovery
oh and did I mention journaling? I have never written so much in my life but it is what helped me survive. I will probably never read them again and may burn them someday but I found it was a way to dump all that I had and not burden a friend or relation.
Had friends I could call at anytime if the need arose who could help me refocus my thoughts. (I was dealing with deep depression and had to learn how to ask for help when I really needed it.)
I really understand and can relate to the pain and experiences you are going through.
I just recently read a book by Gary Chapman "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts". I wish I would have read this years ago, it talks about how each of us has a different love language. It may be worth a read and a starting point to try and work things out.
Lesley
Lesley
#2950
"I see God in the eyes of every child...every life is precious to God, whatever the circumstances." Mother Teresa |
| Rosemary |
Posted - May 27 2012 : 09:24:46 AM
Sounds like your husband grew up in a harsh environment, where compromise wasn't tolerated, if it was even thought of. Then the military controls on top of that. No wonder he has trouble seeking a middle ground with you. Counseling sure would help. Church or military counselors might just extend the same dualistic thinking into your conversations. Might be better to look for a nonprofit civilian "family service" type of service. Your military counseling service might be able to provide you with a referral that TriCare would then cover. Blessings, dear. War is hell in more ways than one. |
| FaithfulchickWI |
Posted - May 26 2012 : 10:08:33 AM
I hope things have gotten better for you. If you stay together or go the divorce root it is a long road. I have been there. To echo other posts...counseling for both of you of if he refuses go yourself. I know that I could have not gotten through my seperation..and divorce with out it. Also, If you can get a support system for yourself...friend, family that helps as well. One of the best pieces of advice that I received was to keep your child in your mind in regards to your actions, words, and environment. (they pick up on every thing, which I am sure you are aware)
My heart also aches for you when you say that your in-laws are not helping the situation. I again have first hand experience in this as well. My ex-mother in-law is not a woman who you want against you.
I will be praying that things get better :) |
| queenmushroom |
Posted - May 01 2012 : 5:03:06 PM
Prayers to you and your family. It's hard when you have no friends close to where you live. It's too bad that your in laws couldn't have an "apartment" set up over their garage or something like that so that you and your hubby can have your private time. I would definately go for counsiling even if he doesn't want to. Yes, counsilors will help a spouse if the other one does not want to attend. I would also talk with him about a maximum time to live with your in laws, say no more than 6 mos but out the sooner the better. By then, you should have an idea as to where your marriage is heading and if, unfortunately, you do end the marriage, you could have a stash of money set aside for your own place. HUGSSS to you.
Lorie
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - May 01 2012 : 10:31:04 AM
Praying for you.
Lora
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
| walkinwalkoutcattle |
Posted - Apr 30 2012 : 5:00:22 PM
Crystal, I have no good advice to give you-just hugs and prayers! I pray God does a mighty miracle in your marriage! That there's reconciliation and a re-committing! :)
Farmgirl #2879 :)
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com
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| crittergranny |
Posted - Apr 09 2012 : 3:42:15 PM
Well I was sort of meaning that PTSD may be coming from having to fight in a war and then come home and be a son. It's hard for the parents sometimes to see them as adults even thought they are, because they didn't see them become adults. I'm just sayin time heals. Don't give up. Trust in God. Don't take it too hard and just focus on your own interests. For me its my horses, they are fun and their hearts are honest and simple.
Laura
Horse poor in the boonies.
www.nmbarrelhorses.com |
| MrsRooster |
Posted - Apr 09 2012 : 12:32:30 PM
Lots of prayers. Family can be a very hard challenge. My SIL nearly broke up my hubby and I this past summer. We are happily living away from her now. Contact with her is very limited and I let my Hubby deal with her.
There are some very toxic people in the world and it is very hard to deal with them when they are family.
You will have to set rules about what you will let happen. This is YOUR child and the car seat rule is in stone. It will help if you buy them one, but they must understand that what must happen in order for them to take the child anywhere. My Hubby got into it with my Mom because she kept putting my daughter on her stomach and wrapping her in a blanket. He finally said that she would not be allow to stay with her if she did it again. I stepped up and agreed and that was the end of the discussion.
If you don't have a united team (you and your hubby) then this will only get worse. Seek conselling. You need to get it together first then deal with all the other stuff.
Love and prayers.
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
www.flossesandcrosses.blogspot.com
www.morganicinstitute.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
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| Valkyrie922 |
Posted - Apr 09 2012 : 09:33:22 AM
Laura - you are right. Of course, with a father who is that self-centered and controlling, you have to wonder how deep the scars really are. (If I had spent my entire life doing every possible thing just to try to get love from my dad, my brain might work a little differently, too!) It sounds like this guy is a total *# but unfortunately he is still your FIL, and grandpa to your son.
I want to say one more time that I think counselling is the best thing for both of you... but couples counseling can be raw and uncomfortable at the very least. In the best of all possible worlds, each of you would have your own counselor for a period of time, and then all four people sit down together for the couples counseling process.
Here is a link to the website for The Seven Habits. On the right side of the screen there are links to all the seven habits. I promise you won't be disappointed! There are hints on how to have meaningful conversations, how to make deals that work for both parties, and most importantly, how to be the author of your own life!
https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits.php
You are in my thoughts & prayers! |
| crittergranny |
Posted - Apr 08 2012 : 9:55:29 PM
Oh sweetie I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes when a person goes through a traumatic thing in their life they stop growing emotionally and have to go back to that point and pick up. Maybe your husband is suffering from PTSD and also he is picking up where he left off with his family when he left home for the military. I mean he needs to figure out where and who he is now. I mean emotional shutdown like maybe in some aspects he is still 18. Sometimes one has to start at that point and grow up and grow past it. It was disrespectful of your inlaws to take your son out without a car seat with out asking your ok. Please do realize that folks of their generation didn't have carseats for their children and maybe didn't understand the importance of it, and don't make it an issue, its over. Just set some boundaries, firmly and lovingly, and don't worry about their reaction. However I must say that inviting your husband and your son and not you is ridiculous and I'm glad your hubby didn't go. Just remember that even though he was cranky he still did not go. I can understand how you and your husband may question whether his service was worth it and I just want to tell you all thankyou for your service to our country, and try to get him around some more folks who do, and stay positive. Hugs and admiration girl.
Laura
Horse poor in the boonies.
www.nmbarrelhorses.com |
| Valkyrie922 |
Posted - Apr 08 2012 : 9:06:48 PM
Wow what a complicated situation! It sounds like the counseling thing hasn't happened yet...
The thing about marriage is that it is meant to be a partnership between two people. No more. If you can have a good (or at least tolerable) relationship with your extended family, then that is just a bonus. But the marriage itself has got to be the PRIMARY relationship for you both. You do not have to give up loving and respecting your family, but you do have to have loyalty to make it work.
It's good that he came back; I am really happy to hear that -- Because I'm sure that it makes you feel better, too. But I guess I would be asking myself some hard questions at this point, like "Is my marriage important enough to me to swallow my pride and try to mend fences with my in-laws?" "If so, how can I open a dialog in a respectful but straightforward way?"
... like maybe buying them a car seat to have on hand? or maybe apologize that they felt disrespected by your reaction that day, but that although it came across as anger, it was really just fear for your only child's life/safety. If you do any of these things, REALLY REALLY TRY not to lose your cool, or it would just seem phony and possibly make things worse!
You have to remember that no matter how much you love your husband, you can not change him, but you MIGHT be able to change his reactions to you by tweaking your words and mannerisms. Try to think of a way to make this a win-win -- meaning that neither of you have to "lose" OR compromise. It's possible! (Check out The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People -- it's not just for business people!)
Email me any time! |
| Crystal Koelzer |
Posted - Apr 08 2012 : 8:13:04 PM
Thank you ladies for all your prayers and advice. Last week my husband and I went out and spent a good deal of time talking. He did move back home but we still have a long way to go. He has a few major issues to deal with and then we have issues as a couple to fix. Christine you are so right about the stress of military sep. It has been a very big deal for my husband. Right now he sees that nothing good has come out of it and he has wasted 8 years and that they ruined his life. And finding work and finding a house...there is so many things going on.
His family is a major, major issue right now. The big fight that sent my husband packing a few weeks ago was about his parents. My husband and son went to spend the day with his parents while I went shopping and his dad decided he wanted to go to town. They didn't have a carseat for my two year old and instead of just staying home took him out anyways. Well I was furious, livid. There was no emergency that sent them to town and nothing that couldn't have waited until I got back definitely nothing to put my sons life in danger not to mention break the law. So I went to their house to wait for the to get back. Didn't know what to do exactly since like I said initially his dad is mean and didn't want a confrontation. So when they got back I took my son put him in the car and went home, not saying a word to any of them. Well because I didn't say hi to my FIL when he tried talking to me I am never allowed to set foot on his property again. How dare I disrespect him like that! Good grief. And like Laura said it wasn't so much their stupidity that gets to me but my husbands reaction to it. First he came home demanding that I go over there and apologize to them. And even now after he moves back in is still not sticking up for me. Today they sent my husband a text wanting him and my son to come over for Easter. Not me of course. And my husband tells them yes. Tells me that I get to stay home on easter by myself because they want to see their grandson. Why can't he just tell his parents you take all of us or get none. So we had a big fight again today. And he didn't go to their house but did he tell them why because he doesn't want to make his dad mad. Afraid that if he draws that line in the sand all or nothing that his dad will say none.
So what am I to do?! If he even mentions them I am sick to my stomach. I don't know how to deal with them. I could give you pages of horrible things they have done to us or my husband. It is hard to understand why my husband still gives into all their demands.
Well that is where we are at right now. Thanks ladies for your ear. |
| Valkyrie922 |
Posted - Apr 08 2012 : 6:46:34 PM
There has been some really good advice posted on this thread for you Crystal. I can only say that with my husband and me, I really thought that the kids would be better off growing up without us together. He was very controlling and refused to listen to any of my concerns, even when he seemed to be listening.
Now that we are divorced, I know that it has been the right thing, despite the pain and heartache that I still go through, and I know my kids do too. He has settled down with a new wife and blended family, and they seem to get along on levels that he and I never could.
All I can really say is that I am praying for you, and that ongoing counselling and a relationship with God have been the most important factors in getting me through these tough times with a thread of sanity.
I will be praying for you and your family! |
| country_lovin |
Posted - Apr 07 2012 : 6:30:48 PM
I'm sorry. My prayers go out to you,your husband and your little one. |
| crittergranny |
Posted - Apr 07 2012 : 08:51:52 AM
My husband and I fought from time to time about his family through the years. We've been married 33 yrs with 4 grown children. I couldn't really word it to him for a long time but really the issue wasn't his family so much as how he would act around them. It always seemed that he would just revert to someone else around them. They smoke alot and they were very intemperate with their tv watching etc... and it was so different from how we were trying to raise our kids, or how I alone was is how it would feel when he was around them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it might help the two of you to really define your issues cause it sounds to me like you do ok alone but he might still need to grow up and cling to his wife first and the two of you establish your own values as a family. But I would encourage you and your child to try to build a relationship with your mother in law. It will pay off in the long run probably. Get some time with her away from the guys. I wish I could have with mine but the smoke was more than I could handle and since we didn't live close to them we would have to stay with them when we went to see them so we didn't go much. Now I grew up in a family that smokes but it was nothing like this, their house would just be filled with it all the time, and their car and everything. I wish it could have been different because I really like my mother in law. But its her choice, I'm not willing to risk my health to that extent. I really think that for you it might be that your hubby is trying to figure out where his place is between you and his parents. Be strong sweetie, I'm sorry you are going through this, marriage is a lot of work sometimes.
Laura
Horse poor in the boonies.
www.nmbarrelhorses.com |
| SpyChicken |
Posted - Mar 30 2012 : 06:40:11 AM
I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time, Crystal. It sounds like you've had some major stressors-e.g. the big move back from Germany, etc. Those things can certainly wreak havoc with your marriage! When my husband got out of the Navy after 6 years, it was a really rough adjustment for him and the stress of moving, his discharge, etc. caused us to separate (our dd was 18 mos at the time), but after a time things settled down and we both decided to give it another try...we're celebrating our 25th anniversary in June. Maybe if you both still love one another, you can work things out...I hope so. |
| rough start farmgirl |
Posted - Mar 27 2012 : 9:25:08 PM
Glad that you are feeling more hopeful.
Marianne |
| Tea Lady |
Posted - Mar 27 2012 : 4:44:40 PM
Ditto - more prayers coming your way.
Lorraine
(aka Tea Lady)
Farmgirl #1819
www.birdsandteas.com |
| countrymommy85 |
Posted - Mar 27 2012 : 1:47:18 PM
Praying for you!!!
Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee. ~Author Unknown
http://countryrenaissance.blogspot.com
http://www.etsy.com/shop/SunflowersAndHoney |
| Crystal Koelzer |
Posted - Mar 27 2012 : 06:19:00 AM
It is good to hear that so many others go through the same things. I have tried to explain that to my husband in the past when we fight over something but he just doesn't get it. Thinks everything is new and unique to us. I did get to talk to him a little last night and he does want us to figure things out. I am so thankful for that. Don't know what that will mean for us or how it will work.
I would like us to spend a few months apart except for dating and counseling. I am afraid if he came back home now that things would go back to the way they were but...if he is not here then he is with his parents.
Thank you Susan for reminding me what the military has for counseling. It had never been an 'option' for us before because my husband didn't want the military involved in our personal life. And being in Germany there was no other choices.
Now my husband is gone on a business trip with is father for the week. We will start talking again over the weekend. Maybe we will both have a plan in mind to proceed next time we talk. Thank you all so much. |
| laurentany |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 8:28:49 PM
Crystal, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Marriage is not always an easy thing. It is not uncommon for people to see things differently from one another, and as many of the other girls have said, when you have in-laws or parents that are "involve" it just makes everything more difficult. Time away is not necessarily a bad thing though. It will give you both the opportunity to think and realize what exactly it is about each other that you love. Of course your son, is the number one priority, and even if you can not make things work between the two of you, it is important to respect one another and be sure and put the best interest of your son first and foremost.
I will be praying for you, and for your husband. I pray that God shows you the path to take in your marriage.
Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
| SusanScarlet |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 5:57:26 PM
Crystal - I see that you had an APO address so that means that you or your husband is (or was) in the military. If he is still in the military, free counseling is available from a chaplain or through Tricare insurance. If he has separated from the military, free counseling is probably available from the VA. Free counseling is available from most churches and also available through community based social service agencies. If he won't go, go without him. Do it for yourself and your child. Keep us informed. |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 2:54:32 PM
Oh, Crystal, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Marriage is hard enough without having meddling parents and in-laws. I'm sorry they are making it so tough for you. I will definitely pray for you. We had gone through a very dark, bleak period, too, but God healed everything and we're happier and stronger than ever, so you just keep praying! No matter what happens, we're all here for you. If you ever need to "chat," please feel free to email me anytime, okay?
Big hugs -
Nini
(\_/)
(='.'=)
(") (")*
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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| Crystal Koelzer |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 12:19:12 PM
Thank you all. It helps just knowing that y'all are out there. Thanks for the suggestions, I do think the time apart will be good for us. I liked the date night suggestion, when my husband wants to talk again I will be suggesting it. This morning he came to get our son for the day. He left crying, I know that he is hurting and confused but it gave me hope, since he wasn't still fuming mad. Now I guess I will focus on me and what I want. What is my 'big picture'. Thank you all so much, it means a lot to me. |
