| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Canadian farmgirl |
Posted - Oct 22 2011 : 07:41:43 AM
I don't know what to do about this, so I thought I'd ask your advice, sisters. What do you do with a husband who used to shower daily when he went out to work, but now that he's retired, he's now dropped down to showering once a week before church?
I know that sometimes things like this can be a sign of depression, which does run in his family. I don't think it's that, though, I just think he's gotten lazy and doesn't care. But I do, and I don't think it's right that he goes all week without cleaning up, getting into my bed every night! I've tried the gentle approach, "you know, getting a shower makes you feel better, dear" and that does not work. Then I tried outright pointing it out to him, and he just got mad at me. Ugh, this morning, he just smells stale. Thank goodness it's church tomorrow!
Today he commented that I was up early this morning, and I said I had to get a shower, as you need to do that every so often!
I'm not a clean freak, don't get me wrong, but his reclining chair is getting a dirty mark where his head is, and I just don't know how to approach this problem! This guy is farming, and will come in from a day manure spreading, and not get cleaned up. Or sitting in the sale barn for a day, he comes back stinky (manure smell permeates everything) and I've told him he smells like the sale barn, but it doesn't work.
Any advice? This is a real turnoff!
Lori
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
| 15 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Canadian farmgirl |
Posted - Oct 27 2011 : 10:07:43 AM
Well, good news, I got him to shower last night! When I was leaving for work yesterday, I hugged him and gently mentioned that he might want to shower while I was at work last night, and maybe we could cuddle later. I then went out the door so he couldn't debate it with me, and hopefully it gave him something to think about throughout the day! When I got home, I could smell shampoo and my nice homemade soap so I knew he had cleaned up. He even said the hot water felt good after cutting wood all afternoon. I made sure to compliment his nice smelling hair later last night, too.
You are so right, every situation is different, and it's so good to ask on this forum for advice, since this is not something I can discuss with close friends and family. You have to be careful what you disclose in your marriage with people that know you. An unbiased opinion like I get here is very helpful.
I am carefully watching him for depression. His dad, brother and great uncle all had serious clinical depression. My husband is very aware of this, and even brags that he won't let it happen to him. He has been retired 10 years now, and it's only this fall that I've noticed him going 6-7 days between showers.
You are also right, when something's bugging you, you need to get it out in the open. I tried this in August, with a couple of things that were not sitting well with me. He has a temper, and so I wrote him a big letter of what was on my mind, since it's always been hard for me to assert myself with him, I'm the submissive wife most of the time (he's 10 years older and things always seem to get turned around on me when we have a "discussion"). Anyway, he was very angry with me, and it did not go well. I do not want to set him off again, so that's why I'm trying the gentle approach. Challenging him with an ultimatum may seem like the answer, but somehow I don't see this working in my favor in this case.
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
| Merry |
Posted - Oct 26 2011 : 9:30:45 PM
spray him with Febreeze....
Merry
Farmgirl #536
http://afarminmyheart.blogspot.com/
Your life is an occasion, rise to it. Mr. Magorium |
| Ruby V |
Posted - Oct 26 2011 : 7:33:56 PM
It is a tough situation for you. Maybe you could start coughing alot each night when he gets into bed and tell him you think you've developed an allergy to the manure? {laughing} Maybe talk to his dr. about it. My sister has the same exact thing going on with her hubby and he won't acknowledge there's a problem either. She's worried maybe he had a stoke or something, with this sudden change in hygiene habit.
You're probably right on his getting lazy and giving up caring since he's retired. My hubby's gotten that way about other things, now that he's retired. It can be frustrating for us gals though, trying to second-guess what's going thru our hubby's minds. I hope you can find a solution soon, hang in there!
{hugs}
Ruby |
| prariehawk |
Posted - Oct 26 2011 : 6:08:31 PM
This is a sign of clinical depression, when a person stops caring about their hygiene. Talk to his doctor, it sounds like he needs to be on some sort of medication. Winter is also a time when depression gets worse for some people. Depression isn't necessarily feeling "sad"--it's feeling nothing at all. And a person who doesn't care how others perceive his hygiene is a person who's feeling a lack.
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
| countrymommy85 |
Posted - Oct 26 2011 : 2:23:56 PM
It's easy to give advice without actually knowing you guys so all I will say is that if it bugs you then you have to speak up and be up front about it. Then if he doesn't take you seriously then give him a consequence or something. I wasn't comfortable doing that with my husband because I was always taught to be a submissive wife but there was some stuff that just bugged me that changed in my husband after we were married so I finally got the guts to tell him it really bugged me. He had no clue even though I hinted and even told him really nicely (he thought I was joking!). So I had to be up front. But again, its so hard to give someone advice like that without knowing them personally. I wish you the best of luck sister!!!
Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee. ~Author Unknown
http://countryrenaissance.blogspot.com
http://www.etsy.com/shop/SunflowersAndHoney |
| msdoolittle |
Posted - Oct 26 2011 : 10:36:29 AM
I can tell you that if I even thought of offering to take a shower with my husband, he'd be in there with a washrag in one hand and soap in the other! Lol!
But seriously, it does seem a little odd that one would not shower on a more regular basis. Then again, my husband used the same bath towel/washrag for a straight month (until it grew legs) before we were married. YUCK.
I dunno, my hubby is extremely sensitive about stuff like that, and if I even hinted that he was stinky, he'd be in the shower.
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - Oct 24 2011 : 09:19:09 AM
In my marriage, my husband and I have a type of light hearted ribbing between us and I know I could say pretty much anything I like. If it's as bad as you say I would carry the same ultimatum for him coming to the marriage bed at night as your refusal to feed him if he doesn't wash up for meals.
Without getting too graphic, my spouse and I like to snuggle and talk before going to sleep, and sometimes we like to do it in the buff; especially just after showers because our pores are open and the skin is softer, the back rubs and leg massages just feel that much nicer.
Because of this ritual, I don't anticipate any kind of a problem in the bathing department but if it came up, I'd tell him that he'll be rubbing his own legs and I will spend our quiet couple time with my face in my pillows instead. I don't ask much of him, he can spend 5 minutes in the shower with some body wash for my sake.
"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
http://silvermoonfarm.blogspot.com/
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
| Canadian farmgirl |
Posted - Oct 24 2011 : 07:35:13 AM
I'd better clarify something! He does wash his hands & arms, after a day of working. He wouldn't eat with dirty hands, and I wouldn't let him at the table, either! I'm just talking about showering. When a man works hard all day, there's only so much that a quick wash up can do.
I am seriously watching him for depression, and I have mentioned this problem of not cleaning up to our adult children. Sometimes they have more effect than me, they can joke with him, and the boys can say "Gosh dad, you stink" and he wouldn't get insulted like if it came from me. I never ever thought I would have this situation, though. When we were dating, he used to tell me, quite proudly, that he was always known as "the fussy one" of the kids, and his sisters have said that, too.
Saturday night I tried to get him to shower, but make it be his idea. I suggested that if he showered in the evening, he would feel good for bed, and we wouldn't be so rushed for church in the morning. He agreed, then an hour later said he'd shower in the morning! Aaaargh!
Oh well, here we are with another week ahead, have to see what the week brings...I do have him taking Vitamin D every day, as I know he gets the blues in the winter months. He seems to be in a pretty good mood today, so I don't want to start on him and be the nagging wife.
Lori
P.S. That was a funny comment about showering with him! I'd love to, and even suggested it a few months ago. He did not give me the reaction that I thought most men would.
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
| FarmDream |
Posted - Oct 23 2011 : 7:35:07 PM
Lori, he is suffering from depression. That's just the plain and simple of it. Another approach would be telling his doctor. If he's rolling around in the manure and not washing up, then it's a huge health hazard. He is risking serious infection if he has a cut or scrape and let's poo get in it. Sometimes we have to do things we don't like to do as a show of love and respect for our spouse. That includes bathing. I hope this can be resolved sooner rather than later.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
| oldbittyhen |
Posted - Oct 23 2011 : 6:20:00 PM
I'm with Rachel, I neverhad that problem, but if I did, he'd be sleeping in the barn, I would suggest having your husband sleep in another room, let him change his own sheets, he may realize how bad he smells, by the smell and discoloring of his sheets, good luck...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
| rksmith |
Posted - Oct 23 2011 : 6:13:30 PM
I tell mine he freaking stinks and I'm sick of smelling him. Then I tell him he can either get in the shower on his own or I can give him a scrub down with an sos pad and bleach and if he doesn't he can sleep outside. Egads, I don't know why guys sometimes think it's ok to just let things like that go. I wish I had a solution to that problem; if I find it I'll be glad to share.
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you are not willing to move your feet--Dr. Kioni
http://madame1313.wordpress.com/ |
| SusanScarlet |
Posted - Oct 22 2011 : 3:57:17 PM
I think being direct is the best policy. But use the "sandwich technique" - Good - bad - Good comments. "Honey, I love you but you need to take a shower every day because you smell and you're ruining your recliner. Would you like for me to get in the shower with you to wash your back?" |
| classygram |
Posted - Oct 22 2011 : 2:22:43 PM
Lori maybe approach him with you love him so much and just want him to take care of his self. That your not saying it to hurt him, but his personal care is important. Maybe what Bertha suggested might work, he'd see how the other gentlemen were taking care of themselves. I hope that you can get him to understand how it makes you feel. Sending prayers that he will know what you are saying is coming from love. Hugs,Brenda
http:///www.scatteredlittleblessings.blogspot.com
Seek reasons to Love..In every sigment of everyday-look for something that brings forth within you a feeling of Love-Abraham Hicks |
| Alee |
Posted - Oct 22 2011 : 09:51:48 AM
Oh Lori- That is such a tough situation. I hope you find a resolution for it. My heart goes out to you!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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| bertha |
Posted - Oct 22 2011 : 07:53:26 AM
Lorie This is really hard My hubby retired 2 yrs ago and hes seems to be adjusting pretty well but he has many hobbies and that keeps him going I really feel that men just about give up if they dont have something to do that makes them feel useful Maybe you could encourage hobbies and trying to find other retired couples to hang out with Im going to pray for both of you and maybe we could keep in touch Getting old is really a tough time but its worth the effort Farmgirl hugs Bert |
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