| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Annika |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 11:28:34 AM
Tomorrow we are heading up state to visit Andrew's parents, mom (87) and dad (93) and I'm praying for patience and strength! They are just like two obnoxious, cranky little children! They continually snipe and bicker, are hard of hearing and over-opinionated and throw hissy fits that you wouldn't believe! I can't say a darned thing!
While I can love them as family, they are hard to love as people. I have never been good enough for their youngest son. Since the beginning they have been hypercritical of me. For a while, when I was working and in great shape, they were ok with me. Not great, just ok.
But since my serious health problems began and I put on a bunch of weight and started to have vision problems, they are just been awful!
They constantly make snide weight remarks, tell fat jokes, etc.
I could blame it on their age, but I have plenty of elderly friends and none of them even come close! Andrew is totally blind and deaf to their behavior and will side with them in most arguments. So girls, I'm on my own! I need patience and a sweet calm spirit to go deal with them this weekend! Hoping that I don't stuff socks in their mouths the second we arrive! 
LOL! 
Sorry for the rant!
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| gracylfreebush |
Posted - Sep 25 2011 : 7:19:42 PM
When I married my in-laws were divorced. His Mom was a real piece of work. She had three daughters that she played against each other all the time and she just added me to the group of people she could manipulate. I am not easily manipulated so things turned ugly almost immediately. His Dad was never really mean to me at first but slowly he started telling me all the things I should be doing. He came by once while my DH was at work and really chewed me out for not being able to save more money while we were paying huge hospital bills on our very ill son. He then left for the airport. My DH came in from work shortly and I was crying. I told him what happened and he followed his Dad to the airport and told him if he ever spoke to me like that again he would never see any of us again. His Dad was very nice to me after that. Then a few years later his Mom attempted to take my middle daughter away from me because my older daughter had ADD and she assumed I was not taking good enough care of the middle one because she was "to quiet and sweet" to get my attention. We left her home and none of us have ever seen her again. She recently tried to contact my three daughter through Facebook (they are all in their 20's now)and followed up by saying "Don't tell your Mother I tried to contact you." Of course they all three told me. I am very glad my DH supported me and followed through. His Mother is the one that lost out know three very lovely young women.
Thoughts are things choose the good ones. |
| andwhathaveya |
Posted - Sep 23 2011 : 5:19:42 PM
I had a husband once that never stood up for me when his parents made fun. My MIL wore a red dress to our wedding. I should have known right then that we were gonna have problems.
Farmgirl #3468 |
| Annika |
Posted - Aug 30 2011 : 09:21:19 AM
Wow! Thank all of you so much for the support. I really really don't deal with bullying behavior at all well. I have had to learn to stop trying to please them and just be myself no matter what. While I don't consider myself a push over, I'm not an aggressive person by nature, unless it is a subject that I care very much about. I'm distancing myself emotionally from them and just being able to pull back and not give in to the urge to try to "make things right" and please them has helped.
I've talked to Andrew and he understands and is being very supportive. I went through much of the same relationship with my mother and he has lived with the aftermath of my messed up relation ship with her for all of these years. I'm not going to be a doormat anymore either! My attitude is to kill them with kindness but to keep them emotionally at arms length.
Big farmsister hugs to all of you and thank you so very much for sharing your own stories, they have meant a lot to me. Extra love and hugs to all of you with your own difficult situations.
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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| prayin granny |
Posted - Aug 30 2011 : 06:22:46 AM
Wow, 'preachin to the choir here', lol!
I have an 84 yr old mom who has been awful her whole life. Guess with todays terms it would be 'OCD and Narcissistic disorder'.
I keep the phone calls at a minimum and visits as well. She had surgery this summer and my DD had her at her house recouperating for 3 mos. Was sooo proud of my DD. She stood her ground as best as she could. Gma is back home now and we are all relieved she is!!
Hang in there! For all of us that struggle with just VERY mean and difficult family members, it is tough at times to keep that 'farmgirl smile'. All we can do is try oour farmgirl best!!!!
Have a good day, everyone!
Blessings, Linda
www.scatteredlittleblessings.blogspot.com
Country at Heart |
| countrymommy85 |
Posted - Aug 15 2011 : 10:46:27 AM
I know what you mean! I feel for you! It's hard when you see totally unacceptable behaviour from adults and not sure what to say. Instead of walking on egg shells I'm starting to stick up for myself and say 'hey I don't agree with that'. Depending on the situation of course but you shouldn't have to feel that way! You are married to their son so they can just get over it and leave the problem with them. Remember you don't have to accept that from them or anyone else :) I have to keep reminding myself of that because I'm tired of being a doormat. I was never like that before I got married and since being married I became a doormat because I am too nice of a person and I tried to keep the peace. Well I'm not the one with the problem, I'm not the one being obnoxious so therefore I just have to be my normal self and then I'm not being controlled by other peoples emotions. Reading the book "Boundaries in Marriage" helped me see that fact and my husband and I are listening to the original Boundaries book on audio right now and it's really good and helpful for situations like that! Those hissy fits are a form of manipulation and control on their part, you don't have to put up with it and you can disagree with it in a nice, respectful way even if they respond back poorly everyone needs boundaries! Best of luck to you!
Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee. ~Author Unknown
http://countryrenaissance.blogspot.com
http://www.etsy.com/shop/SunflowersAndHoney |
| Amie C. |
Posted - Aug 12 2011 : 1:35:02 PM
Glad you survived the trip, Annika. I feel for you because my in-laws bickered constantly too...very uncomfortable to be around.
Funny thing, my mil blamed everything that had ever gone wrong in her life on her husband...while he was alive, that is. The day he died, she canonized him as a saint. I don't know which was worse, having to watch them fight or then later having to watch her cry out to the heavens for his guidance every time she couldn't find something or couldn't get the lawnmower to start.
People are so weird. I'd just take these two as an example of how I don't want to be when I'm old. |
| Lieberkim |
Posted - Aug 12 2011 : 10:20:41 AM
Reading these posts has made me cry! Thank you all for sharing as you have. My own in-law situation is not a pleasant one. In fact it's gotten to the point where I refuse to have anything to do with them and I won't welcome them into my home for the sake of my own health. I'm DONE. For eight years I've gone through this and every time I tried to explain it to my husband what was happening I'd be told it wasn't there, I was foolish, he didn't believe me. Keep in mind I didn't attack his family when talking with him I just tried to explain what was happening. The blow up came at Christmas. They caused a LOT of trouble again, before we were to make the trip down there. This time he was furious and supposedly believing me. But once we got there I literally got left behind and ignored while he bowed to their every whim. He caved to them after everything we had talked about and decided on. He had even sought counsel with a pastor he respects and the pastor told him not to cave. That protecting his wife should be his first priority. As important as our extended family is they should come after our spouse and children. It was then that I realized he was never going to put me in the position of wife in his life. I'm the other woman apparantly, when I should be the only woman. We almost separated after Christmas. He needs to leave and cleave. I need to forgive. We've gone to some counselling and we're working on our marriage. Lord willing we'll be able to rescue or family (we have two precious children). I've told him I don't trust him and he's said I have good reason not to. He's very sorry for letting me down and wants to make it up. I want the marriage I always dreamed we could have. We're both working on it. But I understand the agony in-laws can bring into your life.
Heather I congratulate you and your husband on your priorities of spouse first. My parents have never done or said anything against my husband. They love him like a son. But if they ever had I'd let it fly. I even told my mom once that if they had ever said or done anything to cause him grief like that I'd cut ties with them. She replied that she knew that because I've always been so loyal to him. You two obviously understand leave and cleave. |
| walkinwalkoutcattle |
Posted - Aug 10 2011 : 2:33:26 PM
How was it?!
Farmgirl #2879 :)
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com
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| mickib |
Posted - Aug 10 2011 : 11:19:45 AM
Annika, I'm glad you survived and even had a bit of a good time with your mother in law. Here's to killing 'em with kindness! |
| Acelady02 |
Posted - Aug 10 2011 : 06:07:25 AM
I learned something from my Momma. You don't have to put yourself in those situations. I finally decided I didn't have to put myself in places I didn't want to be. My DH stepmom is so bad to him and me that I refuse to be around her. Jim has explained to his Dad that he loves him but will not take abuse from his wife. She has been married to my FIL for over 30 years and it just keeps getting worse. It may not work for everyone but I explained to DH that my peace of mind and our marriage is more important than she is...so he said he understood...so home I stay...hope you find peace in what ever you decide...I've been there it isn't easy. Prayers for you.
(((((Hugs All)))))Penny
Farmgirl Sister #3343
God gives Miracles to those who Believe, Courage to those with Faith, Hope to those who Dream, Love to those who Accept, & Forgiveness to those who Ask... |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Aug 09 2011 : 2:58:43 PM
It's probably too late now, you have probably been married too long to do anything else but what you are doing. So good for you for just sticking with it, and doing your part.
As for my husband, I can honestly say I don't think he seen it at first. As his parents treated him the same way-it wasn't just me they were picking on! He wasn't raised by them though, he was raised by his grandparents, so I don't think he knew how "parents" were supposed to be.
I seen my step grandparents constantly bash on my mom. I wasn't going to live my next 60 or so years like that (yeah my step grandparents lived to be 105! So 65 years with them! ACK!). That being said, I brought it up to my husband every time! And told him exactly the XYZ of what was wrong with what they had said/done. And why I was not going to be treated like that! Sometimes it was me sitting out in the car while he visited them! Sometimes he would get upset with me, but after thinking about it, he finally seen I was right about what I had said about them. After being married about 9 months, they took things too far one day, and I just laid down the law that HE would HAVE to do something about what they were doing and I told him word for word what to say. I knew their kind and I knew you had to say things a certain way or it wouldn't work. Thankfully he did, and that cut out a LOT of what they were doing. They still would test him/us sometimes though.
We lived halfway across country from my parents so he didn't have to deal with them much. However, twice my mother in visits treated him badly. The second time, I was dead serious with my mom and told her we would be leaving and we would not be returning. That I would NOT tolerate her treating my husband in such a way. That I would not tolerate being treated that way by his parents, and he would not be treated that way by mine. She knew I was serious. She apologized and promised to never do it again. I tossed and turned in bed each night for a long time as to weather to give her another chance or not. My husband said it was up to me, he would go again if I wanted to, however, he would not be tolerate her treatment either, and that if we went he would just stay at a hotel or something. Any way...I decided she was my mother and we would give her one more chance. Boy was I nervous, truly I didn't know if she would change or not. It's been about 8 years and she has never done it again! NEVER! She's been good to my husband ever since. Even talks him up to other people (compliments him, goes on and on about what a good guy he is, etc).
His parents still like to backslide to see if they will get by with it. About 2 years ago we were in the car with DMIL and she started screaming at me, literally screaming trying to "fight" with me. Where there is no wood there's no fire, so I wouldn't say anything (cause if I did.......holy cow who knows what I would of said! lol) so I just kept my lips sealed, tightly and she kept on and on. Finally, my husband turned the car around, drove in front of her house and stopped. She looked at him and said what is going on, what are you doing? He said, I'm taking you home. Get out! (we were supposed to be taking her shopping). She said aren't you taking me to the mall, you said you would. He said not today, get out! She said, why I never! And just went on and on about how hurt she was. He told her she couldn't talk to his wife that way, and now she would be getting out and he would see her later! Things never went that far again! She got the point. Lately she has been super sweet too, and in fact after that day she hasn't tried as much to be so crazy again!
However, on the other hand, I think if you let things go too long then you just have to make do and your marriage should always be the most important thing. So if you choose to put up with it, then do what you have to do. I just would recommend putting down the rules early! And sticking by them.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| Annika |
Posted - Aug 09 2011 : 08:16:52 AM
Well, I survived the dreaded trip and am back home again. I didn't drink myself silly or resort to violence, though I did have to grit my teeth a lot to listen to their non-stop bickering for hours on end. The basket of goodies and a bouquet of pretty flowers seemed to sweeten them up to me quiet a bit and I actually had a pretty good time talking and laughing with ma-in-law Saturday. Killing them with kindness seems to do the trick.
The drive up was pretty and the drive back, through all of the varied landscape of north Idaho was incredible
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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| melody |
Posted - Aug 09 2011 : 08:03:22 AM
Why put yourself through that mental anguish? If your husband wants to go- He can go all by himself.
Stay home....
Melody
Farmgirl #525 |
| Lady Woodworker |
Posted - Aug 08 2011 : 7:48:50 PM
You're hilarious FarmDream--
Annika, I feel for you. Too bad they are so hard to be around.
I have some family like that--some better, some worse.
I pray you'll get through it and, if you can't--
then I pray that you'll find the strength to walk out and drive the car home, leaving your husband there.
Sometimes drawing a line in the sand is just what a bunch of dysfunctionals like that need...
Hugs!
Karen
Farmgirl Sister # 2419 |
| FarmDream |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 7:24:44 PM
I think you should watch a few episodes of Dynasty and Gone With the Wind before you go. There are certain lady-like ways to get your point across without saying cuss words. There's the good ole back handed compliments. "I gained weight so people wouldn't see all those ugly old people wrinkles." "Don't you hate how it smells like a mausoleum here?" "I just loved my grandmother..she was so sweet and nice. Nothing like you. Funny how people are so different." And the best Southern girl compliment with a big fat smile..."Bless your heart."
But if you just have to be a good girl, then I pray the weekend goes fast! ...maybe some nice bran muffins for them...lol
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
| embchicken |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 5:04:15 PM
Only the good die young (kidding) I will say a prayer for you - it will be tough visit by the sound of it.
~ Elaine
Farmgirl sister #2822
"Find yourself a cup of tea; the teapot is behind you. Now tell me about hundreds of things." ~Saki
http://embchicken.blogspot.com
http://gusandtrudy.blogspot.com
http://embchicken-thechubbychicken.blogspot.com |
| Annika |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 4:14:39 PM
LOL! Nini~ you can always set me off with the giggles!!! That is hilarious! We do many things for family that we wouldn't do for anyone else. Like putting up with tantrum tossing, name calling elderly in laws. I'll live through it  but not without ranting!
HUGS!
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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| mickib |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 3:58:33 PM
Good luck Annika. Family can be so darn difficult. |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 3:58:07 PM
Annika - my husband never stands up for me with his family, either. But he says that's because I can verbally and intellectually "take them." Gee, thanks, but I still feel left to the wolves. I've just learned to be comfortable in my own skin, to smile and be polite, and, as an extreme measure, I take a laxative before the time comes to go visit so I can stay home! LOL! After all, it's much better having self-induced stomach cramps than getting them from his family! (I AM ABSOLUTELY JUST KIDDING!). I still don't think it's right that he holds back in "covering" me where his family is concerned, but it's always a tough thing with family - in your case, especially parents; especially AGING parents. I know he loves me and respects me. I can deal. You're doing the right thing, you're a great person. I'm standing by my recommendation: just keep their mouths full! LOL!
(Psst... Remember: laaaaax-a-tiiiives....) ;)
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
www.papercraftingwithnini.myctmh.com
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| Annika |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 3:44:16 PM
True, but I'm not alone here, many, many people have obnoxious family members that they have to deal with. I am glad that Andrew has time to visit his parents and relax. So I will just play deaf and ignore them when they are being unkind. Andrew does love me and stands up for me in all other aspects of our lives and that is what truly matters.
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 3:09:36 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Farmer Judy
What ever happened to :leaving your parents and clinging to your spouse" when you get married. I've always been told the pecking order in our lives should be #1 God, #2 Spouse #3 Our kids, #4 the rest of the family and friends.
Hear hear.
"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
http://silvermoonfarm.blogspot.com/
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
| MrsRooster |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 2:48:04 PM
My SIL treats me like crap and my hubby won't say anything. It makes it worse since we live here. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, as we may be moving.
Anyhoo, my prayers are with you. I have scars on the insides of my lips from biting them. LOL
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
www.morganicinstitute.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
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| oldbittyhen |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 2:27:04 PM
I agree with Betty, would never go somewhere, where I was not welcome, and where my husband did nothing to protect me from HIS parents, would not happen...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
| Farmer Judy |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 2:10:37 PM
What ever happened to :leaving your parents and clinging to your spouse" when you get married. I've always been told the pecking order in our lives should be #1 God, #2 Spouse #3 Our kids, #4 the rest of the family and friends. I've taken care of both my parents till they died with a husband and kids and then my MIL moved in and we had her at the house until she flipped out one day and she went to a nursing home. She was picking on my youngest and being very mean, he was 10 with aspergers and it really hurt to see it happen. My DH agreed with me that it would never happen again.
Keep a stiff upper lip and keep telling yourself that they are a sandwich short of a picnic and it may be easier to swallow.
Judy
Born a city girl but a farm girl at heart!
http://farmtimes.blogspot.com/ |
| craftystranger |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 1:28:39 PM
Annika love your idea. You can also bring a book on tape that requires earphones.... Oh and you just can not put it down because it is just "so" good!! I will be sending you calming vibes, Barbara
Don't forget to laugh! |
