| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| missusprim |
Posted - Jul 04 2011 : 2:01:44 PM
Kind of jumbled but I'll do my best. It's hard to put into words and I just can't get to a good place with this.
Our 5 year anniversary is coming up at the end of this month. We both have had previous difficult marriages (his lasted 12 years) yet know that this marriage is our 'forever' marriage now. I want this to be special as I didn't honor special landmarks in my previous marriage of 17 years. In fact, other than going out to eat to celebrate our anniversary, and one unplanned weekend vacation to Kentucky - that was it. So for me, I want my marriage with my now current DH to be that much more special.
And this leads to my dilemma in regards to my DH's previous marriage: He had annual family portraits - we don't. He helped put up the Christmas tree and decorate the house in his previous marriage - he doesn't help doing that with me. They've gone to professional baseball games, we have not. I feel cheated that she got what I think of as the good years and the effort from him but he's just too tired to put forth much of anything for me.
So.....I can't help comparing and am having a very hard time with differences with his past and with our marriage - and wondering why I feel this way. And how can I enjoy this anniversary if they've already had those 'special times' and his doing something with me would be kind of the same?
I'm just struggling with this, and I'm not even sure if I've expressed myself in a clear way. I'll admit to having a hard time with his past but I can't understand why the effort is not there when what he tells me seems so polar opposite.
And I guess the biggest crux of this is that even though he said he never 'loved' her - but strove to - he still did those special things that say 'family' with her. So why then, if he says he loves me, does he not do those things with me?
Farmgirl Sister #2984
"Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms." George Eliot
http://farmchicatheart.blogspot.com/
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| 21 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| camiesmommy |
Posted - Aug 02 2011 : 2:27:06 PM
I have to agree with Ingrid about bring baggage to our marriages. At the same time, everything that has happened in our lives makes us the person we are today. The two of you found each other for a reason. Personally, no one would make me change what was important to me because they didn't like it. That's not being true to yourself and will sooner or later end in resentment. What's important is that you talk it out. Start new traditions are add on to previous ones. If he knows how you feel and you stay true to yourself, he'll come around.
A.J.
Work is love made visible. ~ Kahlil Gibran |
| Farmer Judy |
Posted - Jul 25 2011 : 08:50:34 AM
Glad to hear you have broken the ice and are talking, Everything in life has some compromise involved.
Judy
Born a city girl but a farm girl at heart! |
| missusprim |
Posted - Jul 22 2011 : 2:49:45 PM
Last few days we've had bits and pieces of discussions about 'us'. I understand more clearly now why he is not much of a holiday man. Partly it's work and partly it's his past with both his parents and the ex. I thought a fair solution would be to not put up a tree at Christmas but to celebrate 'that time of year' with an overnight stay at a B & B and a possible small gift for one another after the dreaded holidays are over.......say in early January. I'll still decorate the house with the winter theme, but no Christmas tree.
He countered by telling me that he'd try to be better this year and to see how it goes. I'm not going to hold my breath but I am going to enjoy that time of year with winter time decorations, baking, etc. This way if it doesn't happen - I'll at least enjoy that part of it that I've created.
He agreed that I have every right to expect involvement from him where our anniversary planning is involved. We discussed a few ideas that might work. I even left open on the coffee table an article of a lighthouse B & B that we'd both looked at a week or so ago for him to 'see' and refresh his memory with on his day off. When I got home from work it didn't look touched. Who knows......but I'm hoping!
I am hopeful and feel we've gotten some things out in the open and given each other some food for thought.
Farmgirl Sister #2984
"Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms." George Eliot
http://farmchicatheart.blogspot.com/
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| Sharon Denise |
Posted - Jul 21 2011 : 12:05:03 PM
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! I can absolutely relate. I was married for 8 years and my husband was married for even longer. We were both miserable. We both feel we got "bait and switched," if that makes sense. We didn't marry the people we thought we did. In his case, they definitely went through all the motions and made a big show to everyone how perfect their marriage was but in fact, it was horrible. His ex is definitely the type to send old cards to me and has tried to undermine us using her son (who lives with us) even though she claims to be happily remarried to someone else. Everyone was shocked when they split except a few who really knew the score. For him, all of that "Leave it to Beaver" stuff is a sham and it took him awhile to feel comfortable and trust that our traditions were for ourselves, not for others. It's not about keeping up appearances, it's about strengthening your relationship by doing things together. Even if he's being completely open and honest with you, he himself might not really know why he feels the way he feels. I agree with others that's he's comfortable with you and doesn't feel he has to "prove" anything, and he doesn't understand that you don't want proof for yourself or others, you just want to share cherished activities with him. If you can talk with him about why you love him and why you want to do these things with him--that you know he loves you no matter what--I hope that he will come around. It's so important to have traditions together, even if they don't look exactly like your ideal. Best of luck to you both!
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning."
~Louis L'Amour |
| Farmer Judy |
Posted - Jul 21 2011 : 11:05:42 AM
This is my third marriage and my husbands second. We always thought we had all the bumps in the road cleared and this should be happy and easy but it never is. I became an instant step mother to a three year old who did not want to "share" her dad. One thing led to another and my DD did not stop anything. We have been married now for almost 19 years and it did take some work. We both had habits learned from our previous marriages than needed tweeking. We took the time to talk, a lot. We now still have some of those kinds of conversations, especially when I finish his sentences. We only had one family picture taken, went on a couple camping trips and that is pretty much that for stuff outside the house. We do Christmas and Easter eggs, 4th of July bbq and celebrate each person's birthday with what they would like for dinner. BTW, I also gave birth to 2 boys (15, 13). My step daughter is now considered my daughter too and she now calls me mom and when she turned 18 she moved into our house. The biggest thing we talked about is how to make each other happy, quiet nights reading together, trips to Starbuck etc. We have our time and we have our hobbies that the other one appreciates. We have family movie nights and sometimes just family time spent weeding in the garden. It's up to you what will float your boat. Just remember to talk about "what will make each of you happier" not what one or the other isn't doing. Good luck and God bless.
Born a city girl but a farm girl at heart! |
| walkinwalkoutcattle |
Posted - Jul 17 2011 : 4:58:52 PM
I know how you feel. The only good advice I can give you is to try and think of things you two do that are all your own. You've got him now, and that's special-he was willing to try it again, with you, because you're so wonderful!
I would definitely try to compromise with things and try and have him go a little outside his box, and you go a little outside yours. And I think your idea of writing things down is GREAT. :) Let us know what happens!
Farmgirl #2879 :)
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com
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| missusprim |
Posted - Jul 07 2011 : 6:47:11 PM
DH and I spent some nice alone time yesterday afternoon. I didn't want to spoil the mood but touched on a few of the things that's been bothering me. I'm horrible at articulating what I'm thinking or feeling and always seem to 'think of things' long after the fact........and yesterday was no different. I asked why he didn't get into the decorating of Christmas, etc. and he replied that "we've been over this already but I will make every effort to change that." What my focus SHOULD have been on was not what he wasn't doing - but more on what I need and WHY.
We talked about what we'd like to do for our anniversary and tried hard to meet halfway. In other words, a combo of something he'd like to do and something I'd like to do. I think we have some viable ideas.
Holly you didn't offend me with your faith at all. People come from all walks of life and I'm happy that you're fulfilled and happy - spiritually or otherwise.
I can truly relate to the concept of having to be the first in all things. If I had a dime for every time I wondered if he had 'already done something like this' with her. It can really consume a person and in many ways ruin many aspects of a marriage. But I find myself doing it constantly. I know it's not good and DH has reiterated to me countless times that he never thinks of these things unless I bring it up.
Your comment about missing the traditions like decorating Easter eggs, Christmas trees, etc. made me realize that this was something my previous husband did not do with me either. In a way this would explain why I want THIS husband to do these things with me. In other words, my previous marriage didn't feel like a marriage - where this one does. Therefore, I want to do the things that people do in REAL marriages. Hope I'm making sense.....but I feel like I might be getting somewhere!
I am considering writing some questions and points down to help me stay focused on what it is I'm trying to convey to him when we do talk. It is so easy for me to get sidetracked!
Farmgirl Sister #2984
"Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms." George Eliot
http://farmchicatheart.blogspot.com/
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| HollyG |
Posted - Jul 06 2011 : 6:45:06 PM
Oh, how similar our stories sound. This is my first marriage and his second. I had no idea the baggage involved in being the second wife. I have what I call the second wife syndrome - I must be better than the first in all things. To his credit, he provides no feedback, but it is always lurking under my surface. To be perfectly honest, I was also the other woman (before I surrendered my life to Christ and changed my life.) That, in itself, brought about baggage dealing with his two kids and their mom's bitterness. To my credit, I will say I was not the reason for their problems, or even the divorce - I just gave him a reason to leave after all those years.
However, he has kids with her and we have no children. So, all the holiday stuff he's already done and, at this point in his life, isn't worried whether we have a Christmas tree or dye Easter eggs. I miss the family traditions - game nights, movie nights, discussion nights, and holiday traditions we shared as a family. I love him dearly, but he doesn't exhibit the characteristics I always thought I'd find in a husband. You know, the flowers and cards kinda guy.
I also read Chapman's Five Love Languages. It helped me understand how he shows me love - and when I respond to him in a way he understands, it does bridge that gap. Now, my love tank stays a bit low from time to time - and I do have to put my foot down and demand some "Holly Time" and most of the time, it works. I have had to quit depending on him to fill my happiness quota. That is something I rely on the Lord to do. (Hope I don't offend you by saying that, but my faith is what has kept me married 17 1/2 years.)
Whatever you do, don't act rashly. If he's anything like my husband, he's absolutely CLUELESS to how bad he's screwed up and what you really need. I hate I don't have better advice for you, but know you aren't alone. It take time to work through baggage that heavy. We've been together 20 years and we are still working through things. I'll keep you in my prayers - and if you get any great answers, please pass them my way...I could use a few myself!
HollyG
Farmgirl #2513
www.mydeepwoodslife.com |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Jul 06 2011 : 09:41:50 AM
Yes exactly Jen. He knows that scripture, but that and what was played out in front of him by his grandparents (he was raised by his grandparents) are two different things. Don't get me wrong they really raised a good man, gentleman, but him feeling that freedom with me took about 5 years. I don't suggest this for anyone to make their marriage better, but it really did seem me having our first child kind of like released the cuffs sort of speak. I mean things changed dramatically for the better! Most marriages it's the opposite. I have to say it kind of scared me at first, and I just had to know what was up. He didn't tell me thought till about a year ago, that it was his upbringing and feeling "guilty" even though he knew intellectually he shouldn't have it was still there. Cause I tried and tried to get him to express to me what was wrong, with things like holding hands in public. I just didn't get it. He would do those things if we were visiting my parents, I guess cause my parents also held hands and such. But, if we were any where near his parents or grandparents, he would be VERY hands off. (again i'm not talking about being crude, and disgusting, I'm just talking about being anywhere near where I was, holding hands, smile at the other, etc.)
Like I said though as soon as he found out I was pregnant (which happened about 3 months before our 5th anniversary) things just swung the other way. And literally I was like what? But, I say for now things are much better and have been for a while. I however, have never held back my feelings from him in communication. I have never felt like we could move forward if I kept it to myself and I didn't feel it was fair for me to hold it in and then get resentful if he didn't even have a fair chance to know what was wrong.
I have to say though at the same time it has taken me a while to change myself as well! lol haha It finally clicked though, I guess he thinks since we have children together now it's acceptable to be together, and people wouldn't judge. It also may be that people don't question we are adults now either. I have to say we were not terribly young when we got married, but young enough where that combined with our looks people thought we were kids, and not adults. Literally once at Red Lobster they brought us crayons and coloring books, when we went there with his parents.....We are both extremely short, and have "young" faces. I think most people recognize we are adults now though, well we don't get crayons and coloring books any more when we go out at least! But, well even a few weeks ago, at a restaurant the owner thought we were "baby" sitting, and said something to us about what we were saying to our 4 year old DD, and we said, well she is our, and the owner kind of leaned back and said but you two aren't old enough to have a DD her age .....what you're 15? And we were like um.......try 35......and the owner was serious she just looked shocked. And it's not just restaurants, we have had hotels tell us they can't rent to minors, etc, and really really inspect our IDs! So I think that had some to do with it too.
Karen, I know what you meant, not heading for the big D, but just want the marriage to improve to what you want out of it. I know what you mean exactly! Just keep chipping away at it and being honest and straight forward with your husband and I think it will come around.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| missusprim |
Posted - Jul 06 2011 : 09:08:19 AM
I didn't mean to imply that we're on the road to the big 'D' - just a rut that might be harder and harder to get out of unless we can clear the air. I can say with utmost certainty that DH and I feel we will never part. We've both brought different communication skills (and faults, too) that we've blended to a workable level. Both have learned to leave our bad skills and learn the good skills from one another.
What wise, wise words from you all! We've got the day off today so I hope to broach the subject and see what happens.
I'll try to address everything that I can.
Yes, if I made an appointment to get our pictures taken he would go. He's too nice of a guy to say 'no' - and yes, I see the correlation between his not being able to say to me and why he didn't say no to her. lol A light bulb moment for sure. Okay, I know I should've seen this a long time ago so be easy on me.....I'm getting there.
He also told me a long time ago that he did a lot of things for and with her because he wanted her to love him and he was hoping she'd come around. But she never did. But to hear someone on here say this (a fellow woman) floored me. Not in a bad way - but a good way!
I guess I am a different person in that I wouldn't have even tried - or faked it - about how I feel. I stopped loving my ex very early on and never bought cards for him that professed love for him - they were more on the side of humorous cards. The only cards I kept during that marriage were ones that my kids gave me. So I do wonder why she kept the ones he gave her? Sure makes me wonder..... And why 'give' them to her son to bring to our house - what on earth was she trying to accomplish? And how very immature if she had a sinister plan behind it.
I like the idea of a small getaway but unless our work schedules allow for it - we'll have to plan it for early next month. I desperately want some 'disconnect to reconnect' time (I think I'll now refer to that as DTR time!). I'm excited to plan a little something, and hope that he gets into as much as I do. But I know, too, that I have to be fair in that men most times just aren't planners as women generally are by nature.
I also want new traditions that are unique to us. I've had several but again - we've only talked about them.
Our backgrounds are rather different. He had (still has) very religious parents who expressed little affection towards one another. His father is very overbearing and dominating which played a big part in their marriage and played out via religion. So much so that DH has not spoken to them in about 8 years. I have never seen or spoke to them. I gotta say this feels a little odd knowing that I have in laws that are little over an hour from us.....
My upbringing was a Leave it to Beaver environment. My parents openly and frequently expressed affection. I always feel and felt loved and had a wonderful childhood growing up in the country. Their communication was open and they discussed things if it became a problem.
Farmgirl Sister #2984
"Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms." George Eliot
http://farmchicatheart.blogspot.com/
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| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - Jul 06 2011 : 06:47:41 AM
Heather: This is the passage that specifically talks about what you are referring to. Maybe your hubby will find it useful as a reminder?
1 Corinthians 7:1
Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
http://silvermoonfarm.blogspot.com/
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
| FieldsofThyme |
Posted - Jul 06 2011 : 06:03:41 AM
Karen, can you plan a weekend getaway or a date? For example, find an event or location that you'd like to do or visit, and ask him to keep the date reserved?
We are in a second marriage and a blended one. We have had to cancel camping twice, which is our "disconnect to reconnect" together. We used to think that we were being cheated out of huge vacations, but we enjoy camping together, because it's secluded.
Maybe you could figure out what rejuvenates the both of you. You could start small with an event, move it up to a day long event and then over nighters. Maybe he just needs nudged into "having fun" again.
Hope this helps. Hugs!
Farmgirl #800
http://pioneerwomanatheart.blogspot.com/
http://scrapreusedandrecycledartprojects.blogspot.com/
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| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Jul 05 2011 : 10:27:58 PM
Communication is so important. As long as things are not a personal attack on the other person in a marriage both people should feel freedom to express their needs in a respectful loving way.
I ditto finding your own traditions. I know I like for my husband and I to write letters to each other and such. Sometimes even just a phone call from work is nice as well. My husband is not a romantic either! lol
My husband and I have strong convictions about staying married unless there is scriptural grounds for divorce. So while we had our ups and downs in the beginning neither of us thought of leaving the marriage. At the same time, sometimes I felt so lonely at first. I know we are our own people and you and your husband are your own people. But, oddly enough for us the five year mark is when I felt we finally hit our stride. Our marriage got soooooo much better. The first year was the hardest by far. I kept on telling him what I needed as a wife that he wasn't giving. I understand he was raised by grandparents who didn't love each other. His grandmother had a baby by another man, and then tricked his grandfather into marrying her. They didn't even share a bedroom. He really didn't know how to show love for a wife. He had no siblings, so he didn't know how to "share" either. He was a nice guy....but to live with as husband and wife, it was so different. I think hanging around my parents kind of opened him up. He wasn't used to being around a married couple who loved each other! And showed it at all! I'm not talking about being all over each other, but just holding hands, or smiling at the other, or joking with the other. His grandparents will hardly sit in the same room with each other! If they do it's always snide remarks back and forth about how lazy one is, or something another all the time, always bitter biting. Never, I am appreciative that she made dinner for me tonight-thanks for the nice dinner honey, or I'm so glad he takes me to the doctor when I need to go-thanks for finding me a good diabetic dr, etc. Nothing even close! UHG. I love his grandparents one on one but having to be around them together is kind of sad, and well a real downer! He is always shocked at how my parents are around each other.
Any way...I'm not sure about your husband because I don't know him or what he feels/thinks. But, also one thing my husband just shared recently with me, is he didn't feel free with me, because of his raising being so prudent that he always felt guilty for being with me. (trying to keep this clean! lol) I was raised a christian as well, but also raised that God approved of marital relations between husband and wife, and they should be "free" with each other. But, he said that really held him back for the first few years, till he let go of some of that. But, he said that took a while for him to let those old thoughts die, and truly take things correctly about marriage....husband and wife stuff. Any way...just a few things I know that influenced my husband, and it has gotten much better for us! MUCH!
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - Jul 05 2011 : 1:05:55 PM
This sounds to me like a communication issue. Sitting in your husbands seat (based only on what you've said): You have not stated why they were married or why they divorced. If it was truly loveless, he must have either married her because she was pregnant, or because he figured she was the best he'd ever do for some reason and assumed he'd grow to love her. If its the first one, those traditions and acts were probably carried on for the sake of trying to make things work for the kids, and the gestures were not filled with love. If the latter is true, he likely performed those acts in an attempt to convince her, and himself that they had a good marriage, hoping that if he did all the right things, and made romantic overtures, he would either set himself up to fall in love with her, or hoped that she would become more loving toward him to grow mutual affection.
In his marriage to you, his love and affection is already there, he doesn't have to force it along.
In terms of gardening, your relationship is like a native plant that flourishes with just a little water and sunshine, whereas his old marriage was fragile and doomed from the start. He had to force it to germinate, he had to lock it away in a climate controlled greenhouse, stake up the stalk, water it 3 times a day with filtered water, monitor the soil PH and give it a full diet of plant food.... then the thing STILL shriveled and died.
He is probably burned out on gardening. To him it seems like the effort does not match the yield, and probably, because you flourish so well, he's starting to neglect your soil or water. Your roots are getting close to the surface.
You need compost.
The best way to make sure you get what you need is to change the game. The gestures he made to his ex were empty and meant nothing. He knows your love is not dependent on those things. However, you still need to express to him what you need to feel loved.
If your wants are irreconcilable, you will have to compromise, but I suggest you deeply examine wheather you really want these gestures because they make you feel loved? or because you want to keep your "score" above his ex wife's. You need to be judging the quality of this relationship on it's own merit. If this is really "forever" then you need to treat it like "the only", because if you're thinking in the framework of it being just "the second" then its a short sideways step from "the third".
I recommend checking out a book called "Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman. There is some material on his website at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/, and you can probably get the book from the library or buy it used on Amazon. It's a faith based book, but pinpointing the "love language" of your own, and your spouse, will help resolve a lot of the conflicts that arise from not feeling loved. Most couples that are in love tell their partner every day, it just may not be in a way that their spouse "hears" love.
"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
http://silvermoonfarm.blogspot.com/
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
| SusanScarlet |
Posted - Jul 05 2011 : 12:10:57 PM
Could it be that his ex-wife actually planned/did all these things and he didn't really put forth the effort but just went along with it? Maybe he just participated before, not really being a part of the preparation/planning. For example, if you made an appointment for a photo session, would he go? If you purchased tickets for a ballgame, would he go? When he sees how much this means to you and how much fun ya'll have, perhaps he'll get a little more involved and put forth some effort. |
| Ingrid |
Posted - Jul 05 2011 : 07:49:02 AM
I was married before and the one thing I know without a shadow of doubt we bring from a previous marriage is emotional BAGGAGE. Here is a different perspective for you. Your feelings are important and should not be ignored. However, even though your husband previously did the "family" things to keep his marriage going is it possible that his ex wife never considered it enough and so because of that he is scared to try and that keeps his heart somewhat safe. Whether he loved or didn't love his ex wife is really unimportant, he is with you and she is his past. Please just sit down and talk because I am betting there are things that he thinks he is missing as well but doesn't know how to express.
Give thanks to yourself everyday for all the wonderful things you do! |
| adnama |
Posted - Jul 04 2011 : 8:31:10 PM
Whoa this is kick butt time, if you have truely told him in the clearest way possible, what it is you want, the next question to him is WHY he can't step up and provide it. Hey, we all got issues in our lives and a times they are not comfortable. What your asking is not much, and it reads to me as what he's offering is not much. Tell him to man up and come clean this is what I want... why or when can you give this to me. I gave you 17 years of being, 17 years of love, this little bit is nothing and yet everything to me. this should not be a am I risking everything feeling for you, it should be a "I'm being a shelfish clod" to him and yes this is being shelfish if he knows that this is what it would take to make a difference to you. Hey the song two outa three at bad should not be the anthame to your relationship. As long as what your asking is in his ability to give, it is not wrong to belive that it is right for you to ask. |
| missusprim |
Posted - Jul 04 2011 : 8:04:45 PM
Oye. Cards. That's a rough one for us. Shortly after we married, my stepson (thanks to DH's ex) brought cards to our house that DH had given her back when they were married. Of course I came across them and the idiot that I am - read a few. So now I no longer wish to receive cards from him and I don't. I can understand giving cards to someone in the beginning when you were hopeful, but why would you give cards to someone you no longer love year after year, holiday after holiday and for so many years?
As for his son and his ex - they created a living h*ll the first 3 1/2 years that DH and I were together and nearly sapped the life out of us and our marriage. Only recently in the last year and a half has it settled down. Oddly, that is when he's drifted into a couch potato state mentality both literally and figuratively speaking as well as (I feel) emotionally. I am rather scared of where we're going.
As for Christmas, this year the tree will remain in the barn. I refuse to go through the heartache of wanting to decorate our house into a festive place when it is only me that wants it. Each year it became worse and last year was my last.
Interesting point of view where he may think of portraits and such as negative feelings and memories he associates with her. I never looked at it that way. But DANG it, I'd like one, too!
I will speak to him in the next day or two. I don't want this to continue. I will mention my need to enjoy holidays WITH him, but try and find a way to meet halfway within his comfort level. However, some aspects of our talk will lead into dangerous territory and I'm hesitant to bring it up. I feel so silly about this whole thing, at my age, but also for having the feelings I do about it all. It's just SO hard to let go of.
Farmgirl Sister #2984
"Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms." George Eliot
http://farmchicatheart.blogspot.com/
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| FarmDream |
Posted - Jul 04 2011 : 7:30:13 PM
I agree with the forming new traditions, totally unique to you both as a couple. I can see that he probably associates all those "good" years and activities as reminders of the past.
In my life, my husband and I don't celebrate Christmas, for our own reasons. So our tradition is to eat Chinese food and watch foreign films.
My husband is also not a cards and flowers type of guy. We did have one talk where he said, "I'm just not a cards and flowers kind of guy." I returned with, "But I'm a cards and flowers kind of girl." He says that's the moment it clicked for him that it wasn't about him and what he liked. He has since made sure that I receive flowers and cards every couple of months.
You should talk with your husband and let him know that traditions and special occasions are important to you and a way he can show his love for you. Let him make suggestions of new traditions he might like. Instead of decorating for Christmas, maybe a yearly trip. I hope you find peace with this.
Julie
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
| Alee |
Posted - Jul 04 2011 : 4:23:23 PM
Maybe it is because he didn't truly love the other lady and tried so hard to prove love through actions. Have you explained to him that even though you know he loves you that you would like some special outings as well? That is so frustrating! My husband is totally unromantic too. A special night out is a foriegn concept to him :(
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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| embchicken |
Posted - Jul 04 2011 : 2:36:50 PM
Hi Karen~ First I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. please remember it doesn't matter if what you are feeling is "right" or "wrong". They are your feelings and should be respected as such.
Maybe he associates family portraits and all that with his past. Maybe that makes him uncomfortable. You should ask him. If that is the case then you will need to find things to do that are "new" to the both of you. Make your own traditions. Whatever the case I think that you should really talk to him and see what the problem is. Let him know you kinda feel "second class". I bet he doesn't even realize it. Whatever you do I wish the best for you!
~ Elaine
Farmgirl sister #2822
"Find yourself a cup of tea; the teapot is behind you. Now tell me about hundreds of things." ~Saki
http://embchicken.blogspot.com
http://gusandtrudy.blogspot.com |
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