| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| woolgirl |
Posted - Jun 25 2011 : 4:59:53 PM
My sister was visiting from out of state this weekend. Our relationship has been pretty rocky for the past few years, and things have just started to turn around lately. Well, we are two very different people. I am pefectly content to stay home on a Friday night, cooking and crafting, and going to bed early. She is not. So last night she went out with some people she kind of knows, but not really, and didn't come home until this morning. Mind you, this is a married woman with children in her 30's. Am I the only one who thinks this is unacceptable behavior? My husband tried telling me that I am the one that is the odd one out, since I am such a domesticated homebody, but I know I am not the only one, right?
Liz
Farmgirl #1947
www.militaryfarmgirl.blogspot.com |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| coaloha |
Posted - Aug 11 2011 : 08:12:59 AM
Liz, It agree that it sounds like you were hurt by your sister's behavior. It seems like family members can hurt us most of all....they do know where our buttons are. One thing that I have learned the hard way is that I am only responsible for myself and I have adopted a "live and let let" policy with my family. I can't control anyone else's behavior (and trust me, I have tried and failed!), so for my own peace of mind I try to stay out of their business unless they specifically ask me for something.
And that said, I am a homebody too....you are far from alone in your preference for a quieter life. I don't understand how people can stay out and socialize into the wee hours, but then that's just not who I am.
I hope that in time your relationship with your sister can grow to be one of joy and not distress.
Pam
Pam Barnes-Palty
Phoenix, AZ
Farmgirl #1075
Be distracted by joy |
| Bear5 |
Posted - Aug 02 2011 : 8:36:16 PM
Liz: You must/have to be feeling a bit hurt. I'd want my sister to spend time with me, too. Was she visiting you for sister time or what? I would ask her. I feel sad for you, Liz. I'll keep you in my prayers. Keep us posted.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
| farmmilkmama |
Posted - Aug 02 2011 : 7:00:29 PM
Elizabeth - your sister sounds like my sister. They'd probably be best friends. My sister thinks I'm a freak and constantly asks me if I'm planning to join the Amish community. She thinks I have no life because I homeschool and bake bread and get up at 5 am. We have always had a tough relationship but, like you said, I try not to be judgmental and still do things with her, but it often ends up like you described. SO. VERY. FRUSTRATING! We are both in our 30s and have kids, hers are 2 and 4, mine are 7 and 8. She would be happy to go out partying every night if she could. I've often wondered how to keep up a relationship with someone so incredibly different. Well, not because we are different, but because its obvious we don't support the choices the other is making.
I think everyone here has made it clear that if you're the odd one out because of what you choose to do, we're more than happy to join up as the odd ones out WITH you! Hang on, girl! Be YOU!!
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
| FarmDream |
Posted - Aug 02 2011 : 6:30:52 PM
After reading the subsequent posts I'm wondering if she wasn't meeting someone she met online and using you as her alibi. You stated she was supposed to arrive on wednesday but stopped off somewhere and then stayed out all night the other night. You also stated you're not sure who she would know since y'all aren't from there. I tend to be overly suspicious about odd behaviors like that. Not trying to upset you.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
| camiesmommy |
Posted - Aug 02 2011 : 2:13:59 PM
Liz, I'm 55 and have been a homebody all my life. Part of what's wrong with these younger generations is that they want instant gratification and don't want to take responsibility.
I learned a personal lesson 3 years ago when I got laid off from my job, because my bosses new girlfriend saw me as a threat. I was angry for a long time, until I realized that I can only control my actions. I can not control what people do to me. That being said, I can sleep well at night knowing I'm the person that God wants me to be.
Set your boundries (it's your house), and it's okay to say "I love you, but I don't like your lifestyle."
A.J.
Work is love made visible. ~ Kahlil Gibran |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Jul 16 2011 : 10:00:53 PM
Liz,
I am more disappointed for you that your sister gave up the precious opportunity to spend quality time with you and your little one during her visit than worried about what she was out doing instead. However, something must be going on in her personal/homelife that she's engaging in such risky behavior. I hope she sorts it out for her sake.
As for being content at home, count me in. You know what's a fun weekend for me? Cooking, gardening and crafting all weekend with my husband and daughters and maybe sneaking in a viewing of The Sound of Music for the 400th time!! And when we do go out, it's to take the girls to museums, parks, the zoo, the science center or our nearby Botanical Gardens for the day.
Oh, and when I do have time for the occasional "Girls' Day Out" with friends, we go to lunch and then usually wind up at craft/fabric store together!
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Jul 16 2011 : 6:35:10 PM
Your sister needs help. What she did doesn't sound to me like a one-off thing. Did she stay with you specifically so she could go out all night with these "friends" (or was it just one "friend"?) because she knew she couldn't get away with it at home? If so, then she used you (and then abused you with her rudeness for good measure.) This just doesn't sound right to me. It's too bad you don't have a more open, intimate relationship because it sounds to me as if she needs to unload about something. She seems headed for a terrible fall. |
| missusprim |
Posted - Jul 12 2011 : 08:00:34 AM
Embrace who you are as your own person, and let her be who she wants to be. However, that doesn't mean that she should have the freedom to come to your home for a visit and shove her 'ways' down your throat and make you uncomfortable in YOUR space. If she wants to live this lifestyle in her home - that's her choice. If you don't think she gets the concept that you aren't kosher with her being out all night, sleeping off her hangover (or otherwise) than spending quality time with you - then you've got every right to bring it to her attention. Your house, your rules. And if she's causing you to be worried (and I believe you have every RIGHT to be concerned) then she needs to know. She can have the good times on her own time and in her own home. If she's using her visits with you as her outlet to let her hair down and her 'outings' and the recovery thereof are robbing most of your quality time with her.......then discuss this with her and set down some boundaries. I'm sure you can compromise.
That said, I'm concerned with the part of her being married and with two young kids part. Although I'm of the same mind as you are in wanting to be a homebody and stay home with a good book or a good craft project - I respect the fact that there are people who would rather enjoy themselves in other ways. Nothing wrong with that, as long as it's clean fun and of no harm to anyone else. By that I mean that she's not stepping out on her husband, or setting a bad example to her two young kids, or taking advantage of her sister's hospitality when she visits, and is just plain going too far in the fun department.
Farmgirl Sister #2984
"Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms." George Eliot
http://farmchicatheart.blogspot.com/
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| WinsomeWench |
Posted - Jul 11 2011 : 11:54:53 PM
I'm afraid I don't have any advice. I, too, am a homebody, and there is a long list of things my sisters do that I think is rude or offensive. I'm just glad we aren't kids anymore and I can just live my own life! Anyway, just wanted to assure you, it's not just you ;)
“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” |
| Lorraine Michelle |
Posted - Jun 28 2011 : 08:20:01 AM
bin there done that. you can only be responsible for your self. there are many days when my self and my husband just shake our heads at things that certain family members do. just be happy she is your sister and it is not your husband doing this. you can't lead any one's life just your own.
good luck
LorraineMichelle
Farmgirl #3007
Chickens are like potato chips...
You can't have just one! |
| peafarm |
Posted - Jun 27 2011 : 10:20:14 PM
Actually, you might be the odd one out. I would be just like you and I found out that I am definitely the odd one. It was incredibly hard to parent a kid thru high school when the other parents message was definitely "make sure you have a designated driver" or "drinking at home is ok, just don't leave." My son was the only one with an enforced curfew ... and the only one of his friends without an underage (I personally think the two are related). Those were some rough years!
Penny
www.444Farm.com |
| Cherime |
Posted - Jun 27 2011 : 1:38:19 PM
I am on you side here. She is exhibiting very risky behavior.
CMF |
| woolgirl |
Posted - Jun 27 2011 : 12:14:47 PM
Well, I think it has taken him a while to realize that again Jen, but I think he is coming around to it! :)
Liz
Farmgirl #1947
www.militaryfarmgirl.blogspot.com |
| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - Jun 27 2011 : 11:27:32 AM
I'm sure he loves who you are too Elizabeth! :D
"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
| Heartbroken farmgirl |
Posted - Jun 27 2011 : 11:25:16 AM
Liz,
I have a sister two years younger. We are both in our 30's. For years, even while both married, we loved a night on the town. My sister is still go, go, go. While growing up sad to say, she wad the family baby, last grandbaby, all the way around favorite. We both used to go out. Even when my kids were born, o still went out for all nighters... Then both of us wound up divorced. I met my second husband, spent two years still going out, and then four years finishing up raising my DH. Honestly, my little sister, is still single, and still go, go, go. While I was remarried, with three kids at the time, and still go, go, go. It wasn't until I found my *nitch*, the crafting, gardening, baking, reading, positive hobbies, that I settled down. As a parent, everything is about the kids, *me time* is needed. When you're married, the focus is on your spouse. That's a good thing, but there are times you still need to do something that is just for you, as a person, not as a wife or mother. I hadn't discovered the joy, or relaxation of doing these things as my *me time*. Old habbits die hard. If you are odd, so are all the rest of us, cuz we've learned to focus these energies on productive passtimes. Normal is overrated anyway, right.
When my sister comes to visit, she wants to go, go, go still. I feel dragged around by the ankle, she just doesn't see it. I don't think she is selfish in her mind, she's just using it as a vacation, and having fun her way, the only way she knows. we are all different. Life would be so boring if we weren't. If your sister were to make plans to come again, could you tell her that last visit, you missed her, and didn't feel like you got to spend enough time together? Discuss and set a few projects like Nini mentioned in stone, so when she arrives, there is a game plan? Maybe the exposure to what keeps us "homebodies" at home, will spark her interest, and give her a new outlet?
I am sorry this last visit was a bit hurtful for you. I'm sure it was harder still, as you mentioned you already have a strained relationship. Keep trying, sisters are amazing to have, and if any rifts can be mended, different as you both are, they are such a blessing. Hugs to you
The tears I shed then, watered the flowers I harvest now.
www.broken908.blogspot.com
http://forums.familyfriendpoems.com/broken908
"The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts but of values."-Dean William Ralph Inge |
| woolgirl |
Posted - Jun 26 2011 : 07:11:02 AM
I am the same way Alee, not to mention leaving Rosemary with somebody else...that still gives me anxiety.
I am trying not to be judgemental with how she lives her life, because I am sure that she thinks the way I live is odd. I am just more upset that she came and all she did was either sleep or go out. She was supposed to be here Wednesday night, but she stopped somewhere and didn't get here until Thrusday morning. I had class I couldn't skip Thursday, and when I got home she slept a few hours past that. We went out to eat, did a little shopping, then we came home and she went to bed again. Then Friday night she went out again, slept all day Saturday, then went home Saturday night. I am not sure who she knows here. We are not from here. This is where my husband is stationed, I am from MN and that is where my sister still lives, so it is not like she is visiting old friends.
Maybe next time I will just have to lay out a more decisive "plan" of what we are going to do. I don't know. She said all she wanted to do was can and learn to knot, which we did neither of. Sad.
You are so right Diane, that is why I love this forum. It reaffirms that there are other people in this world who are content to make a good dinner, work on a crafting project for a while, and snuggle in with a good book or a movie. After she left last night I worked on some granny sqaures and watched Pollyanna. I told my husband I like who I am, and he kinda chuckled at me. It's true though! I love me!
Liz
Farmgirl #1947
www.militaryfarmgirl.blogspot.com |
| Alee |
Posted - Jun 26 2011 : 05:56:14 AM
I would think it rude if someone who was visiting didn't...you know...visit! Like you said- you are not a hotel. Now if a person had been staying for a week and wanted a night on the town by themselves- sure that wouldn't bother me so much. I am so sorry your sister behaved this way. It's sad and disappointing.
I love staying in and wouldn't mind a night at the movies or something a little more frequently but the thought of paying daycare and then at least $20 just to see a movie gives me heartburn most of the time!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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| Fiddlehead Farm |
Posted - Jun 26 2011 : 05:27:59 AM
Liz,
I am with you on this one. I have two sisters and we are not alike at all. Both of my sisters have done exactly the same thing as yours. I feel it is rude and selfish of them. Then again, I am content with being a home body. I feel it is more fulfilling than going out and blowing money in bars and feeling like crap the next day. Been there, done that. That is why I love this forum so much. There are so many like minded women to connect with. Even my friends that I have here don't understand. If your sister wants to come and visit, that is what she should do, not use you and your home as a crash pad. Maybe if you send her a little card that says something like: I am so glad that you came, but am a little dissapointed that we couldn't spend much time together. Next time you come I would love to be able to chat and watch some movies and just hang out.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
I ask not for a larger garden, but for finer seeds.
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
| levisgrammy |
Posted - Jun 26 2011 : 05:07:18 AM
Personally, I think if she was a guest in your home I would be more upset about her rudeness in leaving to go anywhere while visiting you. Especially if you were watching her small children for her while she was out. It is one thing to do as she pleases, she is old enough to make her own decisions whether agreeable or not but it is the height of rudeness and disrespect for time with you that would really bother me. By all means let her know how you feel and let her know that if she is coming to your home it is because you want her there and want to spend time with her. How would she feel if she came to visit and you left her there to do whatever you wanted and spent no time with her? Where are the social graces practiced anymore??
farmgirl sister#43
O, a trouble's a ton or a trouble's an ounce,
Or a trouble is what you make it!
And it isn't the fact that you're hurt that counts,
But only--how did you take it?
--Edmund C. Vance.
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| sissarge |
Posted - Jun 25 2011 : 8:36:07 PM
Elizabeth, I have to agree with Angie, if your lifestyle is not the norm, then I could be included in this group. I love being at home, working on projects(too numerous to count) I like being in bed around 10:30 and getting up about 6:00. Feeding animals, breakfast, working outside till the sun is too hot, then inside preparing lunch and dinner( I do this so I can be back out around 5:30 and not have to worry about cooking) then, I can go in the craft room, or wash clothes, fold and put away. I love being home and taking care of hubby and getting stuff done. I certainly understand not everyone feels this same way, I have a friend, who goes, nuts if she doesn't get out everyday. Her house and yard and children shows that she does not take homemaking serious. but I accept her and she accepts me. Often at night I go into the craft room to work around and my hubby will come with his lap top, and reads me the latest news about people we know, and whats in the news, I love our evenings like this+ I get so much more done, while he just reads and we discuss things. I don't have a sister, so I can't relate to that, but you are not the only one! Thanks for listening
Farmgirl #946 Linda |
| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - Jun 25 2011 : 8:16:00 PM
At the very least she didn't bring anyone you didn't know into your house.... thank heaven for small favors, right?
I had a house guest once who invited a guy she met on myspace.... someone SHE didn't even know(!) and let them into my apartment when I wasn't there... ugh.
I really don't understand people who think friday night is for getting trashed either >_< My idea of a night out with friends involves bible studies... food... group crafts... or better yet, in with netflix and some cookies.
"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Jun 25 2011 : 7:20:39 PM
Oh... I just read your post - we must've crossed. She really should be more sensitive to your feelings. Maybe you could just tell her you were really looking forward to spending some down time together - just the two of you - and ask her to stay home with you tonight, or get up with you to make a big breakfast together in the morning. Let her know that you need time with her. It sounds like she really doesn't understand that at all. She does sound a bit selfish, self-centered and irresponsible - I hear you. But you really can't change her, Liz. Maybe at the very least if she knows you really long to spend time with her, she'll make time for you while she's with you. How sad. I can imagine how you're feeling. I feel so bad... Hugs, Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
www.papercraftingwithnini.myctmh.com
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| emsmommy5 |
Posted - Jun 25 2011 : 7:15:58 PM
Well. If your lifestyle is not the norm... then we'd be great friends. Because I would not approve of what she did. AND.... i too would rather stay home and putter around working on one of the 127 projects I have going on at any given time. =)
If we are not the norm. Then we should be.
Do what you love, love what you do. |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Jun 25 2011 : 7:15:39 PM
Liz, my sister and I are completely different, too. Over the years, I've accepted that she'll always see it her way: she's perfect, I'm imperfect. But I'm happy, and that's all that matters. :) We're just different, and in my book that's okay. We always have been different. You are not "odd" at all - you are you, and you're comfortable in your own skin; that is SUCH a blessing! All of us are created with differences - that's what makes the world such an interesting and exciting place! You can't change her, and you shouldn't change yourself. Likewise, you should never be measured by your sister's standards... And it wouldn't be fair to measure her by by yours, either. You are both different, important and special in your own way - that's how God intended you to be! Just don't feel you have to measure up to anyone. If you are truly happy within your own skin, that's all that matters. And don't let anyone else tell you otherwise! :)
As far as your concerns about how she lives her life - I get that, I do. But it's her life to lead - you can't change her. Praying for her is a good thing, definitely. Inviting her to share in some of your interests might be fun - she might even like it! But if she doesn't, you should not feel offended. Likewise, she should be understanding when you don't want to join in some of the things that she does. The main thing is to try and find something that keeps you connected - looking at old photos, rummaging through old school papers, talking about fun times you've shared, and planning for some new ones. It's not always easy - my sister and I struggle, too, sometimes. But with a lot of love, patience and time, things truly can get better.
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
www.papercraftingwithnini.myctmh.com
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| woolgirl |
Posted - Jun 25 2011 : 6:41:47 PM
No, SHE is married and in her 30's. Her kids are 3 and 6. What made me more upset is that she was here visiting me, and she went out with this people she only knows through other people and has never met. She is my older sister, and sometimes I feel like I am the one who has to be more responsible. She went out at 7 last night and didn't come home until 7 this morning. And then she slept her hangover off and drove the 7 hours home, so we didn't even really see each other on this visit. I go out of the way to make my guests comfortable, and she treats me like I am a hotel. Then wakes up and asks what I am making her for breakfast, and goes back to sleep. I don't expect her to do anything but maybe have a nice visit.
I don't know, maybe I am too much of a recluse. I just am happy being home with my family. I guess that is not the norm anymore.
Liz
Farmgirl #1947
www.militaryfarmgirl.blogspot.com |
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