| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| KayB |
Posted - Apr 27 2011 : 09:00:35 AM
I just found out my oldest daughter's son is in big trouble in the school he attends on the Army post his stepfather is stationed at. It is really serious. How did I find out? My youngest daughter and Facebook. My younger daughter told me and then later I went on Facebook and started reading my older daughter's stuff. You would not believe the stuff she has posted on there!! She goes on to tell everyone all about her son and that her mom (me) is bipolar and schzoid and will not face it. I was a neglectful mother and never paid attention to any of my children. She also said how much she misses her "daddy" which was her stepfather and she told me after he died that he constantly molested her.
I am heartbroken, upset, and somewhat mad about this. I joined the Army when she was 11 and was not always around and did not have a clue what her "daddy" was doing. She had accused him once before and we found out it was because he did something to cross her and she was "going to make him pay".
I have yet to discuss this with her. I don't know what to say. I have spoken with co-workers, friends, and DH and they all say they don't see what she is talking about. DH and my friends tell me I tend to stress out, but that I am far from being mentally ill. What do I do? I also know if I confront her, that will be the end of what little contact I am allowed with her kids. They live in Georgia and this trouble is bad enough that they could lose their on-post housing. One of her friends said to either beat his a-- or send him to Oklahoma, which is where I live. If she feels this way, I don't want him and DH will wash his hands of the whole thing.
Any advice, ladies? HELP!!!!
Life's a dance you learn as you go
Farmgirl Sister #2351 |
| 16 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| prariehawk |
Posted - May 02 2011 : 5:20:19 PM
I would like to add a different perspective to this. I have no doubt that she's a drama queen and has some sort of need for attention, but I know from my own experience that there are things my parents did to me that they have no memory of. I was a very sensitive child and things that seemed unimportant to them affected me deeply, and left some scars. It took me a long time to realize that my parents really have no memory of some of the traumatic things that happened to me. I've since forgiven them, they're only human and not perfect. I know I've disappointed them at times. We are all complex human beings and can never really know how another person feels or perceives an event. It's immature for her to blame someone else, but realistically, that's a lesson we have to learn at some point, some later than others. I guess the key is forgiveness. I hope this makes sense. It's impossible to go through life without hurting the people we love. And the people closest to us are the ones who hurt us the most. You think Jesus wasn't hurt when Peter claimed not to know him? But he forgave and I think that's the secret to self-peace. Forgiving doesn't let the other person off the hook--it lets you off the hook. And there's nothing that can compare with a peaceful mind.
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
| LeighErica |
Posted - May 02 2011 : 4:56:41 PM
Thinking and praying for you...I can truly feel the depth of your sadness and frustration. I would suggest you step back and let the whole episode play out with their situation on the post. It will do no good for you to become involved in that because the military will handle that according to their housing/base rules. As for the accusation, you know in your heart what is true and what is not. Sometimes when we try to explain our past and make others (your daughter) understand...it just doesn't work...and you have to be of strong will to just say what is honestly on your heart and let it all be. Your relationship is so strained with your daughter..once you have explained once and only once what you were doing during her childhood, then that is it. I see alot of woman and men not taking responsiblity for their lives and blaming their parents, their childhood, etc. Alot of us had really bad childhoods, mine included, but I grew up, and began to live my own life and was able to have a better relationship with my parents because I established the boundaries. Do I blame them for everything that has gone awry in my life....no, I am an adult and if something goes bad..I deal with it. Your daughter will need to realize this on her own, and she may never acknowledge the part she has played in her son's carelessness....but that is not your fault!!!!! It sounds like you are a loving, caring woman who did the best that she could raising her children with what she had at the time... don't be ashamed of that.....it made you who you are today. As for the FB commentary she has done, there is nothing you can do about that either...except drop her from your friends list or delete your account. It sounds like she uses FB as a tool to gain support for her life....alot of people do that all the while hurting others in the process....that is a sticky subject for me anyway, because I think technology has steered us away from having healthy one on one relationships...now it seems all our convos happen through that portal. It is refreshing to talk with others face to face and write letters and send cards, but that is another story:) Anyway, I wish I had better advice...and I hope I have not offended you in anyway...that was not my intent. Please get help if you need too....if you are stressed and overwhelmed with emotion because of this situation, talk to someone....even a friend....it will make all the difference in the world....Big Hugs, Erica |
| walkinwalkoutcattle |
Posted - May 02 2011 : 08:57:33 AM
I hope everything is starting to get better for you and your family!
Farmgirl #2879 :)
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com
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| rksmith |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 6:54:33 PM
Kay, I thought of this quote by one of my favorite people (the awesome Dr. Seuss) "Those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind" So, those who love you and know you won't pay any attention to the nonsense--you have their love and support. Ignore the drama and I hope for you that it all blows over soon. Find your peace.
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you are not willing to move your feet--Dr. Kioni
http://www.mynsp.com/rksmith
http://madame1313.wordpress.com/ |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 4:06:57 PM
Kay, I am so sorry I have not posted here but I cannot think of a thing to say that would help. I can just pray. I hope y'all can work things out.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
| Fiddlehead Farm |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 2:42:30 PM
Kay,
She is using you as a scape-goat. Please don't take it to heart and blame yourself. There are only so many things that we can control and other people is not one of them. Sometimes I think that facebook is evil. Many people are hurt by it. Sometimes I wish it wasn't around at all. I use it to connect with MJF girls and my daughter. A lot of times I just feel like closing my account. Maybe you could do that and just disconnect from it all for awhile.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
Happy to be a "Raggedy Ann" in a Barbie World!
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
| OwnSelf |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 09:59:47 AM
*hug*
I'm really sorry this is happening to you.
I think sometimes people create a story for their lives that she can live with. If she sees the situation as you abandoning her, maybe she has decided in some way that she would rather believe that you had a mental health problem instead of that you abandoned her willingly. (I am NOT saying you abandoned her - just saying this is how 11 year old her took it.)
If this were me and I were thinking of confronting her, I wouldn't do so until I had talked to a counselor. I think this is the sort of stuff you should role-play first so you get comfortable hearing yourself say what you want to say. Perhaps you could even get her to go to the counselor with you, but I know distance could create a problem there.
Take care - Sarah
Let go or be dragged |
| CMac |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 09:00:21 AM
Kay, I know how hurtful this feels. I have the same with my oldest son. He is an alcoholic and blames me for all his problems. Just try to remember that anyone that knows you knows better. Any one that knows her questions what she says. Any one that believes it is as dysfunctional as she is so what do you care what they think?
I'm not sure I would confront her. Why kick a hornets nest?
I'm also not sure I would allow a troubled teenager that I don't know well into my home. Do some research into the situation first if it comes to that. Go and spend some time with him there if you have to. I would not do it without becoming his legal guardian. If you are not he is a direct tie to your daughter and all the chaos and drama she will bring to the situation. One caution on that is that you are then legally responsible for the trouble he gets into. Real sticky wicket that is.
I'm praying for all of you.
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
| Cherime |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 08:25:03 AM
This one brings back memories. My oldest daughter will not speak to me or her sister and brother as we are all horrible people. She says that her Dad abused her and also accused me of the same thing. Since I know that I did not do that it made it really difficult to know what to or how much of what to believe. Especially difficult since her Dad is a liar and drunk and has no idea what is truth and what is fiction. I have little contact with my grand kids and great grand kids due to this and pray for her all the time that the Lord will open her eyes. Other than that I can do little else. I have some contact with the kids through Facebook but am careful to send the messages only so that Mom won't realize that I am having minimal contact with them. My daughter does have some contact with my sister and that is about it. I have made a conscious decision to leave it all in God's most capable hands. Praying for you that all will come round in His good time.
CMF |
| walkinwalkoutcattle |
Posted - Apr 28 2011 : 04:58:11 AM
Right. Many people do these sort of things for the sole purpose of attention. Pay no mind. I'd say you weren't told of it because so many people are wisening up to her drama-mongering ways-they don't really care about it anymore.
I'd just live your life and ignore the drama! Be the bigger person and rise above it. Pray for her and let it be.
Farmgirl #2879 :)
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com
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| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - Apr 27 2011 : 9:51:07 PM
I'm a firm believer that people who selfishly alienate people reap what they sow when they look around and realize that they are lonely, or there's no one there to pick up after them. I doubt her kids are in any danger of being turned over to foster care (which I feel is the only time a grandparent should step in,) and I don't think you have anything to worry about.
Since she's such a drama monger, I'm sure it's no more than half as bad as she wrote it up to be for the benefit of her "facebook audience", so again, you have nothing to worry about.
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
| Alee |
Posted - Apr 27 2011 : 9:16:48 PM
Kay- I have to agree. It sounds like she is stirring up drama. Maybe out of hurt from her her past, but that is also her problem to deal with. Unfortunatly as much as we would love to heal the hurts of those around us- they have to want that help and it doesn't sound like she is ready for that. If she does call wanting help I would be inclined to let the kids come for an extended stay- maybe you could be a stabilizing influence in their lives?
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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| KayB |
Posted - Apr 27 2011 : 7:50:22 PM
Oh, yeah, she did say this on Facebook and I am on her friends list. Usually she just goes on and on about her younger son who is so perfect according to her. She never mentions her daughter or the son who is in trouble. I think I'll take a big breath, a small glass of wine, and just pray over it. But it just hurt so bad to see this out in public for everyone to see. When she was growing up, all of her friends liked me, so maybe that was a problem for her, too.
Thanks for the advice, ladies. I really needed it.
KayB
Life's a dance you learn as you go
Farmgirl Sister #2351 |
| oldbittyhen |
Posted - Apr 27 2011 : 7:34:29 PM
but then, maybe the best place for her kids (your Grandkids) is safe and sound with you, sometimes good kids do bad things to get anyone/someone to notice how bad their life is, and hope that someone will save them...your daughter has issues, and needs professional help, do what you should do, and help the kids... |
| rksmith |
Posted - Apr 27 2011 : 5:58:35 PM
I agree with Dusky Beauty--this is her problem not yours. You shouldn't have to raise her child (besides that if you were really such a horrible mom why would she want you to have her child, even if she can't handle him?)It does sound like she's an overboard dramaqueen who thrives on keeping it all stirred up. As hard as it is, just let it roll. Don't let yourself get all worked up over it --you'll stress yourself way too much and just feed into her drama craving. I'd say that if she does approach you about keeping her son (or anything else for that matter) tell her no. Personally I'd ask her why would she want the help of a neglectful, bipolar schizophrenic who was such a bad mother? (but that's just me)
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you are not willing to move your feet--Dr. Kioni
http://www.mynsp.com/rksmith
http://madame1313.wordpress.com/ |
| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - Apr 27 2011 : 5:21:56 PM
Well, firstly, the problem with her son is hers to handle. She raised a kid that made the decisions to get in that kind of trouble, so in my opinion you can and should wash your hands of it, it's neither your fault, or your problem and it sounds like she could use the learning experience of putting on her mom pants and cleaning it up.
If she tries to pawn him off on you, he's not your child to raise.
Sounds like your daughter thrives on the drama and probably makes up these stories so people feel sorry for her. I'm not sure what the best way is to confront it, or if you even should, but I definitely think the next time she asks you for a favor you ask her to take down the untrue and hurtful things she has said about you on facebook first. If she argues that it IS true, you can certainly point out that the army has not, and never has been in the business of keeping schizophrenics enlisted.
How did you see all this anyway? Tell me that she is not stupid enough to say things like that about her mother while her MOTHER is on her friendslist? If that's the case she's asking to be confronted.
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
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