| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Mar 16 2011 : 07:57:56 AM
My father was born in 1924, and I was a child born of his second marriage...in 1973. He spent a lot of years as a single man after his divorce in the early 50's, met my mom in 1971, who was then 23 years old.
By all accounts, my father married because like many other young men going to WWII, he thought he might not come back. He did, though the marriage wasn't a good one--they divorced in 1950 or so. They had 2 daughters. One who died in 1946 in Chicago of which I only learned about a few weeks ago) and the other born in 1948 (incidentally, the same year as my mother), named Brenda, who I've always known, visited from time to time when we traveled to Arkansas, but have never really been very close to. Mainly because there is a 40 odd year age difference, and also because, well, she's a bit of a dodgy type, sadly, and always has been. My father was never happy with many of her decisions, and they had a somewhat strained relationship, though he always loved her and came through for her. She was an alcoholic, a drug user, ran around with lots of men, that sort of thing. Many summers, we took her children and provided for them for the school year. She would often only send them with one outfit for the whole summer.
The last time I saw Brenda was at my father's funeral in 1994. We got a long fine, but I noted she was very interested in telling old stories about Daddy and her mother--that's normal, I guess. Some of which weren't very flattering to either of them, and she showed very little regard to my mother.
Later,she began contacting me via email and talking about my father and HER mothers' marriage, how my dad divorced her mom on their 10th anniversary ("that's how mean he was") how cruel he was to Verna (her mom), etc...that my mom was a midlife crisis marriage. She also told me a lot of things that my father had NEVER mentioned about his life. Hurtful, hateful things. So, I blocked her emails. I'd also learned through her communication that her children stopped speaking to her, so that told me something about "who" she was as a person--but I was still so stunned by her admissions that I never said, "boo". It appeared she resented me for my life with my father. My dad was a sort of "leave it in the box" kind of man, spoke very little of things in the past, but did say more than once when I was dating a very possessive, abusive boyfriend, "you don't want to go down this road. I was married to someone like this and it's pure he**. They demean you every turn, and in the end, you can't even look at yourself in the mirror!" He was right, incidentally.
A few weeks ago, I got an update that an entry for my father's family tree had been updated from Ancestry.com. I'd never worked on my fathers, but did a few other family lines. There is a ton of cross referencing, so I thought I'd check it out. My half sister, Brenda, has done all this family research, but conveniently, the family line stops with my father's death. There is no mention of me, my mother--my marriage, my child. It's like we don't exist, though I am her half sibling by blood relation. When I went back to look at it again, I had been "blocked".
So, with all that I know about this person, why do I feel so left out? I can't shake this feeling that she "knows" more than I do about my own heritage and is keeping it hostage--the tree went all the way back to the 1400's in England. I'm angry and I'm hurt because I feel like the only reason she tried to get close to me was to hurt me with untruths, or her own perceived version of my father. And now, she knows all of the things I've always wanted to know, but my father died and only knew a bit of this, himself.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Mar 18 2011 : 06:12:06 AM
I came in this morning after being out yesterday (celebrating the VERY Irish Lynch clan I married into at their annual luncheon) and I am really humbled by your responses.
Nini, I think you're right--she posted all these pictures of herself and my daddy, when she was little. Like those are the happiest memories she has, suspended in time. If I didn't "know" her, I might feel a little sorrier. Guess that's where I could work on my own self, a bit!
It's funny--Janice mentioned how great my mom is--and it's true (thank you for thinking so, Janie and Lisa--yes, the "stroller/what a find!" incident still cracks me up!). I remember that, a few years ago, my mom received a card from my niece (Brenda's daughter), Sharon Gay. She mentioned not talking to her mom, that they hadn't been close in years, but she wanted to make sure my mom knew what they'd been up to, that they were happy, she was successful with her job and that they'd always appreciated the kindness and love my mother showed them. Interestingly enough, when I was able to catch a glimpse of the family tree, I noted that my sister didn't even have her own children listed. How SCREWY is THAT? I mean, what a horrible person!!!!
I guess I just value my "history" so very much--it's a little jab that she seems to "own" it right now. What I want to know really doesn't matter as far back to England or who "famous" we're related to. What matters to me is the origin of our name, and "who" created the "me" I am today. Which, (I feel) is really just a few generations back. My Great Great Grandparents, perhaps their siblings. Who do I look like? I can't really tell from any photos of anyone...
Again, thanks girls--very much for all the insight and kind words. I'm going to discover my OWN, and maybe I'll just name her "living female daughter" like you do when you don't have any info!!!!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| nubidane |
Posted - Mar 17 2011 : 10:15:29 AM
Oh Jonni!!
I just read this. Jim's mom is an ancestry expert; she is very familiar with the Mormon ancestry library. If you are interested in pursuing it, & would like to speak with her, I am sure she would be thrilled. She does not do much anymore, but I am sure this would light a spark. Let me know.
& yes Janice is right, Jonni's mom is the best. I was just thinking the other day about the runaway stroller the last time we were at Burlington, when your mom was so excited about her sign. I laughed out loud.
|
| Miss Bee Haven |
Posted - Mar 17 2011 : 06:05:08 AM
Wow! Good for your dad for recognizing what a poisonous situation he was in and for freeing himself. It must have been so extremely hard for him. BTW - Jonni's mom is the greatest! She's funny and fun to be with. (Can she come to Burlington this time?) Jonni - You can get the same info your half sister found and it sounds like she's done a lot of accessible groundwork you can use. She's a sad and bitter person. Don't let her sink your ship. Push her off into the water and let her go. You know who your dad was. He was like the old retired jockey you sent me the story about. They don't make 'em like that anymore.
Farmgirl Sister #50
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?"
'Br.Dave Gardner' |
| Penny Wise |
Posted - Mar 16 2011 : 12:39:21 PM
oh gosh i wish i had a few hours to talk with you right now!!!! i was given up for adoption at birth and found my parents 11 years ago--am just NOW learning all that i can about my background---also; my adopted parents divorced and i was in the middle of alot of their "comments"....i do think that everything the gals have said above my comment is right on and i think that you have every right to the feelings you are currently feeling...that said-move forward and honor YOUR family....and let me know if i can help--i love genealogy and researching and will help any way that i can--go to emails if you want-it's easier for me....
heres a big ol hug cuz i think ya need one right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Farmgirl # 2139
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~ |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Mar 16 2011 : 12:30:36 PM
I also think you should just do your own research. I can understand the left out thing. Thank goodness, it's not like that with me and my siblings! I am the older sister in your situation. I'm about 30 years older then my youngest sister! But, thankfully I have never been on drugs, dodgy, or left my children with my parents to care for! That being said, I do have a older sister who is just full of lies. In my opinion it's best not to believe ANY thing she says. (also been on drugs, left her kids for her mother to raise, etc etc) If she started a family tree I wouldn't know what was real and what she dreamed up in her imagination. When our grandma died she was really mad she didn't get a bunch of things from her. She got a little though. She kept on going on and on how she had a dream that grandma left her a bunch of jewelry and now she wanted. Grandma never had ANY jewelry! Didn't even have a wedding ring, till her 50 anniversary and my mom bought her one! They never could afford one! So all this jewelry stuff was all made up in my sisters head! Yet she wanted it just the same. No amount of talking to her could get her to believe no jewelry existed, cause after all it was in her "dream"! UHG! any way........I wouldn't believe all the stuff that your sister put in the tree any way if she is known to be a drug user, liar and hateful as it is.
You would probably get a more accurate assessment of your family by doing it yourself.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| embchicken |
Posted - Mar 16 2011 : 12:05:58 PM
I think Nini's idea of picking up from the point wher you were aware of your father is great. It is also very meaningful. Your recollections would bre of light and love.
I wouldn't worry too much about the family"tree" that she has posted. From what you have described of her - the information she has cold or could not be true - and does it reall, I mean really, matter. You sound like such a positive person - I think you need to go in that direction and leave your sister to herself. - Say a prayer for her, forgive her for hurting you, you can do all those things - that doesn't mean that you have to subject yourself to a toxic person or relationship.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world" ~Gandhi
embchicken.blogspot.com |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Mar 16 2011 : 11:51:51 AM
Jonni - I'm so sorry that you are being pained by your sister's insensitivity. You know, her experiences with your father were cut short and her memories are probably seriously clouded by her mother's bitter words and skewed memories, not to mention by her feelings of being left behind and forgotten by your Dad (and I suspect that was truly not the case, either). That's such a hard thing for a little child. I strongly suspect that a lot of what she is feeling comes from her mother rather than anything your father did or did not do. You, on the other hand, were blessed to know a more mature, loving father, and you had wonderful experiences with him, so her perspective really hurts your heart to the core; you feel very protective of your father and your memories of him - and rightly so. You can't change anything, and you certainly didn't cause it. It's an extremely sad situation that is absolutely not your fault. Forgiveness means letting go of hurts and celebrating the good things! Your sister will never truly never celebrate good and escape her bitterness until she can somehow forgive and move on. You cannot do that for her, you certainly do not have to subject yourself to her, but as her sister, it would be a wonderful blessing if you would pray for her. :) Sometimes the most and greatest that we can do for a person is that which is unseen, you know what I mean?
I think you're doing a wonderful, heatlhy thing in honoring your father's memory by letting go of her and her bitterness. Your Dad turned away from a destructive life with her mother. His turn toward a future bright with promise led to the great blessing of his life: your mother and the life and family they established together. I am sure he found great joy and peace with your mother and you. That is such a beautiful testament to grace and the truth of real love! I sincerely and very deeply feel so bad that your sister was left behind in the wake, but in those days, that was pretty much how it was handled - mother got custody. I'm thinking that woman didn't really make it possible for him to have any type of healthy relationship with his daughter, and by the time that possibility existed, she was already far too embittered to allow for a good relationship with him. I'm sure the stories you hear are hurtful, but you weren't there and you know your father in a different light, so don't lay weight in the words of someone who is so deeply steeped in darkness. It would be wrong to allow your own experience with him, which was so full of light, to be clouded like that - you know what I mean? It would be allowing her skewed, embittered perspective to infect your life and memories, too. That is so wrong, and so unnecessary. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for receiving such blessings as you did. Absolutely not.
The ancestry thing? Don't let it get to you. If I were you, I would do a family tree beginning from the point where your knowledge of your father began. In other words, pick up where she left off, recording his history with your family where it began, and your memories as you remember him. Just go ahead and record his ancestral line in your own family tree to the best of your recollection. Even if your lineage with her intersects, it is quite different at some point - like a new branch in the vine. It's a much healthier and wholesome branch, too. (I just have to say here, too, that your Mom must be some kind of special. So different from your sister's mother. What a blessing that your parents found each other!) It's kind of sad to see what your father left behind - because the suffering he experienced in that old relationship is something that you still suffer for him today through your sister's behavior. But you know, you can show the world that his suffering and his life got so much better with the new line he created with your mother. And you can record whatever stories and memories of him you want according to your own personal recollections so the truth of who your father was will never be forgotten. Let the world know his true legacy. And, my friend, that legacy of love surely lives on in you! :)
Much love and many blessings from my heart to yours, sister -
Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| Bear5 |
Posted - Mar 16 2011 : 11:42:19 AM
Ancestry.com is thru the Morman church, and all you have to do is start your own family tree, and any info that is already in the system will pop up in the form of leaves, it is all public info, anyone can do it...
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Mar 16 2011 : 10:51:36 AM
Thanks, girls. From what I understood is that since she created the family tree, noone can view it unless she "allows" them to. After our last email communications, my guess is that she isn't interested in me viewing anything--somehow, she learned that it was my profile viewing the tree.
Oh well.
I know someone else who is going the mormon route. I'd love to learn more about that. How do I get started, I wonder?
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| Julia |
Posted - Mar 16 2011 : 10:19:36 AM
You can do ancestory research through the mormon church, even if you aren't mormon. My aunt used their resources, and we aren't mormon. You may be able to contact Ancestory.com give tell them of the block, and they may change it for you.
I wear my cape around my waist.
#440
http://myfeetaredirty.blogspot.com
http://www.turnerhilltea.blogspot.com/ |
| Cherime |
Posted - Mar 16 2011 : 09:52:59 AM
Try and see if there isn't some other place that you can do research and not be blocked. There must be some way around that.
CMF |
|
|
