| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Jan 06 2011 : 11:38:21 AM
Oh man. I am just so chapped. I cannot believe this. One of my son's friend's is stealing from us. I don't have proof as to which one, but I'm pretty sure I know who it is. It started last Christmas - a year ago. An entire box of tealight candles were missing from my shelf. I didn't give them away, I had left them there to replenish the candles that were about to burn out. Suddenly - gone. I was pretty sure I knew who it was, but I didn't accuse anyone because I couldn't prove it, and, after all, it was "only" a box of candles. Where we live, a lot of the kids are at or below poverty level, and, unfortunately their parents are lacking on many, many levels. I figured maybe whomever stole the candles wanted to give a Christmas gift to his mother, so I just let it go. I know - not so bright. But it was Christmas, and it WAS "only candles."
I won't get into it here, but this one kid's home life is really bad (actually a few of the kids have it bad at home), to the point that a few neighborhood mothers had called the authorities to turn one family in last year. ANYHOW. The kids all assumed it was me who called - it wasn't. I know the moms who did, because they wanted to know if they could count on me as a witness, but it wasn't me who called. But the kids assumed it was me because they were all always hanging out at my house, and all talking to me as if I was their "other mother." Long story short, there were fights - even some physical altercations - between some of the boys and my kid - and then everybody just avoided each other like the plague. My son's "real" friends still stood by him, probably a couple of them did so because they knew their moms had been the ones who had made the phone calls, but the others treated my son terribly, and all the kids just stood by and watched. I was sick over it - you'll never know.
Slowly over the months, time healed wounds, and now that Christmas has come and they all have new footballs and video games, they're all hanging out again - and having fun. Unfortunately, stupid me, I allowed the "unsettling kids" to start coming back over last summer. Suddenly, this fall, I was missing a brand new pair of jeans. Then I was missing two dressy blouses - at different times. Then my husband's medication seemed to be going a little too fast. And every once in a while a $20 bill was missing from my wallet, but I figured maybe I had spent it on gas or given it to my husband for something when he was off at work in the morning and had forgotten about it. The other missing items were all things that I could rationalize, too. Maybe the clothing was in my closet and I just wasn't seeing them, or maybe my jeans wound up in my husband or son's clothing piles somehow. We've all looked high and low, but you never know. I was just hoping they'd turn up during spring cleaning. The medication? Well, that's a different issue. My husband is more forgetful about taking his meds, and I pretty much monitor them - point being, he never doubles doses. I started to worry that maybe someone was taking them - the boys do sleep over occasionally - so I started hiding them. Nothing has been missing since.
Then today, it was all confirmed. In my kitchen I have a pie counter upon which sits my KitchenAid stand mixer along with a bank of large and medium sized glass jar canisters, which hold bulk coffee, flour, sugar, tea, oatmeal, pasta, etc. (It's pretty cool - everyone loves the look!) So this morning I went to measure out oatmeal for breakfast and there it was - a box of my votives nestled in between the jars. Now I know that I didn't take them out. My candle cupboard is a thin out-of-the-way cupboard that rests off to one side of the pie counter. Nobody ever THINKS to go in there, except me. Then again, we just had the wedding for my foster kids, so I thought maybe I had gone in there at one point and this box of candles had fallen out unnoticed. Unlikely, but possible. When I lifted the box of candles up from between the candles, I was in shock - it was empty! Now I KNOW I never burned even one of them because they're a favorite scent of a good friend of mine, and I had been saving them for her birthday!!! I checked with my DH and foster daughter - maybe he had given them to the kids to enjoy on their wedding night (but really, why wouldn't they take the box?), and had forgotten to tell me. Nope. And my son was clueless. He could care less about the candles.
So here I am, full-well knowing that we had a bunch of these kids in our house over the Christmas break - even including a sleepover, and now ANOTHER thing is missing. I talked about it with my son, who, at first, was just incredulous that I would accuse any of his friends of stealing. But as we talked, I reminded him of the things that were missing, and of the boy or boys who were around at the time. He started to get upset as the evidence was starting to back up my case. So now what do I do? I don't want these kids in my house anymore! I don't even want my son to hang out with any of them, because, for one, I don't want him to be associated with theives, and, for two, what's stopping any of them from pointing the finger at him with other parents? I mean, this one boy who I suspect, he's a charmer. But he loves pitting the kids against each other, and he lies. Two summers ago, he busted one of our garage windows, but told me it was another kid. When I confronted the kid, he denied it instead of taking responsibility for it, so I wouldn't allow him anywhere on our premises until he fixed it. He never did. Then suddenly a few months later, my son came to me really upset. He said the boy who fingered the other boy for the broken window confided in him that he had actually done it, but was afraid to tell me. I was fuming! Of course I apologized to the accused, and made him feel welcome, but geez - the damage was done, and I had been seriously lied to! What's worse, the liar had been standing right there watching in the window when I interrogated and accused the other kid - and he let him take all the heat! And this kid is definitely an Eddie Haskell - he has most of the other mothers fooled until he pulls this stuff with them, so if you say anything, until it happens to them, they just don't believe you. So why bother? He has the face of an angel, the words sweeter than honey, and he's involved in his church's youth group, but he's got a very dark side. And his parents are the ones who had child protective services called on them - so trust me, when I say without going into detail, this kid has a bad home life. I just don't know what to do. He's going to lie to me if I ask him. Then again, there have been a few other "shady" kids, too. So any ONE of them could've done it.
The tough thing is that all the kids here hang out together, and they will shun my son if we make a big deal about this. My son loves hanging out with his friends, playing football, soccer, swimming during the summer, and playing video games. They mean a lot to him. He became really angry with me over this because this could really affect his social life. I couldn't believe it! I told him that his anger should instead be turned against his friends who have stolen from us and broken our trust. I reminded him further of things he's had missing over the past year, too - little things, but nevertheless, they've inexplicably disappearted. He realized his anger was misplaced. Now he doesn't know how to handle it, either.
I told him that these aren't the type of kids he wants around him because unless by some miracle they change, it will only get worse, and the missing things will be bigger and more expensive. As a matter of fact, they've already damaged one rather expensive Christmas gift he received - something that I scrimped and saved to buy him, something that I believe this one boy dropped on purpose out of jealousy. My son doesn't see it that way, but dang it, I do!
I just don't want ANY of these kids here, I don't want my son to hang out with them, but that's not practical, and won't really solve the problem. Further, I don't want to go to this one kid's parents, because they wouldn't do anything about it - they'd probably fight with us and then suddenly their son would be out of the picture for a week, if you get my drift. I'd call the authorities myself if that happened, of course, but I don't want to see any harm come to the kid. Dealing with his parents in general never seems to do anyone any good. So I feel very stuck. I can't even think rationally because I am so upset. How stupid am I to have let this go this far? What do I do now? How do I handle it so my son doesn't have problems with the kids again or lose good friends over this Eddie Haskell? Personally could do without some of them, but they all hang out together...
I'm sorry... I just can't even think clearly about this right now. I just don't want him around kids like this. His choices are very limited, but dang it, this is not what I want for him. And I can't have kids I don't trust anywhere on my property, let alone influencing him on any level.
OH! And I forgot to mention that the man-door to our detached garage was suddenly unlocked last weekend. My husband was really upset with our son, because he and his friends had been in there earlier in the day. Our son insisted he locked it, and I believed him - or at least believe that he believes he locked it (his face gives him away when he isn't being truthful). My husband went on and on about how all his tools are in there and he doesn't want them stolen. Well... he didn't go through stuff because he had to work... I just pray nothing's missing.
I'm so upset. Just so upset. Any thoughts? I'd really appreciate it!
Thanks for putting up with my ranting - Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| nut4fabric |
Posted - Jan 22 2011 : 08:57:30 AM
Hi Nini You did the right thing putting all the kids on notice. Possibly the peer pressure on the "bad one" will help now that it is out in the open that you are on the him, and mentioning the police lets them know that you are indeed serious. It's tough being a parent no doubt about that but it comes with the territory and it pays off in the long run, I recall many times being the bad guy that said no about something when "everybody else can", don't regret a single one of those nos. The biggest payoff has been when one of the kids has said since "now I know why you did..... or said no". Just as we now understand our parents our kids will understand us. Hang in there, the years that you spend parenting a young child are really very short compared to the years that you are the parent of a grown child, they just seem long. And you don't have to live in a rough area to have bad things going on. We raised our kids in a very affluent area (gated community, country clubs, private planes etc.) and we had similar problems.
Kathy |
| forgetmenot |
Posted - Jan 22 2011 : 07:37:41 AM
Hi, Nini. Actually, what you have been expressing has brought back a lot of memories of raising kids and grandkids. We just live in a "normal" environment too. Well, if you can call an acreage in the middle of the country "normal". Anyway, I think the words you used with the group of kids was just right and admirable. It may just do the trick. Over the years we have gone through similar times with the kid's friends. I just started hiding things, and felt angry and victimized. My kids, grandkids didn't want me to say anything. I'm sure I didn't do any favors by keeping quiet. A couple of days after my daughter's wedding our home was burglarized. I am sure I know who it was. No one believed me..Anyway, I think you were very brave and wise to talk with the kids all together. Wish I had. And will..should this happen again. I really would like to be there for the kids too.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the belief that something is more important than fear." Ambrose Red Moon |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Jan 21 2011 : 11:06:06 PM
Thank you, Judith - I know... it's so yucky. You're all probably thinking we're living in a really bad place, but we're honestly not. I keep feeling like I must be giving all of you the impression that we live in some horribly drug-ridden projects where you have to hide in your home or risk your life going out to the grocery store.. but honestly, that isn't the case. We're just a really normal neighborhood - this could be happening to anyone. It's extremely sad and quite infuriating that a few people can make it so hard on everyone else. 'Just gotta keep the faith and keep praying, you know?
My son's really upset with me right now because I'm being overprotective. A lot of the other kids are still out and about even in all this snow, in these sub-zero wind chills, and even after dark, but I won't even let him go shovel the walk without someone with him. He feels like I'm treating him like a baby, but I disagree. I'm willing to take all his guff and be the heavy right now. There hasn't been any news report stating that the shooter was caught or anything. Plus my DH has been working long hours, sometimes into the wee hours of the next morning, so I am feeling especially vulnerable about the situation. I feel kind of childish about the way I'm feeling, to be honest. You think you're so together until something like this happens. And the boy in question from my last post was here tonight, and when I asked what had happened over there the other night, he said that they (meaning he and his sister) were in "lock down," (?) and he doesn't know what happened at his building the other night (old house converted to apartments), and he wasn't asking because it wasn't any of his business and he didn't want to know. Well, excuse me, then. I probably shouldn't have asked to be honest. He was actually kind of sharp in his response, so I'm guessing it was someone at his house that was taken away. I just squeezed his shoulder, gave him a little smile and told him that all I cared about was that they were okay. He just smiled, relaxed his shoulders and looked down.
These poor kids. So heartbreaking. But I can't have them stealing from me, either. So, when a few of the boys were here this afternoon, I took the opportunity to just let them know how much we care about them and how glad we are to have them over for video games and pizza and sleepovers, but that we've noticed that we've had a few things suddenly "disappear" over the holiday break, and that really puts everyone in a tough position. Of course they immediately started with the, "not me's," etc. So I told them that I am absolutely not pointing fingers, and that I was going to bring this up with everyone who comes in the house so everyone is on the same page. I didn't accuse anyone, and I didn't mention names. All I continued with saying was that we needed to be able to trust everyone who enters our home; that we seek the same courtesy and respect from everybody as we extend to them. I told them I didn't want anyone to point fingers, that at this point I didn't want to know who or why or how or anything, but that I'm just laying down the law. If it happens again, I'm going to start calling and/or visiting parents, and anymore theft - no matter how small it may seem - would be reported to the police and I will tell them the name of each and every kid who had been at the house when it happened. Man did eyes go wide when I said that! And some eyes were cast on one person in particular, which was no surprise to me, but I pretended not to notice. I told them I wasn't out to be mean or hurtful or cause problems for anyone, but if I am treated without respect and as a victim, the perpetrator will be treated as the criminal, plain and simple, so it'd better stop. It got so quiet you could hear a pin drop. I told them that I love each and every one of them, that they know I am here if they need anything, that they know they can come to me and ask for anything they need; they don't need to steal. I kind of left it at that and said, "Ok?" And they all pretty much said, "Yep." And that was that. We'll see.
Good gravy... I didn't happen to see any of this in the parenting manual, did you? LOL! It's like we have to go through growing pains all over again with our kids, isn't it? Only this time, we're the ones on the receiving side of the rolling eyes, the pounding feet, the "Oh, MOM!'s" and the "Aw, DAD!'s", the "That is SO not fair's!" and the "Why-y-y-y-y-y-y-y's?" And we have to be the ones to make all the tough decisions, deal with the worry, and put up with the unpleasantness. I'm starting to really understand that horrible phrase my Dad used to spew back: "Because I SAID so, THAT's why! Now DO what you're TOLD and this BETTER be the END of it!" <<shudder>> Man did I hate those words back then. I haven't gone there yet, but sometimes I feel that same response just creeping up on me and making my jaw clench and tremble.
You know, I think I'm going to call my Mom tomorrow... And my Dad, too... I think I'm going to let them know how much I appreciate them and that now I actually kinda "get" it. :)
Thanks for your insights, support and prayers girls! I really appreciate it! Hugs - Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| forgetmenot |
Posted - Jan 21 2011 : 9:23:11 PM
Wow, Nini! Such a trial. What a crazy, stressful time for your family. It really does sound like you are guiding your son down the right path though. I'll say prayers that this turbulence will end soon for your family. A family's resilience can be a wonderful thing.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the belief that something is more important than fear." Ambrose Red Moon |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Jan 18 2011 : 1:17:21 PM
Well... just a little update. Someone from the house where one of the boys I've been talking about lives was just taken away in a Sheriff's car...
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Jan 18 2011 : 11:11:26 AM
Thanks, Marian. I hope so, too. They said on the news today that it occured right on our block around 8:30 last night. We were home and didn't hear a thing! That's extremely unusual. The man apparently just walked up to a couple walking on the sidewalk and started shooting. The person in the hospital is suffering with a gun wound to the shoulder. The police had their dogs out to search for the shooter, but were unsuccessful. The schools are closed today because of the weather and road conditions this morning. One of the boys in the neighborhood came over because his mom has an appointment. He said he heard the gun shots last night; he said it sounded like a shotgun shot followed by a few pistol shots. Oy vey. And this boy said that the day before he had been walking up our alley and saw bullet casings on the side of the road. What I didn't share with you is that a few nights ago around 1:30 in the morning, I heard three gun shots and called 9-1-1 to report it. The police were supposed to come and check it out, but I never heard or saw anything. So this is really upsetting. Our town has had to make so many financial cutbacks that our much needed police force is down to 9 officers, which includes the canine officers. We need more police protection - look what is happening! Anyway, this boy that's here said he ran like a banshee from his house around the corner to our house because he saw some people walking up the street dressed all in black. Don't you know as soon as he said that, two young men (or older teens), dressed all in black were coming up the other sidewalk across the street from our house. I got the chills. My husband called from work because the information had come up on his mobile phone in a news report. I asked him if we could maybe start thinking about selling this house and moving away from here. I told him it's not only that I'm concerned for our child, but also what if we were to stay until we're old.. what then? I don't want to fear for my life every time I walk out the door or maybe wake up in the middle of the night with someone in the house stealing from us or standing over me with a gun. My husband completely understands my concerns, but like he said, he's not sure we could even sell our house right now - and where would we go? What can we afford at this point? So much to consider... This is just so unfair and I am absolutely incredulous. What is WRONG with people?! Oh! And just now, there's another boy at the door. I'm going to have to have a heart-to-heart with these kids. I want them to know they will always have a safe place here with us if they have to duck in or if their parents aren't home. But I also want them to know that our property has to be respected and that I need to be able to trust them. I cannot even believe that these things are happening or that these conversations have to take place. I love my home, I love my neighbors. I want this to be a safe and happy place to live for everyone. I pray God removes the riff-raff - or even better, changes their thinking, their hearts and their behavior - so we can get back to living like we should. And I really want this guy caught - NOW. This is just so upsetting. - Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| dutchy |
Posted - Jan 18 2011 : 12:38:53 AM
BIG hugs to you and your sun Nini. I am SO sorry to read this update! I know how scared you must be. I remember when we lived in our previous town. In the street my brother and his then partner lived there was a shooting too! It was a bigger city with "strange" people living there as well (drugs, stealing etc etc ) but a shooting on your doorstep! WOW it really shook their (and our) world! My brother and his partner already wanted to move away but were waiting for a nice house....they went. Just packed up their things and rented something till they found a nice enough place to buy. They went to the Province we were born in, a very small village (smaller than where I live now lol) and loved living there for a couple of years. NO shooting, no drugs...just an easy quiet life. Now brother lives in Thailand (and boy do I miss him) and I live in my small quiet safe village.
I SO hope and pray they will catch the shooter soon Nini.
Hugs from Marian
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
http://pinkprincessdecorating.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me, my home and my crafts
Farmgirl sister # 2410 |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Jan 17 2011 : 11:19:42 PM
I'm so sorry you went through that, Annie. It really does rock one's world when it happens. It's amazing how we have to re-think things we would normally do or usually take for granted, isn't it? We can't live in paranoia and fear, though. That's a kind of spiritual bondage that can really destroy us if we let it, you know? But we sure do start to see things a little differently, and we certainly can take precautions to try to avoid having that kind of thing happen again. Not all people are bad or do bad things. It just becomes a little bit more difficult to trust when this happens - and if you're like me, and ignored your gut instincts, then you kind of become angry with yourself and start to question your own instincts, too. It's hard; but we don't have to give anything or anyone power over us.
So, on top of all of this with the kids, tonight on the news there was a report of a shooting right here on my street. MY STREET. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. How can this be?! Have things - people - really gotten that bad? A shooting. For real. My street. Are people out of their cotton-pickin' minds?! Ugh. They said the victim is in the hospital, the police are looking for a man dressed all in black with black shoes, and no other information had been released. We don't live in a "bad" place. There are a lot of really good people around here. I am so shaken, and trying very hard not to let it get to me, but I can't sleep. I just want to know more: Who? What? Where? When? Why? Are they going to catch this man? Are we going to be safe? But what I typed is truly all they said on the news - no other information has been released. Thank you for that bomb of news. And now for your sponsor.
At this very moment, I would love to just pack up our belongings and move, but that's not realistic; not practical, not an option for us. Not right now. Not in this economy. Plus somehow, that would be giving control of our lives over to the actions of another. I'm too stubborn - and a little too optimistic - for that. Ugh. So tomorrow, we're going to be here in this big old house by ourselves homeschooling while some goofball is out there on the loose with a gun. These aren't paintballs this time, either - they're bullets. Real, flesh-and-bone piercing bullets.
I told my son he's not going anywhere for a few days at least until we get the whole story and know that whoever did this has been caught. He understands.
I wish I didn't feel so negatively about all of this. This is OUR home, OUR neighborhood, OUR community. We have the right to be safe, live among good people, trust our neighbors and our son's "friends," and to live in peace. This... this is just so wrong.
And I haven't heard back from the counselor yet, because they had teacher's "in service" day today, so the school was closed. Argh...
'Just a bit frustrating and scarey. My husband has to be up in about two hours and then he's off to work in the dark of the early morning hours, and then I'm here with my son and our dog... and some man dressed in black with black shoes who likes to wield a gun and shoot people is out there on our streets. I have always felt safe here, with the exception of the paintball incident; but I didn't feel like our lives were in danger back then - not like tonight. And I'm a little bit angry about that. Again - are people out of their cotton-pickin' minds?!
Well, I guess I'd better go do what I do best in times like this... pray.
Hugs - Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| njaw09 |
Posted - Jan 17 2011 : 10:20:56 PM
While reading this it reminded me of someone close to our family. It reminded me of my...it took me more than 3+ yrs to convince my husband it was her. Finally one day I found the proof at her garbage can. It got out of hand. I told her she is no longer allow at our house and I won't show mercy. I change my locks because we know she has copies. I started to take pictures of what I have. Even now I am paranoid. Sometimes I wonder will her daughter follow her footstep. I don't buy jewelries anymore. I keep an inventories list and take pictures. Its little hard for me to type this because it brings a lot of emotions. Sad thing is why can't she ask and most of the time I am willing to part with it. Why steal and make me don't trust. Ask and I am willing to give.
It is quite hard for your son. I also know your feelings. It is always good to explain to your son what is right and wrong and let him decide on his own. Take a digital photos of your room, drawers...lock your bedroom and watch them closely. Do you have any kids? Ask them to lookout. Or tell the kids certain rooms are off limits. Do you have a cam? You can record it to your computer. |
| Cherime |
Posted - Jan 13 2011 : 08:56:49 AM
Kids into drugs seem to take an intense delight in getting something into a kid who does not do those things to "lighten them up". Bad company can hurt a person in ways that are not immediately apparent. Look around and see if there aren't some other places for you son to find friends. Those kids are not friends.
CMF |
| HealingTouch |
Posted - Jan 07 2011 : 7:22:40 PM
Nini, The one thing I see here is that even though your son is part of the group, he is really the kid on the outside IF they are laughing at his being ill! By all means protect your son first. If your Mom's gut feels something is wrong , than it is. Better to get these kids out of his life than to regret that you didn't. This is not the world we grew up in. Everyone is out for themselves and would turn the good guy in without thinking twice. Things missing from your house,your son being ill like that are more than enough to get these kids out of all your lives. My house was the house that all the kids came to but I Always let them know the rules and if I didn't like something they knew that too. My House My Rules. I'm scared for your son. Drugs are so readily available to those that want them. Even though you Trust your own son ...You can't trust them. If they slipped him something, and it sounds like they did, what will they do to him next. Better safe than sorry.
I am a no nonsense person. One time my daughter and some friends skipped school and we caught them coming home from school in a car and not the bus. The next day I called the Principle and told him that from that day forward if my daughter was absent I would call the school and let them know. If she was absent and I didn't call, they needed to call me. Needless to say, she never skipped school again.
Hang tough Nini and trust your Gut! Prayers Sister!
Blessings and Peace,
Darlene
Sister 1922
God first, everything else after!
DNA doesn't make us sisters, Love does!
The road to a friends house is never to long!
|
| Ninibini |
Posted - Jan 07 2011 : 6:39:18 PM
Thanks so much, Kathy - that means the world to me! I will caution him... probably to the point that his eyes will roll in his head every time he walks out the door. But as long as he's not running out, I'm thinking it'll be a good thing. :) Hugs - Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| nut4fabric |
Posted - Jan 07 2011 : 5:29:55 PM
Nini You are so blessed to have that relationship with your son, we have always had that with both of our children (now grown) and it is amazing what they will tell you. Our son is much like yours very trusting and never wanting to believe that anyone would do him harm but that's just not the way the world is unfortunatly and it did at times come as a surprise to him when things went wrong with a friend. I feel a little ill myself after reading about your son being so sick that day at the fair, my instincts tell me it wasn't the food. Please caution him to be careful and know that I will be keeping him and his friend in my prayers
Kathy |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Jan 07 2011 : 2:38:23 PM
Ain't it the truth, Carole? Thank you so much for your prayers!
Loyce, you're absolutely right. Thank you. I know - we need to remember: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." I try to remind myself of that every time he steps out the door. :)
The counselor wasn't in today, so I left a message. I'm sure I'll hear from him on Monday.
I had a long talk with my son at lunch. I broke into tears while we were discussing everything, and I felt bad about that. He doesn't believe any of his "friends" would poison him, but he does understand completely where I'm coming from. He's going to be careful and trust his instincts when he's with the boys in question. I'm so, so thankful that we have always had open lines of communication - ever since he was a little guy. He has confided stuff to us in the past that most kids would never even THINK of talking about with their parents. I just know that could possibly change a little bit now that he's a teenager and trying to become a man. We'll just keep on keepin' on, pray, trust our boy, and trust God. I'm probably going to have bruised knees, and the Good Lord's surely going to have cauliflower ear from all the time and attention I demand from Him, but, hey, it wouldn't be the first time! I know He loves me. And that's what Moms are for! ;)
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| traildancer |
Posted - Jan 07 2011 : 1:21:34 PM
Several years ago, while still in high school, my son faced a problem with a friend. I can't remember what it was. But I told him that he knew right and wrong and he knew how Jesus would want him to act. He was concerned about losing his friend and I reminded him that sometimes a friend needs to let the other person know that what they are doing is wrong and/or inappropriate. You can still be friends and not approve of the action. I don't know if this helps or even seems to address the same problem you are facing. It sounds, from your posts, that you and your husband have done a great job of teaching your son right from wrong. At some point your son has to decide that how he was raised is how he wants to be. It's hard as a parent to let children out in the big, wide world and let them stand or fall. Your son has a good, solid base to stand on and to return to.
The trail is the thing.... Louis L'Amour |
| foreverbooks |
Posted - Jan 07 2011 : 11:07:29 AM
With "friends" like this, who needs enemies! I'm with Amanda and am sending prayers your way.
Carole
In light, love, and friendship! |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Jan 07 2011 : 09:06:02 AM
Thanks, girls. It's funny you say that, Kathy... now I'm a little sick to my stomach. For the first time this fall, our son was allowed to accompany the boys to the local carnival. They all went out to eat at a small restaurant in town. My son got stuck paying for stuff he didn't order, and started to feel pretty sick, so called us to come get him. When he came home, he was so sick - he vomited repeatedly and ruined our carpet in so doing (total accident). I said to my husband at the time that I worried the kids had slipped something into his meal, but my husband just scoffed. He was certain it was because of the food at the diner, the hot weather and all the walking around they were doing. My gut told me otherwise. I haven't seen him so sick like that since he was a baby. And none of the other kids got sick at all. So what does that say? There hasn't been any problems since, but now I feel so pulled apart at the seams after reading your post. You know, there's a lot to be said about a woman's intuition. God, I feel sick right now.
Thanks for your prayers, Amanda - I could really use them!
I haven't had a chance to call the school yet, but will be doing so after lunch. I don't want to miss the counselor while he's on break.
God, Kathy... I really am sick to my stomach! I really do trust our son completely. But because he's homeschooled, he's just not as streetwise as the others, for lack of a better term. He is extremely trusting and generous and kind. If he doesn't think a certain way, he finds it difficult to believe anyone else would. He's getting there, though. He always stands up for what is right, protects the kid who's getting picked on, walks away when he know he should... but I can't help remembering that the boys were laughing a little bit TOO hard when they found out he was so sick that day that we had to tear up the carpet. It was so weird - even my son noticed. God. I just don't want him around this kids anymore. I feel like crying.
Thank you for your insights - AND prayers - I can't tell you what they mean to me!
Big hugs - Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| msdoolittle |
Posted - Jan 07 2011 : 08:53:35 AM
Will be sending prayers for you!
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
| nut4fabric |
Posted - Jan 07 2011 : 08:51:40 AM
Nini your husband is right about trusting your son to do the right thing and letting him make good decsions but there is always the chance that while hanging out with "Eddie" some crime is going to be committed and your son will be caught up in it just by being there innocent or not. Or the possibility that "Eddie" will slip him some drug (he is stealing them for some reason) into what your son is eating or drinking. My father was a police detective for 30 years and you wouldn't beleive the stories I have heard of innocent people getting caught up with the wrong people. Please be careful!!
Kathy |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Jan 06 2011 : 10:08:54 PM
Thanks, girls.
I honestly don't think it's the lack of money that's the issue - I think it's a cry for love and attention. It's heartbreaking what this kid goes through. He's not the only one in his family with this reputation, either. He and his sibling let a lot slip in general conversation, too, which just makes my hair curl. Too much was said, too much had happened - that's why the other moms called child services. But the kids just love him, and they certainly don't see through his games and deception. I love the boy, too, to be honest. My heart cries for "Eddie" at times, and more than once he and the others in his family have been the center of some extremely heart-to-heart conversations between me and God.
Nevertheless, you're all absolutely right - we can't just let this slide and do nothing, or else his life could go into a downward spiral. I want him to have hope for a good future! I'm confident that we've got the medication issue handled on our end, at least; but that doesn't mean he's not doing it elsewhere. It's "only" generic Zoloft, but it's still prescription medicine! He could get sick or overdose - or someone else could. I know also that I can't protect my son from all the ugliness in the world. I know he needs to recognize negative situations when they arise, use his "bean," as my grandma would say, and make wise and good decisions. He does. Truly, I trust my kid. I just worry. And like I said, I know that "Eddie" really needs help. I'm honestly hoping that the phone call to the counselor will give me some good direction. My husband doesn't want to bring any of this up with any of the kids because he thinks it would make matters worse and then we'd be dealing with the problems between the boys again; but I think we should make it known that we know what's been going on and that the kids can just come to us with anything, and if they need help or food or anything like that, they should just ask. They all know us well enough that they should know they can do this, but now they're older and think they're wiser and craftier and able to get over on us. Plus I honestly think they don't trust us because of "Eddie's" family being turned in (which, by the way, isn't the first time, nor is this the only state it has happened in, I might add). But I can't get into any of that with them. They're just going to have to learn to trust us again, and more importantly, they're going to have to earn our trust.
I don't want "Eddie" or some of the other ones here anymore, and I still don't want our son to hang out with them, but my husband says we've got to give our son room to learn and grow in all of this - we have to trust him; we have to trust that we've instilled our values in him and that he will act on them accordingly. Of course, DH is right. And our son hasn't let us down thus far. So for now, we're going to just keep our guard on high, and I'll be praying more fervently. And no more sleepovers - no way. But I'm anxious to hear what the counselor has to say. I'm sure he's going to advise us to confront him and call child services, though. <deep breath> <sigh> I just don't want to have to do that, but I will if this doesn't stop. I guess my DH and I still have some learning and growing to do, too.
It just occured to me: I'm sitting here worrying about all of this - this boy and his family; and my chest is so tight that my heart hurts... And yet, this boy is sound asleep at home without even giving a single thought to what he did. He thinks he got over on us. He's satisfied with himself and feels that all is right with the world. And his parents could care less. They could simply care less. That's seriously skewed.
I'll keep you posted. Thank you all for everything. I really appreciate your thoughts and advice. Hugs - Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| msdoolittle |
Posted - Jan 06 2011 : 8:51:47 PM
My DH's ex-stepson sounds a LOT like "Eddie". He stole medication out of his own parents' bathroom to take for himself and his 'friends'. His mother never once, no matter what happened, disciplined the boy for ANYTHING. Well, surprise, surprise, he ended up being charged with a crime ring and is a meth-head. I hope and pray that through a good counselor this child's issues can be properly addressed. I hope that he turns his life around NOW before he ruins his life. They are at that critical age where decisions can change their life from now on.
I would not feel comfortable with this person in my home. Surely there is a way that your son can slowly extract himself from this 'friendship' with no retaliation! It's a tough life lesson, but I wouldn't feel good at all about my child hanging around someone like that. I had some pretty rough 'friends' at that age, too. Thank God that I didn't choose that path. I hope the counselor will come up with some good solutions for this.
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
| melody |
Posted - Jan 06 2011 : 4:02:00 PM
Oh Nini....What a dilemma especially when it's one of your kids friends and being 14 and all. My goodness. What to do?
I know you want to keep all the bad stuff away from your kids, but Nini that just isn't possible. It sounds as though your boy has a good head on his shoulders and knows right from wrong, but there isn't a darn thing you can do about his friends behavior except maybe scare the beejeebers out of him by letting him know that you know whats going on!
And now, you are going to be more conscious of what might be missing from your house and dreading any visits from the boys. I just wish I had some good advice for you dear. One point bothered me especially Nini about the medication. That might be a BIG problem especially if the kid is "selling" it to other kids. Is there a way you can sit this kid down and talk to him without any of his other friends around. Just you and your son and the kid? Keep us updated Nini.
Mel
Farmgirl #525
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| edlund33 |
Posted - Jan 06 2011 : 3:55:37 PM
Nini I'm sorry to hear your story. It really hurts to know that you can't trust kids in your own home. And even worse when they offend repeatedly. The best thing you can do is contact the counselor and follow their recommendations. It will work out best for everyone, and hopefully the boy will get some help with his problems.
My brother and I had a friend from a poor family who came into our basement one summer night (while we were upstairs sleeping) when we were kids and stole a bunch of valuables. Fortunately he was caught a few days later for another crime and most of the items were recovered. The school was called in to provide counseling for the boy. It was a tough time for us as we learned the cold hard truth about someone we considered to be a friend. But it was also a valuable learning experience and I still benefit from it as an adult.
Good luck I hope you can this trouble taken care of and behind you soon!
Cheers! ~ Marilyn
Farm Girl No. 1100
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Jan 06 2011 : 2:33:12 PM
Mary Jane, you are so right! As I was reading your post, it was as if I was speaking to myself - on every level. Thank you. You can tell yourself something over and over, but when it comes from someone else, it somehow has so much more meaning! My husband came home a little while ago and pretty much said what you did, as well. It's absolutely heartbreaking to me that we have to go into defensive mode in our own home and neighborhood, but like it or not, it's the reality of the situation. Thank you.
Kathy - yes! You're absolutely right about him selling stuff; the parents have caught him selling things more than once, but most thought it was his own belongings to help his family out financially. I think I'm going to start with the school counselor tomorrow, though, because unless I go down to the police station in person, we have to call 9-1-1 to get the police, and I really don't want that splattered all over the scanners. You're absolutely right - it will only get worse, and I don't want to be a victim - nor do I want anyone else to be a victim! Thank you!
- Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Jan 06 2011 : 2:19:35 PM
Thank you, Margo. I really, really appreciate your input. We're talking from ages 10 or 11 to 15, mostly in the 14 - 15 year range. The one in question is 15, my son is 14. I actually did talk to a school counselor about it last summer when we went in for my son's annual homeschool evaluation. At the time, summer was just beginning, and I was so not looking foward to all of the boys being outside and the possiblity of more physical encounters. I confided a lot about the situation to him, including the food issue. You're right - I had thought the exact same thing you said. I really needed advice as to how to handle all of this; I was afraid for my son. It's not cool to be a worried Mom, you know, but I can't help it. First, the counselor advised me that the more I allowed the kids to take advantage, the worse it would become. Also, where food is concerned, the stealing and hoarding usually happens when the kids are going hungry, which I knew. He said, though, that letting them take from our cupboards or continually feeding them wouldn't help their problem at home, and their parents need to take care of them or let the state take care of them. He basically went on to say that I needed to report this family to child services, which I knew at the time had already happened, and which, from his reaction to my comments, I knew he was aware had already happened. He also advised that I slowly help my son shed these kids like a bad skin; to protect him from their influence. My kid is very wise and strong where the influence of others comes in, but... It's just so hard. Anyhow, maybe you're right. Maybe I'll start with a call to this counselor. He did leave the door open to the conversation if I ever needed to talk. I think I'll give him a buzz tomorrow. Thank you for reminding me of that, Margo. That makes me feel a little better! - Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
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