| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Faransgirl |
Posted - Sep 17 2010 : 07:32:08 AM
What do you do when you have a family member that is determined to make you feel miserable. The rest of the family lets her get away with it because they think she is fragile. Actually the fragility is just a game she plays in order to get what she wants and to be able the do whatever she wants and get away with it. It is all an act. I took her in when she was in a bad place, now she has moved out and is determined to make my life as unhappy as she can. She was horrible to me when she left, took some of my stuff, left my house filthy, and did everything she could to make me feel terrible. Now everything I plan she gets involved and soon it is her doing it while I get left out.
When I brought her here I got her involved in everything I did to make her feel welcome and have stuff to get her life started again. Now she is living my life while I am being pushed aside. I know this sounds like a whine and it is really. I am feeling bad and just want "MY" life back.
Sorry for the whine.
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer". |
| 14 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| smiley |
Posted - Sep 25 2010 : 1:13:50 PM
Hang in there Beth. We are here for you. |
| Faransgirl |
Posted - Sep 19 2010 : 07:50:42 AM
Thanks you all. Today is a new day and I am hoping that I can get through it with no more interference. You know Nini I have sort of thought of that myself how she can't make a life for herself. And, yes it is scarey. I was very grateful to my friend for telling me what she was up to. I hardly know this woman but now know that she is a friend. When she first came here I knew she was in a very bad place and in my attempt to help I included her in everything. After a couple of years I realized that she was involved in "everything" I did. The only friends she had were mine. People I had introduced her to. I figured when she so dramatically moved out that all that would end but no she just started trying to remove bits of my life. I am trying to not get crazy but am quickly loosing it.
Thanks again for all your support.
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer". |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Sep 18 2010 : 9:49:35 PM
You know, Beth, I can't help but think that on some twisted level this is really, really a huge compliment to you that she thinks so highly of your life that she wants one just like it for herself! LOL! Too bad she's going about it the wrong way. It would have been so much better to be your friend and enjoy doing things WITH you rather than trying to BECOME you! There is just something so wrong about that - it's extremely unhealthy. Kind of scarey, too. She needs help... Mary's right: she needs God in her life! I'll be praying for both of you! :) Hang in there, girlfriend - we're all here for you! You're not alone - you're farmgirl sisterhood strong! Hugs, Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| msdoolittle |
Posted - Sep 18 2010 : 9:14:47 PM
Now, that is a real friend! I am glad someone has your best interests at heart! :0)
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
| Faransgirl |
Posted - Sep 18 2010 : 7:43:32 PM
Thank you to everyone. I found out today she is trying to go behind my back through a newish friend of mine to get access to where I keep my horses and spend most of my time. Luckily the lady told her no and then came to me to tell me what she had done. Why can't she just build a life for herself instead of taking over mine and pushing me out. Well, I am going to try very hard to do what you have all suggested and Nini your advise is exactly what I would like to do. She just keeps hacking away at my life. Before me she was scared to death of horses now she is trying to convince people that she is this awesome horse person. Grrrrr. Ok I will try again to let it go. I do plan to start new traditions with my kids and will just have to do Christmas with my Mom on Boxing day or Christmas Eve. It won't be the whole family but I guess I will live with that. Luckily my brother is trying to keep in contact with me even though when she moved out of here she moved in with him. Thanks again to all of you for listening and for your advise.
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer". |
| mfcrump |
Posted - Sep 18 2010 : 5:14:30 PM
Beth, This sounds just like my sister and I. She is 2 yrs older than me and we have never really got along. I took a bible study class that said to let the person go that is dragging you down, My question was if its your sister what do you do and they told me to just distance myself from her. I tryed and then are Mother passed away in Dec, 09 and I had to move in with our dad who is 94 yrs old. She was not happy about that. I live in the same town he does and she live 100 miles away. Can not get her to come and take care of him so I can get way. So when she call to talk to him and just stick to safe topics. I say she needs to get the Lord in soul. so just keep trying to do for yourself and family. I let the Lord take over my problem. It sure made a difference.
Hugs,
Mary
Farmgirl Sister 1549 |
| msdoolittle |
Posted - Sep 18 2010 : 12:03:12 PM
Amen, Nini, A-MEN. We must learn how to deal with and remove toxic/destructive relationships for self-preservation!
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Sep 18 2010 : 10:46:55 AM
Beth, I don't think you're whining at all! Part of being a good person is going the extra mile for others - even when it costs you. But there is also a line to be drawn when someone else is taking advantage and harming you. I have been there more times than I care to remember. The best thing, I feel, is to do like Angela said... A polite, gentle "back off" usually does the trick. A person like you're describing will always move on, finding someone else to make miserable - you are not going to teach her any lessons, I assure you. You just need to regain peace in your own life. We've only got one life, and we need to make it as good as it can get, right? :) If she doesn't leave you alone, it's absolutely okay to ignore her and keep her out of your plans. Sometimes the choices we have to make hurt (like missing out on Christmas with Grandma), but they can also open new doors to great new experiences (a new family celebration with traditions that you create yourself/spending a special celebration time with Grandma - just you and your kids!)! I realize that in some situations it can be impossible to exclude her from things - especially where family is concerned; however, it's not impossible to walk away or simply not respond to her when you're forced to be together. When she's driving you bonkers, you can always just calmly say to her, "I'm so sorry, my mind was elsewhere while you were speaking. You'll have to excuse me, but I have to go," and just walk away from her. And when she takes the credit for your ideas or work, and it's tap-dancing on your last raw nerve, you can always just comment, "Oh! I'm so glad she took my advice and did that! That's great! Didn't everything turn out nice! I just knew it would!" Unfortunately, not separating ourselves from toxic people soon enough can cause us to lose our tempers and and exposed the worst of ourselves. It's a horrible feeling to let it go that far and show your ugly side - it's not really who you are, but it is, unfortunately, the side of you that people will remember! It's also horrible when people believe or choose others over the truth of who you are. But if that is the case, then they never really cared about you the way you thought in the first place, and they certainly don't deserve your concentrated effort. It's a hard thing to swallow, I know; we all want to be loved and well regarded. With her, you need to think of it as if you're pruning a tree - you're the tree, and you have to get rid of the weight that brings you down and sucks you dry so that you can grow and flourish. New birds WILL flock to your beautiful branches - don't you worry! People know a good thing when they see it! ;) Hang in there - just stay positive knowing you are a great person, and remember to always try to put a positive twist on things - you'll feel much better being happy within! Hugs, Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| msdoolittle |
Posted - Sep 18 2010 : 08:14:46 AM
Sorry to be rude, but she sounds like a parasite. I have someone very much like her in our family. I have not seen her in about 7 years, and she has 'taken' 1/2 of my family with her, which is just downright sad and terrible. She, too, is extremely manipulative and knew EXACTLY what she was doing when she came around here. Prayers to you for strength to not put up with this silliness anymore. I bet almost every family has one of 'these', too!!!
And, may I add, I also have a very negative person still in my life. I avoid this person at length, even so much that we have 're-done' Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now I do these things MY way with my own little family unit...guess what? My stress level is almost naught during these times. Good luck!!!
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
| Faransgirl |
Posted - Sep 17 2010 : 6:47:19 PM
I don't think talking to her is going to help. Her attitude is that she does what she wants because it is best for her. And for the most part I agree with that. Problem is she never thinks about the "way" she does things and how that can hurt other people. Since we were in elementary school she has done things to me that were hurtful with no thought to how it was affecting me. We are in our 50's and she is still doing it. She won't try to build herself a life she just keeps taking away parts of mine. I could fight it but that always makes it uncomfortable for other people involved so I just back off. She knows I am going to do that so she continues to do what she wants knowing that I will give in so as not to cause a scene or hurt others around us. But because I do that I miss out on things I would very much like to do. I swallow the hurt and try to make it easy on the rest of the family or the friends that she has gotten to know that were mine before I brought her here to live because she was in such a bad situation.
I know I am whining again. Thanks for giving me a place to whine. Guess it is now time for me to start over and build new friendships but I really enjoyed the old ones. I will have to make new plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas etc because I know I can't do what we use to do before she came and then while she was here. I am very sad. I will miss the traditions we had before. What is worse I know my kids will miss Christmas with their Grandmother but I know they won't go there if I am not going and since she will be there, I am not going.
I have never done anything to her except help support her and help her out when she was in such a bad place. Ok, I am done whining for now.
Thanks for all our help and for listening.
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer". |
| natesgirl |
Posted - Sep 17 2010 : 09:25:12 AM
I know it is hard, but sometimes you have to just tell people to back off. I have to do it on a regular basis with my mom. She has a bad habit of tryin to take over everything, even when she's in my house! I just tell her very calmly, 'This is my thing and I've got it handled.' She backs down and huffs for a little bit, but she gets over it.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
| msdoolittle |
Posted - Sep 17 2010 : 08:42:57 AM
I have been reading a lot of Dr. Laura lately. Many people do not like her uber-conservative thoughts and her brashness, but I do. When you have a family member causing you grief (and, in turn, your own family grief), it is time to let her go. Your #1 priority is YOUR family (your hubby and your children), and, yes, you must cut ties with people who are hellbent on dragging you down. Sounds like she is a master manipulator. I am sorry that you are in this situation, but I'd be frank with her and tell her that she is no longer allowed to come over/call/whatever because she is causing you and your family grief. And be done with it, until she can better behave herself...if she ever does. When people respond to her 'games', they are just 'feeding the beast'.
Your top priority is your health and your family. Please don't spend another minute in misery because of this person. Buh-bye to her!!! ;0)
P.S. My husband had to do this to someone who kept on bringing us into her ridiculous, self-made drama. Wow, I can't tell you how much better it is not listening to that crap! This includes ignoring phone calls, emails, etc. Once you decide to cut the strings, go do just that.
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
| star-schipp |
Posted - Sep 17 2010 : 08:24:07 AM
You can love her but you do not have to love or support her lifestyle. While it is difficult to separate yourself, you have to for the health of yourself and the rest of your family. No where does it say that you have to support them to the detriment to yourself or where the only glory goes to them. Making yourself a priority does not equal "selfish" if that is what you are saying to yourself...I say that because that is what I was saying to myself.
We can do no great things; only small things with great love - Mother Teresa
Star - farmgirl sister #1927 |
| karla |
Posted - Sep 17 2010 : 08:05:20 AM
I had the same thing happen to me. At some point you will have to separate from her to let her fail or succeed on her own. My sister & I didn't really do anything together for about a year before we got back together. Time does heal alot of things.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
http://rua2j-grammysheirlooms.blogspot.com/ |
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