| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| JessieMae |
Posted - Aug 29 2010 : 10:46:35 PM
I hope it's okay that I post this here, but I'm really having a rough time dealing with the L-O-N-G road to adoption and need to get it all out. Talking about it here in a somewhat "anonymous" setting is much easier than trying to talk about it with family who, while certainly well-meaning, have their own agendas.
My husband and I have decided to adopt children. We have been married for almost 9 years now and have no children of our own, although we would certainly welcome them. We have decided it is best for us is to accept it as a fact (call it God's will, fate, the master plan of the universe, whatever) and not seek out medical reasons or interventions. (We both have seen the doctor about it and know there is nothing acutely wrong with either one of us that will cause ill health, but we have decided NOT to seek specialist treatment regarding fertility.)
This being said, after much discussion, reflection, and prayer, we decided to pursue child adoption and attended our first orientation with Bethany Christian Services in June 2009. We had no specific draw to B.C.S.; we attended their orientation after seeing an advertisement in the newspaper. There are basically 4 different options: (1) domestic (U.S.A.) infant adoption, (2) domestic older child / special needs child adoption, (3) domestic embryo adoption (embryos left over from other people's IVF treatments are implanted into your womb), and (4) foreign child adoption. For lots of reasons too personal to discuss here, my husband and I chose to go the domestic older child / special needs adoption route.
Also a quick note about foster care: we were clearly told about a dozen times that the ultimate goal of fostering is to reunite children with their biological parents. Cases where foster parents end up adopting their foster children are somewhat looked on as a kind of failure because that ultimate goal of reuniting children and parents was not achieved. The B.C.S. mantra was "Love 'em like your own, and then send 'em on home." With this in mind, both my husband and I felt VERY strongly that this was not an avenue we were able to pursue. It takes a very, very, very special, forgiving, and strong person to be able to love a child and understand that on any given day they may be required to hand that child back to the parent who had been (and may become again...and again...and again) an unfit parent. It is just more than we can do.
So began our journey. At that first orientation session we spoke to a very nice man who gave us his business card and told us to contact him if we decided to adopt older children. "If you want to adopt an older child, I can have one in your home by Christmas!" he enthusiastically said. He told us to go to the Michigan Adoption Resource Exchange website (www.mare.org if you want to see what I'm talking about) and see if there were any kids we would like to pursue. We ran home that night and right away found 2 brothers, Donovan and Gordon, that we wanted to know more about. My husband called the man the next morning and said we were interested in adopting them. "Fantastic!" the man said, "But I'm not your social worker, I'm a family recruiter. First you need to go through training classes, then you can adopt the boys. The next training sessions begin in September." We signed up right away. About a week later we received a form letter that said M.A.R.E. had received our inquiry about Donovan and Gordon. About a week after that, Donovan and Gordon were removed from the M.A.R.E. website because they were adopted by another family. No one ever contacted us about them.
We attended all of the required training classes, which stretched from September into October. At our last session we were told we would each be assigned to a caseworker who would contact us to begin the "application process." We were kind of shocked...five months in, and we haven't even begun the "process?" We thought that's what we were doing at all these classes. We were told the social workers would contact us in a week or so. "We're very busy people!" they cried at the last session, "Please be patient with us!"
Our last session was October 6, 2009. Our caseworker (C.W.) sent us an inch-thick envelope on November 10 containing our Adoptive Family Assessment.
The assessment is not something you can do overnight. It requires filling out an application, questionnaires, criminal and protective services clearances, fingerprinting, discipline policies, family histories, financial statements, medical exams, drivers' records clearances, copies of marriages license, drivers' licenses, auto insurance, pet vaccinations, referrals from non-family members, etc. We finally finished the whole process on January 13, 2010. We made copies of all our documents and Fed-Exed all the originals to C.W. that same day. We did not hear back from her until March.
During this waiting period, we continued to check the M.A.R.E. website often, seeing what children had been added or removed. We found another little family we were interested in: Brittany, Drake, and Jacob. We made another inquiry and received another form letter. A few weeks later, Brittany and Drake were still on the website but their baby brother Jacob had been removed (someone had broken up the family to adopt only the youngest child - heartbreaking!). A few weeks after that, Brittany and Drake were gone, too. Again, no one ever contacted us.
In February, C.W. called us to let us know that our materials were all good and everything had been completed, and we were ready for our home visit. The state of Michigan requires the social worker to visit the home and meet all the residents twice. I spent the whole week prior cleaning like a crazy person! On February 25, C.W. inspected our home, measured the bedrooms, met the cat and the dog, and spoke personally first with me, then with Matt. The only problem with our home was that the water heater was turned up too high. We lowered it and the home passed inspection. 3 weeks after the first visit, C.W. returned for the second. When she left, she said everything looked great and that we should be approved in a matter of a few weeks. That was March 18, 2010.
March passed. April came and went...so did May. Every 2 weeks or so we called C.W. to follow-up, and we were always told that as soon as she had her report typed up we would be ready. Waiting was AGONY. I had quit my job in late October 2009 so I could prepare the house for kids and be a stay-at-home mom for the children that the recruiter had said would be in our house "by Christmas." 8 months later, on June 7, 2010, we finally received a call from C.W.: our adoption evaluation was approved. We were finally finished with our part. C.W. told us to continue searching the M.A.R.E. website frequently and make inquiries about any children we would like to pursue.
The process boils down to this: you go onto the M.A.R.E. website to see many of the children available for adoption in the state of Michigan. If you see any you are interested in learning more about, you fill out a short online form and submit it. M.A.R.E. receives the electronic form and then sends out three "snail mail" letters: one to you to let you know they received your inquiry, one to your social worker, and one to the child's social worker. If your social worker thinks it is a good fit, he/she will contact the child's social worker. If the child's social worker thinks it is a good fit, he/she will call your social worker back. (Apparently, there is a lot of "no-news-is-bad-news" in this business; we have been told a few times that if there is no match, it is not confirmed. You just never get called back.) So your social worker and the child's social worker have a meeting and compare notes. If they both think there might be a fit, then you receive a copy of the child's file to read for yourself (M.A.R.E. only posts the very basic information about the child for privacy, of course). If after reading the child's file you feel 99% sure you want to adopt the child, then and ONLY then are you allowed to meet the child. You get one chance to meet face-to-face before you have to make a decision. This is intended to limit stress on the child, so he won't be paraded back-and-forth in front of a lot of prospective parents and possibly face a lot of disappointments. If you decide that you want to parent this kid, you are allowed growing segments of visitations (first for a few hours in his foster home, then maybe a day trip, followed by a weekend at your home, etc.) before the kid moves in with you, and a few more months before the adoption is finalized and you are put on the kid's birth certificate as her/his parent.
As of Monday, August 30, 2010, at 1:20 am, here is where we stand: we have submitted inquiries regarding 22 children and have received definitive NO's or the children have been removed from M.A.R.E. in 7 out of the 22 cases. We have heard no feedback at all for 15 of the inquiries we have made.
22 CHILDREN! We have asked for information on 22 children, and have nothing - NOTHING! - to show for it! It has been over a year since we made the decision to become adoptive parents. We have jumped through every hoop we have been asked to. We have been patient and waited when we were asked to, and we have made ourselves pests with repeated phone calls when necessary. Over a year of waiting...putting off family vacations because we don't know when "the kids" are coming. Skipping business trips with my husband because I don't know when the "the call" will come. Wondering if THIS will finally be the Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter when there will be costumes to make, presents to wrap, eggs to hide. Hoping that "the kids" would be here before school starts in the fall...now wondering if "the kids" will be here for the start winter semester. Wondering if I should go back to school or go back to work since it now feels like it may be years before I am a "stay-at-home mom" instead of a "stay-at-home nothing." Putting my whole life on hold, waiting for "the call" and "the kids," and unable to plan more than a few weeks in advance
As they say, the waiting is the hardest part. Heartbreaking, draining, stressful WAITING.
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl Sisterhood #134 |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| snowberryfarm |
Posted - Feb 13 2011 : 7:55:19 PM
I just read through this thread...what I dont really understand is why they are placing her with new foster parents? Why not just place her with you now? Makes no sense to me...this will just damage her more...multiple placements, etc.
I also wanted to comment about what you heard about foster/adopt-infants and younger children. We are licensed foster parents, we take infants-2 year olds. We have two baby girls currently. We are also foster/adopt so they place babies with us that will most likely go to adoption. There is a huge need here for this, and many many families end up adopting the children placed with them. Yes, of course, they do try and get reunification, but so often, the bio parents just don't comply, and the dept. knows these little ones need permanancy. It takes a lot of patience, but it is so worth it.
Did you go through classes to learn about older child adoption/child trauma due to multiple placements, attachment issues, neglect and abuse issues? The majority of older kids in foster care need specialized parenting due to such instability/and trauma in their early years.
Best wishes to you!
Michelle
www.snowberryfarm.blogspot.com |
| prariehawk |
Posted - Feb 09 2011 : 9:03:49 PM
I don't know what to say , other than stay positive and God bless you and this little girl. I don't know why govt. agencies make everything so difficult. I pray that you get her soon and her life settles down. I once worked at a home for disabled adults, some of whom were wards of the state, and the state does NOT always have their best interests. Sometimes their caretakers were the people who loved them most. It breaks my heart to see children treated this way. Not to mention what it does to your nerves. Please stay positive and I'm praying for you.
cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
| MaryLD |
Posted - Feb 09 2011 : 8:29:42 PM
Hang in there, Jessie!
You have gotten some good advice here.
I wish you the very best in the coming days.
Mary LD
Haflingers- You can't have just one!
( I'm just one short of a drill team!) |
| KathyC |
Posted - Feb 09 2011 : 4:51:38 PM
Jessie,
I know it must be hard to wait but I think it was nice that the foster parents wanted you there - it would really show your DD that this is just a detour on her way to a home with you. If you weren't there she may have thought you were out of the picture so to speak. It may have saved her some worry.
The system really does seem to have problems, hope all works out very soon for y'all.
Kathy |
| Beverley |
Posted - Feb 09 2011 : 3:39:32 PM
i know it is hard but try really hard to be patient. DHS has never worked well... Tell her you will be together soon and you will get things done then and the right way. this is a mess but DHS does that really well. OMG, please sit tight. time will work it out. Just tell her everything so she knows it will work out... why is she being adoptable and not her sisters and brother? That seems weird too...poor thing!!! and you!!!
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
| Alee |
Posted - Feb 09 2011 : 12:33:38 PM
Oh Jessie! I am so so so sorry that this is happening! I makes me want to cry for you and your family. That poor little girl. She just needs a stable and loving environment! Hopefully the court system can get you all in quickly! Do you have your own adoption lawyer working on your side?
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| JessieMae |
Posted - Feb 09 2011 : 10:44:44 AM
UPDATE:
Yet ANOTHER terrible blow to the process of getting our DD. Yesterday we had a "permanency planning meeting" at the DHS office. We were told that the purpose of the meeting was to discuss transitioning DD from her aunt's house (where she has been living for the past 2 years) to our house. So were are all excited, thinking that this is FINALLY the day we find out when DD gets to come home, permanently. We walk into the meeting room, and there is a couple sitting at the table with their names and "foster parents" written on placards in front of them. Ummm...foster parents? We know who DD is staying with, and it is not them.
Well, DHS suddenly decided - without notifying us - that DD's current placement is unsuitable, so she will be pulled out of her aunt's house (where she lives with her aunt, 2 sisters, 1 brother, and a bevy of cousins) - and placed in a foster home with people she has never met. When I tried to object, I was told in NO uncertain terms that we currently have no legal rights pertaining to DD, and DHS does not need our opinion or input to decide what is best for DD.
Here is the backstory: DD has been with us every weekend and every non-school day since the middle of December. Some weeks we have her for 3 or 4 days a week. Around the first week of January, she tells me that her teeth are hurting. Now, she has really severe cavities in her two front teeth that are shocking to look at and that we obviously knew about, but this time she told me that her back teeth hurt. So I get out the flashlight and take a look in her mouth, and what I saw made me sick. One of her back molars is completely rotted away; all that is left is a cup-shaped shell. I could see all the way down to where the blood vessels in the root of her tooth were. Also, several of her other teeth are partially decayed or have large, visible cavities in them.
I about passed out. I showed them to my husband, who immediately ran to the drugstore for Children's Tylenol and Ora-Gel. To give you a visual aid of how bad the one tooth is, I was able to stick the entire head of an Ora-Gel swab (the size of a Q-Tip) into the whole cavity and basically fill the whole thing with medicine.
Then I start calling our adoption workers, demanding that this kid needs dental help sooner-not later. We get this kind of wishy-washy response, like "Yes, we knew this needed to be done, but the aunt is too busy and there's no one to set up or take her to the appointments." So I'm like, "Um, this can't wait...I'll take her!" So DHS sends me a letter and a card authorizing me to get medical attention for DD, and everything is fine.
The first dentist we see says DD needs at least 3 root canals and sends us to an endodontist. The endodontist looks at DD and says she needs 2 root canals, and the really awful tooth is far too decayed to fix and will have to be removed. So the next week, DD has a root canal on one tooth and I set up an appointment to have her most decayed tooth extracted.
Here' where the wheels fell off. The oral surgeon who will remove DD's tooth requires a release to be signed that allows him to use general anesthesia if necessary, and general anesthesia is NOT allowed by our current DHS letter. I call the DHS office, thinking that this is going to be just another faxed letter like the first, but it sets off such a firestorm that it has pretty much destroyed everything we have been working for so far. DD's legal guardian is actually her state-appointed lawyer, who gets this request on his desk seeking permission for us to have her sedated. Our names do not match DD's aunt's name, so he calls DHS wondering why people he has never heard of are seeking permission to provide serious medical treatment to his ward. DHS, realizing they are suddenly being asked why they are allowing his ward to (1) go without required dental procedures for almost 2 years, (2) stay long periods of time with people other than her approved foster parent (aunt), and (3) get major medical procedures set up and completed by people who have no legal right to DD, except visitation in preparation for adoptive placement.
SO THE POOP HITS THE FAN. DHS, in a classic case of CYA, makes an immediate order to remove DD from the negligent aunt's house and place her in a safe and approved foster home. In addition, they are now enforcing rules that up until now they have been too happy to ignore because it suited their needs nicely. We are no longer allowed to provide DD with medical attention, and our visitations are limited to no more than 10 days per month. Worst of all, the decision to move DD was made yesterday, her aunt was notified yesterday night, and she will be moved to the foster home TODAY. And because we are not DD's legal ANYTHING, we are not involved. The new foster parents requested that we be at the DHS office when DD is handed over to them just to assure her that we are still going to adopt her, but that is where our involvement ends. From now until the paperwork is processed through the court to place her with us in a pre-adoptive placement, we are limited to after school Friday-through-Sunday afternoon visits. We don't know how long the court process will take...our worker says 2-3 weeks; her worker says a month or longer.
So now everything is just a mess again. Don't know what to do (other than cry and eat my weight in doughnuts) or think or say. What a nightmare. 
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl Sisterhood #134 |
| katmom |
Posted - Dec 15 2010 : 6:25:43 PM
hey Jessie Mae,
I have been following along on your thread, so very happy for you. What a Blessing for you, hubby & DD...
Our daughter has just adopted her 1st daughter and is in the process of trying to adopt baby #2...it can be very heart breaking,,,but also so rewarding.
hugz
>^..^<
Happiness is being a katmom.
"Is it time for my Dirt Manicure yet!"
www.katmom4.blogspot.com & http://www.graciesvictorianrose.blogspot.com
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| Tall Holly |
Posted - Dec 12 2010 : 6:17:29 PM
One of the hardest thisngs for me in being a mother is being consistent. Knowing when to say no and sticking to it.
Congratulations on surviving a first test. It could have been much worse even if you might have been a little disapopointed in her behavior with your family. She will learn.... all children do.
Keep a sense of humor. If you ever need to just rave I am here. I am here to give you a hug adn pat on the back as well.
Holly
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| JessieMae |
Posted - Dec 11 2010 : 10:49:13 PM
Today we hit the skids a little, but DD seems to be assimilating into our family as well as can be expected. We took her to Frankenmuth (Michigan's "Little Bavaria") for lunch to meet my parents and sister, and we got our first glimpse of a character I've named "Sulky Suzie." While browsing in a doll store (taking her in was probably a bad idea, on reflection), she asked for several VERY EXPENSIVE dolls and was told no, we couldn't afford them. Then she began searching the store for something we could afford, asking over and over again, "Can I have this one? What about this one? Is this one cheap enough?" I told her no, no dolls this time, and both my husband and my mother reminded her that Santa was coming in two weeks maybe he would bring her a new doll. She then put on one of the greatest despondency acts I've ever seen...dragging her feet, pulling her face inside her hood, refusing to say goodbye to my family when they left, and leaning hopelessly on my husband with a totally crushed look on her face. This was the first time we said "no" to her, and I'm afraid she was beginning to look at us like the rich people who come get her every weekend and buy her things. (We're certainly not rich, but compared to where she's living now we must look like Daddy and Mrs. Warbucks to her!) She stayed that way for about two hours, until my husband's cajoling brought her around and she was able to pick out her own Christmas stocking and name ornament for the tree (which we had planned on purchasing). By the time we got home, "Sulky Suzie" had disappeared and she spent the rest of the afternoon playing Legos and coloring with my husband.
I'm glad it happened so we could get our first look at her outside of the "honeymoon," and it gave my husband and I a great inside look at our up-til-now untested parenting styles. I'm definitely the heavy, saying things like, "Sit flat on your butt and straight at the table," "You must try one bite of squash and then I'll leave you alone about it," "Say 'excuse me,'"and a flat-out "No, we won't be buying a doll today." On the other hand, DD has my husband wrapped around her little finger. He coddled and snuggled and cajoled her all day. Any time she got droopy or restless, he jumped right in like her own personal court jester. His remarks were more like, "Don't like the squash? Okay, let's color on the placemat," and vague answers like, "I don't know if we can get that $85 doll today." We talked about it after we dropped her off at her foster home, and we agreed we really have to work on eliminating our current good cop-bad cop routine. It's going to be tough because we have such different personalities; I'm "eat-this-organic-apple-and-let's-make-a-corncob-dolly" and my husband is "eat-lots-of-ice-cream-and-buy-expensive-toys." But there's a happy medium in there somewhere...we just have to find it!
Next weekend is our first overnight visit, and because her bed won't have arrived by then - stupid PB Teen, grumble, grumble! - my DH has planned a special surprise. He bought her a tent that fits over our Aerobed, a starry-night projector, and a fake campfire...and downloaded hours worth of nighttime prairie sounds on his iPod. (See what I mean about spoiling her? I would've made a tent out of a sheet and two chairs and put a punched tin can over a lightbulb instead of buying all that gear!) We're going to have a camp out...indoors! At first I was annoyed and wondered if we'd ever just have a normal day at home without a field trip or special performance, but even Grinch-y old me is getting excited.
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl Sisterhood #134 |
| Alee |
Posted - Dec 11 2010 : 08:47:34 AM
That is awesome Jesse! How is she settling in? Is she bonding with you and your husband a little?
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| Lessie Louise |
Posted - Dec 11 2010 : 08:43:55 AM
I am co happy for you Jesse, and how blessed thet little girl is!
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting them in a fruit salad!
Farmgirl #680! |
| sherrye |
Posted - Dec 11 2010 : 05:51:37 AM
this is wonderful news. so very happy for all of you. sherrye
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farm girl #1014
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| Mama Jewel |
Posted - Dec 10 2010 : 9:02:06 PM
Hi Jessie! I was just thinking about you today and wondering how the visits were going. This is so exciting!! I wonder if your state has a horse facility that works with sp needs children. It could be an awesome thing for your daughter. Next time you both are in our area :-) (see how I casually mentioned about you coming to visit again :-) in the town of Tumalo, about 10 min outside of Bend, there's a *wonderful* place called Crystal Peaks. My kids have been involved with them. It's so beautiful and run by a most wonderful person, Kim Meeder. They're rescued horses paired with children with emotional needs and it's all free. The kids do a small service project (like raking gravel) and they spend time learning how to brush a horse and pick out its hooves, etc and then ride along in a corral. Here's a link: http://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/ They're usually closed from Nov-Apr. She's also written two books (your library might carry them) called Hope Rising and a Bridge Called Hope.
I'm so glad to hear about how things are going. xoxo
Farm Girl Sister #1683 Living Simply & Naturally on our lil Sweet Peas Farmette
"Do Everything in Love." 1 Cor 14
http://www.piecemama.etsy.com |
| JessieMae |
Posted - Dec 10 2010 : 7:35:16 PM
Lyn, thanks so much for the offer of the coupons for BB&B, but I've already bought her bedding and all...from MaryJane's, of course! She loves the color pink, so I ordered MaryJane's Home "Vintage Romance" bedding from Belk. It seemed only fitting!
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl Sisterhood #134 |
| DvilleMama |
Posted - Dec 10 2010 : 7:15:42 PM
That would be so wonderful! We have another little 9 yo farmgirl-in-training in the group. She would LOVE to have another girl her own age. Most of the kids are younger- 6 & under- and mostly BOYS! I can't wait to meet you anyway but this would make it extra special! I still have those Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons if you want them. I brought them to the November meeting incase you were coming. They're yours! Just let me know. :)
Lyn
Farmgirl Sister #1574
Mid-Michigan Farmgirl Chapter
http://simplelifeseeker.blogspot.com |
| Annika |
Posted - Dec 10 2010 : 7:03:49 PM
I am so happy for you!!!!! Bring this little farm girl into the fold! Congratulations!!!!
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Palouse Prairie Girls Chapter
http://palouseprairiegirls.blogspot.com/
http://prairiegirlsjournal.blogspot.com/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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| JessieMae |
Posted - Dec 10 2010 : 6:53:01 PM
Thanks, Lyn! I hope to drag her along to her first Farmgirl gathering soon!
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl Sisterhood #134 |
| DvilleMama |
Posted - Dec 10 2010 : 6:43:39 PM
Oh, Jessie! This is so exciting! I've been thinking about you and wondering how the visits have been going. What a blessing for you, your husband and especially for this little girl. LOVE the new title!!! Welcome to mommyhood! If she's yours in your heart, you're her mommy regardless of the legal tape. Congrats!!!
Lyn
Farmgirl Sister #1574
Mid-Michigan Farmgirl Chapter
http://simplelifeseeker.blogspot.com |
| JessieMae |
Posted - Dec 10 2010 : 6:38:23 PM
UPDATE:
Notice I changed the title of my topic from "Adoption Blues" to "Adoption PINKS"...because it's a girl! We've had four visits so far with our DD, and another one tomorrow, and our first overnight visit next weekend. We're on track to become her legal guardians sometime in February, and she'll legally be all ours sometime in August.
Because she's still a ward of the state of Michigan, I can't tell you her name or post a photo yet, but I can tell you she's nine years old, brown haired, blue eyed, and really spirited! I think she'll make a fantastic Young Cultivator; last weekend's visit was to a Christmas tree farm to cut down our tree, and we found out she's a real animal lover, especially horses. She also loves our cat...a little too much, so we have to teach her how to respect animals and their autonomy and NOT treat them like toys  . She loves to play outside and do craft projects.
THANKS SO MUCH to all of you for your prayers, good wishes, and personal stories and support. They really worked, and gave me a happy ending to my "blues" story!
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl Sisterhood #134 |
| Princess_Of_The_Barn |
Posted - Nov 28 2010 : 7:42:26 PM
As someone who fostered for 10+ years and who adopted 6 kids out of foster care, I'm going to hazard a guess that this little girl has been bounced around all of her life. If so, you need to really study up on Reactive Attachment Disorder. RAD kids are a special breed and can try the most patient of parents. I've seen RAD kids drive a strong marriage to the brink of divorce. I've also seen the heartache that RAD parents have to go through. It's not easy. Some of the things that give it away are her willingness to call you "Mom" and "Dad" at the first visit, the slapping of the other potential adoptive Dad, and her running away. All of these behaviors a 9 year old should know are wrong and are hallmark of RAD behavior. She's already testing you. Don't blow it off. Trust me on this one. Delve into the world of RAD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder before you adopt her.
Livin' the dream! |
| Beverley |
Posted - Nov 27 2010 : 4:46:19 PM
wow the girl slapping the man and dumping the water are just ways she was testing them and maybe she was right to do so cause OMG if they turned her down then she was right!!! My neice had a hard life and came to stay with us one time and within the first couple of days was acting out and I finally just sat her down and told her we loved her very much and wanted her to be with us and were very happy to have her with us.. the change in her was almost instantly and from them on she was a great kid. so for them not to give her a chance they must be people wanting perfection. something kids aren't ever!!!hehehehe Oh she sounds like a girl who really needs you jessie and that is the best kind. Let us know if you need any help with anything for her. A big girl shower would be so much fun!!! Keep us updated!!!
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett Beverley with an extra E...
http://bevsdoggies.googlepages.com/ |
| Leilaht |
Posted - Nov 27 2010 : 12:09:59 PM
Oh Jessie! I'm glad you understand the difference between annoying and deal breaker. Even our biological kids do things like that. My nephew used to hit my sister all the time. You just correct them and move on. Sounds like the other couple have some growing to do. I don't think I would ever give them the chance to adopt again. No one, including children, is perfect. I'm glad you like her. She'll love you eventually. I'll add you all to my prayer list.
Liz
Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
Proverbs 31:25 |
| Alee |
Posted - Nov 19 2010 : 7:09:49 PM
Oh my gosh, Jessie! I can't believe someone couldn't understand her acting out. How scary and exciting at the same time this must be for her. She probably doens't have any idea how to truly act. I am so glad that you and your husband are going to be adopting. I know you will be awesome parents!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| DvilleMama |
Posted - Nov 19 2010 : 6:25:48 PM
Wow, Jessie! How exciting to have finally met her. It sounds like perhaps her behavior is a way to test you and your husband to see if you'll really stand your ground and become her forever family. I hope she's getting the therapy she needs. If in your heart, this is your daughter, don't give up on her. It will be a lot of work, yes. It will also be the most rewarding part of your lives. Many blessings to you, your husband and your hopeful daughter!! (((hugs)))
Lyn
Farmgirl Sister #1574
Mid-Michigan Farmgirl Chapter
http://simplelifeseeker.blogspot.com |
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