| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| walkinwalkoutcattle |
Posted - Jul 14 2010 : 10:28:13 AM
So, as some of you know, I'm expecting. We told my MIL when we were about 8.5 weeks along and let her know that we were ONLY telling our parents, NOBODY else. We weren't going to let anyone know until we were at least 10 weeks along.
Less than 24 hours later, his WHOLE side of the family knew.
I'm 11 weeks now, and I'm still really struggling with this and angry over it, as there have been other issues recently (Telling me to have the baby closer to her instead of the place I decided on, asking us to move closer to her, etc. etc.) My husband is very much a "mama's boy" and loves his mom dearly. How do I get boundaries set without hurting my husbands feelings? My MIL's feelings are not a very great concern to me at this point, due to her actions.
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com |
| 8 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| goneriding |
Posted - Jul 15 2010 : 8:50:44 PM
Oh, let me at this topic!! I have a PhD in this subject, so listen closely!! 
My hubby is an almost-former mama's boy. Yep, they can overcome it but his mama won't be happy, no way, no how.
The trick, as I see it, is to finally get to the point in your life where you're about ready to walk out of the door due to their closeness and then, with some forcefulness, tell him EXACTLY what is wrong. Don't mince words. Just say it from the heart. Be sure you have sat back and watched to ascertain what the problem is. My problem is that I'm a female who had the temerity to marry into his family. Okay, well, when I sat back and started listening to my SIL (who's had the same probs but my BIL wised up years ago) I noticed that ANY female that married into his family was basically ran off to the best of his females blood relatives abilities. In a Clift notes version, they can dish it out but can't take it. Long story there but you get the drift.
So, I pointed it all out to him, book, chapter and verse.
It took a bit for him to digest the info. After all, he's had decades to let himself fall into their trap.
BUT! in the long run, he has come around and will now defend me to them. I don't talk to his relatives at all and am way happier now. I don't care what they say about me, as long as I don't hear about it. I can guess because of the things I've heard them say about others, but as long as he's not carrying a message for me, I don't give a rip.
Actually, today I was thinking (between wanting to sell hubby or give him away...see Across the Fence section for that story) that I've been WAY happier with him since I put my foot down. Matter of fact, I couldn't think of one of his daughter's name right off the bat. That's how far removed I've let myself become!
Just realize, there are some people, blood or not, who you can't get on with. Just cuz you're married related, doesn't change a thing.
Best of luck!! 
For some 'venting'-type of entertainment, please read my blog, http://lostadventuresintrucking.blogspot.com .
|
| walkinwalkoutcattle |
Posted - Jul 15 2010 : 09:12:56 AM
Thank you ladies. Sometimes, it just really feels as if EVERYTHING is falling apart, and she's the common denominator.
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com |
| farmmilkmama |
Posted - Jul 14 2010 : 6:35:48 PM
I know it sounds totally cliche, but you've got to stand your ground. First talk to hubby to let him know how you feel. Hopefully he's on the same page as you...if not, then you've got a whole 'nother issue. It was exactly like this with my hubby and me and his mom for the first seven years we were married. Then we moved an hour away from his mother, and now she can only bug us on the phone. She's still crazy, looking for jobs for me when she knows that I'm home on the farm and homeschooling the kids, etc. Telling me what kind of car we should get, how we should spend our money. We're far enough away now we can either roll our eyes and say "uh-huh" or say "Um, no, that's not what we're doing..." etc. Now that we live farther away, she doesn't know about every little thing we do. But good Lord if she finds something out, everyone knows about it and she's got all the answers for how to fix the issue! I feel for you, I really do!! I think a good heart to heart with hubby is the first step and hopefully that will give you a clue as to how to proceed. :)
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.wakeupstartlearning.blogspot.com
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com |
| AmethystRose |
Posted - Jul 14 2010 : 2:27:52 PM
Is DH an only child? I would carefully try to find out if she is so obnoxious with everyone.
My DH was the second of three sons and a daughter. He was the second of only two to marry. It made a big difference when I became friendly with my sister in law and fellow victim and compared notes. MIL would tell stories about the others that were not completely accurate. She is gone now, and only DH and his younger brother speak to each other. It's really because of the wives. |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Jul 14 2010 : 12:13:52 PM
We didn't tell our parents (3 sets of them!) until after the first trimester...for a variety of reasons. My inlaws are pretty great, but they would tell the EXTENDED family, and it would be like our wedding all over again ("you should go to Janelle to get your hair and make-up done!" "We need to go dress shopping!" "You can't make your own invitations!" and so on...)
I think, I'd probably sit them both down (dh and mil) and say exactly what you feel--you don't have to be mean, you simply say, "look, I know you're excited, but I really don't want anyone else to know in case something happens or whatever." You can also say that you and your husband are really just getting used to the idea and want it to be really special for the "two of you" right now...and LATER, it can belong to the world.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| natesgirl |
Posted - Jul 14 2010 : 12:12:47 PM
I didn't make my feelings, boundries, or anything clear and allowed myself to be completely over run to the point we now live with my MIL. It was pure he** for me for over a year. One day I snapped. I got in the car and started driving, leaving the kids with DH. I found myself 5 states away 2 days later before I really got ahold of myself. When I turned my cell phone on there was of course a thousand messages. I finally broke down and called DH. After hours of crying and explaining, yelling and cussing, we finally got through it all and he has begun to see what is going on around him. For the last 8 months it has been an all out war with his mother, but I'm not fighting alone anymore. He has began to see when she puts me down or interferes. A MIL that is trying to make you change your life to fit her will be the end of your happiness and marriage if you don't put an end to it right away. There may not be a way to do it without hurting your husbands feelings and for that I am so sorry. My DH is still getting his feelings hurt on a regular basis because he doesn't want to believe that his mother would be so horrible to me and so disrespectful to our family. My MIL even called my OB/GYN and tried to force him to change my delivery time for our 2nd DD because she wanted to shower and dress-up first. It was an emergency c-section! My DH actually stood up for her to me and the dr until the dr jumped his butt for not standing by his wife! I love my OB Doc! Please, don't allow your life to slide downhill like mine did. The journey back to the top is miserable.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
| willowtreecreek |
Posted - Jul 14 2010 : 12:01:26 PM
I understand your feelings. I have the same situation with my husband and MIL only she lives 50 YARDS from us! We share a driveway we are so close! AHHHHH! I have things like this all the time. My husband tells his mother EVERYTHING! Yesterday we (my husband and I) briefly discussed remodling our bathroom this fall. Within an hour she was at our house with a list of phone numbers of people who install tubs and do tile etc. I seriously dont know when he had time to talk to her unless he discussed it with her BEFORE he did with me! Surprise, Surprise.
We are trying to get pregnant and I dont want to tell ANYONE until at least 10 or 12 weeks. My husband would probably want her over here to watch me pee on the stick! Well not really but you get my point! I'm walking in the same shoes as you are and I cant say there really is an answer. I think because this is already said and done with you need to move past it but in the future if you have more children dont tell her until you are ready to tell everyone!
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.eggsandherbs.com
|
| emsmommy5 |
Posted - Jul 14 2010 : 11:45:34 AM
Stand your ground and do what is best for you. It's hard to come between the hubby and mommy, but bottom line is... he's married to YOU not to her. Decide your boundaries. Be gentle. Be firm. But do it now, because once your lines are over run, it is next to impossible to get them back. =)
Do what you love, love what you do. |
|
|
