| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Jun 28 2010 : 08:50:17 AM
I'm really in a pickle...I've started to really resent my dh--I love him, but I don't "like" him right now. He was off work for 6 months, and was this fabulous Mr. Mom around the house, cleaning, doing dishes, doing all kinds of things--but now he's back to work, it's like nothing gets done, unless (it feels like), I'm the one doing it.
I've tried encouraging him, thanking him profusely, making a list, asking him point blank, and now, I've resulted to just being angry and nit-picky.
What works? He just seems so oblivious--and I'm frustrated because, well, the stuff has to get done, and he has 3 days during the week when he doesn't go to work until 4;30, and he doesn't have the baby. I work full time, 8:30 to 5 and come home and do all kinds of house stuff WITH THE BABY, and then have the baby on Saturday and Sunday and still manage to work circles around him.
What works in your house? Have you resorted to "chore lists"?
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| 23 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| MerryHeartSister |
Posted - Aug 23 2010 : 2:12:34 PM
I have an awesome husband. He helps a lot with dishes, trash, laundry, vacuuming, etc. Give them choices. i.e. Do you want to load the dishwasher or sweep and vacuum? Then we can both sit down to watch a movie or baseball game.
Farmgirl #1951
Home is a gift that should be opened every day. |
| knittingmom |
Posted - Aug 23 2010 : 11:18:42 AM
When you find out let me know (lol). I'd be happy if the food wrapers found themselves to the garbage instead of on the counter and socks in the laundry bin. Though he does take out the trash.
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" |
| jclambert |
Posted - Aug 20 2010 : 08:08:56 AM
Good luck with this one. My husband is not domesticated in any way, form or fashion. He will work like a dog on the ranch, as long as it's outside. He is completely clueless about housework and if he tries to help he usually just makes a bigger mess. (I think he does this on purpose) Sooooo, all the cooking, cleaning, blah, blah, blah, is mine. He will try if I ask him to but I've accepted that I married a cleaning disabled man and just make the best of it.
Judy
"Courage is when you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what". Atticus Finch - To Kill a Mockingbird |
| smiley |
Posted - Aug 16 2010 : 08:06:07 AM
If I could get mine to clean the house like he cleans his shop or the car, truck etc. I'd have it made:) |
| goneriding |
Posted - Aug 15 2010 : 6:06:57 PM
Oh, boy, well, I have a different take from everyone else. *I'm getting ready to duck cuz this might not be popular*
As most know, hubby and I both drive our big rig equally, but, when we are home, I do the girly stuff and he does the guy stuff. He will pitch in if I ask but I try not to ask. On his own, he will do things for me that I might not do for myself, like the yard or fixing a leak in the roof. If I were to tell him to fix the leak, it'd never get fixed.
I'm rather old-fashioned in that the guy brings home the bacon (hopefully lots of it) and the girl makes things comfortable for him. Unless I had to work outside the home, I woulnd't do it, let the guy do the work and you make him happy to come home, if you get my drift. I don't want him intruding on my way of cooking or cleaning anyway!
I'm multi-married too and the other time(s) I tried to be equal in everything and they ended badly, really badly. This time, I'm happy to let him do guy stuff and I take care of him and it's WAYYYYY better. I guess, in other words, that feminist stuff (Oh, you can have it ALL!!) didn't work out too well for me. 
*Okay, ducking and running for cover!!*  
For some 'venting'-type of entertainment, please read my blog, http://lostadventuresintrucking.blogspot.com .
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| pnickols |
Posted - Aug 01 2010 : 3:34:25 PM
Mine used to do more that he does now but i finally learned that men do not see things as women do and a sparkling bathroom and a clean kitchen are more important to me than him. Now on the weekend he'll do dishes or get up and help fold laundry and stuff. I just tell him what i need help with, I used to wait for him to jump in but that never seemed to happen, just talk to him, tell him what you need him to do. they aren't mind readers, if he refuses then you have another problem
our greatest glory is not in never falling but in getting up every time we do (confucious) |
| Leilaht |
Posted - Jul 27 2010 : 5:40:40 PM
Mine doesn't do dishes! He used to do laundry, but now he starts laundry. A load in the washer, one in the dryer, and there it sits. I do NOT understand how a man who spent 14 years in the military has turned into a total slob! About the only thing he manages to get put away are his dirty clothes. I asked him a week ago when he became totally useless, and he thought I was making a joke. Men do have more tolerance for clutter, but slob is intolerable. I have tried telling him, and he says "I work eight hours a day." So do I! We work at the same place. I work eight hours and then come home and do everything. I wouldn't mind if I didn't work outside the home.
Some days I think he is getting better...
Liz
Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
Proverbs 31:25 |
| knead2garden |
Posted - Jun 30 2010 : 3:58:48 PM
Wait a minute....You all can get your husband to do dishes?!...lol
I mean, if I can get my DH to put his dirty socks in the laundry basket he gets a good atta' boy football slap on the bottom!
All joking aside, you should tell him how you feel. Feelings are important and with out communication we all start "thinking" we know how the other person feels when we don't have a clue.
Hugs to you. It will all work out, just talk....
~Ashley
#1677
"In the end we will conserve only what we love; we will love only what we understand; and we will understand only what we have been taught." -Baba Dioum |
| Alee |
Posted - Jun 30 2010 : 1:53:20 PM
I had to have a big "talk" with my husband about this recently. I told him how I wasfeeling- that I would work really hard, giving up ALL of my days off to get the house livable, and yet in just a couple days he and Nora would make the house a pig sty. He stewed about it all day and we ended up having a fight but that aside I think the thing that really made him "wake up" was I said
"When you lived with room mates you wouldn't treat them like this. You did you dishes, did chores around the house and didn't leave dirty clothes on the floor in the living room! *yuck*"
It finally dawned on him when I said "I can't do it alone when you are going behind me making a mess and I don't want Nora to grow up living in a pig sty!"
It's been much better since and he has been a big help. Hope you get a good resolution with Jus! *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| maggie14 |
Posted - Jun 30 2010 : 12:05:08 PM
Teresa, my dad is the same way too. :)
Hugs,
Channah
Farmgirl sister #1219
Just a small town country girl trying to live her dreams. :) |
| frannie |
Posted - Jun 30 2010 : 11:41:15 AM
i wish i knew the answer to this.
thats all, i wish i knew the answer to this.
love
frannie in texas
home of "green"crafts,
where no scrap is left behind
(http://abunnystale.wordpress.com/)
www.angeltree.etsy.com
check out the farm at:
www.localharvest.org/farms/M24434 |
| 4forMe |
Posted - Jun 30 2010 : 07:31:04 AM
After 13 years of marriage, and 5 children together, I have realized that my DH's definition of tidy and clean is drastically different than mine. Also he has a greater tolerance for clutter and chaos than I. My DH doesn't really "see it" and gets annoyed with me when I have a meltdown over housework. He will help when I ask him....but if I let myself get angry and begin "nitpicking" he is less likely to volunteer to help me.
Sewing, knitting, gardening mom of 5. |
| njaw09 |
Posted - Jun 29 2010 : 5:31:58 PM
We (my husband) discuss of what I could do and can't do. He paid for all the "bills" & finance and take care of all the front/back yard (mowing the lawn, cutting the branches....is not everyday so he can't use that excuse) I usually take care of the house (dishes, cleaning, organizing,...) Cooking: we take turns but I enjoy cooking. Also he does the food shopping (I can't drive)...if I shop it is usually at the city (NY). Once in awhile we shop together but otherwise it is his job. I tell him upfront of what is possible or impossible. We both work monday through friday. If I can't finish or take care of a chores I do it the next day or two, House chores is never ending so sometimes I give myself or him a slack. |
| msdoolittle |
Posted - Jun 29 2010 : 3:28:36 PM
Teresa, my DH is the exact same way, actually. Now, let me also add that I have been married 3 times. This is how I know about the 'hubby training'. Lol.
Let me tell you, I KNOW I'm spoiled. I got this one pre-trained and everything! Woohoo! Lol.
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
| 1badmamawolf |
Posted - Jun 29 2010 : 3:03:19 PM
I guess I was really spoiled by my late hubby, I have never had to ask him to do anything, if something needed doing, and he saw that, even dishes or housetrash, he just did it, and yes he did work off the place 4-6 days aweek (he was a diesel mechanic), but that made no difference to him. As he put it, "Honey you work here all day with all the daily have to be done chores, with 4 kids hanging on for the ride", so if you need help, I will always be there. My sons all grew up to be the same way, they cook, clean and change diapers when their kids were babes, and continue to pull at least half the weight. I think it is something that men learn as they grow up, if its not taught, it will be a [bleep] to change them, but hopefully not to late to teach your young ones. Good luck Girls...
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
| msdoolittle |
Posted - Jun 29 2010 : 1:35:17 PM
Lol, I am sooooo happy when my DH does the dishes, because I hate doing them! Honestly, I have been told by him that he feels really 'special' when I tell him what a great job he does, so...I know that laundry/dishes/household cleaning come naturally to us, but I think men appreciate an extra pat on the back (and of course, we do, too from time to time!) They're funny little critters! :0)
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
| Sarahpauline |
Posted - Jun 28 2010 : 9:33:09 PM
Im just going to throw this out there. What if you put a list on the fridge of all the things THE FAMILY has to do that day. Maybe if he could see what all was on that list he would realize that he should pitch in and do some of them. My husband always felt he was doing me a favor when he did the dishes too.
Oh Mr Darcy!
www.SarahPauline.com
www.AbraxasBaroque.com
www.whimsyscents.com |
| farmmilkmama |
Posted - Jun 28 2010 : 6:46:34 PM
Ditto to what Amanda said ;) I learned a long time ago in a class that mean are compartmental thinkers and women are global thinking. That's why we can do a thousand things at once and men can only focus on one thing. Makes for an interesting set up in a house, eh? My husband works nights and if he's in "getting ready for work" mode, that's all he can do. If the kids ask him to do something, its like he's totally thrown off. It's kind of funny, actually ;)
I agree that giant lists of honey do tasks aren't well received. I don't know that I would want my husband to hand me a list of 40 things to do either. But I also know that there are some guys out there who don't get even the most obvious "hint" and when you come straight out and say "Dude, could I get a little help here?" they feel like you're nagging. I'm not sure what the remedy is. Probably depends on the guy, the gal, and the relationship. Hopefully you can put together a whole string of the ideas here and come up with something great! (And then let us all know what worked for you!!)
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.wakeupstartlearning.blogspot.com
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Jun 28 2010 : 1:31:55 PM
Amanda, you cracked me up! I swear...that "Burning eyes of death" look has been given A LOT this past week!!!! I really do hate to walk around huffing and puffing, rolling my eyes when he says something--it's not very nice, but then I think, "well, HE'S not very nice!" And you're right, women are incredible multi-tasker's.
He called a few minutes ago and casually mentioned he'd done the dishes...I said "thanks" and moved on :) I don't mind giving credit where credit is due, but geez, this is normal stuff..now if he put up the plate wrack in the kitchen like I'd asked him to months ago, that would earn him a whole lotta accolades!!!
Think a heart to heart over his favorite dinner just might do the trick...for a little while, anyway...
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| msdoolittle |
Posted - Jun 28 2010 : 12:56:18 PM
Hi Jonni!
A. Men ARE oblivious! No offense to them, but they just are. Men do not 'pick up' on the 'context clues' that women leave for them.
B. Men are not multi-taskers like women are. We sew a dress, splint a leg, and cook dinner with a baby on our hip and two toddlers hanging from are ankles, and well....they just can't. Not in the same way that we can.
My simple solution for you would to be an honest heart-to-heart. Trust me, I'd rather eat my own toenails than have a heart-to-heart sometimes, but I think this is where we women mess up pretty often. Since men don't pick up on the 'Burning eyes of Death' look or the way we are slamming around pots in the kitchen, they have to be told what is really going on. This is like one of those, "When you don't _________, I feel ________" moments.
I really feel that you guys need to have a Date Night, sit down at a great restaurant and tell him exactly what you're telling us. I admittedly come to tears sometimes when I say how I feel because I let things build up for way too long!
Oh, and just a thought: My best friend happens to be a man, and his wife makes lists for them. He typically ignores/burns them because they irritate the mess out of him. However, if she would oh-so-sweetly ask, I know he would do anything for her. Also, women tend to have very, very long 'Honey Do' lists. Men respond better when they're given one specific task...just some thoughts!
Good luck!!!
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
| natesgirl |
Posted - Jun 28 2010 : 11:39:53 AM
I have to 'remind' my DH that we have work to do. I usually have to do it 5-10 times a day, but he understands I have to keep bringing it up to stay on track. I also tend to groan some when I stand up and kinda loudly announce that I have to get back to work. I still out work him a lot, but I get more help when I keep him focused.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Jun 28 2010 : 10:41:32 AM
mine is, too, Diane. Maybe a list would be the way to go? I hate the idea because on one hand, it seems like I'm being bossy, but then I hate the alternative even more!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| Fiddlehead Farm |
Posted - Jun 28 2010 : 10:16:43 AM
My DH is ADHD and can only do things when I list them. He them checks off when done. This is the only way to get him to help. I had a real hard time with it at first, but now I realize this is the only way he can focus.
Age only matters if you are wine or cheese.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922 |
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