| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Canadian farmgirl |
Posted - Apr 05 2010 : 10:52:28 AM
I need some farmgirl sisterhood support on this, so here goes.
My father-in-law passed away Feb. 1, 2010 (at the age of 90). My husband's family has all gotten along reasonably well, for six kids. This family asked me to say the eulogy at the funeral (because none of them felt up to it), which I did very eloquently (not boasting, just need you to know it went well), as many people commented to us afterwards. He was not able to be buried, due to the winter conditions, and a spring burial was planned.
This weekend, on Saturday April 10, it is my mother-in-law's 86th birthday. Her one daughter that lives in the USA is coming up for the birthday. The family has quickly made arrangements for the burial to be done on April 10, so she could be here for it. Yes, it's being done on his wife's birthday.
Ok, so I normally work Saturdays, but get the occasional one off, and I happen to have the 10th off, so luckily it works out that I will be able to attend the burial. Now here's where I am having trouble. The daughter from the US has decided that only the immediate family will celebrate her mom's birthday later that day. No spouses or grandchildren are allowed (these are young adults). WHAT? Why are we suddenly being shunned from celebrating the birthday? She says she just wants her mom to have only her own kids around, that they have not had a chance to be together since the death without the other family around. Apparently this is done in the family she married into.
I can't help but feel a little hurt here. Where I come from, when you get married, your spouse becomes part of the family all the time. You don't just pick and choose when you want to be married. (Her spouse is not coming for this trip). My kids are upset that they can't be with their grandmother on her birthday. I feel like am I good enough to do the eulogy for them, attend the burial, but not good enough to get to celebrate her birthday? I am annoyed at my husband for just going along with all this, and not questioning anything. And I really thought a lot of this SIL, we always got along very well.
Is this just grief being acted out in a way that I can't understand? I am doing a lot of biting my tongue right now. Might not have a tongue left after Saturday...!
Lori
P.S. I have made plans to go to see my sister when they are having this get-together.
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| arenecombs |
Posted - May 07 2010 : 9:59:50 PM
Things like this make me glad my husband is an only child. Even if I have to bare all the presure of not giving them grandchildren. |
| goneriding |
Posted - Apr 29 2010 : 6:26:14 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Faransgirl
I was speaking to a friend of mine and she said something similar happened with her MIL. While the daughter was spending quality time alone with the Mom just after the death of the husband she talked the Mom into changing her will and when she left she took everything valuable that was small enough to carry home with her. Don't know if that might be what's up but for this family it was a huge deal and the sister (who was never around when something was needed) ended up with "everything". Just wanted to pass it on.
Hope things go well and if you are close to the Mother in law and she doesn't know what is going on, she may be hurt that someone didn't tell her before the 10th.
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer".
Bingo, I think we have a winner!! After dealing with my in-laws and hubby's family, ANYthing is possible but I think you're the closest! Sad to say.
Just do the best you can and chin up. I feel for you, I really do.
For some 'venting'-type of entertainment, please read my blog, http://lostadventuresintrucking.blogspot.com .
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| Old Spirit |
Posted - Apr 29 2010 : 5:50:41 PM
Lori prayers out to you and your Dad and family. Toss the other behind you and look forward and deal with what is going on now.
Take care
Rae
Farm Girl #647
...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles:...
Isaiah 40:31
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| Canadian farmgirl |
Posted - Apr 29 2010 : 09:08:48 AM
The day before the burial, they decided to have a family lunch back at my MIL's house, which everyone was to attend, so it made it possible for her to see us all. They had their private supper, and she did not mention anything about who was and wasn't invited, so I guess it was ok with her.
The next day my dad went into ICU and is gravely ill right now, so this (above) situation has quietly been put to rest, and I am now dealing with my own family stress. (see prayer request, another different thread)
Thanks again for all your help,
Lori
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
| smiley |
Posted - Apr 28 2010 : 4:37:41 PM
Is everything better now? |
| homsteddinmom |
Posted - Apr 28 2010 : 1:59:03 PM
how did everything go?? was any questions asked by your mil?
Homesteading Mom in East Texas. Raising chickens, Rabbits and goats here on my farm! |
| delicia |
Posted - Apr 10 2010 : 2:34:57 PM
Lori, I am thinking of you this weekend and hope that you have some peace. This weekend will pass and you will still have your family and know that you took the high less often traveled road. I will pray for you and am sending you all kinds of love and hugs.
delicia |
| CountryBorn |
Posted - Apr 09 2010 : 07:18:13 AM
I am glad for you that you have made a decision and are fine with it. I am still trying to figure out why in the heck they ever decided to have the fathers burial on her birthday in the first place??? Then to have a birthday party??? I don't know about you, but a birthday party would be just about the last thing I'd want after I buried my husband. By the way, my whole family was born in Canada and I never heard of this one before. Sorry, I was just so dumbfounded by the families reactions to this, it just sounds so very odd. I really am glad you are happy with your decision and you will probably have a nice quiet stress free visit with your MIL very soon.That is what is really important, that she knows you are there for here and care.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
| Canadian farmgirl |
Posted - Apr 08 2010 : 09:46:37 AM
Thank you all for your insight and sharing your experiences. I have thought about this all week, and it's just not worth making a big scene over, hurtful as it is.
I think you are right, men just don't want to make waves, and perhaps women take things more personally than they do. I really don't think there is a hidden agenda, and my MIL is a pretty tough lady so I don't think she's going to be talked into anything. As for the will, it's pretty cut and dried, and I haven't heard any problems with that.
I don't know if anyone has asked Grandma what she wants. I am not bringing the subject up to DH any more. I have to think of my future, not just this one day. I'll just stay in the background this weekend, and hopefully this will not be a repeat performance for every event that comes up.
I am thinking of my FIL in all this, and he would not want to see a big family drama unfold. So, I am going to be a lady, take the high road, and just let it slide.
Lori
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
| Melina |
Posted - Apr 08 2010 : 07:24:56 AM
I think Beth may have hit the nail on the head. It came to mind that in this closed atmosphere there will be opportunity to divvy up keepsakes, put pressure on to change will, etc. I also know of a family that used this kind of a situation to do an intervention and try to get the parent to sell the house and move into assisted living(it didn't work). I'd bet money there's an agenda.
The morning breeze has secrets to tell you. Do not go back to sleep.
Rumi |
| delicia |
Posted - Apr 08 2010 : 06:57:29 AM
Could you maybe plan a party for the day after that would include everyone. When dealing with emotions there is not right or wrong and why upset the Mom if it can be avoided. Who knows why people do what they do and this is a hurtful thing but, try to find a solution and talk to the sister in law and let her know how this hurt you. If you can find a way to keep everybody happy and not cause further upset that will last I think that is the best way.
delicia |
| debtea2 |
Posted - Apr 07 2010 : 6:23:04 PM
don't feel to bad i have a sister in law who is worse and it took years for my husband to
realize it but some men don't like to make waves and just go along woth whatever..
did anyone bother to ask the mother what she wanted?
prayers and patience
deborah
http://jerseyfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
inch by inch we find our way
jersey farmgirl
#1330
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| Faransgirl |
Posted - Apr 07 2010 : 1:53:33 PM
I was speaking to a friend of mine and she said something similar happened with her MIL. While the daughter was spending quality time alone with the Mom just after the death of the husband she talked the Mom into changing her will and when she left she took everything valuable that was small enough to carry home with her. Don't know if that might be what's up but for this family it was a huge deal and the sister (who was never around when something was needed) ended up with "everything". Just wanted to pass it on.
Hope things go well and if you are close to the Mother in law and she doesn't know what is going on, she may be hurt that someone didn't tell her before the 10th.
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer". |
| AmethystRose |
Posted - Apr 06 2010 : 6:57:50 PM
Lori, if you and your children have a good relationship with your MIL, that's all that is important. Let the SIL do the grandstanding for a few days, then go home. You are nearby if she needs you. Maybe stop by on the 9th with a small gift of flowers or a potted plant, and say "see you tomorrow", meaning at the burial.
If your relationship is good enough, maybe some day your MIL might comment on it, then you can calmly tell her the story. |
| knittingmom |
Posted - Apr 06 2010 : 5:10:34 PM
That is kind of odd, how do the other kids feel about it? Usually when you marry into a family you're considered part of it.
But depending on personalities it might just be wise to let it slide.
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" |
| classygram |
Posted - Apr 06 2010 : 05:46:42 AM
Lori, my prayers continue that this will all be ok. I just hope and pray that MIL doesn't get hurt in all of this. For myself it would hurt me if only my children came and the IL's and grandchildren were not there. They are my family and belong at my home anytime. This is very touchy if you don't have your DH behind you. Be careful, sweet one. It could all be blamed on you. Take it to the Lord.
HUGS~~~Brenda
"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are small matter compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson |
| Canadian farmgirl |
Posted - Apr 06 2010 : 05:14:31 AM
Thanks, everyone, for all your insight. I think you have touched on a lot of things I was wondering about, too.
We have been married 22 years. I had my MIL over for Easter dinner, and I wondered if she even knows what's going to take place, but I didn't want to bring it up and upset her. Not all of her children have kids, and one is separated, and the eldest is battling severe depression right now so he can barely make his own decisions, let alone stand up against this.
As for talking to my husband, he has a very short fuse and gets very angry if I question things, especially when it's his family. He's also 10 years older than me, and somehow when we are having a disagreement he always wins. It's hard to explain. He just says I'm making this into a big deal when it's very simple.
There's something else they are doing (or I should say NOT doing). At the funeral, their cousin, who lives 2.5 hours away, told everyone several times that she wanted to attend the burial. When DH told me when the burial was, I immediately said that someone needed to let his cousin know. He said they are not going to tell her, because of the birthday thing afterwards, and it would just be awkward. I just don't know about this family! What is their cousin going to feel like, when she finds out later that her uncle was buried "on the quiet". I feel like emailing her, but they'll know it was me.
I think you have touched on something else, too. My MIL lives about 2 miles from us, so we are the closest to her, and we are there for her a lot. Maybe there IS guilt about being farther away. This SIL is driving up Wednesday, and staying until Monday, so she is going to have lots of time alone with her mom. Her husband has to work, and can't get away for this much time, that's why he's not coming. But the family always badmouths him when he's not there, so I feel badly for him. He was there for the funeral, and their two daughters, too.
This birthday celebration is being held at Grandma's farmhouse, which is smallish, so maybe that's why they want to limit the numbers. It seems like they just want it to be like the "old days". But, you know, it will never be the old days again.
I was thinking about seeing Grandma on the 9th. But I don't want to upset her and blatantly tell her I'm not invited on the 10th.
Going to be a looong week.
Lori
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
| natesgirl |
Posted - Apr 05 2010 : 7:04:23 PM
Lori, I can truly sympathize with you. I am married into one of "those" families. I was even told by my MIL that whether my husband moved us into his dads house after he had passed that it was none of my business. She told me I wasn't a Burnette! I asked her why not and she said I only married into the name. I pointed out that she wasn't a Burnette either. She said she was because she had given birth to one. I made her furious by pointing out I was three times the Burnette she would ever be, I have three children. It's a control thing and if your DH doesn't stand by you and your children your life will be h*ll. Mine was for years. I finally took a hard and severe stand and my DH started to see things differently. He now stands up for his family, Me and the children! Everyone else is second. The Bible says to leave your fathers house and cleave to your spouse. We have lost close contact with some of his and my family over it, but we both feel our marriage and children are worth it. I hope you the best and only you can decide what is right for you and your family. Talk at length with your DH about this. Please.
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
| AmethystRose |
Posted - Apr 05 2010 : 4:26:18 PM
Was this sister in law at the funeral and heard you speak? Maybe she is jealous.
Where is the birthday celebration to be? She can only "non invite" people from her own house. I'll bet that there's some other reason that her husband isn't coming. She is grandstanding and taking revenge on the wrong group. How many people are "not invited"? Enough to have your own gathering at the same place, if it's a restaurant? Maybe all the "non inviteds" can send Grandma a big bunch of flowers with a signed card, delivered the 9th.
Guess how many people will be around for HER 86th birthday. |
| Faransgirl |
Posted - Apr 05 2010 : 3:22:37 PM
I agree you guys need to talk to Mom and see what she wants. Then I would talk to the sister and ask her what is up. I would also inform my DH that I am hurt by this and ask him why he is going along. I have in-laws that are manipulative and angry so it makes me more suspicious about what people get up to. If the sister wants to spend time alone with the Mom that is one thing but to allow some family members and exclude others is "not" ok. Just because her in-laws do it that way does not make it right for your family. And as I say since I tend to be more suspicious of in-laws I would wonder what it is she is hiding or is up to!!!!
Just me though I have really awful in-laws. LOL The tried to take my middle daughter away from me years ago because her sister were "high maintenance" and they didn't think she was getting enough attention. When I said "no" well, they haven't talked to me since. They do occasionally get in touch with my kids and ask them to come for a visit but "Don't Tell your Mom and Dad." Luckily my DH backed me up. I wouldn't sit by and let this happen just in case it isn't what Mom wants. If it is what she really wants that is a different story and her wishes should be honored.
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer". |
| classygram |
Posted - Apr 05 2010 : 2:30:02 PM
If DH mother doesn't know anything about this arrrangement and then all the in laws and grandchildren aren't there, what will she think?
"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are small matter compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson |
| Old Spirit |
Posted - Apr 05 2010 : 2:02:31 PM
I agree it isn't about the kids it is about the Mom and her day. Maybe the daughter is dealing with guilt and trying to shut out people that have been there????
Rae
Farm Girl #647
...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles:...
Isaiah 40:31
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| Marybeth |
Posted - Apr 05 2010 : 1:10:02 PM
Jonni, you are right on. Maybe ask the Mother if she wants the grands and spouses around her. I would bet she does. MB
http://www.smallcityscenes.blogspot.com
www.strawberryhillsfarm.blogspot.com
www.day4plus.blogspot.com www.holyhouses-day4plus.blogspot.com
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!" |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Apr 05 2010 : 12:45:17 PM
Makes me wonder if Gram even "knows" this is in the works. Seems odd that the other siblings would simply say, "alright, I can tell my spouse and the kids it's only IMMEDIATE family for Gram's birthday!" Sounds like the US sibling might feel a little over-protective and thinks it might be too much for her mother, burial, birthday party with all the kids/inlaws etc...but I'm wondering if she realizes she might be taking her mother's joy away?
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Apr 05 2010 : 12:31:25 PM
That's what I said too. What? Hmm... I don't know about that. People are strange. I would feel a little offended too. Especially if I were married a long time. And the grandkids. I don't know. I feel for ya. Maybe someone will speak up and get things changed.
Hugs, Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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