| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| goneriding |
Posted - Dec 27 2009 : 05:33:31 AM
Yep, I think I have it figured out.
We went to Christmas (Xmas from now on because it's easier to type) at the in-laws. I told hubby this was the last time unless I saw some real try on the other side. We hadn't been to their house since last May. Not long enough for me! I told him to go on alone, I couldn't deal with being around them, didn't want to ruin MY Xmas. Better to spend it alone than with them.
First off, you have to put your foot down and keep it there. To the extent that hubby may walk out. Gotta weigh those options, which is more important, being treated badly by his fam forever or taking a chance of losing him but sticking up for yourself. I go with the latter. Oh, yes, I have learned.
Hubby actually told them that I was his wife and they better start treating me better. His daughter did squawk that I glared at her.
Second, get that hotel room and tell hubby that he can still spend the nite at parent's house but no way in h*ll are you doing same. This will earn you a dagger look from MIL when you tell her. You look daggers right back.
Thirdly, step-daughter tries to snub you at first and you steam-roll right over her and ignore her first.
Fourth, don't take your coat off until you are comfy, always be ready to bolt out of the door, straight to the hotel. Make sure hubby knows what you're doing, straight-up.
Fifth, put all the manners your mom taught you on hold. Lose all sophistication cuz you're on enemy turf now and have to fight dirty.
Sixth, don't agree with ANY statement the other side makes just to get along. Disagree and almost dare them to disagree with you while sitting alongside hubby. Hubby is most uncomfortable. But, I dare say, I've been so uncomfy and miserable, I figure what's good for the goose is good for the gander, eh?? He can learn what it feels like.
Seventh, when MIL mentions the ex-wife, mention that you've heard she's a nice person (she is, really) and you have mutual friends....
Eighth, when you're ready to go, get your coat and tell hubby you're going. He can stay or whatever, you're going. No lingering forever saying goodbye either. Cut and dried.
Ninth, when people talk to you, don't make excuses for the fam and just flat tell the truth, warts and all. If they have treated you badly in the past, say so in the convo. No varnishing. Be true to yourself first and foremost. People will be uncomfy but better them than you.
I'm sure I'll think of other things but these are the basics. Life is too short to put up with nimrods. Hopefully, your marriage is strong enough to take this. I think mine is but if not, that's the way it is.
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
I have some other blogs in the works...please stay tuned and I'll let you know where to go! :-)
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| 10 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| paradiseplantation |
Posted - Jan 05 2010 : 1:43:38 PM
Winona - walked many a mile in your shoes, girl. The ex walked out on dh and the two kids, moved in with someone else, and didn't look back. Yet, I'M the bad guy with the inlaws. In fact, I got called a b@#$%^ at the top of one of my sil's voice, in the halls of a church no less, at her other sisters' wedding. Fortunately, dh yanked the three culprits outside and had a 'come to Jesus' meeting with them. They didn't know our own wedding was planned for just under a month away. I've been called just about every name in the book, treated like the cow patties I skirt everyday in the pasture, and have even heard 'strange' stories about things I did from relative strangers. Hmm.....I must have been drinking really hard on the day those things happened, because I have absolutely NO recollection of them ever taking place. DH doesn't remember them, either. How weird........ but, my parents instilled in my a backbone, and I know how to use it as a deadly weapon. And have. Now, we live so far out, we rarely, if ever, get visited, and when they do, it's been told that it is MY home and they will respect me while there. Or leave. So far, so good. They're actually starting to come around -- the twins even went so far as to come out and apologize to me for their behavior. They've had a chance to see how things really were, and are totally humiliated about their behavior. My reaction? "Ladies, I just don't have time to live in the past. There's too much work to be done on this farm today for me to go backwards. Behave yourself from now on and things'll be just fine." Good luck with yours, Winona. Sounds like you've got things under control, but if you ever need someone to stand by you, just call me. I'm always up for a good old fashioned righteous fight!
from the hearts of paradise... |
| piddlin sweetie |
Posted - Dec 30 2009 : 9:02:14 PM
you go girl!!!!!!!!!
Loved it and am glad you "have it figured out"!!!!!!!
Hey, its good advice for others that might need a little nudge in the right direction.
And I cant leave out it made me laugh.. as I could just picture it all in my mind of the events unfolding....Thanks... as I needed to "smile" today.. |
| goneriding |
Posted - Dec 30 2009 : 6:17:24 PM
****Superb advice! I really needed it a few months ago after being treated horribly, again, by my side of the family. It was so bad for me that I have been seeing a therapist. Everything you just listed Winona is what she's been telling me only you summed it up in one visit!
Dawn in IL****
Sorry, I couldn't make it quote you. I read your post wrong but I think that it'd be the same, whether it's your fam or his. They treat you badly, you're outta there. Take care!
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
I have some other blogs in the works...please stay tuned and I'll let you know where to go! :-)
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| goneriding |
Posted - Dec 30 2009 : 6:14:09 PM
Oh, my...seeing a therapist? That's why I wonder if all this is worth it for some guy/SO, what are we doing to OURselves?? I've read that stress is worse on a females' heart than on a male heart. It's more dangerous for us. Then when his fam is doing this on purpose, well, I can't see the up side. Please take care of yourself!
Well, maybe I should hang out my shingle! I guess I should have seen one but I talked to a lot of my friends and then it came down to "I don't give a rip!" (substitute another word there but I don't want to get banned...).
I did forget one statement to hubby that may help someone else. I told him that I have a set of pickup keys and a working pickup, I can go any ol' time I like. Don't try to stop me. My name is on the title and insurance too. That shook him a little, let me tell you.
I'm not trying to bore the snot out of anyone about my in-law troubles but from all the responses I've had over the months, there is a real need for a support system.
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
I have some other blogs in the works...please stay tuned and I'll let you know where to go! :-)
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| ddmashayekhi |
Posted - Dec 30 2009 : 07:51:19 AM
Superb advice! I really needed it a few months ago after being treated horribly, again, by my side of the family. It was so bad for me that I have been seeing a therapist. Everything you just listed Winona is what she's been telling me only you summed it up in one visit!
Dawn in IL |
| Roxy7 |
Posted - Dec 30 2009 : 07:26:54 AM
My MIL finally broke dh's heart this xmas. I probably dont have to spend another xmas with her again...maybe not any holiday. Its a bittersweet thing for me, but she tread on ds this time and hubby finally sees it. I have been taking her crud for years. |
| Kayce |
Posted - Dec 27 2009 : 11:28:35 AM
I think it is better with friends because they dont impose thier expectations on you like family does and because they are family we let them run over us so not to make waves. Friends we are more apt to stand our ground.
Learning to appreciate having a glass..not half full or empty..just thankful for a glass :) |
| Faransgirl |
Posted - Dec 27 2009 : 10:33:54 AM
For 10 years we lived in Alaska and Scotland. So we spent all our holidays by ourselves. It was so pleasant to have Christmas with just the kids and us then be invited over to friends houses for dinner etc. I don't understand the whole family thing either. Right this minute I am wishing we had stayed home from the family dinner yesterday.
Farmgirl Sister 572
May the force of the horse be with you. |
| goneriding |
Posted - Dec 27 2009 : 10:15:25 AM
What's funny/strange, on every board I'm on (even the horse boards), people are talking about Xmas and family. Almost without exception, my friends would have rather spent it with good friends and the get-along-great family, rather than the whole can't-get-along family. I don't really understand WHY people want to get together with PITA's who are blood rather than nice/fun people that make good memories.
Anyone have a bead on that?? I sure don't.
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
I have some other blogs in the works...please stay tuned and I'll let you know where to go! :-)
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| Faransgirl |
Posted - Dec 27 2009 : 08:38:35 AM
Winona, you go girl. I had a nasty nasty MIL and three even worse SIL's. After about 5 years of crap I put my foot down. First with the FIL. He came by once while my husband was gone and told me off. DH came home I told me what happened and my DH followed his dad to the airport (FIL was leaving for China) told his dad off. I got flowers and the man was great to me until he died. MIL never learned. After a huge fight with DH we have not seen mom or sister's in 12 years. They recently tried to contact my daughters through facebook and the girls ignored the requests. They were old enough to see what was going on and are still hurt because of what happened. It is their loss that they never go to know three of the greatest, smartest, wonderful girls in the world. It is too bad families can't be more accepting. I tried for over 10 years. Then I had enough.
Farmgirl Sister 572
May the force of the horse be with you. |
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