| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Amie C. |
Posted - Oct 12 2009 : 09:01:31 AM
I just heard through a facebook post from my brother that one of our sisters is pregant with twins. He didn't say which one, and I'm almost afraid to ask. I've got three sisters who it could be, and it would be bad news, worse news, and catastrophic respectively.
One sister is married, but has ms (can't really work, but doesn't qualify for disability either) and she and her husband had to move in with his parents when their first child was born. She can't drive, so my parents, my grandfather (until he became unable to drive this year) and me have to get her to and from her part time job.
Second sister dropped out of school after 8th grade, never got a GED, got pregnant at 17 and is now doing kind of ok (works two retail jobs, has a subsidized apartment).
Baby sister dropped out at the same time her older sis did, is still a teenager, living at home, working a part time retail job with no plans for the future as far as I can tell. No drivers license even, so my parents are responsible for getting her to work too. I'm really afraid that she's the one who's pregnant.
What makes this so bad is that my parents are already overwhelmed. They are caring for an unofficial foster child (they have no custody or rights to make decisions for him, just the brunt of all his care and the expense of raising him). His mother (an acquaintance, not even a friend) has been in jail for the past year, and she's going to be released any day now so of course she'll be on my parents' doorstep causing trouble.
My parents also provide free childcare for the two grand-daughters, even though they both work full time themselves.
And starting earlier this year, they are doing most of the caregiving for my elderly grandparents (arranging home health aids, taking care of their house, grocery shopping, etc, and personal care for my grandma who has Alzheimers). My mom has to go up, at minimum, twice a day to their house to do toileting tasks and check in.
I'm still trying to sort out how I feel about this news. I'm angry at whichever sister it is for being so irresponsible. You know that my parents are going to bear the brunt of the burden, because none of them is really capable of taking care of themself. I'm angry at my parents for not doing a better job raising us. It seems like they gave up on life a long time ago, and what message does that send to the kids? They just do whatever people dump on them without any thought for the implications or the need to take care of themselves. I'm angry at myself for not taking more time out of my own life to try to set my younger sisters straight.
I'm also feeling ashamed because obviously my own modest but respectable life is not at all attractive to my younger sisters. They's rather go the ghetto/welfare route that their friends have taken.
And here's the weird part: I'm a little bit jealous and wishing I could go back and do my life over. I always thought I had to work hard, take care of myself, not be a burden to the family. I went off to college on a scholarship and earned my living the whole way through. It was hard, and I didn't really accomplish much except the bare degree. I work hard, but I certainly have no brilliant career and can't afford to have kids myself. I should have asked my parents for more help getting started in life. Here I thought they would have helped me if they could afford to. But apparently they were just oblivious and if I'd demanded money they would have given it to me. I could have gone so much farther in life and been in a better position to help the younger ones.
I'm just so upset right now, I don't know how to react. I want to walk away from my house and my husband and just run off. I could start over in a town where nobody knows me. My family is such a disaster. I can't stand to "fake happy", pick out a baby shower gift, all that nonsense. Not again. But can I leave them all in the lurch?
Sorry to use up so much space, and sorry if this is offensive to any single moms out there. I feel a little better having written it down, and I hope you guys will understand. |
| 17 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Sarahpauline |
Posted - Oct 22 2009 : 2:18:27 PM
Angie makes a very valid point. You should be very proud of yourself for taking care of your own life. Thank goodness your parents dont have to be burdened with yet another daughter that needs so much support.
As sorry as you feel for your parents burdens, they are choosing to caretake. Enabling if you will, the bad behavior of the two daughters. Now the sister with MS, well, thats obviously not her fault. But even so. I am a single mother and I had to quit college to go to vocational school, talk about a let-down dream to support my son and myself so that I could work from home because my son had some developmental issues and couldnt go to public school. I made that work. I made that happen. If your sister with MS can work at a computer I can share some info that might really help her.
Give yourself a hug girl. Step outside of it all and realize that like Angie said, everyone is making a choice here. And aim your gifts at the niece or nephew, not the sisters. Whether that be paying part of a heat bill or a box of diapers. If you arent feeling supportive I would be honest and say "I cannot support your choice right now seeing how you are hurting mom and dad. I will be there for my neice or nephew but I cant be part of celebrating this decision" Poof. You are out of it and hopefully these badly behaving daughters have a moment of discomfort which they sorely need. :) Soap box back under the bed.
Not all those who wander are lost...
www.SarahPauline.com
www.AbraxasBaroque.com |
| JoyIowa |
Posted - Oct 22 2009 : 2:00:47 PM
Please don't take offense at this but: not your problem. Seems to me that's the end of discussion!
quote:
Originally posted by Amie C.
Laila, I know they *should* be adults and *should* be responsible for their actions. But none of them are doing that. They rely on my parents to take care of big chunks of life for them, even into their late 20s. My parents are being worked to death, and I have to sit by and watch. That has repercussions for me, whether I try to ignore it or not. I miss the family I used to have! I love my parents, and I would love to be able to spend time with them as they get older but they have no time to do the little things that people take for granted. So it's not about me trying to control my siblings lives. They could do whatever they wanted, if they did it themselves.
If it's not illegal, unsafe, or immoral, why not try anything once? Who knows? You may come back for a second helping! |
| britchickny |
Posted - Oct 15 2009 : 03:10:05 AM
Amie, everyone in this situation is an adult and are making "choices". Very often we look at other's and just shake our heads becasue we just don't get it. I think sometimes we have to let that go. You can't change the past so you have to let that go too. BUT...do not let what other's are doing affect your future decisions. They are obviuosly not in control of their lives and you are of yours. Stick with it. YES! That degree has value! YES! So does your life and your marriage! Your have put time and effort into your life, don't give up on it now. Oh, and you know the "shoulda-coulda-woulda"? Well, I always say that you made the right decisions at the time based on what was going on then. No point it looking back and second guessing yourself.
Let the family thing roll off your back, keep your head up high and as this Brit would say..."Go make yourself a nice cuppa"
Oh, and if you would like to get together and chat, shoot me an e-mail and we'll gab.
ANGIE
"Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance" JUDE 1:2
http://www.pinkroomponderings.blogspot.com/ |
| Beverley |
Posted - Oct 14 2009 : 8:43:42 PM
Your parents are probably very proud of you and like someone else said just feel like they don't have to worry about you. Be very happy that they have one daughter that they can feel that way about. Be proud of yourself and carry on with your life. You should not let their mistakes affect you. Your mom and dad right now probably do not realize that you feel the way you do because they are right in the thick of things. If you do anything you might want to point out to your sisters that they are asking to much of your parents. Maybe it will do some good and maybe it won't but at least you will be at peace with yourself that you told them and now it is their responsibility to do something about it. It is not yours. But it will get it off your chest. Sometimes that makes people feel better..
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett Beverley with an extra E...
http://bevsdoggies.googlepages.com/ |
| CountryBorn |
Posted - Oct 14 2009 : 3:13:04 PM
I think your parents are carrying a heck of a burden, probably thinking they are doing the right thing for everyone. What really needs to happen for your 2 sisters is they need to stand on their own two feet and take care of themselves their kids and their own problems. By being bailed out every time they never have to learn to take care of themselves. As for you, you are doing a great job, you know you are, and your parents know you are. Just keep taking care of your own life and living and enjoying your lives. I hope your parents wake up to the fact that no one is responsbile for others choices in their lives, especially if it is a bad choice made over and over again. They have enough on their plate taking care of their elderly parents. I pray for them to one day soon get to live their own lives.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
| Hosanna |
Posted - Oct 14 2009 : 08:09:43 AM
You know, my mom always says - about pregnancies - they happen for a reason. It may seem like a problem, or a mistake, or that the pregnancy will wreck some people's life - but in the long run, it's about those babies, and they are a precious, wonderful, amazing gift. Twins! Think of it. Yeah, it's not the greatest circumstance, but.....
My husband and I are unable to have natural children. Ever. Barring an act of God. So from my point of view, this is an awesome thing, and you sister is a lucky woman. But, that is just the opinion of a woman (me) living with infertility. What I would give to be in her shoes...................
www.happilyeverafterhosanna.blogspot.com
www.thewindofheaven.blogspot.com
www.CarolinaRoses.etsy.com |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Oct 14 2009 : 08:00:03 AM
Well, that's good news (sort of :)), Amie. Look...your parents have a lot on their plate, and it sounds like (to them) you're the LEAST of their worries, so they just don't (worry). In many ways, the "good one" often becomes the overlooked one. And it is so very frustrating when you see the choices that your sisters are making, and it's like, "What the heck?" I feel for your parents, though--they sound as though they mean to do well, but have little boundaries when it comes to how it will affect them and the rest of their family. I commend them for caring for that child, but at what cost? And then to have their elderly parents to care for, too....that's huge. I wonder if they ever want to run away to another town and start over...
I know that you feel like you haven't accomplished much because you don't have much to show for it, but you do. You are a crazy-smart intellect and incredibly creative. You have a roof over your head that YOU and your husband purchased, you have wonderful friends, and you have that education thing, which, doesn't seem like a big deal because of the job market, but it's huge. It really is. I for one, am glad that you didn't go the welfare ghetto route, because it just doesn't become you :)
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
| Alee |
Posted - Oct 12 2009 : 1:34:30 PM
That's good news, Amie! Maybe the extra babies will help her feel the need to find ways to better her situation?
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| Amie C. |
Posted - Oct 12 2009 : 1:00:18 PM
I just got some good news (kind of). The sister who's expecting is the best possible one. Not the one with the serious illness, and not the one who's super young and still living at home. So there's some hope yet. |
| 1badmamawolf |
Posted - Oct 12 2009 : 12:25:52 PM
You are not your sisters, you are not your parents. Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe and happy, ignor the other stuff. I know its easier said then done, beleive me.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
| DaisyFarm |
Posted - Oct 12 2009 : 11:54:52 AM
Hold your head high sweetie and be proud of what you have accomplished with your life, on your own, without relying on others. You have your dignity and that's important. Try and come to terms with, and then get past, your anger and bitterness. I am not saying it's not justified, I'm just saying that only you are the one that gets hurt by those feelings. Unfortunately you cannot help those that can't or won't help themselves.
Di
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| magnoliakathy |
Posted - Oct 12 2009 : 11:07:28 AM
Amie, it is okay to be angry and frustrated. It is also okay to not be happy about the upcoming babies and it is okay to not buy a present and pretend to be happy. If you have to meet your parents somewhere public to visit with them and get away from the others, then do so. If you have to go where everyone is present, be polite, that is all that is required, you do not have to take sides, agree or disagree, just be polite and leave when you want, even if the event is not over. It is hard to let go of those things you cannot control, and finally your parents have to stand up for themselves, you cannot do it for them. Just my 2 cents.
When you free your mind your heart can fly. Farmgirl # 714, |
| Windsong |
Posted - Oct 12 2009 : 10:42:07 AM
I agree with Laila. And that you can only be responsible for yourself. Everyone involved are making thier own choices.
Now I wonder about leaving your life...why have them affect that? It is your life. Yours to live, if you do not like it change it. I am thinking maybe your husband would want to be included. The children...humm, maybe that is some of this too. I read the posts on here and there are a number of seemingly happy people on here who have wonderful husbands and children and you can read that they struggle to afford everything. Life never gets perfect. I would advise to concentrate on your life now. It is the only one you have any control over. Make it a good one. No, a great one.
LaVonna
www.windsongwellnessandtherapyshoppe.com
http://sadiesfarm.blogspot.com/
http://healthtalkcafe.blogspot.com/ |
| Amie C. |
Posted - Oct 12 2009 : 10:26:15 AM
Laila, I know they *should* be adults and *should* be responsible for their actions. But none of them are doing that. They rely on my parents to take care of big chunks of life for them, even into their late 20s. My parents are being worked to death, and I have to sit by and watch. That has repercussions for me, whether I try to ignore it or not. I miss the family I used to have! I love my parents, and I would love to be able to spend time with them as they get older but they have no time to do the little things that people take for granted. So it's not about me trying to control my siblings lives. They could do whatever they wanted, if they did it themselves. |
| Laila |
Posted - Oct 12 2009 : 09:37:42 AM
Please don't be offended by anything I say but 2 of your sisters are adults and are responsible for their own actions. You can't be responsible for them. You are to be commended for what you did - going to college, etc. and making a life for yourself. Your parents need to speak up for themselves. Your teen sister - if she could drop out of school then she needs to take responsibility. You have your own life to live so go live it to the best of your ability. You go girl!!!! It is so hard when you see what your family members are going through and you feel you should step in. But remember - we all make our own choices. I hope this makes sense. Sometimes my brain and my fingers work at different speeds.
Laila |
| Alee |
Posted - Oct 12 2009 : 09:33:25 AM
Amie- My heart goes out to you! But I think you are an incredibly strong person and DESPITE your surroundings have bloomed and flourished into a wonderful young woman! I hope for your paren't sake that they can find some balance in their own lives and I hope for your sister's sake that they are able to find a way to make their lives work. *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| chaddsgirl |
Posted - Oct 12 2009 : 09:15:23 AM
Amie, I'm so sorry this has caused you so much grief. Family troubles are very difficult (not to mention touchy). I don't have any advice for you, but you are in my thoughts.
A person is a success if they get up in the morning and get to bed at night and in between does what they want to do. Bob Dylan |
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