| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| CherryMeDarlin |
Posted - Jun 22 2009 : 1:34:27 PM
..die a natural death?
I need some good ol' farmgirl advice! My friend, C, and I have been friends for, oh, almost 20 years. Her hubs, J, and my hubs have known each other since 1st grade. She and I have been through some really rough times together -- my divorce, her mom and dad each passing away, her discovery of a whole 'nother family, etc. We have kids that are like brother and sister, they've grown up together and are close. I am not gloating or bragging, but the hubs and I have always been more financially secure than they and have often helped them out in that area. We've done so with a happy heart and never expected anything in return other than a "thank you".
As far as personalities go, she and I are opposites. I've always thought that was one reason we got along so well. She's very strong-minded and doesn't mind voicing her opinion. I'm more laid back and hate confrontation. I usually keep my mouth shut to keep the peace, while she can't rest until she's said her piece.
Well, for the past 4 years, we've vacationed with them at the beach, sharing a condo and splitting groceries and money for activities, etc. Again, I'm not gloating, but they wouldn't be able to go stay at the beach for a week if we didn't go with them to split the cost. And it really is a generous thing for us to do because the hub's brother and his family live just 15 minutes away from the beach and we can stay there for free. Anyway, we really felt taken advantage of this last trip down. There were different little things that added up that left us kind of bitter. For example, they got in the condo before we could AGAIN and AGAIN picked the beachside master bedroom. This wouldn't have bothered as much, I guess, if every year they didn't promise that NEXT year, we could have that bedroom. And, we ended up paying more for our share. Our original plan was to split the cost on a 2 bdrm/2 bth condo because our DD wasn't going and while their son was going with a friend, C decided that they could sleep on the sleeper sofa. Then after my DD's wreck, it was decided she would go and she wanted to take a girlfriend, so I changed the reservation to a 3 bdrm/2 bth and we paid the difference because we felt it only fair. The hubs and DD were there for only three out of five nights because she had to come home early to take her ACT's and so C's son and his girlfriend moved into the 3rd bedroom after they left. It really irritated me that they didn't offer anything towards that 3rd bedroom, but I didn't ask, either.
But their son taking his girlfriend...last year we were to share a condo with them and we allowed our DD to take her then-boyfriend. C got so upset over us allowing the boyfriend to go that the friendship almost ended there. We placed rules and conditions on him going and had our reasons for allowing him. He'd just lost his baby brother and we felt it would do him good to get away for awhile. But C had a come-apart and questioned my parenting, so we booked a separate condo so she wouldn't have to bear witness to our bad-parenting. So I was really surprised when this year she allowed her son to take his girlfriend and not only that, allowed this 15 yo and the 17 yo girlfriend to sleep in the same bedroom together with the door closed. This double-standard is what has me questioning our friendship. She's really quick to give me unsolicited advice about my DD, but always gets her feathers ruffled if I try to do the same. She'll tell me something she's heard about my DD and if I ask my DD and she refutes it, then my DD is obviously lying to me. But the same rules don't apply to her son. She insists that he does not lie to her, but my DD tells me that he laughs at how C believes anything he tells her.
Then, there is another mama that my friend doesn't approve of. She's never met the other mama, only heard rumors and half-truths about her. And she doesn't like that I defend this mama who I actually have met and talked to and worked with professionally. C speaks of this woman with such venom in her voice and uses every opportunity to bring her up and bad-mouth her. Not so long ago, C was in a similar situation during marital problems with her hubs where he was going around bad-mouthing her and people were saying all these things about her and judging her on rumors and half-truths and it really, really upset her. I was angered by it and defended her. Again, this double-standard. But she believes that I should dislike this other mama as much as she does when I believe that you shouldn't judge a person you've never talked to or even met, especially when all you've heard are rumors. And I'm really disappointed in C because she should understand what this other mama is going through, having been through it herself. But it's like she doesn't see the similarities and I haven't wanted to point those out because she still gets really upset if you mention the problems she and her hubs had.
The last time this other mama was brought up was our last night at the beach and I felt that both C and J attacked me about this woman! I literally could not finish a sentence before the other one was hollaring at me! They kept bringing up things they'd HEARD about her and I kept trying to make the point that I'd actually asked her about these things and give them the explanations she'd given me, but they wouldn't let me finish. I tried to point out that people could make incorrect assumptions about our trip to the beach if any of our kids went back home and told half-truths about it and we could be judged as being bad parents, also, but again, they kept interrupting me. They both acted like they were so disgusted with me for defending this woman when really I was just trying to get them to see that the same thing they were doing to her could be done to us. (I have never wished harder in my life for magic powers to just fly off that condo balcony and wing my way home!)
Soooo...I don't know what to do. I had to ride home with them from the beach and things were polite. I haven't talked to her since. She saw my DD at the ballpark and was polite to her, even though I'd heard in "Rumor Town" that she came back from the beach talking about my DD and how she can do no wrong in my eyes.
I don't know if I should confront her about what has me upset with her. I'm afraid I've left her thinking that I'm just defending this other mama when really I'm upset at her double-standard. Or maybe I should let this friendship die a natural death as some friendships do. I'm really angry with her. Especially when I think of all that we've done for her. Then I start feeling like I've been used and taken advantage of. And I'm not sure of my true motives. I don't know if I want to say all of this stuff to her because I want her to understand where I'm coming from or so I can feel justified.
Should I just let sleeping dogs lie and if/when she talks to me again, I can bring it up then? Or should I go ahead and send her the email I've already composed, explaining how I feel about the whole situation?
Help? Anyone?
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Annab |
Posted - Jul 10 2009 : 03:30:16 AM
Guess its a sign of the times too 'casue if any of my parents friends had caught ME doing under age stuff and ANY kind, buddy, there'd have been a phone call to my parents that same minute and I'd have been busted a new one.
And as far as the shacking up part under the same roof.
I think some ground rules should have been established long ago. That could be said for all the issues here.
So it certainly has been a learning experience for shure....at the cost of a friendship.
Cherry, YOU have been taken advantage of pure and simple. And in my book, that's no friendship whatso ever.
I'd be bitter too.
Best of luck as to how you choose to resolve this. In the end, maintain your dignity, good manners and social grace..even if the other party cannot. |
| Bear5 |
Posted - Jul 09 2009 : 5:06:35 PM
Cherry:
Just read all of the current post. So sorry that there hasn't been any chatting between you and your friend. Oh, well... I'm happy to read that you putting things in order. That's how I see it. Good for you. Someone else out there is probably just waiting for a good friend like you to come along.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
| CherryMeDarlin |
Posted - Jul 09 2009 : 10:39:12 AM
Thanks, Anna! As far as the gas goes, well, they do pay for their own gas, but they always drive their car and ask us to drive our truck to haul the stuff that won't fit in their car. And we choose to do so, so I'm not sure I can complain about that one. It'd be easier gas-wise to drive my little Mazda, that's for sure. But her car is much nicer than her hub's truck, so that's why they drive it instead. Goodness, I hadn't considered that maybe that's another example of her using me. But I did let myself be used by agreeing to it.
I feel the same though, pretty nervy when they wouldn't be able to go and stay in such nice accomodations if it weren't for us, especially when it isn't necessary for us to do so. I don't understand why she's so blind to the obvious.
I still haven't talked to her. This is the longest we've ever gone without talking. I really don't see us ever vacationing together again either. Especially now that the hubs has put his foot down!
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
| goneriding |
Posted - Jul 09 2009 : 09:31:08 AM
I've read that all friendships actually have a 'useless by' date and that's about 7 years or so. Everyone else has said pretty much what I would have said so I'll leave it at that.
Winona ;-)
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
|
| Annab |
Posted - Jul 09 2009 : 03:47:09 AM
Sounds like this person has some issues that need to be resolved before she knocks someone elses family.
It's pretty nervy to be this mouthy when she and her family are vacationing esentially for free/.
Do they offer to pay for gas?
I'd say keep the "friendship" light, back slighty away and don't vacation w/ them any more.
Since this will probably come around next year you can 1. explain why or 2. say you and you fam would like to enjoy some better quality stree free time or 3. cut all ties
It's pretty tacky for her to be so judgemental and leech-like at the same time
Sorry for the hassle  |
| CherryMeDarlin |
Posted - Jun 27 2009 : 08:05:37 AM
Sooooo, Kate, you understand the "my child can do no wrong unlike yours" mentality! I have never understood that. Kids lie to their parents, it's part of growing up. Kids get into arguments, and nine times out of ten, they'll resolve them quiet nicely without parental involvement. Kids will tell their parents stuff about other kids to make themselves look "better" in their parents eyes. And kids will go around repeating what their parents say because little pitchers DO have big ears!
My DD will be 18 in December and has never once had run-ins with the police, never been suspended from school, never even really been in trouble at school other than being tardy, never snuck out of the house, and never been caught doing something she shouldn't. But I am not so dumb as to believe that she's perfect. I know she's probably lied to us before, stretched the truth to suit her purposes, or done things she knows we wouldn't approve of. From the time she could talk, she's told on herself though. She was around 3 and came to me while I was doing laundry and said, "Mama, you gonna be mad." I asked her mad about what and she just kept repeating that. Finally, I went in her room and saw where she'd colored on her bedroom walls. I looked at her and said, "Yep, Sassy, I'm mad." And then I made her clean it up and took her crayons away from her for a few days. Bring it up to present day and last week-end she came home from spending the night with a friend-girl. I asked her how it went because it was the friend-girl's birthday and her parents let her have a pool party. Sassy said, "Well, you're probably gonna be mad, but I drank some beer." I said, "Yep, you're right." And then I started asking her questions, did you drive, were you left alone with any boys, etc, etc. And I "preached" at her for a few minutes while she was hanging that beautiful head of hers from her shoulders. I didn't scream and yell at her when she was 3 and had colored the walls and I didn't the other day. And I think because I don't get too overly emotional about it, she feels more like she can come to us and feel comfortable telling on herself. So, I feel my friend should give me some credit. She believes because I handle these kinds of situations differently than she, that I'm not parenting well enough. If I hear something about Sassy, I don't browbeat her about it unlike how I've seen my friend do her son. And I think that makes a difference. I know that what works for me as a parent doesn't always work for every parent or for every kid. I guess what I'm trying to say is that parents should lift one another up and help one another out instead of judging and criticizing the others parenting. And to live by a somewhat amended Golden Rule: "Do unto others children what you would have others do unto yours."
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
| kissmekate |
Posted - Jun 27 2009 : 01:45:46 AM
Cherry and Christie, it sounds like you and I had the same friend!
I went through a similar situation about four years ago. The last straw was she blamed my daughter for her daughters emotional issues that were well beyond typical school yard spats.
Her daughter pulls out her hair, eye brows and lashes when she is upset, stressed or nervous. On top of that, she doesn't eat at all either, and she was/is already underweight.
If you met my daughter you would know what a joke that is, especially when the girls were eight at the time.
Her daughter is a neurotic mess like her mother. My former friend is so freaking anal retentive. Then you throw in a messy divorce and her freaky ex. and constant bickering on that end.
This poor girl is still a mess,and I feel pity her.
I finally told her "enough!", and asked her NEVER to contact me again. This was after a very heated exchange of emails, where she read things and twisted them out of context.
We still live in the same small town, so if we see each other, it is a cordial and polite nod at best, or straight up ignoring each other existence.
I say lose the friendship and spare yourself the grief and heartache. Ignore any comments that come back to you. Let her spew her lies, the truth about her will come out sooner or later. You don't have to be rude to her, but as my Dad says, "don't get reeled into her bs" either.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
| CherryMeDarlin |
Posted - Jun 26 2009 : 10:32:11 AM
Oh, Christie, I am amazed that you used the "bank account" analogy! The hubs and I had divorced and was about to remarry, but only if he'd go to counseling first. Our counselor used the exact same analogy with us about marriage! It really helped to put things into perspective for us. Not only do I not like parasites, I also don't like an overdrawn bank account! 
It so helps knowing that ya'll can relate to my situation. You are absolutely right about the videoing, too! She would definitely accuse me of being a pervert. Or even say that that wasn't her son on the tape!
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
| Calico Countess |
Posted - Jun 26 2009 : 10:11:00 AM
Hi Cherry,
I had a "friendship" once upon a time somewhat like this one...very one sided. It finally came to it's long overdue end when I started having my own personal troubles and noticed that when I spoke to this person, that I always felt worse because all she would do was dump on me. Yes, she had gone through some hard times, but the hard times were over and she was still wailing away about how horrid life was for her. She sent me an email asking why I hadn't talked to her recently and I sent her one back saying that I was going through some rather difficult times and had sort of withdrawn from everyone. She replied that real friends talk to each other....so I called her up only to find her in another dramarama. She told me that if I thought my problems were bad, to call her up because hers would always be worse. Sort of sums up why I quit calling her! ;-)
Long story short, there were some fireworks in the end, but the friendship is over. I am no longer being emotionally drained by her and her drama. As for C's son...well, I suppose in the end you reap what you sow. I really don't see what you can do about the situation, she isn't going to believe you unless you have a video tape of the event and then she'd accuse you of being a pervert or something. It's a no win situation. I'd just let this whole friendship die and she's going to have to answer eventually for a lot of things.
As one of my good, true friends pointed out to me, a friendship is like a bank account. At times you deposit, at times you withdraw but when only one person is doing all the depositing and the other is doing all the withdrawing, it really isn't a friendship anymore but more of a parasitic relationship. I don't know about you, but I don't like parasites! Good luck with this and keep an eye on your "bank account" ;-)
"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful" ~ Mae West |
| CherryMeDarlin |
Posted - Jun 25 2009 : 07:29:38 AM
Thank you, Marly and Teresa Sue! You really nailed it, Marly, about being the one who ends up feeling bad. So far, though, she hasn't contacted me. She's seen my DD at the ball park a couple of times and spoken politely to her. And her DS asked my DD if we were no longer friends. My DD told him she didn't know what he was talking about. He told her we had gotten into an argument about underage drinking. Just goes to show you how even within the same conversation, totally different things are "heard". Her side of the argument may have been about underage drinking, but my side was about her double-standard. She heard what she wanted to hear, I guess.
But I plan to do just as ya'll advise. Polite, but cool. The hubs is a very zero-drama kind of guy and he's extremely perturbed and even angry about all of this and usually he keeps his nose out of everything! But he was saying just last night that he wished there was some way to tell them about their DS and his girlfriend at the beach without betraying our DD's confidence in us. He said it just "burns his butt" that C is sitting up there on her high horse about our parenting when her DS is engaging in such behavior. Said he wishes he could knock her blinders off. I remembered what all of you have said and told him that we should just let it be. It gripes me, too. But what can you do? Absolutely nothing except take care of your own.
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
| Contrary Wife |
Posted - Jun 25 2009 : 06:12:09 AM
Cherry I am so sorry for the friend troubles you are going through. Just remember that her behavior has probably always been this way, right? You can't change her, but you can change how YOU react to her. Keep it calm, keep it at a distance. Polite, but cool. Just shut er down girl! Good luck, hugs.
Teresa Sue
Farmgirl Sister #316
Planting Zone 4
"Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly." The Dalai Lama |
| Bear5 |
Posted - Jun 24 2009 : 8:04:29 PM
Cherry:
I feel for you. There are some "so-called" friends who use their friends. I'm going through something kind of like that, but not to that degree. In the past, whenever I would try to talk to my friend about things similar to your post, Oh.... she would not have any idea of what I was referring to. It always made me feel like I was the bad one. No more. I just stay away. I will keep you in my prayers and pray that you will find a way to handle this. Keep us posted. We are here for you to vent anytime.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
| Mother Hen |
Posted - Jun 23 2009 : 6:01:44 PM
Cherry, on that one I'd just say.........sit back and watch. You didn't have anything to do with it so stay out of it now. And keep your distance. I have to move on to another topic because all the drama is playing like a movie in my head......all the things that are going to happen in C's family and that town over C letting 2 rabbits in the same hutch for several days. I mean, what did she expect?!!
Cindy
FARMGIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING!!!
I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Psalms 34:1 |
| CherryMeDarlin |
Posted - Jun 23 2009 : 3:05:42 PM
So true, Dawn and Brooke. I always did everything I did for her, Dawn, because I thought that was the true definition of friendship. I didn't do those things looking for or expecting anything in return. I just did them because I felt it was the right thing to do. Maybe she came to expect me to just do for her and continue to put my family's feelings aside. And it always does work out in the end, doesn't it? I am a true, firm believer in Karma!
And Brooke, I do feel like I'm grieving to a certain degree. My sister told me just today that she's always thought that C was hypocritical and she never could understand just why I was even friends with her. And my sister pointed out that maybe C is jealous of me and us as a family. She pointed out to me all of these differences between my life and C's life and how C's reactions to me can be seen as jealousy. I'd never looked at it that way. But the real clincher for my sister on the hypocritical point, my DD told me today that C's son told her that he and his girlfriend had sex 5 times while we were at the beach! OMG! The woman who sacrcastically asked me last year if I would be providing my DD and her boyfriend condoms, too, since we were allowing him to go on vacation with us had a 15 yo son frolicking it up right underneath her nose this year on vacation!! I truly, really hope he was lying to my DD (although C insists that her son is not a liar!), but what kind of kick-butt would that be? I know it is soooooo wrong of me to feel a tad bit gleeful over that little bit of info, but I do, God help me. On the other hand, I'm also feeling sympathy for C because that kind of behavior has serious ramifications and I don't know that I can be there for her when those chickens come home to roost. I would try to warn her of his behavior but I've learned that I can't just tell her something for her own information. She'll confront her son and he'll deny it and she'll believe him and then be mad at me for accusing him falsely and he'll be mad at my DD for telling me something he told her in confidence and although the friendship is obviously over between she and I, I don't want to jeopardize the friendship between our kids. What a catch 22!!! Ya'll got any thoughts on that one?
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
| lilwing |
Posted - Jun 23 2009 : 11:08:21 AM
If it were me, I would let it go and die a natural death - I had a friendship have to die because it was all one-sided though I knew her for years. It was a grieving process for me that I had to go through - actually for a few years before I really admitted it was 'dead' last year. It's still painful but I am 'okay' now. It's a difficult thing but I would really suggest to let it go. Like my friend, yours sounds very hypocritical. Perhaps even jealous. (just like mine was..) I am really really sorry to hear about it. It's such a sad thing. :(
~~~~
http://nightbirdtrading.etsy.com
http://www.stevietribute.com |
| deeredawn |
Posted - Jun 23 2009 : 09:00:41 AM
I hope this all works out. I had a friend in which we were polar opposites, right here on this forum and she broke up with me. I'm dead serious. She told me that she could not be friends because I was "bad" for her. Sorry. Her loss. I'm a kick butt person with a wide open personality. If they don't wanna be friends for the true meaning of friendship then it's not meant to be. In conclusion, I have about 4 super close girlfriends from this forum that would lay their life down for me and I the same.... it all works out in the end!
Dawn #279
MJ's Heirloom Mavens-QMD
http://harvestthyme.blogspot.com
~the only thing for certain, is uncertainty~ |
| CherryMeDarlin |
Posted - Jun 23 2009 : 08:41:30 AM
I knew all of you could help me with this! So here's what I've decided to do:
I'm not going to send the email. The main reason I thought of it to begin with is because I do find it hard to get a word in edgewise with her and I wanted to make sure I was "heard". But the more I thought about it, the more ya'll are right about the drama. And the email was fueled mostly by my pride. I realized that I didn't want her to go around explaining our falling-out as being over this other mama because it's not. It's about her double-standard and how she makes me feel used. But I'm just not going to worry about how she goes around telling it. Those who know me know me better than that and I'm not going to concern myself about those who don't.
The only thing that really gets my hackles up is how I've heard that she and her husband are talking about my DD and my parenting. So, Alee, I appreciate so very much your reassurance about La!! I really needed that!! ((((hugs)))
This is very hard, being that we've been friends for so long. I'm reminding myself of that little saying about people being brought into your life for a reason or a season. Maybe this season is coming to a close. I will do my best to allow it to close gracefully. But I did think back over the years and realized a few things ya'll mentioned. First, about it being a friendship of convenience, and yes, it could be called that. From talking to her husband on her behalf to money to help pay for her mom's funeral to vacationing with her "newly found" family so she would feel more comfortable with them, I've done everything she's ever asked me to do for her, and usually at the consternation of my own family. Second, about the drama; she is one who always has something going on. I've often remarked how exhausting that must be. And third, about the "keeping up with the Joneses", Alee. There is definitely that, but it's not just the material aspect of it, it's about the kids, too. If that makes sense? For example, her son has been in trouble with the cops three different times and she'll explain it as he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and completely innocent.
And then I got to thinking about the times she's gotten angry with me. Recently, she got angry with me because we went down to the beach a day earlier to spend some time with the hub's family. When I asked her why that made her mad, she said because we ALWAYS drive down together and she was jealous I was gonna be there first. And she also got angry because we changed our mind about taking our wave runner. J asked the hubs if we'd take it and the hubs agreed to. But then we started talking about it and I didn't want the liability of other people's kids riding it in the ocean, he was concerned about it getting stolen, and the BIL told the hubs that he didn't want to fool with flushing the salt water out of it. So we changed our mind. She asked me why we didn't bring it and I gave her those exact reasons. It was obvious she was angry and when I asked why, she told me because we had told them we were bringing it and they had promised their son he could ride it. That we never should have agreed to bring the thing.
So I do appreciate all of your help! I knew I could count on your wonderful advice and especially putting things in a different perspective for me! I'm not even angry anymore. I just feel kind of sad that she's losing another great friend.
(((HUGS))) to each and every one of you! And about the mutual vacationing? The hubs has absolutely put his foot down on that one, so no worries there!!
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
| Diane B Carter |
Posted - Jun 23 2009 : 05:40:09 AM
I would not send an E-mail as she could print out anything and mislead people with it. I would ask her over for tea and a talk and let her know that you want to discuss how you feel about your friendship. If she is a friend she will understand. Make yourself a list so you don't forget anything. Be nice but let her know how these actions have made you feel.
I have a BF of 30+ years and 1x we got into a spat. I had just finished shoveling the driveway. Which is big, tough to keep snowfree and I was tired. She came to visit and when she pulled in she started to clean her car off leaving snow in the driveway. I said to her why didn't you clean it off at your house 3 miles away? She got into her car and didn't speak to me for a few days. Then she called and I said I was just tired and unlike her I had to shovel my driveway by myself, as I was not married at the time and did not have a hubby who would do it. She said she never even thought about it and now she can't stop thinking about it. We both laughed and thankfully it never happened again. We do not speak of the incident at all. I can't image her not being a part of my life. Remember you get farther ahead with being nice than you do with being nasty. So just be nice but explain how it makes you feel. Sometimes it helps to say "I can't believe that this is how it made me feel, but it does." Can you understand where I'm comming from??
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
| Mother Hen |
Posted - Jun 23 2009 : 01:31:00 AM
Cherry, maybe you should look back over your "friendship" with this woman and see whether or not it was a real friendship or a friendship of convenience. You said you've both been through a lot, but maybe it was a relationship at least on her part of being in on the "drama" of things. I used to have a SIL that just thrived on drama and gravitated toward it, maybe that's how this woman is. I don't know but something you can really think about and figure for yourself.
I also think you shouldn't send the email if you can let go without doing it. You are only going to ruffle her feathers more than at the beach condo and again bring more drama to it all. Besides, if she doesn't understand then she is probably one of those people that still wouldn't understand even after you explained it to her(provided you could get a word in edgewise).
If you can, then I think you should just let it die and if it begins to rear it's ugly head again(she calls to do things or get together) then shoot it down repeatedly until it's dead for good. This wouldn't mean to be ugly to her, but put up your own boundaries so she can no longer treat you in an unhealthy way. Be sure to forgive her and let it go.
God Bless you, I know this must be very hard on some levels.
Cindy
FARMGIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING!!!
I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Psalms 34:1 |
| Merry |
Posted - Jun 22 2009 : 9:34:19 PM
Don't send an email. Either talk to her and know that the friendship is over, but be prepared for her to talk all over about it. Or, let it die a natural death BUT let the resentments and bitterness go because you did choose to make this choice.
I really caution you to not do this by email, in spite of things, you did have a 20 year friendship, honor yourself and that, do it in person, or let her and the bad stuff go and move on with your life. Honestly, are you the only person she treats this way? I am sure this won't be the first friendship of hers that has ended.
Good luck honey, I know you will do what's right for everyone.
http://afarminmyheart.blogspot.com/
"Nobody has ever measured, not even poets how much the heart can hold."
Zelda Fitzgerald |
| melanie47601 |
Posted - Jun 22 2009 : 4:54:17 PM
I'm sorry I can't really offer any advice Cherry. I have been in a somewhat similar situation. the only advice I can give is to follow your gut and to do what it is telling you. Sending you lots of good thoughts and hugs! Hang in there!
Melanie
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!"
Blog~ http://wheelsarealwaysturning.blogspot.com/
Swap Blog~ http://mels-swapshop.blogspot.com/ |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Jun 22 2009 : 4:10:24 PM
I am very suspicious of this women's intentions with all of this. True friends don't do this. Maybe move on for the summer and see where you stand in the Fall. And I agree, take your own vacations and enjoy your own space and money. (((HUGS)))
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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| thethriftycountrywoman |
Posted - Jun 22 2009 : 3:59:41 PM
I don't know if I'd consider her a friend the way she seems to take advantage of you so much. I'd just gradually make myself unavailable to her (and no more shared vacations) Just let the friendship drift away, so to say. That way if you change your mind later and still want her friendship, you can reconnect. |
| AmethystRose |
Posted - Jun 22 2009 : 3:38:07 PM
I hope that you haven't already agreeed to another mutual vacation. It's time to say that the "children" are too old for that now, and back away. I suspect that her true colors may show through. If she is a user, she'll drop you. |
| Alee |
Posted - Jun 22 2009 : 2:23:00 PM
I agree with Teresa- If she doesn't know how you feel, it will just end up festering under you skin and she won't have a clue. If you are ready to write off the friendship then the fall out might bring that around or it might snap her back to the world of reality. Most likely she will be defensive and the friendship will die for at least a while. Hopefully after she gives it some thought she will want to be friends again. *hugs*
You to La is a great girl and I know you are doing a good job of parenting her. it sounds like she has sour grapes because she got caught out being a less than stellar mom. It kindof sounds like she has "keeping up with the Jone's" syndrome and one of her ways to do that is try to bring down those around her to make her look better. *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
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